Why does no one tell you just what a nightmare the first six weeks are

[RuthT]

...and if they did would it help anyway?

Were you shocked at how tough looking after a new baby was?

What got you through it?

Top Tips for new mums?

What one thing did you buy that was a life saver?

Basically what's your story. I am really interested because no one really talks about it, it's like some conspiracy.

snowleopard.

Ok so that's a good tip: if the phone rings let dh/p/mum answer it. If visitors over stay their welcome - just go to bed! Dh/p/mum can see them out the door.

It's hard though, we want to be seen to be coping! But visitors can wait - unless they've come round to help

You're right Snowleopard. Is this first 6 week (or longer) nightmare restricted to your first baby, or is it easier to chill out and 'enjoy your baby' second time around given that you know what to expect? Or do the hormones still take over?

Second baby easier initially IME because you're not going "OMG, I'm trusted to look after this small person and I have NO idea what to do!" - you know you can do it because you've done it before. It's after the first six weeks when everyone thinks you're into the swing of things that it all goes pearshaped the second time round, again IME!

DH buggered off back to Romania (thanks mate) after a week of paternity leave, leaving me on my own in flat in London, knowing no-one, with the hungriest, crossest baby on earth and mastitis. DD1 was guzzling 12 oz of EBM at a feed (I would feed on one tit and express from the other as my supply couldn't keep up with her demand, despite what all the crap in books tells you). Had lovely health visitor, who said she had never seen such a hungry baby and to give her a bottle at night ("It won't kill her, you know!") so that I could get some sleep. Things improved slightly after that.

Had loads of absolutely useless visitors, who not only expected tea and coffee, but food too ("We'll come for lunch, I think, as we're coming all the way from Enfield."). I kept sitting room tidy, locked it and didn't go in there as one aunt cheerfully told me "Your Mum has said it's bound to be a complete tip in here and we're to ring her straight away and tell her if it is as she said you wouldn't be able to cope." I lived on tinned soup and weetabix.

Went back to Romania when DD1 was almost 6 weeks old and milk dried up completely with the stress of the journey (BA = Bloody Awful), leaving me with raging mastitis and cracked nipples.

DD2 was a bit more normal in her appetite and sleeping habits and I felt fine after about two days. Whereas with DD1 I was lucky to be dressed by lunchtime, with DD2, we were all out of the house by 8.15 to drop DD1 at her nursery school for 8.30. Maybe it was because I knew what I was doing...

One thing that did get to me was the amount of visitors that just dropped in with first baby, usually when we were sleeping. I would drag myself up and entertain -why? 2nd time round if the doorbell went and I wasn't expecting anyone, i didn't answe rit!

Like an idiot, I believed the NCT tutor who told me that breastfeeding doesn't hurt if you're doing it right. It would be far more accurate and reassuring if they said, "Most women find breastfeeding painful at first, but if you keep working on getting the latch right you should be ok in a couple of weeks and THEN it will feel worth it".

I wish I'd known just how tough it would feel on us as a couple, and planned for that better.

Lots of people warned me to limit visitors. What I didn't realise was that they meant, "All visitors other than me". They turned up in bloody hordes, all sitting there drinking tea (made by me) and eating cake (bought by me) while telling me to make sure that all the OTHER visitors did washing up/brought groceries etc.

I can remember thinking, when dd was about 2 weeks old, "my mum seems really really keen on her. Perhaps she would like to look after her, and I'll visit". Seemed like a realy good solution to me.
Of course I loved her, but I felt for a while that I'd love her lots more if I was visiting!

b/c they forget once their child hits the terrible 2s/3s.

Lol Expat - I was just going to say, no one told me the 2nd and 3rd year would actually be tougher than the first.

No one told me, either, Rosie. Oh no, we're finding that out on our own. I told my mum yesterday and she was like, 'Oh, yes. They all get like that.' And my sister remembered, 'I found three worse than two.' Gees, thanks, sis. But she's also got a pre-teen on her hands, so a new, different set of worries.

2nd time was worse than 1st time in some ways - first time round dd1 did not come home until she ws 3 weeks old and did sleep through from the minute she came home - but she was 4 hourly feeds by ng tube and so just dh and I to wake up to alarms....
poorly babe who had surgery at 8 weeks old - then cried like the billy-o. Stressful but day to day care was such a doodle.

