INTROVERTS THREAD ...shhhh, we're over here

[NorksAreMessy]

Hello fellow introverts. I hope the last thread exploded due to time since it was started, and not because it was controversial. :o

I started the original thread after reading the wonderful book quiet and realizing that I was not alone.

Lots of people were kind enough to share their thoughts and experiences, and it was a good support for those of us who like being alone; hate parties, especially hen nights; love reading, crafting, walking, painting, creating; enjoy solitude; need some recovery time after being in a crowd; prefer thought to action.

We are not necessarily shy, we can be confident and even outspoken, but we are at our happiest having a bit of a think on our own, thanks all the same

It's a bit odd to have a group of introverts, but I prefer to think of us as a collective. Separate but together.

As Christmas approaches, I thought we might need a thread to help us through it all

[SecretNutellaFix]

I am dreading tomorrow.

My DH's grandfather died on the 17th and it's his funeral tomorrow. Lots of strangers I have never met. Fills me with dread.

[PimpMyHippo]

Sorry for your (/DH's) loss Nutella :( Hopefully as it's a funeral, people will be more understanding than usual - nobody feels like being the life and soul of a party on such a sombre occasion, nor expects anyone else to be. Will you have somewhere to escape to if needs be? I spent most of my grandad's wake reading in the car. Luckily people put it down to grief rather than rudeness.

[CarrotCruncher]

Can you keep the noise down here please thank you

[PositiveAttitude]

Oh an I join you all. I am so pleased to "meet" people like me!! I am quite shy, but once I relax I can come across as fairly confident, but underneath all that I am a total introvert! I always need space alone, hate socialising.

We moved countries 4 months ago. I am quite happy without friends here, although DH and others are applying pressure for me to make friends and meet people. There are people here that I have met who are lovely people and I am sure we could be good friends, but I am just happy on my own.

I start at a new office today. Slightly having a freak out about it all at the moment!!

Christmas not celebrated in this country, so I have escaped the socialising, at least!

[SoftKittyWarmKitty]

Hope things go ok for you today, Nutella. Like Pimp says, funerals are quite sombre as a rule, so hopefully it won't be too bad.

I took DS to the park yesterday afternoon, once the rain stopped. The part near us has a small playground and at first there was only us and another mum with a DS a few years younger. Of course the two boys gravitated towards each other to play together which was lovely for them, but as I'm so utterly shit at small talk I hardly said two words to the other mum . I'm sure she must have thought I was really rude so on the off chance that she happens to be reading this now, I'm not rude, honest, I'm actually really nice . I have a friend that would have chatted away, got her number and made a friend for life in that situation. I don't know how she does it. She met one of her closest friends at a bus stop while waiting for a bus! Sometimes I feel completely inadequate socially .

[MerlotforOne]

Kitty, I think the other mum may have been an introvert too? Otherwise surely she would have tried to initiate conversation?

I always feel vaguely guilty for not approaching other people in those situations (and for not calling my friends very often!), but then I figure, people have busy lives, and it's not as though I'd ignore them if they decided to chat to me - in fact it's a running joke in my family that complete strangers tell me their life stories at the bus stop, because I listen and nod, rather than just taking turns to talk!

There's a quote somewhere that 'no-one has more than half a dozen close friends, the rest are just varying degrees of acquaintances.' I think maybe introverts just have fewer acquaintances, not fewer friends.

[VerityClinch]

I have to go and kick my team of builders up the ass this morning.

I hate confrontation.

I hate managing people.

It's dark and rainy and I would like to be tucked up at (our rented) home in a big cardigan not schlepping ten miles cross country to a freezing cold building site with no lights.

[SecretNutellaFix]

I'll probably be putting on my public persona once again.

[Pinot]

Hello once again, lovely introverts who understand me and don't pressure me into being something and someone I am not.

:)
:)

[Pinot]

Nutty you can do it, you'll just feel exhausted and spent afterwards. Make plans for an exit strategy with DH, maybe?

[MadBusLady]

Pleased to see this thread. Just had one of those "Quiet" Carriage incidents (you know, the ones where because the train is full and people have to sit in the Quiet Carriage who wouldn't normally choose to that somehow magically means they don't have to obey the rule) so am feeling like a bruised little peach in a world of harsh apples.

[maybeyoushoulddrive]

May I join you too please? I love having my own space and time just to be. I dread social situations - get quite panicky actually - although I do like spending time one to one with close friends. I am a SAHM too and like amicissimma I can easily spend the days on my own just pottering

I definitely agree about hating having to deal with builders etc, I even hate having to talk to the hairdresser!

[MadBusLady]

There is a totally under-estimated market for mute hairdressing. I once read an article about some poncy hairdressing place in LA where it's company policy that they don't talk because they are concentrating on their art. That must be bliss!

[maillotjaune]

Nutella sorry for your loss, hopefully as it's a funeral you won't the same pressure to socialise as at other gatherings.

BusLady I love your peach and apples thing!

I rather like rainy drop offs at school - everyone is in a rush to go home so no need to stand around making small talk.

[Hydrophilic]

I'm just going to sneak in here at the back... don't mind me.

[MrsTwankey]

Thank you to Norks and everyone that has posted. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME! I thought I was the only who felt like this. I'm married to an extrovert and find it draining at times especially when we have 2 weeks away on holiday and am with him 24/7.
Hate crowds, large social functions (get anxious), loud noises. Am happiest pottering around, love going for walks, reading, like having friends over but only a couple at a time.

