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Original poster

I don't think my friend could have been any more insensitive really

60 replies

emkana · 05/04/2006 14:34

I'm 31 weeks, baby is suspected to have achondroplasia (dwarfism).

Talked to a friend on the phone today. In the course of the conversation she came up with these little treasures:

Me (about the likely diagnosis): "It could be a lot worse"
Her: "Yeah but it could also be a lot better."

I told her that my SIL has just had a healthy baby girl.
My friend: "So how do you cope with other people having healthy children?"

Then at the end she said "I wasn't going to mention the diagnosis anyway."
Well I certainly wish she hadn't, if that's what she's got to say about it...

I'm sorry if I'm being harsh, but it really wasn't helpful.

OP posts:

Twinkie1 · 05/04/2006 20:30

Em I have a friend like that and have only recently found out the she is not a spiteful bitch at all she has some thing wrong that she can't properly empathise or put what she wants to say the way everyone else would so just sounds like a complete bitch!!!

You sound like you are coping terribly well thouogh - there was a little boy on child of our time who had achondroplasia - maybe you could get hold of that on DVD it may give you some insight into hat to expect?

Good Luck XXX

WestCountryLass · 05/04/2006 20:31

Why do some people think it is OK to say things without considering the other persons feelings :( I think saying "I really do not know what to say to support you but I am your friend and I will listen" is better than putting foot in mouth and hurting peoples feelings. I do believe some people are so far up there own behinds they don't even think about other people and the possibility of causing offence.

Did you see the Channel 4 series that featured a little boy with dwarfism? I think it was called Born To Be Different, it was very positive and inspirational.

Original poster

emkana · 05/04/2006 20:32

I saw Born to be different, was one of the first things I thought of when the doctor talked to us about it.

Are you sure it was Child of our Time, Twinkie? Or did you mean Born to be different as well?

OP posts:

snowleopard · 05/04/2006 20:33

I bet Tom Shakespeare and a lot of other people with achondroplasia would laugh if they heard it being described as a "misfortune"! I agree, don't worry about the friend (she does sound insensitive to me) and focus on meeting some peope with experience of this who will cheer you up.

Twinkie1 · 05/04/2006 20:35

No I am sure it was child of our time the one where they film them each year - there was a beauttiful little boy who's dad was a competitive rower or such like and you really expected him to be devastated because he was so athletic but he wasn't I think he said something like his son just came in a different package!!

I will have a hunt and try and find it for you.

BudaBabe · 05/04/2006 20:37

Emkana - no problem - just let me know.

blueteddy · 05/04/2006 20:38

I cannot believe your friend made such horrible negative comments.
You are not being harsh at all - she was being very insensitive & I don't blame you for being angry.
You don't need this right now.

Twinkie1 · 05/04/2006 20:39

Bizarre - I have looked on the website and can;t find it - I wonder if anyone else remembers what show it was - I could have sworn it was child of our time!!

SORRY!!

Original poster

emkana · 05/04/2006 20:40

No problem twinkie

OP posts:

blueteddy · 05/04/2006 20:42

I remember the little boy who featured on the born to be different series. He was really cute!

WestCountryLass · 05/04/2006 21:07

www.channel4.com/health/microsites/D/different/series.html

SaintGeorge · 05/04/2006 21:21

My brother's SIL has achondroplasia.

I'm not going to lie, she has had various problems in her life both medically and dealing with crap from people about her size. Mind you it didn't help that all 5 of her siblings are over 6ft. She is one of the brightest, bubbliest people I know who has never let anything get in her way.

She now has a daughter of her own who also has achondroplasia. I have never seen such a determined toddler. The girl is devious I tell you and probably puts Marsy's DTs to shame on the escapology front .

If you want any advice I will try to get hold of her email address for you.

kittyb · 05/04/2006 21:44

emkana - there is something very liberating in shedding "friends" like these! I am in the process of doing so. At times feel a bit guilty and selfish, but life is short - spend it with people you like!!!!! Its really liberating!!!

eidsvold · 05/04/2006 22:59

As you know we have a dd with down syndrome and we had friends making comments like that - one that sticks in my mind is my friend's horrified face when we were talking about children and I mentioned the fact that dh and I would like more children. She could not understand why we would want more children after having dd1. Her response was but what about you know..... I ( being the cow I can be at times) finally got her to say what if we had another child with down syndrome or a heart defect etc..... it was bad enough we had one!!

I quickly learnt that those who were not supportive, pleased for us and our babe were not worthy of a place in our lives - harsh but figured we had enough prejudice to deal with from strangers without taking crap from people who were supposed to be our 'friends'.

Life was too short. Our daughter was too precious and she also did not deserve to be around people who thought like that.

As someone else said - rather the - I don't know what to say but I am your friend and here for you if you need someone sort of comment is far more helpful.... being excited for you that you have a new babe on the way and all those sorts of things are what you need NOT unhelpful statements like that.

handlemecarefully · 05/04/2006 23:03

I don't know .... - could she have misguidedly meant to empathise by saying "yeah, and it could have been a lot better"...i.e. did she perhaps think that you were putting on a "brave front", and she was in a cack handed and clumsy sort of way trying to let you know that you could offload to her if you needed to?

handlemecarefully · 05/04/2006 23:08

Before I am misconstrued by anyone, I am not implying that having a child with dwarfism is in any way a 'terrible thing' that requires lots of empathy etc. Just that, realistically, most prospective parents would feel some apprehension about entering 'unchartered waters' and perhaps she was trying to acknowledge this?

Or alternatively, she could just be an arse

Original poster

emkana · 05/04/2006 23:16

Either way I just don't have the patience atm to put up with it.

In a way this whole worrying thing throughout this pregnancy is making me quite selfish, hopefully that will change a bit again when I have adjusted a bit.

But I just seem to be quite unforgiving atm as to what I'm willing to take and what not.

OP posts:

Dior · 05/04/2006 23:18

Emkana - you are pg, you're allowed to get stroppy and assertive! You need supportive people around you at the moment.

foundintranslation · 05/04/2006 23:24

em... limited patience, or 'selfishness' as you call it (I don't think so though), is pure self-protection at a very difficult time. It doesn't mean your personality is really changing.
FWIW the friend's comments do seem to me to be raher blunt and insensitive... clumsy at the least.
Stick with those who do you good - now is not the time to tie yourself in knots trying to be tolerant and understanding.

Original poster

emkana · 05/04/2006 23:26

FIT - und was machst Du hier immer noch wach? Meine Guete bei Euch ist es doch schon weit nach Mitternacht! Ab in's Bett mit Dir!

OP posts:

foundintranslation · 05/04/2006 23:29

ich weiss, ich weiss... es ist verflixt, lege ich mich hin, kann ich erst mal ne ganze Weile nicht schlafen... Aber wo du recht hast, hast du recht :) Gute Nacht!

handlemecarefully · 05/04/2006 23:29

please translate Emkana. Oh please!

Original poster

emkana · 05/04/2006 23:31

Just told FIT off for still being awake at this time of the night (one hour later in Germany as well) and she has seen the error of her ways and is going to bed!

And that's where I'm going now too! Gute Nacht liebe Mumsnetter! (work that one out for yourself )

OP posts:

handlemecarefully · 05/04/2006 23:33

Thanks for that. I'm just plain nosey, sorry . Gute Nacht!

eidsvold · 06/04/2006 06:45

fit did say i know, i know, but she couldn't sleep... sorry basic school german coming back to me

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