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Original poster

Yet another ..................would you be offended.....

57 replies

Pfer · 07/01/2006 06:33

DS1 was the grand old age of 4 yesterday and for the third year my bro and SIL have forgotten.

I wouldn't be so bothered if I'd ever fogotten their daughters b.day for the last 9 years but I haven't, also SIL moaned to me once that her Sister was late with niece's b.day present, so I know if I ever forgot she'd be moaning about me.

So I'm expecting a crappy card with a tenner in it on Sunday night after my mum's been to see them and told them about the fab Darth Vader cake I made, then they'll remember. Happens every year.

Just quite sad that my own brother and SIL who've been together for 17 years forget my kids birthday and I never forget theirs. Just feels a little like they don't care. It's not like SIL has a busy life and doesn't have time to even get a card (hell I'm not bothered about a present, just for them to have remembered) she works part time..... FOR ME!

Sorry, am just a little upset.

OP posts:
MrsWednesday · 07/01/2006 07:28

I'm not surprised you are upset, I would be too. Would you be able to enlist the help of your mum next year, get her to remind them before the time so they haven't got any excuse?

My DH is useless at remembering birthdays on his side of the family so we constantly kept missing all our nieces' birthdays until I took charge of the situation and wrote them all down. Could this be happening with your brother and his wife perhaps?

chjlly · 07/01/2006 08:01

My dh's Mum is the only one on his side to send cards to our kids!

ssd · 07/01/2006 08:36

my brother never sends my ds's birthday cards and I always send his 2 cards, oldest is 15.

does piss you off, now ds is 7 he realises his uncle never bothers and comments on it in surprise and wonders why.

HappyMumof2 · 07/01/2006 08:37

Message withdrawn

lyra41 · 07/01/2006 08:38

I would try not to get hung up on it if you possibly can. at least they will send a card and money late, so that does show they care. they don't just ignore it altogether. i think it's really common for birthdays around xmas to be forgotten for a few days, i know i forget my sil's on Jan 5th some years, and it's NOT because i don't care, it's just that i often lose track of days and dates at this time of year.

bubbles2904 · 07/01/2006 08:52

my sister often doesn't send a card and it really bugs me. i was a day late with her ds's present 1 year as i was skint so had ordered from a catalogue. i took his card on the day and explained what had happened and she went mad. she's at least 3 weeks late with dd1 usually. my 2 dds are still waiting for their xmas present and they've seen her 6 times since xmas, xmas day included. how can anyone forget xmas?

HappyMumof2 · 07/01/2006 09:01

Message withdrawn

ScummyMummy · 07/01/2006 09:04

Are you close to your brother? If so, maybe you could make sure you talk to him a couple of days beforehand and mention how much ds1 is looking forward to his birthday so that he has every chance to remember? If you're not close I don't see that it matters so much and if he's the forgetful type then there's not too much you can do. Also I think it's unfair to blame your sister in law, personally. I expect my partner to sort out his family's cards and presents and remember when they're needed. They're his family, after all. I suppose it's a bit different if your sil works for you, though. Why not remind her outright next year?

roisin · 07/01/2006 10:01

But some people just aren't very organised about this sort of thing, and for some people it just isn't important to them.

For years and years my brother rarely remembered birthdays at all. He was always very generous at Christmas, but often birthdays were completely forgotten.

A couple of years ago he got married, and now on birthdays we get all get a card and present on time and a phone call on the day. It's nice, obviously, but I can't say it has altered my relationship with them. They are both lovely, lovely people and whether or not they choose to or remember to celebrate birthdays really doesn't come into it for me.

Also, when the boys have their birthdays usually at least one person I would be 'expecting' something from doesn't remember on time. I do notice, but it honestly doesn't bother me at all. And the boys don't notice at all - they are 6 and 8 btw. Obviously they would notice if I pointed it out, but I don't. Sometimes a present arrives 2 or 3 months late, and we have all completely forgotten that there wasn't one in the first place.

I would urge you not to harbour grudges and not to let things like this get in the ways of a good relationship with your relatives. There really are far more important things to worry about.

geekgrrl · 07/01/2006 10:07

yes, don't harbour grudges - my children's aunts and uncles often forget their birthdays, and we do the same with their kids - not on purpose or because we don't love them, but people have busy lives and remembering the birthday of someone who doesn't live in your house isn't always easy. Presents are often late and get delivered via the grandparents - it's how it is and no one minds - least of all the children, what a bonus to suddenly get a present a while after the main event.

MrsPreston · 07/01/2006 10:10

it really is a male trait, they don't have the capacity to remember things like that, DH and his two brothers are prime examples. They can quote me the footy fixtures list for their team for the coming year, but DH can barely remember when my birthday is, let alone neices and nephews.

Original poster
Pfer · 07/01/2006 13:29

I won't hold a grudge, I never have before, just a little upset that it's happened yet again, don't know why I expected any different.

The thing is SIL buys all the cards and prezzies etc for them (as I do in our house regardless of who's side of the family they are on) as bro. works exceptionally long hours with just one Sunday off in every 4, and SIL works part-time for me, so she does see what goes on around here and unless she is blind would have seen the birthday preparations being made - me wrapping gifts etc. Also they forgot DS2's 1st birthday until a week after the event when SIL was buying a gift for her sisters LO that is a week and a half younger. So can remember their's but not ours - and they see far less of them than they do us.