THEN - we had dd2 breastfed on demand and the most demanding babe we had come across - sleep deprived whilst still caring for a toddler with sn. Having no idea what the hell to do with a baby that did not have sn (smile you may)

BUT two completely different visits - lovely friend came with afternoon tea for dd1, and her two children, all ready prepared - she just took it out of the esky, brought her picnic set etc ( so no washing up) she then made cup of tea etc, sorted the kids and then we sat and chatted- she then did the dishes and tidied kitchen and filled freezer with some meals for us.

Other time two acquaintances arrived - handed me the shop bought cake and told me how to make their cups of tea/coffee - which I had been rude enough to say - sorry not convenient.

JanH you got it right - when they smile it all seems worthwhile and I have a secret theory that the 6week smile etc milestone is the one that is designed to keep you going. You get to the end of your tether and think no more and then they smile - of course you still have crappy days but sometimes the smile makes up for it.

cordless phone and laundry trolley were the best things I got second time round - god send. I had had a c-section so laundry trolley was helpful for not having to bend and lift clothes onto the line. Cordless phone as I seemed to be feeding dd2 all the time - meant I could chat with friends or phone SIL for advice without having to move around. She was a godsend - never offered advice but was always there when I asked for it.... think is helpful.

I think there are some people who think it is a doodle - seen that at antenatal classes (2nd time) and don't believe the midwife and other mums when they do tell horror stories. They seemed to believe they knew it all and were great copers/organisers etc and that the reason you found it so tough was saying something about you.

I had the opposite experience to most people- loads of people told me how awful the first 6 weeks were, but that made me expect some kind of transformation at 6 weeks that simply didn't happen. Ds continued to be very hard work for several months, dd was a dream from the word go. I was gutted with ds when 6 weeks passed and it was still really hard.

I guess it was easier my way round in a way lockets, as at least I didn't have a toddler to contend with at the same time! Hope no. 3 is angelic for you :)

I think they do tell you the first 6 weeks are crap, or at least I remember my friends/relations telling me. But a) you can't possibly imagine how crap until you've done it, and b) pre-baby, 6 weeks seems like a comparatively short time. When you actually have the baby, it's hard to imagine how you're going to survive until the next feed/change/whatever, let alone the next day/week/6 weeks.
Top tips? If all your ruddy mil wants to do is come over and swipe dc off you and proclaim how they look all like your dh and nothing like you, rather than sit and seethe, let her do it so you can nick off to bed for an hour. Saves you from poking her eyes out with a toothpick. Or did I just dream I did that....

I thought people didn't tell you what a nightmare it was because they'd all found it easy and it was just me who couldn't do it. I remember getting a card from a schoolfriend who'd had her first baby 5 months before I had ds1 and she'd written in it "isn't it wonderful?" I just looked at it in utter disbelief then ripped it up.

I did have two people who tried to forewarn me. A woman I barely knew sidled up to me at work just before I went on maternity leave, started off with small talk about when was I going etc. then - almost shamefacedly (perhaps because she didn't know me very well) said "er...I'm sure you'll be fine...but...er...if you're not, I mean...if you find it harder than you think...you're not the first you know, speak to your doctor about it if it's...well...if it's really bad."

I'm ashamed to say I brushed her off with some throwaway comment about "oh I know it'll be tough at first...lack of sleep...hahaha."

And another close friend, whose son was born 5 weeks before mine, was talking to me on the phone about how hard she was finding it and she apologised and said "oh, I'm going to scare you, talking like this." And I said "oh, you can't put me off now - I can't wait for this baby to be born." I rang her up, weeping and apologetic, a few weeks later.

So I think even if people do try to tell you, you don't really believe them...not til later, anyway.

