I'm done

[Rhubarb]

Didn't think I'd be saying this. But I need to see a GP at this point, I'm losing it.
I can't seem to concentrate or focus, my head isn't right. Dh isn't helping, he keeps saying that perhaps we should stay after all, perhaps he does like it here, and then the next day he's talking about moving to England. It's just too much. I can't deal with the kids, I can't deal with anything. I feel really really shite and have done for days now.

I'm not after sympathy or advice, I just needed to admit that to myself.

Someone just said the name Max on another thread! How fecking insensitive is that? Kick me whilst I'm down why don't you????

Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaxxxx!
(sob sob)

Rhubarb - don't forget that your children and dh have been poorly lately, and that you have not had enough sleep. Are you run down? That might not be helping you...

I was thinking about you recently Dior, how are you feeling?

Yes I am run down too and it doesn't help that ds has been a possessed child again these past 2 weeks. He's been waking up at night 3 or 4 times screaming and yelling. I go in and give him a hug and he'll settle down again after 10mins or so, but when this is happening 3 or 4 times every night, it is tiring. He's a sod during the day too.

I've had a chat with dh. He's admitted that he is being non-commital about it all because that's how he is coping with it. He said even when we were coming to France he kept thinking that something would happen to stop us going, something would come up. Even when he was packing he was still thinking that we might not get on the ferry, that something would come up to stop us. That's his way, that's how he copes with it all, and that's what he is doing now. I told him that I can't cope with this and he was very understanding, he said "right then, we'll go back".

But he is going to ask his employers about a permanent contract, just so that he isn't thinking "what if", he says there is very little chance as they have had a bad year, just like most other companies in France this year, and permanent contracts are hard to come by.

He also said that he'll phone employers up himself, he agreed that he was being lazy on that score and just allowing me to do it all.

We both opened up and we are both finding it difficult and coping with it in very different ways. He's very worried about the whole thing and says he'd rather not think about it because otherwise it would affect him the way it's affecting me.

He also suggested we go away this bank holiday weekend somewhere, even if it's just for the day. So I do feel better for talking to him and sharing my doubts. It doesn't come naturally to me as I usually buoy everyone up, I'm the optimist, the driving force, to admit to having doubts is very hard! But I'm glad I did. And now he knows that I'm depressed, he's keeping an eye on me, which is also nice to know!

Sorry Custy, no sledge hammers just yet!

thats good. real good.

good timing! i was just looking for rental cars to the airport and thought i'd log on to see how you were doing!

cheers mate!

Yeah, thanks R, I'm a lot happier. Was going through a bad patch when we 'spoke', but I'm getting there. Seeing a counsellor on Thursday, to arrange for CAT sessions. Make sure that you get some time for yourself if at all possible. Even if it is only to have a sleep!

Rhubarb, that last post (unless someone else posts while I'm typing) sounds more positive. It sounds like he expects you to be the grown-up and take charge - and you do, usually. But it can't work like that - you have to do this together. So if sitting him down and giving him lists and saying "I need you to do this, this and this" is how it has to be, then so be it.

It made me feel really sad - your bit about leaving France unfinished, and not being 'done'. Nothing's cast in stone, you know? You have a lot of years left ahead of you (all this "I'm so old" nonsense..) and all sorts of possibilities open to you. It's just hard to see that when you're so down. Sometimes things only make sense when you look back on them - and you see that yes, if you hadn't done that when you did, then the next thing wouldn't have happened as it did. All part of life's rich tapestry, as my Mum would say (probably misquoting ).

Try St.John's Wort - I found it useful when I had a bad patch and really didn't want to go back on anti-depressants.

Hang on in there.

Thanks everyone.
I do get episodes like this from time to time, a sort of black spot. The other night I was thinking about Jamie Bulger for some reason, ds is the same age now that he way, I know some horrible details about the case (I was doing criminology at the time) and I just kept on replaying it over and over in my head, only my ds took the place of Jamie I tried to think of other things but just couldn't.

I find it hard to sleep. I have no appetite. I'm getting ratty with the kids, I'm snapping, I'm having mood swings and I'm getting paranoid. Hopefully now that I've made dh aware of what's going on that'll help. I'm doing little things to help too, like playing good music when I'm here during the day to lift my mood, getting into a book, esp at night to take my thoughts away from rl. Hopefully I'll come back out of it and be fine again.

It's good to have support though!

