Autism...?

[Hawkmoon269]

It's very important that I start by saying that I'm not trying to upset anyone or cause any offence. Please don't read anything into my question that's not there!

But aibu to not understand why so many people on mn seem to have children who are autistic or on the autistic spectrum?

I have 2 (young) children. One is at a large state primary school. Neither have any friends or classmates who are autistic. None of our family friends are. None of my dc's friend's siblings are. We go to lots of groups (all inclusive things ) and no autistic children (or siblings that I know of). In my student days I nannied for a boy with aspergers. That's it - my sum total of people I know/ have met with children affected.

I've met lots of children with other sn, but it feels like on mn every other poster has a child on the autistic spectrum.

As I understand it, the definition isn't too clear with very high functioning autism (ie people "on the scale" but only just. That was my understanding from about 10 years ago - I'm sure research has moved on since then!

Anyway, not trying to be controversial - just genuinely curious. What do you think?

Parents like the OP would most likely see either:

The weird, geeky kid who knows everything about space/dinosaurs/trains/Egyptians but doesn't really like playing with the other kids

Or

The nasty little brat that bites and scratches when things don't go their way yet from all the special attention, you'd think they were teachers pet.

Ime. Which covers more people with asd than most, yet is still such a tiny fraction that I'm making some pretty drastic generalisations...

I mean things like his playmobil vikings needing to communicate in messages using the futhark was fine, and of course we had books he could learn it from. At 6.
We just thought he fitted in fine with the rest of us.

Yes I suppose I just felt as if the school were trying to find an excuse for why she is a bit different or quirky I guess to normalise her when I feel she should just be allowed to be different if that who she is. That being different or I guess eccentric isn't an illness in itself.

Ruby, that's where the blurry line is - when the "symptoms" (for want of a better word) of ASD cause a significant impact on a person's life then they can be diagnosed. You can find traits in everyone if you look hard enough, but if it's not stopping them from functioning in society, it's not a big deal.

I hate approaching large groups of people. I get very anxious if I'm late for anything. I have to use matching pegs on an item of clothing when i hang it on the line. I always put my left sock/shoe/trouser leg on first. This could be attributed to autism, but because i can find ways myself to work around or deal with it, it's largely unimportant.

Of course kids can just be quirky
Autism is only dx if you meet the check list and it's having a bad effect on their ability to cope with daily life.
Dd1 you wouldn't know had autism at school if everything went as normal but heaven forbid their be a supply teacher, a change in routine, her get anything wrong or asked to do something new. She self harms, pulls out her eye lashes, binge eats and cries loads.
Dd2 is more outward obvious and hand flaps, spins, looses all speech when stressed, throws chairs, hates noises, and lines things up.
Think they are slightly more than quirky

Ok yes I suppose, so its more about quality of life.

If there was overall greater tolerance for difference, less gawping and sniggering and paranoia and suspicion then the number of dx's would probably decrease.
But until humans as a species get a radical rewire, then our children will need the protection and rights that a dx gives them.
One of the things that infuriates me is that my son's secondary were amazing with him, reasonable accommodation, adaptation, inclusion and flexibility from the TAs to the head. In a MS secondary of 1500 pupils.
So why isn't every secondary school as good? Why is it just the luck of the draw?

Sorry, I'm baffled as well as annoyed by this thread. OP has noticed a lot of MNers seem to have children with autism and wonders why. Hardly anyone has come up with a sensible answer and many have responded with abuse. What IS going on?!

Well I'm pretty sure if you ask a stupid question.....

My kids got their dxs off cereal packets. All three of them nods
And no they don't need all the help they get at school, I just like wasting money.

Oh and it's a good thing, let's face it.
If we're posting here we're not out and about polluting 'naice' places with our weird kids.

Or ruining school play

OK CatholicDad.
There are specialist boards out there for ASDs, but very few general parenting sites where you can jump from the spectrum to feminism to wondering why 50 shades is popular.
Parents of children with SN group together, partly because you don't have to explain the same things over and over again and partly because we share expertise and support. And we saunter out of our sn board into the bigger pool, taking our families with us.
I don't know many women in RL in as many abusive and nasty relationships as appear to be on MN either.

it seems that lots of MNers have DC with ASD because they come to the SN boards for support

I have noticed this too, but have assumed that MN provides a useful and nonjudgmental source of support and succour for parents who not only have to parent children with complex needs, but have to deal with less than sympathetic attitudes from all sorts of people...but it seems to me to really depend on which threads you are reading.

