INTROVERTS THREAD ...shhhh, we're over here

[NorksAreMessy]

Hello fellow introverts. I hope the last thread exploded due to time since it was started, and not because it was controversial. :o

I started the original thread after reading the wonderful book quiet and realizing that I was not alone.

Lots of people were kind enough to share their thoughts and experiences, and it was a good support for those of us who like being alone; hate parties, especially hen nights; love reading, crafting, walking, painting, creating; enjoy solitude; need some recovery time after being in a crowd; prefer thought to action.

We are not necessarily shy, we can be confident and even outspoken, but we are at our happiest having a bit of a think on our own, thanks all the same

It's a bit odd to have a group of introverts, but I prefer to think of us as a collective. Separate but together.

As Christmas approaches, I thought we might need a thread to help us through it all

And I've just ordered 'Quiet', thanks OP.

Are they necessarily stronger relationships, adeu? Or are they just different? My best friends see plenty of other people more often than me, but when there's a crisis, it's me they turn to, and I to them. I find that a lot of socialising when you have a partner is as a couple, or with the wives/partners of your OH, but as introverts we're on the periphery of these groups, and that's fine - I can't do the constant text messages and phone calls, so I don't. Also my three best friends have met each other once, at my wedding. I tend to compartmentalise my friendships, but a good friend will understand that it doesn't mean I value them any less ( that said, all three are introverts themselves!)

You are not 'doing nothing' this Christmas, you're spending time with your family. My ILs insisted on this despite both being quite extrovert. They both had difficult families and decided early on that Christmas would be just them and their sons. Both boys appreciated the family time and they remain a strong unit 30 odd years later.

Hello ade.
I hope 'Quiet' will help you to value your introversion and see it for the very positive thing that it is.
merlot has written almost word for word what I would have said.
As a bunch, we might not have hundreds of friends or a hectic social life, but we have quiet, thoughtful friendships that we really value with people who value us.
On a slightly different note, I think we might be good present givers as well
I have just spent a two hour dog walk thinking about the perfect present to give to each person. I have a reputation of being 'good at presents'
We THINK about things ("All owls think a lot") and ponder all possibilities.

Anyone else care to tell me that they are good at this as well so I don't feel so boastful :)

Nice to meet other introverts :)

I don't think introvert necessarily means shy. I have a fair amount of confidence generally, though I'm a bit awkward with small-talk and some social situations, probably due to lack of practice. I also don't mind crowds - I commute on the Tube every day and it's fine, because everyone ignores each other and there's strictly no interaction. When you think about it, it's actually a rare situation where everyone is making a point of being introverted, and that's considered a good thing!

Actually what I really struggle with actually is social encounters I'm unprepared for, e.g. when you unexpectedly meet someone, and have to go from 'in my own head' to 'interactive mode'.

Top thread. How nice to encounter other people whose worst fear is being locked in a room with lots of other people they don't know and forced to engage in Polite Chat.

Most of my friends are more extravert than me, which I like, because they never run out of conversation. I have one fellow introvert friend, who is lovely, but because we are both better listeners than talkers spending time together can feel like hard work!

I agree that shy does not equal introvert.
I am not shy at all, and can actually do small talk FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
In fact, I am better with complete strangers than I am with acquaintances. Less invested in the conversation and fewer opportunities to over-think
But, I do need to retreat and get back inside my own head for more of the day than I need to spend talking to other people.

I don't have a lot of friends. A very small group whom I see socially fairly rarely, with the exception of my best friend. I see her a couple of times a week because she lives very near to me and we have coffee at each others' houses or something. I love it this way!

What does annoy me is that a lot of people, particularly my family, call me antisocial for not wanting to go out much. I don't really know how to explain that huge family dinners or last-minute plans throw me into a right tizz and make me very anxious.

DP and I survived Oxford Street and the drinks yesterday. We quite enjoyed ourselves, actually! I only wanted to thump about 34 people.

As for hen nights -- I have just arranged mine... At my own house!

Oh wow Ive just seen this thread ... could this be what is "wrong" with me

I am confident when I want to be however dont do well at parties unless they are a small group of close friends.
If I have been out for two days in a row (shops, park etc) I need to have a day at home where I potter about with DD.
I rarely answer the phone or door unless its a parcel or a friend I actually want to talk to.
It takes me several days to pysche myself up to make "important" phone calls.
As a teenager I was thought "weird" as I spent most of my spare time hiking through the countryside on my own in all weathers, writing and reading.

I can be confident when I feel I fit - so in my orchestra (when I used to play), when I ran the school newspaper etc. But if I was "put" in a group or expected to "join in" I used to get incredibly nervous, was actually sick a few times as a child when forced to stand up and do performances that i didnt want to etc.

Does that sound like I could be an introvert?? Does this mean I dont need to keep trying to "overcome my fears" and force myself to do things that quite frankly make me cry??

Yes, you are one of us :o welcome aboard.

Yes, you can stop now trying to be somebody you aren't and embrace the thoughtful, peaceful, quiet and creative person that you are.

This is why i started this thread and its predecessors.
I was so relieved to find out that I was ALLOWED to be just the way I am, and did not have to be 'bubbly', 'outgoing', 'up for it' etc.

