Why does no one tell you just what a nightmare the first six weeks are

[RuthT]

...and if they did would it help anyway?

Were you shocked at how tough looking after a new baby was?

What got you through it?

Top Tips for new mums?

What one thing did you buy that was a life saver?

Basically what's your story. I am really interested because no one really talks about it, it's like some conspiracy.

Even if someone had told me, I wouldn't have really understood. What I would say now but totally ignored when people said it to me, is sleep when your baby sleeps. I just couldn't, I know now with number 2 when he/she comes I'm definetly going to take this advice. That tiredness in the first 6 weeks in unbelievable.

Because you (a) wouldn't believe it, (b) wouldn't understand and (c) wouldn't take any notice anyway. And everyone's experience is so different that such advice could be totally irrelevant.

Because

a) you forget yourself

b) until you have your own baby, you think you are a perfect parent and everyone else is doing something wrong

c) it wouldn't make any difference, you'll still be knackered anyway, why spend a whole pregnancy worrying about it?

d) nobody ever decided they wouldn't have a baby because the first 6 weeks is hell on earth.

top tips for new mums?

Make sure you have plenty of bread, and plenty of sandwich fillings. You can eat them cold and one handed, and it doesn't matter.

Make sure you have lots of nice soft drinks, you may not have time for a cup of tea, and why should you be stuck with water all the time?

buy some paper plates and plastic cutlery. nothing more overwhelming than having to wash stuff before you can eat when you have a possible 45 second gap to do so.

If visiters want hot drinks, phrase it like this "Oh sorry, >, you'll have to check there's some clean cups before you make drinks". This implies that a, you're not making them one, b, they need to wash up first, and c, drinks, you would like one too, thankyou!

and don't get up to find sugar, etc, shout garbled insructions until they find the bleeder themselves

You can put the baby down on the floor in a room totally alone to have a wee. He/she will not fall of the floor, it is totally safe until they are at least 8 weeks old, if you have no other children or pets.

I have thought about this recently as I've probably finished my family - have 3 and am 38 but 2 of my friends same age as me are having their 1st. They keep asking me what it is really like, esp one who has such a calm life and ooooooooo I don't know what to say. I had a nightmare cos ds1 was a very unhappy wee baby but you might get a dreamboat. Being a bit sitty on the fency as don't want to depress them etc. And anyway it all passes, thats the only advice I have.

I giggle at my friends who are just starting to have babies, most of them have not even had any contact with kids but they've read all the books. I cant wait to go and visit them when they havent washed their hair for a week and are covered in poo. Hahahahaha!

It definitely wouldn't help to know in advance, I don't think. You can't describe it anyway.

My top tip is to get someone else to take the baby out for a walk in the afternoon. Rain or shine! You sleep better in that couple of hours, knowing you haven't got to listen out for the baby, than at any other time of the day or night.

Don't worry about routine or setting up bad habits, if baby won't sleep in his/her moses basket, don't worry about it.

Don't let anyone come round who isn't prepared to do something useful, visitors are a waste of space.

My lifesaver was actually the hard disk recorder! My ds had reflux (although we didn't know it) and so couldn't be put down at all for the first 11 weeks. Having to lie down on the sofa with him whilst he slept was quite good in some ways, but not being able to get up to swap one DVD for another wasn't so good. So having 120 hours of telly to watch without moving was very useful!

After a rough start, all I remember is the tiredness.
Top tips: Newborns DO sleep a lot initially, though it might not seem like it. So.. when baby sleeps take the time to rest too! I knew women who were more worried about cleaning when baby slept. It is not necessary to have an immaculate house, really!
Any help offered by friends/family take it and don't be afraid to arrange times for people to visit when is best for YOU.
I have alwaybe been completely upfront when friends have asked me about what being a new mum was like. Tomorrow I visit my friend with her 2 week old twins :)
One thing I did rather than bought that was a lifesaver: in pregnancy I would listen to some nice music.. recommend Tre Lunar by Mike Oldfield, listened to it lots.. then when baby arrived, once fed, changed etc and he cried for no reason I could spot, popped on the CD and within the first song he fell asleep! That was my lifesaver.

couldn't agree more..!! I remember when ds1 was about 5 - 6 weeks feeling so cross with all Mums, 'cos no-one said how awful it was going to be and it did feel like a conspiracy...

