Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Other subjects
Original poster

Who have you "left" your kids to in your will?

58 replies

CountessDracula · 07/01/2004 23:04

DH and I are making new wills as going away soon together without dd. We have a BIG prob.

We have to say who we would like dd to go to if we both die. Don't want grandparents as they are old and though they love her to bits obv how would it be for her being brought up by people who are so old and my die at any moment (god forbid)

Then we have aunts and uncles. My brother and one sil are childless so would not be fair. Other sil would be perfect but is recovering alcoholic - not had drink for 4 years - is superb, adores dd, has own dd of 16 and would be very very up for it I'm sure, but I was there when she was drinking and bringing up her dd and it was no picnic for her dd to put it mildly. I have no other reservations about her, she is gay and in stable relationship, she is wonderful woman etc. BUT what if she falls off the wagon and her parents/us aren't there to bail her out as has happened before for years and years?

Otherwise it is one ofs dd's godparents and his dw, they are wonderful and I would have no qualms but they are swiss, living here at the moment, 2 kids of their own, adore dd etc and I know they would say yes, but if they move back to Switzerland as I am pretty sure they will within next 5 to 10 years what about her grandparents, aunts, uncle etc and her relationship with them?

What has anyone else done about this? And any opinions on the choices we have?

OP posts:
GlitterGirly · 08/01/2004 09:54

Its very hard to know what to do for the best, dh and I are still undecided, both of us have large families. We are worried that one or the other will feel hurt if we do not ask them. So can totally sympathise CD, its a very difficult situation.

Hulababy, any advice your dh can give would be greatly appreciated.

Blu · 08/01/2004 10:14

My best friend. She was a birth partner, babysits regularly and is very close to DS. We discussed it with her first.
Reasons:
Has no children of her own, so would not be in any dilemmas re needs of other sets of granparents etc.
Lives in london, and would understand and be able to honour living in a multi-everything kind of area (DS is mixed race, and needs to have access to a very good orthopeadic hospital / consultant)
Is absolutely honourable, and I know she would put DS's needs and our broad wishes at the forefront of any decisions
He loves her, and would feel 'her own' and not added on to any of his cousins families, IYSWIM.

CD, it's all v hard. If you are worried about offending family members, you could always leave a series of letters saying how much you value their role in your DDs life, and what roles and contributions yu would like them to undertake in your absence, which would make them feel needed and included, and more to the point, committed to an ongoing relationship with her even if they were a bit miffed with you! They don't even need to know what decision you have made, and might be secretly relieved not to be given responsibility, however much they love you and her.

dinosaur · 08/01/2004 10:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

princesspeahead · 08/01/2004 10:41

CD, you aren't leaving them to anyone, you are appointing guardians, who will then decide what is best for them. We have appointed my sister (at the time single and childless, now about to get married and childless) and one of my dh's brothers (three children of 19, 16 and 13). We decided that since we didn't know when (!) we would die, and what various people's situations would be like at that time, we would just choose one person from each side of the family who we know would together make the right decision for the children. It may be that they decide that eg my mother should have them.

I really wouldn't appoint out of the family unless you have no-one in the family you can trust to make decisions for your children. The family relationship IS different, no matter how close and wonderful godparents are IMO. ALso the fact that someone is family and related is likely to be very important to the children in the god-awful situation that they lose both their parents.

Hope that helps?

princesspeahead · 08/01/2004 10:43

ps as someone says you don't even have to tell the person they are appointed, but I think out of courtesy you should. Recently discovered that every single one of my dh's siblings have appointed us solely. If they all died in the same plane crash (and they do tend to go off together relatively often) we would have been left with 8 children! Feel a little less anxious now that 3 of them are over 18.

SpringChicken · 08/01/2004 10:56

I was having this conversation with my brother and SIL over Xmas.

They have 3 children (i of which i my brothers son, the other 2 are from a previous marriage on my SIL's part). They have obviously decided that they all must go to the same place and family but also realise what it is to ask someone to take on 3 children.
They have decided that the children should only go to someone who already has children - which rules out my other brother at present, SIL's sister is ruled out as SIL doesn't get on with her niece - therefore leaves DP & I (As we have baby on the way) or SIL's sister who has 2 children who are very close in age to her 2 eldest and get on great.

I would do anything for my neice and nephews and of course if the worst happened and i was appointed to care for them i would just do it as i'm sure most people would but the thought of looking after and caring for 3 children on top of however many children i may have by that point fills me with fear!

DP & I have pretty much decided that we will ask his brother and partner and we are all very close in age and have a great relationship - they have 2 kids of their own who are wonderful and i know they wouldn't even consider saying no - however, i personally feel the situation changes if you have more than 2 children.

