Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Other subjects
Original poster

I am so mad, I can barely type!

95 replies

rickman · 26/01/2006 10:22

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
Caligula · 26/01/2006 10:56

You can't let him stop seeing the kids Rickman, because the courts take that far more seriously than men not paying maintenance. For some reason, that's considered evil, while not paying maintenance is perfectly OK. And also, although it's a long haul, they will understand what it means when they're older, while if you deny them contact, you're punishing them as much as him, because they need to find out for themselves what an arse he is.

I would ensure that you send them to him with no decent clothes or shoes, so that he has to buy them some. He will then of course, complain to all and sundry that you spend all your money on yourself and not a penny on them, and will take to keeping Daddy-time clothes at his place. Ho hum, it's great having a wanker for an ex, isn't it?

Original poster
rickman · 26/01/2006 11:24

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
ggglimpopo · 26/01/2006 11:29

Message withdrawn

tiredemma · 26/01/2006 12:32

really rickman trust me, - i done ever think that your kids will hate you for splitting the family up, they will however see you breaking your back to give them a decent upbringing, and eventually see him for the selfish twat that he actually is.

nightowl · 26/01/2006 12:50

bloody csa. my ex went self employed too. not that i have any idea if it makes a difference. right from day one he has lied to them. he didnt live at that address, his gf made a claim for maintenance (fraudulently of course, to lower any payment i might receive). the bailiffs were sent around there eventually but no, he doesnt live there. my friend had experience of this with her ex. his own company, several cars, large house but of course, a very small calculation. i dont know what you can do about it...my friend hasnt received a penny since .

the csa are useless, dont expect any reasonable help from them because they will happily stick it on the bottom of the pile. grrrrrrrrr. two years on and im still waiting for the thousands he owes me. angry for you.

Caligula · 26/01/2006 13:07

I'd have no hesitation in telling all his friends and family that this is what he's done.

Let him justify to his parents why he is keeping their grandchildren in poverty.

Caligula · 26/01/2006 13:08

Mind you, he will of course, tell them you are lying and claim that the fact that he takes them to McDonalds once a month is the same as giving them money to live on.

Fuschia2 · 26/01/2006 13:58

Hi Rickman I have been lurking for months and this is my first message but I just really wanted to say that the kids will remember when they grow up, even if it's hard for them to understand now.

My Dad left when I was 13, my brother was 8 and sister was 6 and our Mum did such a good job of coping. She never said anything bad about him even though he ran off with his secretary (nice!)and fought the CSA at every turn. Looking back we know which parent will always be there for us - and which one can never be relied upon. I'm sure your kids will feel the same, but it must be hard now

QE2 · 26/01/2006 14:06

rickman, at the time my ex left my kids were 4, 2 and 6 months old. I just got on with it, money was tight but we scraped through and I am glad now that I didn't bad-mouth their father to them. If they asked difficult questions I just said I didn't know and sat on the fence a lot of the time.

The kids are now 14, 12 and almost 10 and they have not seen him for about 8 years. They realise now what an unreliable man he was and he has no place in their lives whatsoever. My eldest remembers him and doesn't have a good word to say about him now - the younger of the three barely remember him but have no time for someone that shows no interest in them.

Slightly different I know, from your situation as your ex still sees their dad. What I am trying to get across is what a lot of other posters have said here - that they come to realise as they get older what a waste of space he is.

Aloha · 26/01/2006 14:11

Rickman, I'm so sorry. What an arse he is. How cruel and what a terrible father.

Original poster
rickman · 26/01/2006 19:34

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 26/01/2006 19:39

Are these accounts he submitted to the CSA or accounts he submitted to the Inland Revenue?

pebblemum · 26/01/2006 19:40

I know how annoying this is. It took CSA almost 5 years to find my ds1's dad by which time he was working in an accountants and earning good oney. I had a letter from csa saying he had to pay £68 per week which inc the money he owed for the past 5 years, a month later I had a letter saying they had reveiwed his case and now he had to pay £5. When i contacted them to find out why I discovered he had deliberatley taken a lower paid job, even the man I spoke to said it was obvious he had done it to get out of paying as he had gone from a high paying job to one paying the minimum wage but there was nothing they could do. What makes it worse, while CSA were messing about trying to find him my ex was living the high life going on holidays, living in oz for a year etc, and I knew his parents could tell csa where he was but they didnt have the legal right to ask them.

