Why does no one tell you just what a nightmare the first six weeks are

[RuthT]

...and if they did would it help anyway?

Were you shocked at how tough looking after a new baby was?

What got you through it?

Top Tips for new mums?

What one thing did you buy that was a life saver?

Basically what's your story. I am really interested because no one really talks about it, it's like some conspiracy.

did get one bit of advice, which was not to bother my arse even thinking about a routine until 6 weeks for reasons which I'm sure are obvious to you lot. same woman told me that it wouldn't be until about 6 weeks that i would feel anything like together enough to gauge how things were going so not to worry about it. V wise that woman. Unfortunately she told me this when ds was 5.5 weeks old.

Keep them coming, this is just great, I am crying with laughter!

I think you are right. In this world where most people are physically distanced from thier family and support networks the first six weeks is worse. It's my friends who I can't get over, they really did not tell me. Only once I'd had my little girl did all the stuff creep out of the woodwork.

Some great suggestions here too, the hard drive dvd is just a fab idea.

Also wonder why no one warns you about GPs being so annoyingly dismissive, C also had reflux and hpnestly you'd have thought I had Munchhausens by proxy given their reaction.

Agree totally on breastfeeding it was indeed a challenge and the guilt is amazing.

But fear not I do love her to bits

6 weeks of hell indeed - I was all over the place. Actually it took a good 3 months until I felt human again and would not spontaneously burst into tears. With baby no 2 I have learned my lessons which are

1. screw the whole domestic goddess myth. The house can and will be a tip
2. sleep whenever you can, whereever you can
3. be selfish. the first couple of months with a newborn baby is not the time to entertain and be the perfect hostess. Visitors can come when it is convenient for ME, and when they come they will have to make me cups of tea and help out. People who sit and coo the baby while I run around after their kids and make them drinks and food are, to quote other MNers, a waste of space.

No-one told me how hard it would be but to be honest I would not have understood. I have a couple of friends who are having their first now and when I heard their plans how they are going to 'read books, study italian, decorate the house, work out' when they are on maternity leave as they 'finally have the time' I nearly choked in my chocolate brownie... And I didn't say anything... let them figure it out, poor sods...

With DD1 I didn't want to ask for help. I was a Nanny and felt that everybody expected me to be able to cope, and that feeling didn't go away when DD1 went down with colic and my Grandma said to me, "Well Petunia, if anybody should know what to do, it's you." I also had an awful birth and went down with an infection afterwards and on the whole, felt a lot of the time that I was trying to climb up a down escalator. DD2 was a lot easier, especially at night.
I don't know what got me through it. Looking back, I don't think I wanted someone to tell me how awful the first 6wks were. I just wish that someone had told me to sleep and rest when I could, put off visitors (I especially wished I'd told the ILs to get lost and not expect to visit!), not to be pressured in to doing things if I didn't feel like it and not to be afraid to ask for help.

One of my SILs was a nanny, and had severe PND with her first (mind you, he was a monster) - I'm sure part of that was the pressure of expectation that she ought to be able to cope.

What's annoyed me most is that whenever a friend has had a baby since I had my ds last summer, I have been keen as mustard to help out, be a good guest and do lots of washing up, etc. and apparently they have taken to motherhood effortlessly and don't need me at all! Harrumph!

Re: having lots of time on your hands, a friend of mine who had a baby in Sweden recently (and thus gets about 75 years off on maternity leave) did say to me before the baby was born "I don't know what I'm going to do with myself for all that time". Ho ho!

erm nope!

