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Original poster

Adoption:- I'm 42 and last night I found out my birth name

70 replies

lilibet · 27/10/2005 12:58

Have never known this before and I found it out last night as mum had been sorting thru some papers and decided to give me the ones that were connected with me.

I was adopted at six weeks and have never before wanted to trace my birth family but for the first time I am tempted.

The fact that someone gave me a name seems a very big thing - I had never thought of it before, always thought that my name now, that mum and dad gave me would have been my first name.

I am very unsettled by all this, dh says that nothing has changed but I feel that it has and I can't really explain why.

OP posts:
cod · 27/10/2005 20:02

Message withdrawn

turnupthebass · 27/10/2005 20:16

Hi for those that don't know I'm lilibets dh.
Can I just say that in saying that it doesn't change anything I meant that lilibet has always said she didn't want to know about her birth parents, so I don't see why that should change now.

I've always thought that if it was me, I would have to know, but I think that it has to be the person's own decision.

When I saw the adoption documents last night my main thought was that it was strange that my MIL hadnt realised the impact of lilibet seeing the name.

If - and I think its a big if! - she decides to dig further and find out more, I will be behind and beside her all the way (promise I am not wary!). I think up to now the fear of the unknown and the fear of upsetting / unsettling her mum has stopped her finding out.
We watched the Christopher Eccleston drama together and she found that quite upsetting - understandably.

I admit I am surprised at the effect this has had, but at the same time if I was told my name was not my original name I would be so unsettled too.

winnie · 27/10/2005 20:23

lilibet, I have no advice and can only imagine what you are going through and I can only imagine feeling "unsettled" is very natural.
Take care of yourself and, as others have said, do what feels right for you.

Milge · 27/10/2005 20:26

hi lillibet - i too was adopted at 6 weeks, and decided to apply for my adoption papers last year at the grand old age of 35. My adoptive parents gave me my birth name as a middle name, but it was a real shock to see my birth certificate with a surname too. Made it all seem so real, when i have just parked the information for years, feeling almost that it belongs to someone else not me. I have joined NORCAP, but reall hesitate as to what to do next. Take your time - I am! All the best to you.

cod · 27/10/2005 20:26

Message withdrawn

albosmum · 27/10/2005 20:27

lilibet - my sister found a similar thing whne she was 26 - my advice is don't rush into anything. My sister went to a counsellor to help resolve her feelings

Milge · 27/10/2005 20:32

Yes Cod, I have always known that my middle name was the name given to me by my bm. I didn't know my surname, and thats what made it real for me. Googling my bm was interesting too - she is quite a specialist in her field and don't want to ruin her professional life by turning up!

jayzmummy · 27/10/2005 20:35

Im an adoptive mum and have had a few skeletons fall out the closet about my own parentage, so I can sympthise fully with you re your mixed emotions about your recent discovery.
There are excellent support groups nationwide that can help and support you through this time....please use them and seek their advice.

We changed Ds2's christian name and I had never thought, until now to discuss it with him.

cod · 27/10/2005 20:36

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PeachyClair · 27/10/2005 20:43

Intrigued by this thread as FIL has just started to trace his parents. He told he was abandoned at 2, and the Nursery Nurse at the Orpahnage took him home and her Mum raised him. The Nursery Nurse (Aunty) won't tell him what happened, only 'you don't want to know'- but he does. He knows they're probably gone now, but he has no close relations and may even have brothers or sisters somewhere. Abandonment stiry sems unlikely as no reports in papers, probably a war child due to age. There was a base nearby.

