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Original poster

Adoption:- I'm 42 and last night I found out my birth name

70 replies

lilibet · 27/10/2005 12:58

Have never known this before and I found it out last night as mum had been sorting thru some papers and decided to give me the ones that were connected with me.

I was adopted at six weeks and have never before wanted to trace my birth family but for the first time I am tempted.

The fact that someone gave me a name seems a very big thing - I had never thought of it before, always thought that my name now, that mum and dad gave me would have been my first name.

I am very unsettled by all this, dh says that nothing has changed but I feel that it has and I can't really explain why.

OP posts:

Nightynight · 27/10/2005 13:04

lilibet, how exciting! A name is a big thing, as you say. (I must admit, Id be tracing my birth family like a shot if it was me.)

piffle · 27/10/2005 13:06

how exciting but nerve racking at the same time
I would have to find out, I'm nosey to the point of being illegal LOL
You're right a name is a statement isn't it... A message sort of thing...

Marina · 27/10/2005 13:08

Lilibet, goodness. I can imagine that the naming is highly significant for you in the circumstances, as Piffle says.

Miaou · 27/10/2005 13:13

lilibet - not surprised you find it unsettling - our name is such a fundamental part of who we are. It's the first thing we say when we meet people, it is the "label" by which everyone knows us. It must seem quite alien, finding that out, and pretty hard to imagine yourself as that person. Not to mention of course that it was chosen for you by someone you have never met.

Don't agree with your dh at all, it's a huge thing, which you are bound to respond to emotionally. Go with your feelings.

maddysonsmomm · 27/10/2005 13:14

Nothing has changed your parents are still your parents, but that doesnt mean that you couldnt be friends with your biological parents if you found them, its like making your family slightly bigger, i guess! I understand this is hard, but your family love you and there was probably a good reason your mom gave you up to such a wonderful family, have you tried contacting the adoption office who did the adoption, sometimes the parent keeps in contact with them! Do you want to know your biological mom? I am in the process of fostering at the moment poor kids from mexico, i am sure im gonan want to adopt somone then im dont with babies lol, but i really respect people who adopt children we ned more heroes like them in the world, so salute your parents for me, they are special and so are you!

roisin · 27/10/2005 13:18

Hi
I'm sitting here thinking of you, and trying to think of something helpful to post. But I can't.

Yorkiegirl · 27/10/2005 13:29

Message withdrawn

moondog · 27/10/2005 13:33

Wow lilibet. This is a big thing to find out.
I agree with Miaou. Go with your feelings.

My bil and his wife are in the process of adopting a three year old girl.Very excited at the prospect of a new family member in time for Christmas.

roisin · 27/10/2005 13:43

Absolutely go with your feelings, but wherever you go take it gently, and go slowly.

I agree that names are very important. My ds was adopted by a couple who had already adopted a 2-yr-old. They had chosen his name for him, and always dreamed of a brother for him, and they had chosen the name of this future-dream-baby.

The name I gave to ds was the same name they had already chosen, so they told me they were going to keep and use that name for him. To know his given-name seems so little, but means so much.

NomDePlume · 27/10/2005 13:43

Gosh lilibet, very exciting and incredibly daunting all at once.

I can understand why finding out that your birth mother named you would make you more curious to meet her/find out more about her. If I were in your position I think (pure conjecture as I'm not adopted) it would a) make the birth mother more real, IYSWIM and also b) if she named me then I'd assume that her story was more complicated than she simply didn't want me. Giving a child you are not planning to keep a name indicates a bond, in a way. Almost as if she wanted to have as much to do with the adopted child's life as her circumstances would allow.

I hope I haven't overdone the bubblegum psychology on this and haven't upset you unintentionally, lilibet. All I meant was that I can 100% see your reasons for feeling the emotional fallout as a result of this new information.