It'sa very hard decision to make CountessD - i don't envy you!

marthamoo · 08/01/2004 11:06

I'm astonished (in an awed way) that so many of you have done this. I'm afraid I have a real head in the sand attitude to it and haven't asked anyone. Ideally, I would like my best friend...just have no idea how I would ask her. Can imagine though that family would be VERY put out if I didn't ask them. If I had to choose family, then dh's brother and partner would be my choice, but they live 300 miles away and I would hate for my parents (local) to have so little contact with my ds's. My parents are getting on in years and neither is in the best of health - and I think it would kill them to lose their grandchildren.

What a dilemma. I think I may stick my head back in the sand again

StressyHead · 08/01/2004 11:14

message withdrawn

Hulababy · 08/01/2004 11:16

Glitterygirl - I will ask him tonight and post his advice on here later. Maybe he should has his own little topic section about wills; I seem to be asking him lots recently for MN

StressyHead · 08/01/2004 11:17

message withdrawn

marthamoo · 08/01/2004 11:19

Maybe I should leave it all up to MN? Saves my family and friends falling out. Can you imagine the scene at the will-reading "and Marthamoo has specified that both children are to be auctioned on Mumsnet and all proceeds are to go to Mumsnet."

Mmmm....maybe not.

dinosaur · 08/01/2004 11:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

dinosaur · 08/01/2004 11:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

marthamoo · 08/01/2004 11:26

Dinosaur, you're right, it's something I need to give serious thought to

Came back on to take it back btw! No, no, no - tempting fate by saying it, dh and I will die now and it'll all be my fault for being flippant about such a serious topic.

The weather is grim isn't it?

WSM · 08/01/2004 11:36

Thats a thought and a half. DH and I have 3 kids, 2 of whom are from his first marriage. DH has a will, I currently don't (but am looking into it).

DH's will states that should he die, his sons from his first marriage will live fuul time with their birth mother and DD will remain with me, as one would expect.

Mine will read that DD stays with DH.

In the event of us both passing on before our time (unlikely, but god forbid), I have no idea what to say !

My instinct is to say that DD would live with my Mum, but she works full time and lives in Wales, so it would be very difficult (if not impossible) for her to have contact with her older brothers who she adores and vice-versa.

DH has 2 older brothers but I am not keen on the parenting techniques of his eldest brother who has an 8 year old (lovely couple but not what I would want as regards parenting for DD). He is also 48 (older than my Mum) and I have the age thing to think about there. Plus the fact they live in Cheshire and so are 1 and half hours from DD's brothers and other family, and also 2.5+ hours from my Mum

DH's next brother is only 18months younger than his oldest bro, making him 46/47. He and his wife are fabulous people, with a lovely home and lots of friends but their child-rearing days are well over as their 'kids' are 18 & 21. They are really enjoying the freedom of having older children and it would be less than fair to deprive them of that. There is again the issue of my Mum seeing DD, I don't for one second think that they would deny access etc but I just don't think I'd feel totally comfortable with the idea of my DD not living with a blood relative of mine (although my mum is the only one left)- does that sound weird ?

So I guess, I'd have to go with my Mum and make sure (as far as a dead woman can) that DD and the DSs still have access to each other. NIGHTMARE !

WSM · 08/01/2004 11:41

Plus the fact that the DSs Mum is hardly co-operative. I honestly think that she would be happy for the boys never to see their sister again, which is a devastating thought

StressyHead · 08/01/2004 11:41

message withdrawn

dinosaur · 08/01/2004 11:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

WSM · 08/01/2004 11:46

However, you slice it, these types of decisions are tough. Hope your Mum continues to do well, Dino

nearlymybeetrootday · 08/01/2004 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WSM · 08/01/2004 11:52

At least if I manage to stay on me perch, so to speak, I am in a position to keep the relationship between DD and the boys (and also myself and the boys) going. I live locally to DSs BM and can argue for Britain !!!

Northerner · 08/01/2004 12:01

Oh God I'd not event thought about any of this. Worse case scenario, if dh and I die what would happen to ds if we hadn't stipulated who we wanted his guardian to be?

Slinky · 08/01/2004 12:16

We have put my brother and SIL (currently childless) as "Guardians" of our 3. Both are aware of this - did consider my mum but she has been in poor health in the past and didn't want her to feel "burdened" by having the responsibility of our 3.

dinosaur · 08/01/2004 12:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Northerner · 08/01/2004 12:24

I really need to start thinking about this then.