Bullying in reception class & DS birthday coming up - HELP!

[zippyb]

I am a mummy on the edge - wish I could see a lighter side to this but can't at moment. DS has started reception class & within a period of two weeks came home with three large bumps on his head - after the second time approached teacher to make sure that they were just 'accidents'. When picking him up a week last tuesday saw to my horror that just as one of these bumps was begining to go down he had another large bump right on top of the largest of the two 'old' bumps. His teacher 'hadn't noticed' and because ds didn't cry no one picked up on it. Spoke to teacher although very upset & dragged ds off to doctors just to check he was ok. He was physcially but kept him off the rest of the week as the bumps were really swollen. Spoke to Deputy headmistress & stressed how concerned I was
and that if he had gone into school from home with three nasty bumps to the head I am sure that the school would have been asking questions.
Well ds ended up staying off last week as he had a bad tummy bug - one name kept coming up al week and I informed the school - think other children are having a bit of a problem with this child too so think there have been a few complaints about said child. I am hoping that all is now sorted but my DH rang school just to ask for a copy of their anti-bullying school policy which they were a bit taken aback by. Have received a letter this morning saying that they will not send a copy out but we can call into school to 'view' it. We really don't want to cause trouble but we just want to make sure our ds is safe & happy at school. Any advice on this would be very welcome. I am hoping ds is going back to school on Monday & is taking his party invites in - to all the class but is quite clear he doesn't want this child to come. Although ds won't say actually what this child did to him he is clearly afraid of him & I have left his invitation out -
hope this is the right thing to do but i don't want this child spoiling my ds 1st 'big party'. Advice - stressed out mum (being pregnant not helping either - hormones everywhere!)

Agree-make sure the incidents have been noted. Perhaps the child in question is having "problems" that the school are aware of but don't think it necessary to inform other parents (yet). If other children are having problems with this child, perhaps everyone is a bit scared to say anything, as sometimes happens, because it's only Reception and no-one wants to make a fuss in the first few weeks. Was the child in the Nursery Dept. before, if the school has one. It is right to make a fuss-you don't want your son not wanting to go to school, after all, he's got another 12 years there! Hope it works out for you and that he enjoys his party. LOL

Thanks ks - mother is a bit of a nightmare - unfortunately she & children get on the same bus as us on way to school So am a bit uncomfortable with that too. DH & I will go into school together & have told ds that it is being sorted out & he must tell us if anything else happens (DH & grampa have also told him if child pushes or hits him again to push back & say in loud firm voice 'leave me alone'. DH was very annoyed by letter from school this morning but we will pursue it & get to the bottom of it - will keep trying to keep a cool head but not easy.

Didn't mean for winking face to appear - never done that before! Not intended.

zippy, inviting the whole class except one child is going to be awkward. I know you don't know yet who DS's best friends are, so it's easier to invite all, but if I were you I would talk this through with the class teacher first - apart from anything else it will make her aware of just how concerned you are - maybe there a few others you could leave out so it won't make him stand out?

Our school doesn't dish out copies of policies either - they are available at any time but you have to go in and see them. As ks suggests, if you make an appt to see the policy you could discuss the whole situation including the party at the same time? And make your point about how they would react if he went in with big bumps on his head from home.

Good luck anyway!

I would be a little bit careful about leaving one child out when you don't know exactly what has happened. Could you not have a chat with the teacher?

I don't know I feel awkward about this as ds1 is often left out of birthday parties (for different reasons) and I do think its a real shame for him. He's only been invited to one party through nursery where the mum wasn't my friend- and he still remembers that (says party when he finds something from the party bag). he's never been the only child left out but I would be gutted if he was- and he wouldn't even know it.

I would tend to agree with janh, if you don't want to invite him then could you not leave out a few others as well. Reception friendships often change a lot, he could be best mates with this boy in a few years time.

zippyb- I agree with janh and jimjams about leaving just this one child out. Sounds like a bad idea. Surely the kid will be devastated and even if you don't care about that it could really backfire on ds in terms of the child having a good reason to pick on him. Might be kind of awkward for you too if you regularly catch the bus with this family, I'd have thought. I think you should either invite him and enlist help to supervise him or pull out at least a quarter of the invitations and plead restricted numbers.

Hope the situation improves soon.

jimjams- I'm cross that your boy is being left out of party invites. Will you have a party for him next year, do you think?

I would love him to come to my boys' party in March '04 if I get round to organising one. He sounds like such a cutie from your posts. If you fancy commuting to London that week let me know and I'll try a gluten free birthday menu out.

