Bullying in reception class & DS birthday coming up - HELP!

[zippyb]

I am a mummy on the edge - wish I could see a lighter side to this but can't at moment. DS has started reception class & within a period of two weeks came home with three large bumps on his head - after the second time approached teacher to make sure that they were just 'accidents'. When picking him up a week last tuesday saw to my horror that just as one of these bumps was begining to go down he had another large bump right on top of the largest of the two 'old' bumps. His teacher 'hadn't noticed' and because ds didn't cry no one picked up on it. Spoke to teacher although very upset & dragged ds off to doctors just to check he was ok. He was physcially but kept him off the rest of the week as the bumps were really swollen. Spoke to Deputy headmistress & stressed how concerned I was
and that if he had gone into school from home with three nasty bumps to the head I am sure that the school would have been asking questions.
Well ds ended up staying off last week as he had a bad tummy bug - one name kept coming up al week and I informed the school - think other children are having a bit of a problem with this child too so think there have been a few complaints about said child. I am hoping that all is now sorted but my DH rang school just to ask for a copy of their anti-bullying school policy which they were a bit taken aback by. Have received a letter this morning saying that they will not send a copy out but we can call into school to 'view' it. We really don't want to cause trouble but we just want to make sure our ds is safe & happy at school. Any advice on this would be very welcome. I am hoping ds is going back to school on Monday & is taking his party invites in - to all the class but is quite clear he doesn't want this child to come. Although ds won't say actually what this child did to him he is clearly afraid of him & I have left his invitation out -
hope this is the right thing to do but i don't want this child spoiling my ds 1st 'big party'. Advice - stressed out mum (being pregnant not helping either - hormones everywhere!)

I know it's a big ask, and without knowing the child I can't say whether it it's a good idea or not. Just a suggestion.

I think it might be good idea for zippyb to have a word with the teacher first before sending a note if she decided to do this. I just think the mother ( assuming she cares about such things) could feel awful in either case and at least by sending a friendly note, expressing the hope that the children could meet for tea, you are opening lines of communication with the mother and not being totally hostile. If you do nothing and the mother finds out, she is going to think the worst, how could she not?

And if her son picks on the zippyb's boy, knowing he was the only one not to get an invite to the party could make things even worse. At least an explanation and hope for a future get together might help. I'm not saying a note will make everything right, but at least it could lessen hostility. Or failing that, give a factual reason - 'you hit my son' - for the lack of invite.

I have a friend and her son is best friends with my son and they play well together reguarly, but he rarely get invites to his birthday parties, although I invite him to my sons. It's a matter of logistics (she lives an hours drive away) and she likes to invite just his group of school friends, and my son goes to a different school. I would have been hurt if she had said nothing and also annoyed at her for being underhand, since they are such good friends, but the mother told me her reasons, they make practical sense and that's OK. Instead we arrange for the boys to meet up for an afternoon later.

Also the note can convey the feeling that the mother is not being blamed for her son's actions. It is just a simple matter that at the moment the 2 boys don't get on very well and the wish to avoid a bad scene. No note and the mother is (well I would) might feel harshly judged as well.

I completely see where you're coming from Tigermoth and in an ideal world this would be a good thing to do. However,I'd be worried that if a note was sent (however well written and well meaning) that the mother could show it around to other mothers and it could become a worse situation.

I sympathise with your situation, but I cannot help feeling really sorry for this little boy who isn't invited to the party. I think every class has got their own bully unfortunatly, but isn't it better to try to improve the relationship between the bully and you ds? Surely leaving him out will further damage it? I do feel sorry for your ds, but even more sorry for the little boy who will hear everyone talking about a party he wasn't invited to. I think it will make him even more naughty and not improve things at all. Afterall he is only 4 years old.....:0(

I see what you mean, cam. I think a lot depends a lot on the mother and the other parents at the school, and if other parents feel that that this boy generally causes upset.