Christie · 27/10/2005 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

moondog · 27/10/2005 13:46

Wow Christie..what a strange train of events!!

aloha · 27/10/2005 13:48

Just because a mother gave up a child didnt' mean she didn't love her baby. It is perfectly likely, though of course I can't know, that you were always loved Lilibet, twice over, by the woman who made you and the parents who raised you. I can see why you feel unsettled. I think it's natural. If you do decide to try to find your birth mother, you can get support and counselling by adoption charities.

jollymum · 27/10/2005 14:39

I was adopted at six weeks and I was given the name Michelle, because I was a Beatles baby. I thought about that name for my daughter when I had her, but decided against it. I have since found my natural mother and six siblings. I too was really upset when I found that document, but for my mum, not me. How cruel to have been given the gift of a child, named her and then through whatever circumstances, have to give her up. I had a wonderful couple adopt me, only my dad left now, but he loves my mum and she is so grateful to have met him. They both thanked each other on meeting, my mum for letting me go and my dad for giving me such a great life. Take things slowly, decide gently and carefully and consider other people's feelings as well. Your mum now may be feeling jealous or sad, or may not. Your dh might be wary because you might have another human being to love as much as him. I wish you luckXXXXX

spookylucy · 27/10/2005 15:01

Wow, its a biggie, im sure I would feel very unsettled. Your name is such a big part of who you are. I think you'll need a lot of time to get your head round it. Best of luck

jamese · 27/10/2005 15:08

I've always know that I was adopted - not sure how long I have known my original name (can't stand it). but it never made me feel that I wanted to find out about birth mother. I thought I might one day when I had my own (DD almost 2) but didn't. I thought I would when my parents died but I don't think I ever will. My dad died 4 years ago and my mum has cancer but I still don't think that I will ever find out - even more now as I guess I will feel that I am betraying them somehow (even though my mum even offered to help me look some years back).

I guess I just feel that things couldn't have been any better for me growing up than they were - I have had the best set up parents and brothers that anyone could ever want. So just guess never felt that something was missing.

On the other hand - I have never felt as though I hated birth mother - or been upset by it. Having had DD myself I thank birth mother even more as I can know imagine how it must have felt for her to actually give me up. I was always told that she loved me and wanted the best for me. I know that she didn't want to see me when I was born but believe that was to make things easier for her.

This is the 1st time I have actually told anyone these feelings, so sorry it is so long and sorry to hijack your tread.

Best of luck to you whatever you decide, only you know how you feel and what you want to gain from the meeting etc.

Probably the hardest decision you will ever make, but could be one of the best.

Issymum · 27/10/2005 15:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request

Original poster

lilibet · 27/10/2005 16:02

I've always known that I was adopted too and have never had any ambivilent feelings about my birth mother, not something I think about a great deal actually, or not something that I did think about till now.

OP posts:

edgetop · 27/10/2005 16:16

im 44 i was adopted at 6 weeks old,when my parents adopted me they kept my name that my birth mum had given me as it was same as my adopted mum,i have lots of issues iwould like to talkabout.i traced my bith mum 8 years ago but she had died 3 years earlier,so i never got to meet her.

Original poster

lilibet · 27/10/2005 16:33

And it wasn't even a nice name!!

I have down loaded a form but am not sure if I will proceed yet, probably better waiting till I feel a bit more settled with myself.

But then, what if you wnt too long and find yourself in the same situation as Edgetop?

ho Hum!

OP posts:

wallopyCOD · 27/10/2005 16:35

what oyu dont like the birth name?
do you loke your other name?

JoolsToo · 27/10/2005 16:37

blimey - that is a big thing - I bet its like there's this other 'you' that you don't know

wallopyCOD · 27/10/2005 16:38

Hmm mind you i dont feel i "Know" my middle name
so never use it

skinnycow · 27/10/2005 17:31

dh is adopted and we traced his birth mum just over 3 years ago. Although he was completely unbothered beforehand, he feels a definite bond with her now and is glad we traced her. I can let you have a name of an excellent family and adoption researcher if you like

Original poster

lilibet · 27/10/2005 19:59

Don't actually like either Cod

Always saw myself as something wonderful and classic, both my names were quite trendy and of their time. Both very dated now

That's why my children all have very 'classic' names.

OP posts:

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