Perhaps I'm part of the great silent conspiracy now - I don't often attempt to tell a new Mum to be how bad it was for me...I don't think they'd believe me. I never write cheesy "ain't it wonderful?" comments in cards though

Another great invention is a phone with a Do Not Disturb function. This means you can shield out most phone calls without ever hearing the phone ring but allow a select few who might actually be useful still to get through. In my case, although my MIL didn't know it, the only person on the 'allowed' list was my Mum :)

One thing I wish I had done is just taken digital photos of gifts, and added a voice tag to say who had bought it. Much easier than being compos mentis enough to write it down (which I wasn't). My thank you cards, when I finally got round to them, were a bit on the generic side as most people bought clothes so I figured I could safely just thank them for the lovely outfit! (No-one phoned up and said "but I bought socks" - unless I had Do Not Disturb on at the time and they couldn't get through )

Snort, 2Happy, despite the fact my ds is the spitting image of my dh, my MIL claims that he looks like no-one except one of her cousins, so basically even dh's dad isn't allowed to have contributed to the gene pool that is my child!

One of the things that annoyed me in cards was "cherish this wonderful time, they learn something new every day" and you're looking at this little tadpole going "no they don't, he hasn't done a bloody thing since he was born". Of course, now it really does seem like ds is learning something every day but those early days seemed to last forever. After two weeks I was ready to go back to work just to feel like I was in control of something!

Tee hee Trib! I was way too fuzzy to get the list of who sent what right - I sent a thank you card to a friend and got a confused call back "but I haven't sent the present because it's too fragile to post"
Do not disturb function - how do you get that? We just call screened the answerphone. Still do... Some people record a new answerphone message like "X and Y are happy to announce the birth of Z, and they are enjoying some time alone with their new baby, but they'll return your call later", or put a note to the same effect on their front door to discourage unannounced visitors. Didn't work for my GP who popped round to do the postnatal, and went round to the back door (french windows) to be confronted by me, er, airing my norks...

hmm. i've had expectant mothers/fathers asking me, "everything will be ok after the first six weeks, won't it?". i always tell them there's nothing magic about the six week point!

in fact i think it's daft to put out this entirely arbitrary milestone - all the baby books do it though, i notice. i think it creates some completely unrealistic expectations in new parents - fathers especially ime.

i always tell people the father needs to take two weeks off.

i've been lucky and had two easy babies, so it was actually the first 2 weeks (recovering from difficult births) that were hardest for me.

as to the original point, i do think we're told but as someone else said we don't listen/understand.

The worse thing I was told while pregnant with DS1 was "You will be ok, you work with children!"
After hearing this I thought "Hey, yes, it will be a breeze. All I need to worry about is getting through the birth!"
WRONG!!!
DS1 seemed to do nothing but cry for the first 3 months of his life & I did nothing but cry too!
He had colic, but it was just my luck that infocol was off the shelves for the 3 months I needed it!
I remember phoning my HV saying "My baby is not normal - he cries all the time!"
She just told me he was a perfectly normal baby with colic!
I used to walk around the town looking like the living dead (he was only quiet when being walked in the pram or feeding) & my sister told me that some of her friends commented on how awful I looked!!
My DH didn't want to return from work in the evening because he knew he was coming home to a screaming baby & a tearful wife!
All in all it was a complete nightmare time & I don't know how I got through those first few months.
He turned into a dream baby from 3 months onwards though - so there is light at the end of the tunnel!

This thread has made me feel a lot better. Thank you, RuthT. Five years on I still have a sneaking suspicion that my utter horror at the whole fact of a new baby/postnatal body/wrecked life was unique. I'm so glad it wasn't.

One thing I do do, now, is tell friends who have new babies 'ring me, any time, I mean it'.

Just had this exact same conversation with my neighbour, who has just got through the first six weeks! She said exactly this - and says she is telling EVERYONE how hard it really is. She has been up and down, crying and all the rest of it....I just nodded in recognition.....

OMG can I relate to this thread. And I did it all without Mumsnet too. A nightmare didn't describe it. No one told me the first time I stood up in the morning in the hospital to go pee that 2 pints of blood would drop out of me onto the floor. I was kneeling trying to clean up the blood like an idiot too. My DD was a premie and they forced me out of the hospital in a day and a half. She could only drink about 1.5 ounces at a time. The first three years were a nightmare, the next four were extremely difficult, but these last five have been pretty good! I did adore her, I just don't think I was meant to be a Mummy taking care of a baby. I had no idea what I was in for and no family to help me either. I love this thread.