Also much depends on the boy - how easily people feel he can change his behaviour. If he is special needs this is probably much more difficult. In that case a note expressiong hope that this is a temporary upset between the boys would not be right. I think you could still make some effort to write to speak to the mother, though - perhaps the boy is very exciteable in group situations, but is ok when fewer children are around. It might give his mother the opportunity to talk about this.

Anyway, changing tack, I did think of anther way you could approach this, FWIW. After the party is over, zippyb could just send a note to say, really sorry - we lost your son's invite, somehow it didn't get delivered to the school. This is not such an unusual thing to happen especially since all the children are new to the school. A bit of a barefaced lie, but saves face for zippy and the boy's mum and gives her something to tell the boy to help stop him feeling left out on purpose.

I wouldn't invite a child who kept attacking my child to his birthday party! And I wouldn't feel the need to explain either. I wouldn't necessarily think it was the parents or even the child's fault, but I wouldn't think it fair to my child to invite someone he didn't like, was afraid of and might hurt him. End of story as far as I'm concerned. I also think if my son was at that age regularly poking other children in the eye with pencils and having to be hauled off their necks after clawing at them then I wouldn't be too suprised if he didn't get invited to birthday parties either, frankly. As I say, I'm not attacking a four year old, who knows what awful issues he may have, but after all this is another little boy's birthday party and I do think he has a right to feel safe and happy at his own party.

I mean, surely this boy's parents must be aware of his behaviour?

I completely agree aloha; of course it's right to feel sorry for him being left out, but it's hardly fair to expect your child to be scared and worried at his own birthday party, is it? However, I certainly wouldn't leave only one child out, I would cut the numbers back.

I agree tamum, especiailly about cutting the numbers back, but since this is the only boy not invited, I think a note might lessen hostility and make it easier for zippy's boy in class.

Just wondering, if your child was attacking other children - poking them in the eye with pencils, leaving marks on their throats etc - would you honestly expect him to be invited to a stranger's birthday party? I wouldn't. I would totally understand and be utterly mortified and horrified if someone sending me a note explaining why my son is unacceptable at the party (when it is pretty obvious IMO!). I'm not at all saying the thought isn't a kind one, just that in this case the reasons for not inviting him seem to crystal clear that I can't see the parents could possibly object that their son was being 'picked on'. After all zippyb would obviously exclude any other child who was terrifying her son - it's not personal.

ha ha ha tigermoth- that made me laugh. Just been on an assertiveness trainig course this morning (like I need that - it was at the autism unit and I got to put both boys in a free playscheme- hence my attendance)- and I became very aware how often I lie in this sort of situation. My excuse is that this is a cultural thing- in japan for example its considered much better to lie if it avoids confrontation.

Aloha, I suppose it hinges on whether or not the parents know what their son has been doing. Since the children have all just started in the reception year, the mum might not yet be that aware. If the children had been at school together for longer, and the boy's behaviour was widely noted then it would be a little different.

Going on my experience, if your son has hurt another, teachers don't always tell you who the child is. They might just tell you about the incident. So, even it the mum knows her son has been hitting children, she might not realise it was zippyb's son, or even the extent of his hurt and upset. The teacher's might have told her it was a small knock or scratch - so the mother won't necessarily know if zippyb's son shrugged it off or was traumatised for a week. This all comes back to the school really, and how they handle the children and communicate with the parents.

I really can't say if I'd send a note or not, but do think I'd consider it if I felt a misunderstanding was brewing, especially if I saw the parents regularly. However, TBH I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. I would have taken the coward's way out and cut the invites so that no one child was left out. I really agree that that is no need to feel guilty about not inviting a certain child to your child's party. It's their day after all.

jimjams, since you are fresh off this assertiveness course, what do you think your course teacher would have recommended

Were you laughing at my second 'blatent lie after the event' letter suggestion? I do tell big lies occasionally I must admit. Couldn't do without them as a last resort, assertiveness can only go so far sometimes IMO

When my dd was in reception last year, she decided that she wanted to invite the whole class to her party, apart from one boy who had spat at her on several occasions.