Speak for yourself. I think my answers were perfectly reasonable.

Abuse? What, like swearing and name-calling? Where?

And I see lots of posts containing rational theories based on the person's own experience. Which is basically what the doctors do, but they have years of studying and research backing them up...

Where was the abuse?

'unchartered sorry - I meant that people refer to their dc being asd while posting about unrelated stuff. Of course if people use the sn boards they'll use all the other bits of mn they like too.'

If you have a child with an ASD, it is related to a surprising number of other areas of your life and that of your family. You may not think of it as being relevant, that is your perspective. The person posting feels differently.

' worra that's true. But I know my child's classmates pretty well. If they had asd surely I'd notice something different about them? I have had most of the class to play at playdates, in the park with other parents, have helped in school regularly. And I haven't noticed anything.'

That's why it's known as a hidden disability. Often hard to spot.

I have a chikd with ASD and still was very surprised that my ASD Ds' godparents had their own chikd Dx with ASD too.

I never woukd have guessed it. Not ever. But now I know it's blimmin obvious.

OP? OP?
Hawkmoon, are you still there? Have any of your questions been answered?

I'm here. Many people have written really helpful posts. Others have expressed their own questions. That's great.

Others have said things like:
OP - YOU YOU are the reason you don't see people with ASD kids at playgroups. Because, it hard enough without that who look of disdain.

Seriously - I actually find some of your posts really upsetting. I try very hard not to judge when I see children having meltdowns/tantrums/shouting etc. Partly because I'm aware they might have sn. But mainly because all children display these behaviours sometimes. ALL children.

So many assumptions about me from my op. I hope not as quick to judge you as you are to judge me.

I have personal experience of sn. One nephew had downs syndrome and died very young because of problems with his heart. My other nephew has sn and his behaviour is "challenging." I am well aware that people comment and stare when faced with a child with sn. In my nephew's case my sister rarely gets comments because he has a physical disability so it's obvious that there's "something wrong."

Good grief. Now I've disclosed this will people be a little bit less angry with me for asking a question?! When I'm out with my nephew I MUCH prefer people to ask what is wrong with him than to stare or be afraid. I rarely find people's questions offensive. People are ignorant much of the time but it's hardly their fault that they don't have a child with sn too. I rarely get anything other than kind (or kindly meant) comments. My sister feels the same.

Again, thank you to those who've shared their own experiences in an honest and friendly way.

Should read, my nephew rarely gets UNKIND comments. He certainly gets comments!

You try very hard not to judge?????? that is so very good of you.

You really don't have the first clue what you are talking about. I don't doubt you are not meaning to judge, but you are, and by your complete and utter cluelessness you have no idea just how judgemental you are being.

You don't have the first CLUE how hard it is to have a child with SN. My DS has HFA (in your terms, that's just a teeny tiny bit not normal). He had a meltdown at his (much loved) gym class because it was show week (last week of term). What got me? Was it the moment I realised that DS couldn't cope with what all the other kids could? Was it the moment another tutted at me because my son was spoiling 'her son's' show? Was it the moment I got him out of there, with several other mothers' looking at me pitingly? Was it the moment, when we left (early) and DS had no clue why I was upset? (For my DS, once he's out of the siuation, he will be perfectly fine again) Was it knowing that, for the next 6 weeks, I will barely see another adult because I don't wish to put my DS in positions he can't cope with, and the summer holidays are too 'manic' for him, so we will relax (alone) in the garden? Is it that I am shit scared of sending him to school in September?

So, in all of that, can you try and work out that more mums with SN kids rely on online supprt??????????? Go on, just try.

Oh, and you are being utterly unreasonable.

And, as for the 'I'd prefer people ask what's wrong with him'

Seriously, I am just sitting here, completely unsure about where to start with what is wrong with that statement.

Perhaps you feel our children should wear t-shirts explaining their condition? Perhaps they could have a little bell, so others can steer clear?