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Original poster

Another wedding invitation dilemma

52 replies

ponygirl · 29/03/2006 17:48

My brother has just rung to give me the details of his wedding plans. They have decided to have a very small wedding ceremony to be followed later in the year by two big parties for family and friends (both families are quite large and quite spread out). To the wedding they are only inviting parents and siblings. No children apart from their own (understood) but no husbands of siblings. Is this really rude?

My dh and I have been married for 9 years, my db and SIL (to be) came to our wedding and yet my dh is being excluded from theirs (as are my SIL's sisters' husbands). Dh is offended and upset and I feel the same on his behalf. I know that dh would rather I didn't go, but this is my brother and he's the only full sibling I have.

Am I over-reacting?

OP posts:
Pruni · 29/03/2006 20:07

The thing is, when you get married, you are partly marrying the family too.
(Bear with me)
That is, if the family works like that, you are welcomed into it and treated as part of it. (In my case, like DH's family)
If it works otherwise, maybe you are never part of it, maybe you don't want to be, or maybe there are other issues, like in my case, where even I don't feel like part of my own family.

So the implication is that your dh isn't part of it, for some reason. I would find that really difficult, if I'd thought that things were ok all along. However there might be something different entirely going on, there usually is...

Rhubarb · 29/03/2006 20:11

It's probably a cost thing. If your brother is your only full sibling, I would go anyway tbh and I would expect my dh to be understanding. Yes he would be offended and it could be rude (unless it is genuinely about cost) but he isn't the only one being excluded, so it's not personal. I would support your brother on his big day, I'm sure lots of other people will be kicking up a fuss about this one. Time for your dh to be charitable, bury his pride, and give you his blessing to go alone.

mazzystar · 29/03/2006 20:22

I would speak to your brother to explain how torn you are and to get an understanding of how they came to that decision. More than anything because its very awkward to have your husband be p*ed off with your brother.

If I was being devil's advocate, however, I'd say it I think it strange that they expect you to value their marriage by witnessing it when they don't value yours as having brought DH into the family.

edam · 29/03/2006 20:33

This is very odd and can quite see that your dh is upset. Agree with everyone who said try to find out what his reasons are - if he is trying to exclude someone particularly irritating, I suppose that is sort of understandable (although still very rude to your dh and other innocent parties).

I know registrars tell you that you can only invite x people because that's all the room will hold, but I don't think they can legally close the room off because of the just cause and impediment bit.

morningpaper · 29/03/2006 20:36

good point mazzystar

v v weird, your poor DH!

LeahE · 29/03/2006 20:57

I didn't get to go to my brother's wedding because it was the smallest and cheapest wedding they could manage in the smallest and cheapest room at the register office and they were only allowed six adult guests -- so that was my parents, my SIL's parents, one of SIL's sisters and my sister (they invited the siblings who lived closest, so I, my other brother and SIL's other sister missed out). I wasn't offended (although I was sad to have missed it) because I knew why they were doing it that way.

I agree with the others who said to ask your brother what their reasoning is -- there may be an explanation that would leave your dh feeling less excluded and offended.

Original poster
ponygirl · 30/03/2006 00:03

Thank you all. I'm glad that the consensus here is that dh has had a raw deal and that we're right to be a bit upset.

I rang my mum this evening. My brother and I aren't that close and the way he told me was pretty defensive, and I know from experience how the conversation will go if I try to question him about it. And I don't want to upset him of his partner about their wedding. Mum said that it's really come down to a question of cost. They don't have much money, and apparently the original plan was to exclude siblings as well, but SIL-to-be's sister kicked up such an enormous stink that we were reinstated, with the compromise of no dh's.

None of this has mollified my dh any, or me come to that. I think I'd be less upset at not being invited at all. But since I have been invited, and he's my only brother (only full-sibling) I do want to go. Dh is generous enough to see me go with his blessing, but I wouldn't guarantee he'll go to the party later in the year. I'm just left feeling horribly in the middle and rather miserable about something I should feel really happy about!

OP posts:
julienetmum · 30/03/2006 14:31

I really can't understand how cost can come into it if there is to be no reception afterwards (but a party later in the year)

Anyone is legally entitled to attend any wedding and it will not cost your brother anything extra for your dh to turn up for the ceremony only.

Very confused on your behalf.

If my dh was exluded from something like that, I would not go.