'Anti-social' seems to be used only in a perjorative way.
I prefer 'self contained'.

It is interesting that people seem to be quite happy criticising those who are self contained, but it is not 'done' to criticise those who are out every night having 'fun' (ick). Although (and I may be biased here) we dont spend stupid amounts of money, drink to excess, vomit in our handbags or snog strangers :o. We are sitting at home painting or sewing or reading or baking. Why is that supposed to be so bad? Why do others want us to be like them?

No you don't Twinkle. Doesn't it feel like being let out of prison?

As well as Quiet I also keep recommending The Highly Sensitive Person, which describes similar characteristics and the strength and weaknesses of being sensitive - not right or wrong, just different.

hi ladies can i join

i am 34 have 2 dds dd1 is 7 yrs old in school
dd2 is 4yrs end of jan she goes to nursery half days - mon ,tues and fri, goes all day thursday and is off wednesdays
i work in a supermarket fri eves, sat eves and all sun
as i am at home with girls
it can be very hard being a sahm especially when it comes to socialising

as school i was very shy and got verbally bullied mainly by the boys, at home i was always chatty
when i got to college i came out of my shell as i realised that this was the only way to make friends etc
i was bullied a tiny bit at college not alot really compared with school
now i suffer from anxiety!!
i have been on ads a few times and am currently on them now
i dont have any friends in the area to see or chat to
i text one best friend but dont see her in person
me and dh dont go out as we have the dds!
family occasions dont come up very often when they do so much of me resists and i start worrying!! which usually results in going to the toilet sorry TMI- also have IBS the anxiety upsets this
i often take immodium before an event to make sure i dont need to go
i am fine with my family hubby etc u cant stop me talking
also i hate travelling dhs parents live up in hull
we r moving next month

I sometimes do some of those things Norks. Just in a very reserved way.

dd1 has dyspraxia wonder if i have that
also i took an autisim test scored highly
have always felt odd and different like i dont fit in

With things like using the phone, it might be worth trying to 'train' yourself to be able to do it easily, since it's a convenient skill to have. Otherwise, no, it's fine to be the way you are. And IME one of the nice things about being an adult is getting to decide what you will and won't do. I hate forced 'fun' activities and 'joining in' too . So I just don't do them any more.

Oh, the 'phone thing. Ugh. It has just taken me 2 weeks to pluck up the courage to call my wedding dress shop to arrange a fitting for my dress. And when I did finally call them this weekend, I actually had to ring the dressmaker directly. AT HOME. Which means that I could have been interrupting her from all sorts of things. And on a Saturday

I also score highly on autistic-spectrum tests - I wonder if that's correlated with being introverted. I am INTP on Myers-Briggs assessments.

I like being the way I am though. I wouldn't change it. It's just a shame more people aren't this way, IMO.

I score ridiculously highly on ASD tests. Also on ADD tests.

its like the last jigsaw piece has just clicked into place! Ahh the relief!

It had counselling a while back following leaving an abusive relationship and the counsellor didnt seem to "get" that my preference for spending time on my own was not a result of the abuse but that Id always been like that. She had me doing all these exercises to try and "rebuild my confidence" which actually made me less confident by putting me under additional pressure. Ive stopped going now as really felt she wasnt listening to me.

I currently have the excuse of being 23wks pregnant to throw at family who tut that Ive not been out every day that week or not answered the phone. Its funny isnt that pregnant women seem to be excused their introvertedness because its acknowledged that it makes you quite inward iyswim? Then as soon as you have the baby you're expected to go to ten groups a week etc. Maybe that was just my experience?

hi twinkle
i also had counselling over the phone it definetly helped

Hi I think I'm an introvert too!!

have been called anti-social, not very exciting, homebody......

I just like pootling about in my own space not having to put up with the twittering of others....

I'm a cosy evening in in my slippers with a glass of red wine with hubby watching Poirot type of person... not a nightclubbing, noisy, bungee-jumping type....

I CAN be confident and am anyone's rock in a crisis, I just prefer to spend time the voice inside my head to those outside it (though that does make me sound a bit like a psychopath )

*with the voice duh....

I think the ASD tests do ask questions about introversion, so presumably there's a correlation. I score low on ASD tests, but would score even lower if I didn't like spending time on my own iyswim?

I'm an INFJ on Myers-Briggs, apparently the least common personality type in the UK (strangely proud of that!). When I did the test it was as part of my GP training - afterwards we all had to mark a cross in a 4x4 grid for the different types - about 90% were extroverts and, out of 50 or so people, I was the only one in my grid square.

Maybe that's why I'm increasingly pursuing a career in academia - I can only cope with actual patient interaction a day or two a week. More than that and I get very stressed. It took me a while to figure out not every GP felt like this . I do provide a very supportive, listening, patient centred approach to the patients I do see, though.

Merlot and Norks - I wish I could value being an introvert but I can't at the moment, because it really does feel like there is something wrong with me - but then I only self diagnosed after reading the thread this morning, so it's all new. What a relief that I'm not the only one though...and I hope the book helps, it's on express delivery for tomorrow

Hi introverts.

Can I please join your thread?

How do you people cope with Xmas when you go visiting and staying at people's houses? I really like IL's, but I really hate not being able to retreat off on my own when it all gets too much.