Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Other subjects
Original poster

Who have you "left" your kids to in your will?

58 replies

CountessDracula · 07/01/2004 23:04

DH and I are making new wills as going away soon together without dd. We have a BIG prob.

We have to say who we would like dd to go to if we both die. Don't want grandparents as they are old and though they love her to bits obv how would it be for her being brought up by people who are so old and my die at any moment (god forbid)

Then we have aunts and uncles. My brother and one sil are childless so would not be fair. Other sil would be perfect but is recovering alcoholic - not had drink for 4 years - is superb, adores dd, has own dd of 16 and would be very very up for it I'm sure, but I was there when she was drinking and bringing up her dd and it was no picnic for her dd to put it mildly. I have no other reservations about her, she is gay and in stable relationship, she is wonderful woman etc. BUT what if she falls off the wagon and her parents/us aren't there to bail her out as has happened before for years and years?

Otherwise it is one ofs dd's godparents and his dw, they are wonderful and I would have no qualms but they are swiss, living here at the moment, 2 kids of their own, adore dd etc and I know they would say yes, but if they move back to Switzerland as I am pretty sure they will within next 5 to 10 years what about her grandparents, aunts, uncle etc and her relationship with them?

What has anyone else done about this? And any opinions on the choices we have?

OP posts:
zebra · 07/01/2004 23:13

I think in your situation think I would plump for the godparents; if they are good people (sound like they must be) they will/would make sure your DD kept links to your family. Take your ex-alcholic SIL as 2nd choice.

WE are "leaving" the kids to DH's mum, else to my dad, btw.

stupidgirl · 07/01/2004 23:17

It's funny, cos I was just discussing this with my parents today. I'm a single mum, I have a sister, but we don't get on all that well - she also has no children and we have completely different ideas about raising children (er...as well as everything else...). I have few friends with children, and those that do have kids I don't know well enough to leave them with (IYKWIM). I would leave them with my parents (and specify a lot of things about how I want them brought up) if I was to die tomorrow, and hope that a few years down the line the decision becomes a little clearer. Not much help to you, obviously.

sb34 · 07/01/2004 23:21

Message withdrawn

Original poster
CountessDracula · 07/01/2004 23:41

Oh god that makes it worse! If we left dd to someone and they said no, what then?

Obviously would clear it with them first and hope they stuck to it.

Zebra my instinct is godparents too, youngest grandparent (my mum) is 65 and dd is only 16 months, so by the time she was 15 they would be 80 minimum, which would not be great for a teenager.

I just wonder about sil who is so fantastic with her.

My bro not really an option as he is musician, free spirit, never in one place for more than 10 seconds, I feel it would be asking too much. Other SIL maybe, but she has no kids and no partner and a great job that she loves, would it not be asking too much?

Money not an issue, we can provide for dd wherever she goes.

OP posts:
stupidgirl · 07/01/2004 23:44

I think it's a huge thing to ask of someone with no kids of their own

Original poster
CountessDracula · 07/01/2004 23:45

Me too, in fact would not ask it. Before I had kids I would not have considered it, would now as I know what is involved.

OP posts:
Original poster
CountessDracula · 07/01/2004 23:45

I mean considered taking on someone else's child

OP posts:
stupidgirl · 07/01/2004 23:46

I mean, it's hard coming to terms with the sacrifices you have to make for your own baby, but to have an older child thrust upon you with no preparation...

stupidgirl · 07/01/2004 23:47

sorry, posts crossed

Original poster
CountessDracula · 07/01/2004 23:47

Acutally that's a lie, agreed years ago with dh then dp to take on then alcoholic sil's daughter and believe me it was a real possibility then But we shared a flat with them and loved niece so dearly that we knew what was involved.

OP posts:
sb34 · 07/01/2004 23:48

Message withdrawn

Original poster
CountessDracula · 07/01/2004 23:49

This is the hardest thing that I have encountered so far decision wise as a parent.

OP posts:
bobthebaby · 07/01/2004 23:49

Horrible isn't it? I have left my ds to my parents at the moment as they are still pretty young. It would be hard to ask my brother as he is still in that stage of his life where he is thinking of moving in with gf etc. and I want that side of things to be settled so that I can ask both of them. Trouble is they are all in the UK and I live in NZ, once he starts school I may have to rethink this because how awful to lose your parents and have to move to the other side of the world and lose all your friends too.

fio2 · 07/01/2004 23:50

know what you mean CD - i am lucky i have asked my mum, she is 48 today (will kill me for that!) and i trust her - but no-one else. I will have to write a will

suedonim · 07/01/2004 23:55

I'd ask your bro first, just to see how the land lies - he may not refuse (that opera singer who died last year 'left' her child to a single gay male friend who's happy to take on the role). But I think the godparents sound like the best choice. These days, it's easy to travel around and you could always discuss your wishes re keeping contact with family.

My bro and dw were guardians to our brood when they were younger. Now my oldest ds is 28 he's the dds' guardian. His new wife went a bit pale when I related that bit of news to her, lol!

suedonim · 07/01/2004 23:57

O god, your mum is younger than me, Fio2. Am I depressed now, or am I depressed??

fio2 · 07/01/2004 23:59

sue why depressed not that bad is it? My mum seems to love being older! she was never this confident when we were younger - i am proud of her. You made me laugh about your ds's wife

suedonim · 08/01/2004 00:09

No, indeed it's not all bad being older; it's just a shock that that you and I both have young children but I could be your mum, lol!

fio2 · 08/01/2004 00:10

i will call you mum from now on then

BekkiKay · 08/01/2004 00:13

My mum is 41 in August, do I win a prize?

sykes · 08/01/2004 00:18

I knew what we wanted as a couple - unfortunately thy spit as have we - haven't a clue.

150percent · 08/01/2004 08:18

Oh CD I do sympathise with this one.

We have some friends named in our wills, but we do have an agreement with them that we will touch base around once a year (generally ds1's bday) and confirm that we're all still OK with the arrangement - either side can back out and we've agreed no hard feelings etc. As they're not local we may ask some other friends in a few years (ie ones that our children have a closer relationship with), but not at the stage that it might mean that they suddenly have 4 under 4's to look after!

I don't think that it is a big deal to change the names later (I think that you just state the change and get it witnessed and then keep it with the original wills).

codswallop · 08/01/2004 08:39

My brother ( lawyer) says its best not to name anyone as this can make legal wrangiong more prtracted if it gets out of date.

Instead its best to be open at the moment and make your feelings known to your nearest and dearset....

Money will obv go into a trust forthe care of your kids - so for eg would allow my sister to buy a bigger house to accomodate the 5 kids she would have!

Hulababy · 08/01/2004 09:26

Most wills do have this clause in but it is optional. However, even if you put this in your will it is not legally binding anyway, just an indication of your wishes. I would make sure that you have spoken to those people you choose first too to see how they feel about it.

You can also change things like this in your will at a later date if you wish without too much trouble, and you don't need to produce a whole new will again to do so.

If you want any further advice on this I can ash Dh for you if you want. He is a solicitor who specialises in this area of law.

Bron · 08/01/2004 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swipe left for the next trending thread