Bullying in reception class & DS birthday coming up - HELP!

[zippyb]

I am a mummy on the edge - wish I could see a lighter side to this but can't at moment. DS has started reception class & within a period of two weeks came home with three large bumps on his head - after the second time approached teacher to make sure that they were just 'accidents'. When picking him up a week last tuesday saw to my horror that just as one of these bumps was begining to go down he had another large bump right on top of the largest of the two 'old' bumps. His teacher 'hadn't noticed' and because ds didn't cry no one picked up on it. Spoke to teacher although very upset & dragged ds off to doctors just to check he was ok. He was physcially but kept him off the rest of the week as the bumps were really swollen. Spoke to Deputy headmistress & stressed how concerned I was
and that if he had gone into school from home with three nasty bumps to the head I am sure that the school would have been asking questions.
Well ds ended up staying off last week as he had a bad tummy bug - one name kept coming up al week and I informed the school - think other children are having a bit of a problem with this child too so think there have been a few complaints about said child. I am hoping that all is now sorted but my DH rang school just to ask for a copy of their anti-bullying school policy which they were a bit taken aback by. Have received a letter this morning saying that they will not send a copy out but we can call into school to 'view' it. We really don't want to cause trouble but we just want to make sure our ds is safe & happy at school. Any advice on this would be very welcome. I am hoping ds is going back to school on Monday & is taking his party invites in - to all the class but is quite clear he doesn't want this child to come. Although ds won't say actually what this child did to him he is clearly afraid of him & I have left his invitation out -
hope this is the right thing to do but i don't want this child spoiling my ds 1st 'big party'. Advice - stressed out mum (being pregnant not helping either - hormones everywhere!)

Oh dinosaur- I know what you mean. If I tell ds1 to give ds2 a kiss, and ds2 runs away ds1 wil do anything to complete the request- including grabbing him by the hair to keep him still so he can kiss him.

I think when you live with it it becomes such second nature dealing with this that you kick yourself when you say something stupid. for example the other day I said to ds1 "lets unpack the shopping". He thought I'd said "lets go shopping" and then went ballistic as I wouldn't let him go shopping (I couldn't - I was waiting for the school to ring- otherwise I probably would have ended up traipsing to the shops just to avoid a metldown).

Since this discussion has moved on to children with special needs, I just wanted to make it clear that I don't assume that special needs children bully or that all bullies have special needs. Don't want anyone to think I mean special needs kids when I say bullies IYSWIM.

Jimjams, Angiel's message touched me, too.

Dinosaur, you messages make a powerful and heartfelt case for inclusion. I forgot to say that earlier. I am so glad things are working out at your son's new nursery.

I think dinosaur makes a good point. Becuase autistic children look "normal" a lot is expected of them For high functioning children this is particularly true- and their behaviour can look "bad", but unless you've dealt with it day in day out you can;t really know what its like.

My ds1 is not high functioning- and I think it is perfectly obvious within 10 seconds of meeting him that he has fairly major problems but people just don't seem to see it. So when he does something quite autistic (eg his latest is to watch swings intentl- he'll then grab them without warning- fine if no-one is in the swing, but not if they are- means I have to shadow him if there are other children in the park and leave ds2 (21 months to fend for himself) he immediately gets tutted at or stared at. It even happened in a special needs club I went to last week- they were setting up for the next group and pulled a curtain across ds1 loves curtains and was playing with it (not very much- just kind of looking at it) and these helpers grabbed it from him and gave him a really dirty look (and yes I did complain- they know its a SN club). None of this is bad behaviour on his part- he grabs swings- he's not aware whether or not there's another child in there- he's just aware of the swing, and as for curtains in the middle of a sports hall what's he meant to think? And yet you're continually made to feel as though your child is behaving appallingly. So for someone with a high functioning child it muct be worse, their problems are less apparent, but still real and their child is continually discriminated against.

tigermoth- don't worry- I knew what you meant.

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robinw I think you are missing the point here a bit. Your child didn't get the help she needed, dinosaurs child doesn't get the help he needs, my son doesn't get the help he needs. Generally there aren;t resources to meet children's needs. A lot of the time children with high functioning autism hit out and attack adults/other children precisely because thir needs are not being met- so it benefits no-one. Also many many teenager with HFA or AS do become suicidal - because they are ostracised and needs are not met. That is a really major problem.

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but dinosaur's child isn't a bully. He's autistic.

KS the school should have been able to bring in an ed psych- often even if parents are screaming for an ed psych they can't get it. I do think bullying is awful, and its something that almost every high functioning autistic kid has to deal with so its something that has been endured by quite a few of my friend's children as well (often they are being bullied as the resources- eg mealtime assistants have not been provided). Of course you have to remove your child if nothing is done and of course it is terribly wrong that nothing was done (either for your ds or robinw's dd) I just get touchy about autistic behaviour being described as bullying. For example I have once seen ds1 really hurt a little boy in a playhouse (this is rare as he does avoid other children and tends to walk away if approached)- however it wasn't bullying as he wasn't even aware the other child was there- he was too focussed on the door to know that a boys hand even existed. In the same way a high functioning autistic kid hitting out because they have been over stimulated, or haven't understood a situation isn't the same as bullying even if it means other children get lamped. The school and LEA have a duty to ensure that the child doesn't get that stressed in the first place. DS1 lost it at school on Tuesday because someone tried to make him use (in his eyes) the "wrong" sink. Luckily someone was there who understood what he was saying, and luckily (for me) when he does lose it he tends to hit himself- hard enough to draw blood- but I am pleased its his he draws and no-one elses. Now the school want to remove the person who does understand him leaving no way for him to communicate easily. His nursery have rasised concerns about this and I will raise concerns tomorrow- because I don't think they are ready for him (they would be if his LSA hadn't resigned). Now at the end of the day if they insist that they can cope alone and he knocks nine bells out of someone because he hasn't been understood - does that make him a bully? or one cofused little boy who hasn't been provided with the support he needs?