You sound much more positive Rhubarb, I'm glad. . Really pleased that you have had a chat with your DH and seem to have sorted some stuff out. You are describing pretty much how I felt before I went on Anti-depressants re. lack of energy, appetite, inability to sleep etc. Hoping and praying that this lifts quickly for you. Hope you get a quick answer re. a permanent contract for DH., and can move on quickly. Much love.

am glad it went well.......for his sake

Got some stuff to take at night to calm me down and help me sleep, didn't have a very good night last night, weird dreams and a feeling of displacement when I woke up this morning.

Feel better for having talked though.

Hi Rhubarb, just to add my support to that too! You're always so supportive to everyone on here and it is reciprocal. I'm glad you're feeling a little better today. Much love xxx

Rhubarb - the paranoia and fears for your children (usually 'over the top' fears, although understandable) are my classic depression symptoms. If you don't want to go down the AD rote again (and I can totally empathise with that!), make sure that you rest as much as you can, and get lots of exercise. It does help with the moods, as you no doubt know already! Take care x

Thanks for your support. I've never taken ADs. I think this is because there was a time (probably still is) when my mother, my brother and my sister were on them and I just thought no, I don't want to start a trend here. I struggle with the term depression because my mother used to brand it around when I was growing up. We were constantly reminded of her depression, if we so much as put a foot out of place we were accused of making her depression worse. She would call us to tell us what pills she had been described, she would tell anyone who cared to listen what she was taking and how she wished she didn't have to live like this (cue big sigh). I grew up resenting her and her depression, it became a good excuse for her to mistreat her children and bribe us and emotionally blackmail us. So to admit that I am depressed is a very big thing indeed. But I haven't got round to the ADs yet, I feel in some way that if I take them, I will turn into her.

I got some herbal tea that is supposed to help me sleep, but it tastes of perfume and is making me gag - still I'll drink it.

Must get some St Johns Wort tomorrow.

Dior, how do you cope with yours?

described should be prescribed, obviously!

Yes Rhubard, get some SJW. I don't think I suffer on a major major scale but I think it really helps me and has done in the past. you take now.

Hi Rhubarb - just wanted to say hello and thinking of you. Also dp has been taking St John's Wort since about November as she's prone to S.A.D. but this winter has been really well - so it's worth giving it a go.

oi!

how are you today?

....did you notice scummy was here yesterday?

hope your feeling a bit better.

am off to drive into the centre of london - where my sat nav wont work and keeps saying "make a u turn, Make a u turn" yes i am the crazy bitch in london who has no clue to where shes going.

Rhubarb - I have just taken myself off my ADs, because I wasn't feeling happy on them and decided that I would rather be unhappy off them IYKWIM. As it happens, I am happier off them, but I think that Spring is helping too. To cope with my depression I:

Walk alot
Go on our exercise bike (hate it, but I watch a dvd on the pc at the same time)
Use a light box when making my cards
Try to get out in the fresh air as much as possible

Trouble is, when I'm in the depths, I can't motivate myself to do many of those things. Dh nags me into exercising, and I grudgingly do it to keep him off my back...it does work though!

I didn't find that SJW worked for me, but it does for others. so it's worth a try if you don't want to take ADs. However, taking them will not automatically make you your mother! If you need them (now, or in the future) they are a good crutch to get one through a dark time. They have helped me in the past, but I tend to be on them for a long time, and the efficacy wears off eventually.

Remember, sleep is one of the best treatments for depression. I know, I know, hard when you are a mother!

Today was bad, very bad. Had little sleep last night, both kids at home today, I was tired and irritated. Went to the back to do some jobs, forgetting it was closed Wed morning. Ds won't hold my hand when we cross main roads, he sits in the middle of the road screaming, felt like leaving him there! Took them to feed the ducks, took them for a walk to a playground, thought he'd be tired enough for his afternoon nap so I could get some sleep, but he wasn't. He screamed for an hour and a half in his room before I finally got him out. I had no sleep. Phoned dh in tears, he couldn't come home. Coped until he did get here and then went to bed. Now my guts are really bad, don't know why and I have work tomorrow. Have to pull myself together. Anyone know what St Johns Wort is in French? I walked into a pharmacy today but I couldn't see it and I didn't want to make a tit of myself trying to ask for it as I'm pretty sure it'll have a different name over here.

"went to the bank" very tired, shit concentration!

Rhubarb. 'Le Wort de St. John'? Sorry, just joking...

You sound really bad. Can you phone in sick at work tomorrow, and spend the day asleep?

if you ask for it under it's latin name, hypericum, perhaps.

and here's a link to the Mind fact sheet on sjw which I just came across on google:-

www.mind.org.uk/Information/Factsheets/Treatments+and+drugs/St+Johns+Wort++-+Hypericum+perforatum.htm

see how the guts are tomorrow - if still awful, then you've not really got much choice other than to call in sick.

sorry you are feeling so rough.