Joey's 7 weeks old and the last 6 wweeks have been tough - and apparently he's a 'good' baby all be it colicy but on the who;e a good boy!

it was a major culture shock more than anything - the lack of sleep, the not having my own life/independance any more not being able to pop off quickly. the lack of sleep is the tough part I think, and the fact Joey always wants dinner when i'm eating so it's us eating together or me shoving food down my mouth 90 to the dozen to get an feed him.

what's got/getting me thru it so far is a lot of support from my mum - even thou she's 250 miles away, a nice smile from Joey as well now. he can keep me up all night and give me next to no sleep but in the morning once he smiles/'talks' after being fed/changed and we're having a little play/us time it make's it all fade away.

top tips - no visitors for long periods early on, we had my parents when Joey was 6 weeks which was nice, PIL when he was just 2 - very tough going v v tough esp as DH was back to work then. erm, don't iron, ask ur mum over and let her do it! :o or iron as u need it. leave a blanket at the window so it's dark enough for you to sleep during the day. sleep when baby is (I didn't master that till the m/w had a moan at me) doesn't matter if your house is a tip for the first few weeks - DH can help you/ as long as your front room's tidy and the kitchen is don't worry about the rest. get ppl to do stuff for you. when your DH comes in from work hand baby over and have 1/23 hour 'you' time.

life saver things - v pillow, can't manage without it, electric breast pump, loads of boob cream, tonnes of blankets/baby grows/vests so it didn't matter the washing piled up for a week at a time. ooh and sky TV! lol.

it's hard going when he's crying all the time/won't settle, and you'll prob have times when you just think 'will you shut up child' or u dread them waking up, but once they're settled and asleep/cooing nicely with you it all melts away and you feel bad for thinking it, mum's bit of advice to me, it's ok to think it occassionally it's when it's a constant thought it's a problem or if you act upon those thoughts.

agree time goes so quickly - I feel those weeks passed in a daze really, cherish them! ooh and if you can get a bottle of milk together if your feeding it makes all the difference as you'll be able to have a chunk of sleep as someone else can give the bottle.

No one tells you that babies are basically nocturnal for the first little while!
And no one told me that you bleed for so long after. (when I asked what the disposable pants were for I just got knowing looks and smiles!)

But when/if I do it again I won't have anyone come over in the evenings. I was too tired and not emotionally strong enough to visit. (actually i'm still too exhausted in the evenings and it's been 6 months!!)

But the best thing we bought was a swing thingy, it was about £100 but worth every penny!

And I totally agree with tribpot about routines/habits. Just enjoy your baby and get as much rest as possible. It'll all sort itself out later! (apparently...)

I think people don't tell you what's it's like because they can't really remember. I've just had my third, 6 weeks ago - and I'd forgotton from the first two! I remember thinking in the first week - oh yeah, NOW I remember

Obviously first time around is the toughest because it's a complete lifestyle change and shock, but the total exhaustion of the first few weeks hits me every time. To be honest though, the baby is the easy bit now - it's dealing with the five yr old and the 2 yr old which is really tough. Without meaning to sound smug, I genuinely wish I could enjoy the newborn weeks as a first time mummy again, but with the knowledge and experience that I have now. I do smile now at how hard I found being a first time mum, but I really did find no. one the hardest - just the complete shock of it really. Gawd, you can tell I'm sleep deprived can't you - I'm a right old waffler!!

It is awful, and doesn't get any easier with subsequent babies either when you know how hard it is. I found that at about 6 weeks I looked back and realised how hellish the last 6 weeks were and thought I was getting back to "normal". It is only several months later I realised that I was still a long way from normal.

I did find that Life After Birth by Kate Figes is the most honest of all the childbirth books, but still, you don't understand it until you've gone through it.

I remember weeping at DP in the first couple of weeks saying 'why aren't I ecstatic? X was ecstatic, why aren't I?' and he said, stoically, 'she was lying'. I couldn't get over just how appalling I felt first time round - as if I'd been kicked in the stomach by a horse, the size and shape of a deflated caravan, knackered and just thinking 'I have made a massive MISTAKE'. I remember pleading with him as well, 'never let me do this again'...and then the total shock when I did and yep, it went tits-up again.

Another top tip - don't believe soggy articles in baby magazines about 'the first six weeks'. They are written by journalists who have been commissioned to put together a work of soft-focus fiction. I'm sorry to anyone I misled in my own contributions to this dreadful oeuvre - my excuse is I had babies to feed

Also nobody really tells you how fat you will still be - and that everyone will attempt to 'reassure' you by saying 'oh, that doesn't matter, you've got a lovely baby' (ie 'you've had it, you know, nobody's ever going to look at you with the slightest sexual or romantic interest ever again, forget it').