[SoftKittyWarmKitty]

Merlot that did cross my mind, that she's possibly an introvert too. How on earth would two introverts ever become friends?

I always rush home from the school run, rain or not . Partly to avoid people, partly because I only have two weekdays at home so have a lot to do (housework, food shopping, pottering etc).

[adeucalione]

I am very glad to have found this thread. I don't think I have ever given it much thought, but having read your posts I recognise myself as an introvert!

All my life I have been told that I am aloof and standoffish, which upsets me because I think I am kind and a good friend. I try really hard to 'fit in' but ultimately fail because it never crosses my mind to do the things that other people seem to do - when DH works away I don't invite friends round, when I want to see a film I don't ring round to get a group together etc.

In fact, this does make me a bit sad because I enjoy meeting people on a one-to-one basis, or as part of a small group, but friendships tend to fizzle out as they gravitate to more fun people - the people who are hosting dinner parties and so on.

[MerlotforOne]

My closest friends are introverts -they're the ones that don't think it's odd that I can go for months without contact but still care about them and their lives - the ones that needed me to check in regularly in order to feel loved fell away a long time ago!

How did we meet? Well, generally, when two people try to hide in the same corner at a party.....

[MerlotforOne]

Oh, and YY to Madbuslady's 'quiet carriage incident' - I know exactly what you mean!

[adeucalione]

I think my problem is that I do care that there are all sorts of sociable things going on without me.

If I was invited, I wouldn't want to go. But as I'm not invited (because I've said 'no' to so many things that people stop asking) I dwell on the fact that nice friends are doing exciting things and sharing experiences without me.

This might just be because I live in a little town where everyone knows everyone else, it's very hard to be anonymous. I need the desert island from upthread, or - as I've always told DH - a little cottage halfway up a mountain in the middle of nowhere (possibly with gun turrets).

[MerlotforOne]

adeucalione - but if you went, would it be nice and exciting for YOU? Or would it be miserable and nerve wracking? Also, there's nothing to stop you from seeing nice friends, just one on one, rather than in groups.

[ThisLittleMonster]

What a lovely thread to find

I recognise so many things mentioned here in myself. Crowds don't bother me because generally you don't have to interact with the anyone. I'll happily walk down Oxford Street or through a shopping centre. GROUP shopping expeditions though...... On my own, with my DH OR mum OR sister is fine.

I was wishing the ground would swallow me up a few weeks ago when I found myself in a town centre with my DH and both his parents after having lunch and they had a sudden random obsession with not going home without first finding and buying me a new pair of shoes... I was painfully aware of not wanting to appear ungrateful, but I had not said I was looking for some (DH must've mentioned I was keeping my eye out for a new pair of boots, but I like to take my time), I was wearing completely inappropriate shoe-trying-on shoes and socks, and arrrggghh the pressure! I was NOT happy with poor DH, but I did get over it

Hen nights. I still cringe to remember my own, which my sister made a valiant effort to organise and get me to enjoy. I was so aware of not hurting hers or anyone elses feelings that I went along with it, but I do wish I could've found a way to explain I would really really rather not, or would rather have a quite dinner with my close family. Noisy bar, awkward yelled conversation with friends I hadn't seen for ages, huge age range of people all pretending to enjoy themselves, I've never been so glad to see a taxi turn up!

What I want to know is this: why, when I have spent huge amounts of time and effort over the years going along with things to to save people's feelings, do the same otherwise lovely people not give the same consideration your feelings when you get brave enough to make your wishes known. Does that make sense? I remember my 18th birthday, and we had a big family meal out. I spoke to my mum and said I would like to eat out (as was expected by everyone) rather than stay in, but please, please, no public announcements or singing or birthday cake, we'll do my cake when we get home after. I told her I reeeeeally would hate it, please don't, and she promised. Who do you think ended up standing on a chair and what you do you think happened!?!? Of course I smiled and said thank you after, but reminded her she promised. She said that my auntie and cousins expected it and she didn't want to make me look miserable and she knew I'd enjoy it really, she could tell. ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!

Wow, this has become a big post, sorry. It's nice to get confirmation I'm not just miserable, I'm not!

[maillotjaune]

I used to care that there were social things going on that I wasn't at. I think I genuinely thought I would be happier with a huge group of friends that spent lots of time together.

And yet...when DH and I did live near a few friends for a couple of years, and we had no children so socialised more, I didn't love it. I always wanted to leave early but felt I would spoil the fun, so drank instead (and often fell asleep which was one way of getting out of it ).

Kitty I think I have only made friends with fairly introverted people since having children. We are the ones who don't feel the need to talk to everyone at park / toddlers / school but still a few parents of children's friends have become my friends (slowly ).

[adeucalione]

Merlot, you're right of course. I do make an effort to see friends individually or in small groups, but am painfully aware that they are building stronger relationships with other people that they see more often now. It's definitely my problem, but I am not happy being an introvert and wish I could be different. Sadly have realised over many years that I simply can't become something I'm not. I just need to meet more people who like reading, R4 and general quiet pottering about!

Happily, DH, DC and I will not see a single other person over Christmas - they are all accounted for elsewhere. I am really looking forward to it, but feel a bit sad when people ask what we're doing and the answer is 'ummm...nothing'.