So now I tell every pregnant woman I know that the first 6 weeks are hell - and the next 12 aren't a barrel of laughs..! Felt vindicated when a work colleague of mine thanked me a few months after she'd had her first baby, 'cos she remembered what I'd said and said it gave her hope that it would get better..!!

Actually the chances are that someone has told you how awful it can be, but you have filtered that out of your brain.

I can honestly say that I never found the first 6 weeks with any of mine "awful". Certain aspects were less attractive than others, but I seemed to cope pretty well (in my view anyway - others might have a different opinion, especially dh!). So I wouldn't have told you that it was awful anyway.

I was told about the tiredness - was about what I expected.
I wasn't told about the weepiness that you can have for about 6 weeks, but then not everyone has that.
I wasn't told you can bruise horrendously at the birth, not by one single person.
And not a soul, nor any book I read, told me much about breastfeeding that was of any use. I do think silence on that point is a bad thing, but plenty of people seem to think you'll be put off if they tell you clearly that a baby can feed every hour...I say take the risk.
I remember all my thoughts beforehand were about putting my mother off coming to visit for weeks right after the birth and who was going to do the washing.

i HATED it the ifrrst two times

but everyone else seems to coast throught i
i warn alll thes pg mums how bad it is and then they seem to have no probs at all
i was mad htough when i had ds1

adn piles

no one tells you that and beleeding for 10 weeks

No, it wouldn't help and actually, I didn't find it a nightmare anyway tbh. Was a bit of a nightmare with ds1 but that was due to the nightmare breastfeeding debarcle that just had me in bits. With ds2 and ds3 I didn't bother trying and the first 6 weeks with them was truly blissful (even though I also had toddlers to contend with).

So, I never tell my friends who are pg for first time that it's a nightmare because it isn't always - so why scare them?! I'd rather just be there for them if and when they find it tough.

yes i htought it was to do wiht bf but hen bottled ds2 to avoid this nad it was still bloody bad
dh nad i HATED each other

in fact have a photo of dh looking SO Pissed offf holding ds2

Agree with everything everyone says, but take heart from the fact that those 6 weeks go incredibly quickly (thank God).

Sleep when the baby does
Get someone to take him out for a walk.
Eat loads of easy healthy food - DS was born in June so great for of salads.
Avoid too many visitors unless you know they'll be the helpful kind.

As for the conspircy thing you're right - just like no one tells you the truth about childbirth!

yES, but sleep when the baby does only works if baby is number 1! No such luck once you've got toddlers to deal with as well!

I was told how bad it was, but you don't really believe it until you're there, suffering. It's the lack of sleep. You don't really inderstand the effect of lack of sleep until you experience it. I thought I'd be a bit tired!

Little did I know!

I breast fed at first and it wasn't until I switched to bottles that things got better (but it could just have been a coincidence.

At our mother and baby group someone asked the HV way pg mums are not warned about how awful it is at first, and they said that pg mums can't get passed the labour and birth, to think about life beyond the hospital.

MAkes sense I suppose, because if I'm honest in my head I don't think I equated being pregnant with actually having a real life baby

yes that s leep thing was bloody annoyingg for me tbh

with ds3 life was peachy

ill tell youwhy

1. i had a cleaner - so even if ht hosue was a mess it was clean

1. i breastfed and DID NOT RTY asn drun around

1. it was spring os i felt optimisitc

1. my mum came in every moenring ( we had moved byt hsi point) and put washing on - brought lunch- took ds2 awaya dn then returned at tea teim

i was the coolest chiick in mumland evenw hen at the same time they wer realying our conservatory floor four times - dh coudlnt believe it

sorry why not way!

I barely got out of pyjamas for the first 6 weeks, even with the 4th I was a zombie. I always tell people!

But as lucy said, you have to experience it to really understand - same as just how much you love them

And then they start smiling at you and it all disappears

You're totally right Janh. And its tht being Mum thing that keeps you going through those difficult erly weeks. I still struggle to put into words the way my DS makes me feel.

(PS sorry bout missing 'a's - DS has been hitting my lptop!)

I always shudder inwardly when you hear people say they hope a new baby will bring them together. HA!

Bloody awful the first six weeks, all leakage from every orafice (mum and baby), life turned up side down etc etc, but as wise wise JanH says, none of it matters when they start to smile

Bl**dy hell! How could I have forgotten the hell that was piles???

Apart from that it was a doddle each time .