She reprimanded MY son in MY house!!

[pfer]

DS1's mate was over with his mum. DS wanted to go outside to play (it was raining and friends mum didn't want to get her angel dirty) and before I could say anything she'd turned to him and said "No, you are not playing outside". Godsmacked. It's MY son and MY home, surely it's up to me to say what he can and can't do? .

(I let him go outside anyway and her DS followed shortly after - both got filthy (snort with laughter) .

I disagree about your house, your rules. Hospitality means that you adapt your rules to your guests.

She may have been abrasive, but I don't think your reaction in not backing her up was particularly great either, tbh. You don't sound like you're very compatible play-date Mums. I'd avoid inviting her round again.

snap, caligula, you are as always so right (in the nicest possible way!)(imo)

Why thank you Ma'am!

Once a friend was visiting me and her dd and mine went off to the bedroom to play and when they came back downstairs they had put on nail varnish.
My friend said calmly to her dd, 'OK, you must now go and take that off'.
Her dd pleaded and said, 'But S (my dd) put it on me. She said I could. She's allowed.'
To which her mum replied, 'She may well be allowed but you are not. So go and take it off please'.
So she did.

I thought my friend dealt with this brilliantly.

Another thought .....
I don't believe that my kids should be obliged to do what other people tell them, no matter how unreasonable, just because those people are adults.
If pfer's son is used to being allowed to run in and out as and when he chooses then no guest has the right to stop him.
How rude and embarrassing.

Clearly she should have stopped her own ds. I wouldn't have a bossy bag in my house telling my kids not to go about their normal business.

Im with you too caligula.

Excellent post Caligula. In my house, dd is allowed to jump on her bed, she enjoys it and is quite careful, I don't mind it, and I admit to being quite reckless when it comes to her welfare . However my friend doesn't let her dd, since Sarah fell off her sofa and ended up with a terrible cut to her chin and scarring, so when they come to play, dd knows she is not allowed to jump on the bed, as Sarahmother doesn't like her to and it's not fair for dd to do it if Sarah can't.

DD is 3, and she already recognises that sometimes, even in our own house, we have to modify our behaviour to suit other people. If I was your ds's mates mum pfer I would be gobsmacked taht you had allowed your ds to encourage mine to do something that was so obviously against my wishes. Surely the adult thing to do would have been to talk to her about it arther than gloat that you had got her ds dirty

but what do you do if your friend has a really naughty child who has never had much discipline (hence naughtiness)?

My friend has a four year old son who's behaviour is awful. I'm talking hitting her, kicking her, aiming a spud-gun at his baby sister, flicking elastic bands at her for fun. I'm afraid I have always found it very difficult not to express my feelings towards him (in the sense of "oh dear Adam, that's not very nice!"), but that could be because I work with children of the same age and have to say that sort of thing at work.

However, I draw the line when he's tried to attack me or my baby. At tht point I will step in and say "no Adam, don't do that....we don't flick elastic bands at babies, do we?". If my friend won't say this to him, somebody needs to.

'xactly Caligula

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Am back feeling reasonably rested, just caught up.

Firstlt, thanks for all the comments all of which have been taken on board. And yes I admit it wasn't good of me to take pleasure in the kids getting dirty, however there were a few points made that I must respond to:

someone said that as they were my guest then i should accommodate them. normally i would agree with that. but in our case it doesn't seem to work both ways.

The respect for adults comment -DS1 behaves impeccably at her house, does as he's told, no back chat etc. It's not the same when her DS comes here. If she's not here he's well, lippy. He's called me fat, says "yes I can, mummy lets me", "I didn't do it" when he's hurt DS1 or broken a toy etc - when he clearly did because I saw him do it. He shows me no respect no matter what I do/say and thb it's no wonder when his mum undermines me as well.

As I've said b4 the kids are always in and out (mum is only here about half the time and when the kids first started playing together we discussed a basic list of what they are and are not allowed to do at home so we didn't overstep any boundaries). As nothing was said before they'd got their stuff on and we at the open door I just presumed it was ok as it usually was. For some reason it wasn't.

My point is that she could quite easily have told HER son that he wasn't going outside. Not MINE, that's my job isn't it?

I think you're taking it personally and your reaction is a little OTT. Also
"DS1 behaves impeccably at her house", are you sure? how do you know?

also, DS's friend hits a lot. DS1 doesn't and he doesn't like being hit. It's a friendship made in hell, but what can you do? I tell the kid that it's not nice, we don't hit in our house etc. DS1 has responded to this well when he went through a hitty phase and now only has minor lapses which are few and far between. sadly his friend doesn't seem to have the same discipline (also he goes to kick boxing classes so he's being taught how to hit to hurt - and DS1 gets hurt quite often).

Good news is though friend is 4 ys 3 weeks before DS1 is which means in Dec. he'll be going on to 'big school' and DS1 will still be at playgroup - and they'll be going to diff schools so in my heart of hearts though ds1 will be upset at losing a friend I think it's prob for the best.

katierocket - because he's a well behaved child - only the odd lapse which is normal. Let me explain DS1 has been classed as a "reluctant talker" and is exceptionally shy. Which means unless he's 100% comfortable with someone (it's taken him over a year to be happy enough to talk to the carers at playgroup and start to mix with the other kids) he won't speak other than the please / thank you / bye's. And he plays very quietly so as not to draw attention to himself in case anyone speaks to him - if they do he get's uncomfortable and withdraws a little. It's a sad situation because it's his first real friend and the friendship just doesn't seem to be suitable. I wonder if he's just taken to the first child to show an interest in him?

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cod - haven't got my teeth in yet

beetroot - couldn't think of the right word. They just seem a mismatch.. DS1 is quiet, reserved, very senstive, friend is opposite. Probably would bring out the best in each other given time? Who knows, but anyway that's not the point is it? The thread was - she should have told her kid not mine and no matter what differences of opinion we have that's still the point.

you should definitely let the 'friendship' lapse. I wasn't suggesting your DS is a secret terror BTW it's just that sometimes I think children can be fantastically well behaved most of the time but then do something very out of character - you never know I suppose.

and before anyone get's the idea i think ds1 is an angel, i, as him mum, can hold my hands up and say that at home he's a nightmare for about 75% of the time - but like most kids they behave for other people don't they?

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is this still going??????????????

katierocket - the wierd thing is I''LL be sad when the friendship runs it's course. It's taken so long and so much effort to get him mixing with others......But I'm hoping that now he's started he'll carry on and make other friends

puff - yeah I've had enough now as well

he will pfer - he'll find longer term friends

thanks kr bye