I'm sorry if I upset anyone, that wasn't my intention. I just wanted to show that things aren't always what they seem. When dd told me she had been spat at, I was furious. It wasn't until later that I was told her classmate was autistic, and then everything became clear.

If I hadn't been told about the autism, I doubt if I would have guessed. Although I now know that he has a dedicated classroom assistant that is going through the school with him.

When I said that dd came home with little stories about him, I didn't mean that she was laughing at him, just that she treats him the same as any other member of her class.

Thanks very much dinosaur for saying I was brilliant. Definitely not the case I'm afraid, I just didn't think it was fair to exclude one child from an event the whole class would be attending. Luckily on this occasion I got it right.

I was going to include one of the funny stories that dd has told me about her classmate, but I didn't know if it was appropriate. I am very conscious that you understand that no one was laughing at him, we were laughing with him.

No Angiel you didn't upset me at all- your message moved me- especially because you hadn't excluded the boy.

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robinw- the average age of diagnosis of Aspergers is around 9. Often these children go through hell before diagnosis. I know 2 little boys whom I suspect of having AS (one of whom is pretty aggressive). The mother of the aggressive boy has been desperately trying to get help for the last 6 months. She eventaully did get som advice from some pros- which is suitable advice for an AS child, but still no-one has mentioned the possibility of AS to her (although she has begun to suspect it herself). She hopes to send him to a primary school that is good with SN, but other than that she is pretty stuffed- she's tried to access the help and has been told she must be too soft on him (she isn't). To me he is showing many many signs of having an ASD - but the pros don't even seem to notice.

There was a tv programme last year called "children behaving badly" they showed an 11 year old child who had been in toruble for years- as soon as I saw the clip of him it was obvoius he was autistic. I was shouting at the tv "he's got AS for gods sake". He had seen paeds, ed psychs etc etc His desperate mother had taken him to a private psychologist who told her he had AS. Eventually with the diagnosis he was able to get the support he needed (which in his case was a special school), and he even made a friend.

Sometimes I thank my lucky stars that ds1 can't talk- because it means that the LEA has had to gove him help.

I know not every violent child has a developmental disorder, but I see the other side of the coin and hear story after story of of children with obvious problems not being picked up (or in one case a little boy of 10 eventually being diagnosed, his mother being told by the head "i don;t believe it" and promptly excluded.

Can I just add - autistic children are not naturally any more aggresive than other child- theyare just highly sensitive and easily overloaded which is when they hit out. In fact my little ASD boy is one of the most passive children I know (21 month old ds2 can beat him up)- but he can lose it majorly big time over something very small (such as having to wait).

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robinw I'm not trying to suggest that in zippyb's case the child has SN - I have no idea. And of course the children who are bullying are often picking on the odd kid, which is why children with hfa are bullied so often (seems imposible to avoid by secondary level).

I'm just trying to point out that the idea that children with autism get picked up at nursery is often incorrect- especially for higher functioning children. Even in cases where a child is known to be autistic the help may not be available, or other parents may not be aware of what this means. FWIW I think Angiel's reponse to her particular situation was briliant- and thats why her post made me want to cry. If only everyone could be that understanding.

If you think of a bullied child as having SN (which they do- ie the school has to get off its arse and do something about it), and how difficult it is to get help for that bullied child, then you will have some idea about how difficult it is to get the help for children with SEN. This was my earlier point. The resources aren't there for any child who needs extra help,be it because they are being bullied, or because the have a condition, or even if they have ropey parents.

Hello - just a little update on this very busy thread! DS had his party - throughly enjoyed - other boy was not invited & though did feel quite bad it was the best thing for my own child. Meeting with school was ok but not much was agreed on - they admitted they have alot of problems with this child & that they are in constant communication with his mother. It was very much a case of 'watch & see'. Both me & DH came out the meeting wondering if we were the bad parents & was our own ds a 'problem' - he isn't but teachers have a way of making you feel that however bad the problem is somehow we are making it worse - think they are just unsure how to deal with it and are trying not to make themselves look bad. Since then ds has (touch wood) been quite happy & although I think this boy has been in still quite a bit of trouble _ mum still getting called in most days when I pick up ds - he seems to be leaving ds alone - think ds has stood up to him & I really hope that is the end of it. What will happen in the long term I can't say but obviously if the class is disrupted constantly & other children are upset then they will have to take their heads out of the sand & do something. This whole incident has really made me realise that the school is not as 'good' as I thought & that you have to be very pushy to get them to do anything productive. Know I said this was a quick update but got carried away! Not sure if this all makes sense but typing as I'm thinking! Have read all your comments & have found them very interesting - thank you for all your help. Just glad his birthday is over for another year & hope next year I will feel more relaxed & ds will not have any problems with the school.