Pruni · 30/03/2006 14:33

The explanation about your SIL's sister makes it all quite clear, though, doesn't it?
OK it's not ideal but if it isn't meant to be hurtful, why is your dh still offended?

Kathy1972 · 30/03/2006 14:38

Maybe it's a nerves/self-consciousness thing? Could it be that either your brother or his fiancee hates being the centre of attention and wants to keep it as small as possible for this reason?

Original poster
ponygirl · 30/03/2006 16:17

They are intending to have a sit-down dinner for the fortunate few afterwards, so that's where the cost thing comes in. personally, I'd rather give them A £100 to cover it, but there you go. I think they're causing a lot of offense for the sake of excluding 3 people (the BILs), I mean, how expensive can it be? I doubt we're talking about Le Gavroche...

OP posts:
eefs · 30/03/2006 16:21

same for my sisters wedding ceremony because of lack of room in the registry office as both families are quite large. In-laws, friends and relations were all invited to the reception afterwards.

It's their wedding, it's up to them imo. Just as it's up to you not to go if you don't want to.

Nome · 30/03/2006 17:06

Somewhat at a tangent, but the 'just cause and impediment' thing is a bit of a red herring. If you are not getting married in a CoE ceremony, then there are two declarations that you have to include, one declaring that you are free to marry and one declaring that you are marrying freely.

When you apply for a licence, anyone who wants to object can do it then, before the ceremnony in that 2? week period when your details are displayed at the reg. office. You don't have to ask for objections during your ceremony, so I'm not sure that a civil ceremony has to be open to all comers (unlike a CoE ceremony). (But am prepared to be wrong on this! Grin)

The other piece of arcane knowledge I have is that your ceremony has to be done and dusted by six pm.

desperateSCOUSEwife · 30/03/2006 17:10

Sorry but what is the extra cost of her dh standing in a room watching a wedding

julienetmum · 30/03/2006 22:49

copied and pasted from a local authority website

"Marriages must be solemnized in premises with open doors, which the Registrar general interprets to mean that the public must have unfettered access to witness the marriage and make objections prior to or during the ceremony."

Perhaps therefore a compromise would be to attend the ceremony only with your husband, but not go on to the meal afterwards. That way you get to see your only full sibling married but acknowledge your dh's feelings of having been left out by not attending the meal.

Original poster
ponygirl · 31/03/2006 11:26

Sorry, the extra cost would be for the dinner afterwards. My brother lives 200 miles away, so it's not as though dh could just drop in.

(But all that info about the rules of weddings has been fascinating! Smile)

OP posts:
Original poster
ponygirl · 31/03/2006 11:30

Sorry, julienetmum. That's a really good idea, but the distance prohibits it. Also, dh is going to ahve to have our 3 children since they're not invited either!

OP posts:
Hazellnut · 31/03/2006 11:32

find this very strange - especially as, your brother is bringing his wife to be into the family and will have the same 'status' in your family (and him in her family) as your dh so surely its a bit strange not to have siblings partners ?!

Not sure i've explained that very well but hopefully you see what I mean !

squeekysue · 31/03/2006 12:42

stop being such a bitch this wedding is thiers not yours

georginarf · 31/03/2006 12:42

trip trap trip trap

Pruni · 31/03/2006 14:44

What was that then? (The message deleted).

Rhubarb · 31/03/2006 14:47

funny how it posted almost an hour after the last message, this thread wouldn't have been in active convos then would it?

Pruni · 31/03/2006 14:49

But what was posted??
(Not that I'm being nosey, oh no...)

Rhubarb · 31/03/2006 14:52

Dunno, it posted summat like "get a life" in the other threads it trolled, nothing particularly insulting.

Blu · 31/03/2006 14:55

Oh, squeeky was a very obvious troll going round posting that people were bitches for whatever they were posting.

Ponygirl - this is obviously a really difficult situation, and it sounds as if your brother has tried to solve a genuine lack of cash, but (probably) inadvertendly made things worse.

If it IS genuine lack of cash, perhaps you could save a potentially family-busting situation by offering to pay for your meals? SAy it is your contribution to their happy day. And tactfully suggesting that all the family members - siblings and DH/DWs pay, too. If the important thing is to be there, witnessing his wedding, and welcoming a new SIL into the family, this might be a way to turn this into a more positive negotiation, and diffuse the current tension.

Unusual, certainly, but who cares about that?

Weddings put such a strain on people, and it sounds as if your Brother may have handled it clumsily rather than intentionally unpleasantly.