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Original poster

Another wedding invitation dilemma

52 replies

ponygirl · 29/03/2006 17:48

My brother has just rung to give me the details of his wedding plans. They have decided to have a very small wedding ceremony to be followed later in the year by two big parties for family and friends (both families are quite large and quite spread out). To the wedding they are only inviting parents and siblings. No children apart from their own (understood) but no husbands of siblings. Is this really rude?

My dh and I have been married for 9 years, my db and SIL (to be) came to our wedding and yet my dh is being excluded from theirs (as are my SIL's sisters' husbands). Dh is offended and upset and I feel the same on his behalf. I know that dh would rather I didn't go, but this is my brother and he's the only full sibling I have.

Am I over-reacting?

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 29/03/2006 17:50

I don't think you are! Not including spouses of people in an invite is pretty strange and irritating, I think.

desperateSCOUSEwife · 29/03/2006 17:50

How would you feel if your dh was invited to his sisters wedding
and you were excluded???

Sorry but I would be pretty peeved in either of these situations.
It is extremely rude behaviour.

I personally would not attend.

CHICagoMUM · 29/03/2006 17:51

What is their reasoning behind this? I personally would be hugely upset and yes I do think it is incredibly rude.

Carmenere · 29/03/2006 17:51

No that's wierd.

SoupDragon · 29/03/2006 17:54

Not sure that it counts as rude but it's certainly very odd indeed.

Bink · 29/03/2006 17:55

Are you close enough to him to ask why? You might find eg that there's some huge problem with one of SIL-to-be's in-laws?

Assuming your brother's generally a rational sort, this is such an unusual arrangement that I would suspect there was something definite behind it.

SoupDragon · 29/03/2006 17:55

Having said that, it would double the guest list so maybe it's a cost issue?

CHICagoMUM · 29/03/2006 17:57

But if they are throwing 2 big parties surely the cost of your siblings spouses can't be that much of an issue?

WigWamBam · 29/03/2006 18:05

When my SIL got married she invited three people - their two best friends, and my MIL. Siblings weren't invited, let alone their spouses (although they didn't stretch to refusing expensive gifts). I thought it was offensive, and dh was upset and rather put out. In the end though we realised that it was their day to spend as they chose, with the people they chose, and there was nothing we could do about it other than wish them well and join in with the party they had a couple of months later.

We found out later that they had done it because my late BIL didn't want his sisters there because of some stuff that had gone on in the past, but he felt that if they invited any other family at all then he had to invite them - so they didn't invite anyone. It wasn't as personal as it first seemed. I wonder if there's something like that going on with your brother?

bushytail · 29/03/2006 18:08

Yes, I suggest you find out (if you can) what's behind it, that might help you understand. However, in the final analysis, it's their wedding day. If it's not going to cause a row between you and your dh I would go along with what they want. There's nowt so queer as folk! :)

desperateSCOUSEwife · 29/03/2006 18:08

wwb I can imagine it is down to family strife of some sort

but why should "innocent" in all this family members be pushed out

people should have the conviction to tell the truth whether they want so and so but not so and so invited at least

moondog · 29/03/2006 18:11

God,how silly can you get??
Not surprised your dh is miffed.

jayjaybaby · 29/03/2006 18:13

sorry this is a long one

my mum got married for the third time recently Shock it was a huge surprrise she has been with my 'dad' for the last 13 years and i was only invited on the actually day of the wedding as was my brother my dads mum and my cousin who lives with them and that was an hour before the ceremony
im married and when i told my dh after the ceremony he was chuffed but a little peeved but it hurt my aunt most as she and my mum are incredibley close
but it was what they wanted had ahe invited my aunt and not me we would not be speaking but my other half would never have said you are not going as he knows how much they mean to me
after all they got married eight months to the day of our wedding

WideWebWitch · 29/03/2006 18:30

How weird, to exclude husbands and wives, very odd imo. I'd be offended too I think.

compo · 29/03/2006 18:33

I think that is very odd. By marrying him your dh should be seen as part of the family. Not sure what I would do in this case, would be very upset if I wasn't invited to a family function on dh's side and would feel upset if he went without me

TheBlonde · 29/03/2006 18:39

Personally I wouldn't be offended if my brother did this
It is their choice and it sounds like everyone is being treated equally

Elf1981 · 29/03/2006 18:43

While you can stop somebody coming to your wedding reception (private function etc) you cannot stop anybody coming to a wedding. Be it in church or registary office, I'm 99.9% sure you cannot stop anybody from going.

harpsichordcarrier · 29/03/2006 18:43

no, you're not overreaccting. That's horrible actually, to exclude your dh.
I, personally, wouldn't go without my dh.

WigWamBam · 29/03/2006 18:47

DSW, my SIL and her dh were more concerned about reducing their own stress than in worrying about whether innocent family members would be excluded and hurt. I don't for a moment think it's right, and we were initially both very hurt, but I can partially understand why they did it. It would have been hard for my BIL to have his sister there, but it would have been equally hard for him to have included my dh and not them.

Ponygirl, I would suggest that you have a quiet chat with your brother and ask what their reasons are.

TheBlonde · 29/03/2006 18:57

Elf - you can stop people coming to a registry office - some of the offices only allow a certain number of people due to fire regs

Aero · 29/03/2006 19:11

I would be offended on dh's behalf (probably more than he would be actually) - after all, he is my next of kin. I honestly think I'd find it difficult to attend without my feelings showing in some way if there were not a very good reason.
I think I'd do my best to find out if there is any personal reason. Would be easier to accept if it were simply down to cost I guess, or if there was a family issue on one side which others have mentioned (and dh could babysit Shock!). If neither, I don't think I'd attend tbh.

Wills · 29/03/2006 19:21

I got a phone call 3 hours (11.00pm) before my brother's wedding to tell me the website that I could hook up to to watch their wedding live in Las Vegas. My mother was distraught. My personal view is that each should have the wedding that they want. This stems a lot from being bullied into my mother's dream of a wedding rather than having mine and dh's dream.

Yes its rude but I think it would be a shame to let it cause a family rift. In your situation I would very politely wish them a lovely day but say that it wouldn't feel right to attend with my dh.

Gillian76 · 29/03/2006 19:26

I would be upset and I know DH would be too if this happened.

I don't know if I'd refuse to go, however.

If I were you I'd try to find out the reasons behind it, but at the end of the day if they've issued the invitiations I can't see them saying now, "oh it's OK, spouses can come after all".

A bit strange IMO.

Tommy · 29/03/2006 19:27

If you are that close to your brother, can't you just ask him why?

mazzystar · 29/03/2006 19:44

i know its their marriage, can do what they like etc. but it makes you wonder a bit about their concept of what marriage means doesn't it? i mean, isn't it supposed to be as though husbands and wives become become part of each other's family? (sadly neither dh or i have any siblings and only one surviving parent between us, so i don't have any experience to speak of).