Aww thanks scummy. That's sweet of you. He had a party this year- we did it at nursery so all the children who were in that day could go. He LOVED it - big bouncy castle and soft play and TWO cakes (one gluten free and one normal Thomas one for the other kids).

Most of the children are very accepting of him, in fact they seem to fight over him a bit so I can only assume its the parents who are too nervous to invite him (or maybe if something is costing a bit, he would be seen as a 'waste' of money iyswim). He really loved the last party he went to - soft play- in fact he just found the glasses from the party bag this afternoon and said "party" straight away- it was months ago as well- before his birthday which was in May.

I have just remembered that he was invited to a party in London in June as well, so maybe if we lived in London he would have a packed social calender

I'll wait to see what happens at school- he;s not in much atm so I wouldn't expect many invites yet.

I too think you would be creating more problems by not inviting this one boy to the party. It sets up hostility, and since your son is in teh same class and you see the parents regularly, you'll have to live with this. But as you feel this strongly about the child and don't like his family, you won't feel relaxed having them around, so don't struggle to include him. Just cut the numbers by a quarter as suggested already, so it's not obvious he is being singled out.

I have read your original message a couple of times but I am still unclear over something. Many apologies if I have got the wrong end of the stick (I was burning the candle at both ends last night - 3 hours sleep and I am exhausted!) Anyway, you quite rightly are concerned about the three bumps that appeared on your son's head. Did he tell you exactly how he got them? I know you said he kept mentioning this boy the following week when he was ill at home, but did he say the boy caused the bumps? My son aged 4 is pretty good at telling me how he get their injuries, who was involed, if it was an accident or deliberate, etc etc.

Oh jimjams I think that's awful. I hope now your son is in mainstream school some invites come his way.

TBH I think its just one of those things, it doesn't bother me as such I just think its a bit of a shame. I would be upset if he was the only child not invited though, but AFAIK this hasn't happened yet.

I do agree with tigermoth- it doesn't seem clear that this boy has caused the injuries. So he could be being excluded unfairly.

The other thing is please remember that although this boy may be rough, and heavy handed and not very nice to be around, he is only 4 which means he doesn't necessarily understand what he is doing, and certainly won't understand the consequences of his actions.

Thanks for all your messages - am more confused than ever though. DS has told me that this child spat on his cheek in the classroom the other week & I have been there when this boy has gone up to ds & started poking at him. My ds is very reluctant to talk much about his 'bumps' but keeps saying that this boy is very naughty & keeps asking me if it will all be alright when he goes back to school. This child has also (just during last couple of weeks) poked one of the girls in the eye with a pencil - walked out of the classroom without permission & written on the classroom white board with felt pens. I know he probably has a lot of 'home problems' but to be honest that is not my problem & my main concern is my own ds. Just wish that ds party was not so soon & I more time to judge it all.
Jimjams I can understand that you feel very upset about your own ds - my own ds was in nursery too without any invites - not a very sociable lot in our year! Am really stressing about this but know if I did grit my teeth & invite this boy ds would be devastated.

zippyb- I'm not saying invite the child, I'm just saying don't make him the only one not invited, as others have said leave out 1/4 of the class. I really feel quite strongly that however horrible he is (and it does sound as if you need to talk to the teacher as there certainly seem to be some problems there) he is only 4 years old, and if he realised that he was the only one left out it would be simply awful.

As scummy said it could really backfire as well.

Think you could be right jim jams - will talk to ds in morning & ask which ones he would like to come - just would have been nice to invite them all as he is one of the first to have a birthday & would have liked him to have the opportunity of being invited back to other parties. Think that is just me being a bit anxious for him to be happy & popular. Oh I do worry that I am being a bad mum & am so stressed out.

zippyb, if you are confused about the origin of the bumps, do speak to his teacher. I know it's easy to think the other boy did it, but you need to know and if your son can't tell you, you must find out more. Just because the boy seems to have problems adjusting to the school routine doesn't mean he hit your boy. I really think you need to see the school's anti bullying policy too, as you said earlier, and ask what happens in the playground. Were those bumps caused by playfighting or being pushed into play equipment for instance? rough and tumble play not controlled enough by adults?

I can see you're worried about your ds not getting invited back to other parties if you don't invite the children to his party. IME, birthday party guest lists are not strictly reciprocal and at least in the schools my sons have been to, few parents hold parteis for the whole class, anyway.

Lots of parties are IME for a few children only, or even for children of the same sex ie football or barbie parties. So there's no knowing who will invite your son.