I would never forget my neices b.day as she's a very important person in my family and I'm not even bothered when she doesn't talk to me and doesn't say thank you for gifts etc, yet they don't seem to care at all about my ds's - not even enough to make a phone call or get a card from the petrol station. I don't care about a gift, I'd just like to know they think of us even a spec as much as we do of them. That's not too much to ask is it?

OP posts:
Twiglett · 07/01/2006 13:34

No I wouldn't be offended at all ...

Did you invite them to a party .. did you call them in advance and say its DS's birthday next week or ask MIL or DH to do it?

.. am I the only one who doesn't think its the SIL's responsibilty but the brother's....

colditz · 07/01/2006 13:35

I would be quite shocked if I thought I was being held responsible for my MIL not getting a birthday present. She isn't my mother.

Auntymandy · 07/01/2006 13:37

you should have been louder with the hints!!!

Original poster
Pfer · 07/01/2006 13:48

I'm not blaming SIL on her own you know! But she has the time, he doesn't. And she is generally reminded by my mum a week or so before birthdays and forgets anyway.

I am expected to remember my neices bday without a reminder whereas she get's stroppy if anyone is ever late with gifts for her kid, she has even slagged off gifts in front of the people who bought them.

Just seems a bit like it's ok for them to forget but it's not for anyone else.

If I said anything about it - or anything else that she considered out of line - have a guess at what she's do.....go on have a wild guess......no? She's stop my mum seeing her granddaughter. She's done it with her own mother!! And my bro. is too weak in that respect to stand up to her.

Why do I even bother? Think I might sack her. Not just because of this, but the only reason I took her on was they were short of cash, the work she does it usually late getting back to me, she thinks she's right even when she's wrong! Sorry, this is turning into I hate SIL rant. Sorry

OP posts:
Miaou · 07/01/2006 14:22

Given that your SIL complained when someone was late with a present to her daughter, I think it's unreasonable of her to forget your ds's. If it's that important to her she shouldn't be applying double standards when it comes to you.

HOWEVER - in general I don't worry about forgotten birthdays at all (because I would be a hypocrite if I did!) - and the dds don't mind in the slightest. Hardly anyone remembers my birthday apart from my mum and dad and my close family - in fact I got a birthday card from one of my brothers last year and I nearly fell over! - but I can't honestly say that I mind.

Original poster
Pfer · 07/01/2006 14:25

TBH the thing that bothers me is the double standards thing.

I couldn't care less if they forget my b.day.

OP posts:
edam · 07/01/2006 14:29

Sacking her is a bit extreme. Could you face an industrial tribunal? Even if you won, think of all the time, hassle and money it would take. You can't sack someone because they forgot a birthday and you can't sack someone without going through proper disciplinary procedures first. Unless you've got them on gross misconduct, which you haven't. I know you are pissed off, and probably just sounding off, but it would be a very bad, and dangerous, idea.

Pinotmum · 07/01/2006 14:39

Why do you care if she slags you off for being late with her dd's card? Next time send it when you get round to it. My dh's family often get my childrens b'days confused or forget them and then send something late. I now just get the cards at my own convenience for their childrens b'days as dh never remembers. I work and go to college so it suits me just to pick up a card and post it when I'm in town instead of making a special trip so no-one offended. My MIL always calls to tell dh we forgot but then it is his family and I don't see it as my job to keep on top of it all.

Original poster
Pfer · 07/01/2006 14:40

edam, i'm an accountant, deal with employment issues an awful lot. She is self employed and supposed to be dealing with her own tax etc yet seems unable to provide any invoices si i send her remittance advices when i pay her so no tribunal.
Anyway prob. won't. just letting off steam, but honestly, i've had to re-do quite a bit of her work so far, spoken to her, yet she's insistent she knows the software. i've given her quite a few chances so far & as she's slowly improving am inclined to keep her on in the hope that she'll be ok in time and i can leave her to it.

OP posts:
Twiglett · 07/01/2006 14:44

personally I never send birthday stuff .. I am famous for it

I send unbirthday presents though .. makes it a bit more special tbh .. and the kids seem to prefer it

Earlybird · 07/01/2006 14:52

Rather than waiting for them to let you/your ds down, I'd call the week before and say something like "just calling to remind you that it's ds' birthday next week. I know it's easy to forget in the aftermath of Christmas/New Year". Then I'd leave it.

In the past I too have been disappointed when someone repeatedly lets me down. I got upset, but somehow it became symbolic in my mind of how thoughtless they were - and I seized on that failure as evidence as I built my "case" against them. Now, I simply put my emotional energy elsewhere rather than anticipating disappointment and then getting upset when it inevitably arrives. I find it's better to be pro-active (making the reminder phone call) than to be mad/resentful/hurt. Could that work for you too?

bettythebuilder · 07/01/2006 15:43

Buy your SIL a birthday book for her next birthday or for christmas, and make sure you've already written DS's birthday in on the appropriate day.

edam · 07/01/2006 16:07

Sacking her is a bit extreme. Could you face an industrial tribunal? Even if you won, think of all the time, hassle and money it would take. You can't sack someone because they forgot a birthday and you can't sack someone without going through proper disciplinary procedures first. Unless you've got them on gross misconduct, which you haven't. I know you are pissed off, and probably just sounding off, but it would be a very bad, and dangerous, idea.