I decided that it would be unfair to invite all but one, so after much discussion dd decided that he could come.

I was really glad that we invited the little boy in the end. It turned out that he is autistic and his mum came with him to the party and he had a great time. I now get on quite well with his mum and although the little boy and dd aren't best friends, she quite often comes home with stories about things he has got up to in class. Most of them pretty funny.

I have heard many people say that the best way of dealing with a bully is to befriend them. Obviously if your ds is scared of the boy in his class this might not be an option, but it might be something to consider in the future.

Angiel your post has made me think. Leaving aside zippyb's situation, which is different, I have always thought that if ever one of my sons seriously complained that someone was picking on them, I would go out of my way to get to know the so called bully - chat to them in the playground etc.

My sons are both sociable and have never been timid or shy, but I am aware that at some time they could feel serioulsy picked on by another. My oldest son has complained mildly about other boys sometimes, but never felt cowed by them really. However if he did, I would be tempted to do as you suggest. I would never go against my son's wishes if they did not want the boy round for a playdate, but if they could be persuaded into it, that is exactly what I would do.

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robinw you do have great faith in "professionals" which suggests to me you've never had to use them - there are some good ones but the majority are useless- especially in cases where the parents aren't dozy and are switched on.

Just wanted to comment on dinosaur's post- you sound like you had very similar problems with your first nursery as we had with ds1's (he wasn't attacking other children- tbh he keeps as far away from other children as possible)- but they too left him to wander and then moaned when he didn't join in. What a difference a good nursery makes. DS1 is included in everything now- it's great. His new school are also doing a good job with him- too often nurseries and schools take the approach that it's "too difficult" to deal with a child who is different form whatever reason, when in fact with a bit of flexibility they can be accomodated quite easily.

It's difficult to comment when you don't really know the children (or parents) involved, but what strikes me here is that we are talking about very young children. When some posts talks about biters in nursery, I am assuming even younger than 4 years? I don't believe for a second that excluding such a young child is right. To do so would just be to reinforce to the child himself and other children that this is a naughty child. If adults exclude the child, then it's okey for the children too. If I didn't know the age of the child in question when reading this thread, I would assume it was at least school age.

I think robin's belief in early intervenion by the school and Angiel's belief in befriending the bully could be two halves of the same coin: positive and pre emptive attention by the school and by other children's parents to stop more bullying occuring. Also, taking jumjam's point, how much can you leave it to professionals at school to sort out problems? That will vary from school to school. Friendly interest from other parents could fill the shortfall.

My reasons for befriending a bully would reflect this too: I'd want to find out more about them and see for myself how they relate to my child - and how my child relates to them. My knowledge might help my child and make the other aware I have eagle eyes behind my friendly smile. Of course I can't do a professional's job, can't say I'd change any child's behaviour one bit, but I'd just want to be in the know and make sure the other child knew that, too. But all this depends on how much my own child would let me do.

I do think it's really unfair, robinw, that your dd got so little attention. I haven't been in your situation but I'm sure I would feel really angry if my traumatised child was offered no special attention while the child causing her upset got lots.

tigermoth I suspect you could do far more than a professional- sorry but having tried to work with them its often like banging your head against a brick wall.

I think FM makes a good point- these are very young children we are talking about and I think, like her that is why I am uncomfortable with the whole exclusion thing. Even if their problems are "just" due to ropey parenting exclusion seems to send home a very strong message that the child is worthless. However I couldn't possibly be in the situation of my 4 year old choosing who he wants at his party so maybe I would feel differently if he could.

And Angliel's post just makes me want to cry- and I'm not sure why- or whether that's in a good or bad way. I think it was her line about her dd going home with lots of stories about the little boy. I imagine that's what the children in ds1's class are doing, but I have no idea what those stories are- and he has no way of telling me those stories. I am aware that probably most mum's will have heard of ds1 whilst I won't know any of the other kids names. But anyway that's irrelevent to this thread.