To be honest I dont really want my ex's money anyway as he gave up all rights to his son 7yrs ago just to keep his new gf happy but it does annoy me that for years I was struggling to feed and clothe my son while his dad was living it up.

Original poster
rickman · 26/01/2006 19:42

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 26/01/2006 19:43

rickman, I think if the amount he pays you is based on what he earns and he is deliberately earning less so that he pays you less (i.e. he is ACTUALLY earning less not pretending to earn less), I cannot see what you can do (other than sticking pins in his voodoo doll).

If you believe he is still earning a reasonable amount but declaring far less, then there are other avenues you can take (like inland revenue, VAT returns if he has a business etc.).

foxinsocks · 26/01/2006 19:44

I also can't see how the CSA can manage to chop and change so much. If it was £300 then they decided it should have been £500, surely he owes you some back pay (and not the other way round).

Freckle · 26/01/2006 19:46

To be honest, if you don't think the children will suffer for it, I'd be tempted to stop all contact. I know that contact and maintenance are not connected, but it does p*ss me off that some dads can claim one but deny the other.

Can you block his telephone number and just ignore him? If he does manage to contact you, just say that as he seems to hold his children is such low esteem by lying about his income in order to deny them maintenance, you assumed he wasn't interested in seeing them. If he takes you to court, you can present all this evidence as to how much he "loves" his children. He may not want to have to explain this in public.

Original poster
rickman · 26/01/2006 19:49

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 26/01/2006 19:50

It is a dreadful situation. Our neighbour's friend did this - he deliberately quit his job so that he didn't have to pay his ex any reasonable amount of maintenance. He felt she didn't deserve any as she was the one who cheated on him in the marriage (never mind the effect on the kids). It is utterly reprehensible and I only wish there was something that could be done to stop men doing this.

If he is still earning Rickman, the truth will come out at some point.

Original poster
rickman · 26/01/2006 19:51

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 26/01/2006 19:53

does he have an accountant Rickman?

foxinsocks · 26/01/2006 19:55

I also think the taxman will find it very suspicious that he has had such a suddern downturn in business. Have you mentioned your suspicions to the CSA?

Original poster
rickman · 26/01/2006 19:56

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
soapbox · 26/01/2006 19:56

Rickman - I've just seen this!

What a horrible piece of work he is, but you knew that already didn't you! Just showing his real colours now!

I think if these accounts have been submitted to the CSA you will need to find some way of challenging them. Is he self employed as a sole trader or does he have a company? If it is the latter I can get a set of accounts from company's house and have a look at them for you! If the former - there isn't really any way to get them!

You really need to get a solicitor on the case as the judge can ask for complete financial disclosure as part of the settlement. This settlement goes beyond the CSA and looks at teh split of all matrimonial assets and the provision of maintenance for hte children and you! Freckle will know more about this than me.

The financial disclosure to the Courts will give details of all assets owned by him and you. So teh cars, house, bank accounts etc are all caught. The judges are pretty good at looking beyond the self-employed accounts to get some idea of actual income (by asking for business bank accounts) and if the cash flow shows a different answer from the accounts themselves then they have to explain why. A pretty dim view is taken of non-disclosure. As party to all this you can instruct your solicitor to ask why things you know exist haven't been disclosed so at the end of the process the position tends to be more complete!

I know you didn;t want to go to court for a financial settlement, but to be honest I now don't think you have much choice! I think you stand to get a fairly good settlement going down this route, particularly because he retained the matrimonial home. It is tempting to say sod it and walk away, but the financial security of your family depends on you fighting this one out!

So be brave girl - get Freckle's advice - get angry and get moving

Freckle · 26/01/2006 19:57

Have you thought about contacting good old Ann (Widdecombe)? Contact the local papers about how pathetic the CSA is that it can let a father do this? Make as big a stink as possible.