If you feel some of the non-invited are really upset, you can invite them one by one to after school play dates later in the term to right the balance.

zippyb, this does sound stressful. I agree with tigermoth, can you find out more? If you are OK with inviting the whole class then I agree, don't just exclude this boy, invite all of them or take a load out. I did the same for ds's 5th as he'd only just started school and I have to say that in terms of return invitations it paid fantastic dividends - ds went to about 30 odd return invites so for the hours and hours off we had on Saturdays and the hours of fun he had it was well worth it...but hey, call me mercenary! Also, not all parents will reciprocate, maybe I was just dead lucky. I agree, you need to talk to the head and your son and find out where the bumps came from: 3 bumps on the head is not on and you need to know what happened. They should be taking your concerns very seriously IMO. Don't they have to report all accidents to parents and get you to sign an accident record for health and safety records? Anyway, ikwym about hormones too, they make everything seem sooo much worse don't they? Hang in there and let us know how you get on next week.

zippyb, can I just ask if you are having ds's party at home or out? If out, you could invite the whole class without the "other boy" being too much trouble (and presumably some parents will stay to help with ones so young). I have always found the children easier to deal with if the party is at an outside venue. If the party is at home, agree have less children but do not single the boy out. It is neccesary to talk to school if ds is unhappy/injured, etc but it is vital to keep very calm.

Thanks all for your messages - just a quick update. We have got a copy of the school's anti-bullying policy & are seeing the Headmistress tomorrow afternoon. DS has been ok until today - came home with nasty scratch marks on his neck - this happened in class - witnessed by teacher who had to pull the other boy off ds. Yes it is the same boy. Am really stressed out but have to say I am really proud of ds as he is being very brave & so far not saying he doesn't want to go to school & even asked what he should do if he sees this boy hitting another child. He knows to go to the teacher & we have told him to push him away if he starts on him & say in a loud voice 'KEEP AWAY FROM ME!' Anyway we will see what happens tomorrow but think the school must do something now - my son is not going to be a punch bag for anyone. On monday did give invites to teacher who carefully gave them out but no I did not invite this child - felt really guilty but felt it was the right thing for me to do - part of me does feel very sorry for this boy who must be quite troubled but I have to put my own ds first - spoke to teacher about it too before handing them over & he was very supportive & said it was ds birthday & it had to be up to him who he wanted there. Don't think today's incident has anything to do with this as not all invites have gone out yet so not a question of him lashing out at ds for being left out. Oh help I should be enjoying preparations for his birthday & relaxing before no 2 arrives but I guess life just isn't like that!

zippyb, thanks for the update, do let us know what they say. They absolutely have to come up with a decent proposal for dealing with this, it's completely unacceptable. Well done to your ds for being brave.

yes, thanks for the update. I am glad you are seeing the head teacher about the problem. Having read what you've told your son to do if this boy is troubling him, I wonder would your son tell the teacher as well? - ideally before things escalate too much. At least then he's got the teacher's attention.

As the children are new to the school and (I assume)in reception class, perhaps the teachers have been trying to give them all time to settle in - including this boy - hence the lack of action to date. It sounds like he might need more support.

yes, thanks for the update. I am glad you are seeing the head teacher about the problem. Having read what you've told your son to do if this boy is troubling him, I wonder would your son tell the teacher as well? - ideally before things escalate too much. At least then he's got the teacher's attention.

As the children are new to the school and (I assume)in reception class, perhaps the teachers have been trying to give them all time to settle in - including this boy - hence the lack of action to date. It sounds like he might need more support.

Also, this would be a brave thing to do, and don't know if I would do it myself, but I can't help thinking how I'd feel if my 4 year old son who had just started school was the only child not to be invited to a class party. It's likely at some point the child and parents will realise this.

Do you feel you could write the parents a nice note to explain why their son is not invited? ie someting like 'ds says he keeps getting hurt by and so doesn't want him at his party, you want his day to go smoothly becuse you've never held a birthday party for him before and are feeling a bit stressed about the whole thing, but you hope the two boys will get on better soon, as it's such early days for them both and perhaps he could come round to tea if they start to get on better in class? etc etc.

ohh no no no. Tigermoth normally I agree with you but not in this case. DS1 is often not invited to things as mentioned earlier- and I could envisage a situation where he would be the only one not invited to a party (maybe because the parents didn't feel they could handle him- not that I'd leave him by himself anyway, or becuase that particular child couldn't handle him- some can't) but anyway if someone then sent me a note I'd be really upset. I'd much rather find out he was the only one not invitd and then be able to go off and moan to a friend about it, rather than have to deal with a note.

The child may have problems, dxed or undxed- in which case the note will just be isolating. They may be a difficult child who despite best intentions the mother has been unable to deal with effectively- in which case a note will make her feel awful. Or the may have parents who don't care in which case the note will serve no purpose.

Think its much better to be sly and just hope the child doesn't find out.