Additional interest as neither fil or my dh are 'white'- dark skin and hair- and dh has had mixed race ticked on forms for him several times. Two of mine are pale, but not ds3.

motherinferior · 27/10/2005 20:51

Lillibet, nothing to add but I'm thinking of you.

cod · 27/10/2005 20:52

Message withdrawn

noops · 27/10/2005 21:01

lilibet,
i am adopted and have met my birth family.
i understand completely how you feel..i would just say to you to go as slowly as you can and really look inside yourself to see what you think you need from all of this.
someho, i needed nothing from my birth family, just friendship and it has worked out pretty well
if you need some sort of validation or surrogate family or are searching for other things you may end up in a mess
cat me if you like, sorry this post is so quick, am bf my little baby just now

Miaou · 27/10/2005 21:13

turnupthebass, it was me who said that I didn't agree with you that this was a huge thing - but from what you say I got the wrong end of the stick slightly - I thought you were saying that discovering the other name was not a huge thing - sorry! I'm glad you are supportive of lilibet though. It's one of those things that, as Jayzmummy says, you don't necessarily think about, but can have a huge impact.

edgetop · 27/10/2005 21:14

my sister is adopted as well she traced her birth mum 12 years ago ,she found that after she had my sister she made a new life for herself in austrila,the man she married told my sister that he met bm while she was my sister & offered to bring her up as his own but birth mum said no she didnt want to keep the baby. this as put a strain on the relationship because my sister feels like she rejected her twice, birth mum wants to be mum but my sister says she feels nothing for her & dosnt want her in her life.
sometimes you have to think they have made lifes for themselfs& they really are strangers.

roisin · 27/10/2005 21:25

Turnupthebass - What was the Christopher Eccleston drama you refer to? I missed that one.

Lilibet - I know you'll take things slowly and carefully, and I@m delighted you've got support from your dh. Remember you are in control. If you do decide to take a step forward at this point, you can always stop at any point and pause for as long as you like, or simply not proceed further.

On a lighter note, I'm offended that you think I'm "very dated now"

Original poster
lilibet · 27/10/2005 21:36

Roisin - !! My other one is along the same lines!

For the rest of you - Roisin and I have the same name in 'real life'

Christopher Eccleston drama about adoption

Not sure what to think yet, but this thread has raised some very good and interesting thoughts - thanks everyone!

I'm going to have a look on the Norcap site.

OP posts:
JanH · 27/10/2005 21:37

Just want to say I am amazed at how many MNers were adopted themselves, and very moved to read all these personal experiences.

piffle, lol at nosey to the point of being illegal - me too...

lilibet, love and hugs to you and TUTB - hope it all turns out the way you want (whatever that is ) XXX

gingerbear · 27/10/2005 21:40

lillibet, CAT me. I am 42 and adopted. My first name is the same as the one I have now. I have my birth certificate, and know my birthmum's name, but I haven't been able to trace her.

Original poster
lilibet · 27/10/2005 21:56

Janh, I'm amazed at that too. I now know of four of us who were all adopted at six weeks.

and lots of us are in our forties, but I suppose that we were ten a penny in the early sixties

OP posts:
Issymum · 28/10/2005 09:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request

edgetop · 28/10/2005 10:18

i was adopted through a catholic childrens home in headlingy in leeds & so was my sister,we have found out that we & our adopted parents were told a lot of lies,ie my sisters birth mum was told her baby was adopted by a doctor & his wife my dad was a miner.
iwas told that my birth mum had me & went back to ireland,but i found out she only lived a few miles away.
my sisters birth mum told her that they were treated really badly by the nuns that run the home, they were called sinners all the time.they had to work all the time they were there,it must have been a nightmare for any young girl in the sixties to find themselfs pregnant.

Original poster
lilibet · 28/10/2005 10:22

We watched The Magdalen Sisters a couple of weeks back.

Absolutely awful what those girls went thru.

OP posts:
CountessCatbertula · 28/10/2005 10:27

Haven't managed to read all this thread, but once upon a time, my best friend at school found out that her Uncle was in fact her half brother, and that her grandfather had adopted him at birth from his daughter to raise as his own. She was only 17, and a catholic family and it seemed the right thing to do.

The point I am making, is although they were all the same people, all of their "positions" within the family had shifted significantly, and it was MASSIVE upheaval at the time, and I have come across adoptees quite often in my life, and realised that despite fantastic lives with adopted parents - the need to understand your own personal lineage, our genetic heretige - is so huge, that noone, unless they are from a similar position can understand how important this is for you.

Miaou · 28/10/2005 10:31

Issymum how incredibly presumptuous of the social workers!!!