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Original poster

I don't think my friend could have been any more insensitive really

60 replies

emkana · 05/04/2006 14:34

I'm 31 weeks, baby is suspected to have achondroplasia (dwarfism).

Talked to a friend on the phone today. In the course of the conversation she came up with these little treasures:

Me (about the likely diagnosis): "It could be a lot worse"
Her: "Yeah but it could also be a lot better."

I told her that my SIL has just had a healthy baby girl.
My friend: "So how do you cope with other people having healthy children?"

Then at the end she said "I wasn't going to mention the diagnosis anyway."
Well I certainly wish she hadn't, if that's what she's got to say about it...

I'm sorry if I'm being harsh, but it really wasn't helpful.

OP posts:
NomDePlume · 05/04/2006 14:36
Shock

I'm sorry you had to listen to that, emkana Sad

Original poster
emkana · 05/04/2006 14:38

She's always one to come out with crass remarks.

When I was breastfeeding dd1 at nearly two years of age she said "You're turning her into a future drug addict."

Question is really why I stay friends with her?

OP posts:
Carmenere · 05/04/2006 14:39

But your baby most likely will be healthy, he/she will just have achondroplasia. It definitely could be a LOT worse. Please don't mind her, I'm sure she does care about you but is just thoughtless in the way she phrases things. Be strong, you will be ok.

moono · 05/04/2006 14:39

She probbaly didn't mean to be insensitive emkana. Sometimes it's hard to know what to say exactly and what you do say can often come out sounding wrong. Really sorry that you are going through all this worry btw.

Carmenere · 05/04/2006 14:40

Actually maybe it would be a good idea to steer clear of her for the next few months.

busybusybee · 05/04/2006 14:45

Emkana - your so called friend sounds like she must have low self esteem to be so rude in her put downs to you - some friend

I dont think she is helpful for you right now

I work with adults who have severe learning difficulties - none with anhondroplasia though. Everyone of them is wonderful and your child will be too Im sure. Different too other children, but then in reality we are all different.

I hope the weeks leading up to the birth are better for you :)

Original poster
emkana · 05/04/2006 19:01

I do have a bit of a feeling that with this friend and with another one they feel that I was overdue some misfortune in my life - they have accused me in the past for not knowing what real hardship was like (in which they are right, to some extent).
So now it seems that while they are feeling genuine sympathy, they are also feeling that it was sort of bound to happen that something had to go wrong at some stage in my life.

OP posts:
FastasleepInABunnySuit · 05/04/2006 19:03

Shock Some people just aren't ver tactful, awww em that's not what you need atm is it Sad

this isn't how most people will react to dwarfism... at least now you know how narrow minded that particular friend is Sad

FastasleepInABunnySuit · 05/04/2006 19:03

very*

foxinsocks · 05/04/2006 19:05

what a lovely way to go through life - waiting for a friend to suffer a misfortune so that they too can experience hardship! They sound like they are jealous of you emkana. I would try and rise above it (it's hard). If you don't fancy seeing her, then don't bother. You don't need unsupportive people at the moment.

HRHQueenOfQuotes · 05/04/2006 19:06

well from reading your posts (admittedly not all) about the diagnosis you've been given it would appear that you've accepted it quite well. And, as you, and others have said, it could be a lot worse, you're going to have a healthy child - who happens to have achondroplasia - I suppose if they want to look at is as "some misfortune" in your life - that's their problem.

Does this woman have any children - given her comments about the breastfeeding - and this one about your baby I suspect (hope!) not. And if she does she should realise that a healthy baby (who happens to have achondroplasia) is hardly a 'misfortune'.

Sorry if I have said completely the wrong thing (wouldn't be unheard of for me Blush) but that's my take on it.............

runs and hides in the corners in case she's really put her foot in it

Original poster
emkana · 05/04/2006 19:07

She has three children Shock

Nothing wrong with your post QoQ Smile

OP posts:
harpsichordcarrier · 05/04/2006 19:09

Shockpoor you emkana you really don't need this right now
HC xx

HRHQueenOfQuotes · 05/04/2006 19:09

3!!! OMG - I'm in shock - guess I'd better go and put my rice on to cook before I boil the pan dry Grin.

rumtumtigger · 05/04/2006 19:12

She is trying to support you. If she is getting it wrong don't be too hard on her.

"Yeah but it could also be a lot better." means "I know you are trying to be brave and positive but I am your friend, you can tell me how you really feel"

"So how do you cope with other people having healthy children?" means "I am worried that this may make things even harder for you - is that the case?"

"I wasn't going to mention the diagnosis anyway." means "I realise that my previous comments have not been the right thing to say and I wish I hadn't said them now"

Original poster
emkana · 05/04/2006 19:15

rumtumtigger - you're right, this is most likely what her intentions were.

BUT this friend is renowned in our "circle" for being blunt and insensitive at times, and I just wish she would try and work on that a bit. And also I feel quite vulnerable atm and so I might choose to just keep my distance from her for a bit until I'm a bit more adjusted to the situation.

OP posts:
rumtumtigger · 05/04/2006 19:20

Emkhana I think giving her a wide berth for a little while is a good idea - when feeling fragile it is not good to have to deal with this kind of thing.

But don't be too hard on her is my thought - I think she quite possibly is trying her best.

Hugs going out to you BTW

twocatsonthebed · 05/04/2006 19:22

You may know of him already, but I was at university (Cambridge, in fact) with a bloke who had achondroplasia and it didn't seem to hold him back at all - he then went on to be an academic and, I believe is now married with 2 kids.

His name's Tom Shakespeare and if you have a furtle around on the BBC disability website, he certainly used to write a regular column for him. I'll see if I can dig out a link if that will help.

As for your friend, she sounds like the kind of person who keeps herself up by keeping other people down, even if she doesn't know what she's doing. I think you're right; if you can't handle it at the moment, you don't have to.

twocatsonthebed · 05/04/2006 19:25

\link{http://www.bbc.co.uk/ouch/columnists/tom/270306_index.shtml\here it is}

Original poster
emkana · 05/04/2006 19:41

Thank you very much! Smile

OP posts:
Pruni · 05/04/2006 20:10

Emkana, I am one of those people who seems to manage to say the wrong thing whilst trying to be helpful. Blush
If I apologised on her behalf would it make any difference? Smile
I bet she's replaying the conversation in her head and thinking "Oh ffs, not again..."

moono · 05/04/2006 20:14

Agree with rumtumtigger.

elliott · 05/04/2006 20:17

twocatsonthebed, I was also at Cambridge with Tom Shakespeare (I was there 85-88)....and have also crossed paths with him professionally - he lives in my neck of the woods now.

BudaBabe · 05/04/2006 20:24

emkana - are you in touch with anyone with a child with achondroplasia? I know someone who has a 4 year old son with achondroplasia - she is a SALT at DS's school. I could put you in touch via e-mail I am sure if you would like to talk to her.

Let me know - I don't know her very well (although we are both Irish so have a "bond"!) and have no idea if she knew before her DS was born or not. He is at a mainstream nursery school here and doing very well and they are looking at what school to send him to next.

Original poster
emkana · 05/04/2006 20:28

budababe - I don't know anyone!

If it turns out to be the right diagnosis then it would be great to be able to get in touch with somebody who's living with it, so maybe I could contact you when I know for definite? Would that be okay?

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