And don't get me started on the 'enjoy it while it lasts' brigade. I wish oh HOW I wish I'd slapped them one.

the thing is even if you had been told would you not have bothered to have kids?!! I'm glad no one told me otherwise I might not have had ds and be preggers with no.2. And it is all worth it

agree tribpot everyone else does cope
it was just me
i rememebr gettinga card sayign" its a boy" and shouting at my mum
"IKNOW ITS A BLOODY BOY IT KEEPS ME AWAKE LAL NIGHT"

WHAT changed?
i dunno a light cmae on
i took things gradually

purplemonkey, you had people to visit in the evenings?! My god, woman. I never even contemplated such a thing. My mum told me when I was born, my dad used to have visitors over til 11, 12 at night and expect my mum to stay up being the hostess. My grandma soon put him straight on that score and sent everyone away.

And agreed, still too tired to have visitors in the evening. My idea of a wild social night out is a drink after work, catching the 6 o'clock train home in order to be back for bathtime

Got to say did not find having my first baby hard at all but I had no problem sleeping when baby slept and feeding on demand and feeding in general and I am of the opinion that if baby is feeding well then generally everything else falls into place.

With 2nd baby I found teatime really hard. Baby starts to cluster feed for the night, how do you cook dinner???? Once I worked that one out then again everything else fell into place!

oh god yes "Enjoy it while it lasts" and "Is s/he sleeping through yet?" should be banned. I actually used the "Is she sleeping through yet?" one recently on a friend with a 2 week old who has a sense of humour and the calm, hate-filled stare was enough to tell me to sod off with my crappy jokes...

I found the first six weeks a piece of piss this time round. The next six...a different matter. DS2 is 12 weeks now...hoping the next six are better than the last!

ditto colditz of 12.50pm today lol

Six weeks. SIX WEEKS?

Surely you mean 12 months, or thereabouts?

First few weeks with your first child is a major shock - especially (imo) if you are an older mum as you've had soooo many years just suiting yourself.

2nd time around was easier until he became mobile.....

I'm permanently exhausted these days - and first child has been at school full-time for 6 months now . I don't understand it tbh.

Basically, I think you just keep on moving to the next stage and 'forget' about the really hard aspects of the phase you've left behind.

remember them well !

My mate takes great delight in reminding me just how dreadful I looked when she first came round to see DS

I don't think there's a conspiracy; I do have vague recollections of various people telling me I would never get a good night's sleep again... but you just don't fully understand what that means until it is happening. Your hormones are all over the place so even if you are told beforehand that the baby feeds constantly, etc.. this doesn't necessarily help with how you feel about everything. Agree with the comment that when you are pregnant you don't really see past the birth (true for me as a first-timer anyway). And it's the same when people tell you what giving birth is like. You don't really understand what they're talking about until you've done it.

The first 6 weeks with ds1 were the happiest of my life.

I'm far more knackered now (cumulative effect and wish ds3 would bloody sleep at the moment drr- he was!). God knows how I'll get through the next 6.

So agree RuthT - on a more serious note, I think we should be told because if you don't know to expect it, you could think you really aren't coping properly at all and that could contribute to PND.

I remember getting cards from a lot of people, including some who had kids, saying "hope you are having a lovely time at home with your new baby" and "enjoy these precious early days" and I was thinking wtf??? what's wrong with me, I'm having a shit time! Also I did know about the baby blues that are meant to be being a bit teary 2-3 days after the birth, but I was in floods of tears every evening for over a month - if I'd known that was normal it would have been a lot easier.

Top tip would be get your partner (or mum or whoever will be on hand) to fend off the visitors and tell them to make their own tea/leave after 15 mins/etc.) I knew I should be telling them but I was so hormonal and pathetic I couldn't because I would have burst into tears. On one horrendous occasion friends from DP's work came round in the evening and stayed for hours; he was chatting away with them talking shop while I was fighting back tears the whole time, desperate to sleep, have a cry, have DP and DS to myself. Afterwards I told him and he said "you should have just said" but I couldn't. Someone else needs to speak for you and tell visitors it's time to go.