Adoption:- I'm 42 and last night I found out my birth name

[lilibet]

Have never known this before and I found it out last night as mum had been sorting thru some papers and decided to give me the ones that were connected with me.

I was adopted at six weeks and have never before wanted to trace my birth family but for the first time I am tempted.

The fact that someone gave me a name seems a very big thing - I had never thought of it before, always thought that my name now, that mum and dad gave me would have been my first name.

I am very unsettled by all this, dh says that nothing has changed but I feel that it has and I can't really explain why.

lilibet. You didnt happen to video the drama did you?

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So you wouldn't think of tracing your sister because then she will know about your history?

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Cod, no not Europe- rural UK.

DH is 'officially' white, but extremely dark and far more mediterranean looking, as is fil and ds3.

Oh, Christie, how heart-wrenching, poor woman - she must have loved you so much, how cruel that they wouldn't let her see you when you were ill - and phoning every day in those days, from a callbox probably.

Times really have chnaged for the better with adoption, haven't they?

Oh lilibet, even the title of this thread made me feel for whoever had started it. It must be a very strange feeling, I just wanted to convey my sympathy, I have no experience. It does seem very odd doesn't it, to consider that there was even such a thing as a 'home for unmarried mothers' as recently as 30 odd years ago. I agree, being adopted clearly doesn't mean your bm didn't love you, who can know the circumstances? Love to you and TUTB Lilibet.

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Lilibet, I'm sure this is very unsettling for you - like discovering you had another identity.

My mother discovered she was adopted at the age of 42, long after her parents had died (she was born shortly after WW2 - think stigma of illegitimacy meant parents didn't tell children they were adopted in those days). It was a huge shock and somehow finding her birth name made it all more real. Her parents had kept her birth names but made them middle names which was rather touching (and explained why she has so many names!).

Unfortunately we had no success trying to trace her birth mother as it was a private adoption and the court records were all lost in a fire some years ago. And the lady would be very elderly if she was still alive.

As everyone says, you need to do things at your own pace. I hope you find the answers you need.

Btw, very very long shot, but if anyone knows a Maureen Cecilia Murphy, who would be at least 80 now, let me know!

Very unsettling for you, Lilibet, particularly having had no desire before now to trace your birth family - must throw up all sorts of unexplored feelings. I'm currently reading Kate Adie's new book Nobody's Child, which explores some of the complex issues around adoption and identity (mind you I'm not sure I'd recommend it at this stage if you're feeling raw and unsure about where you want to go with this information). I think the stigma surrounding illigitemacy was huge until surprisingly recently ? women in the past had to often pay a terrible price for unplanned pregnancies and the stories behind the hundreds of babies given up for adoption were often shrouded in secrecy.

I have an adopted friend who tentatively dipped her toe into the business of tracing her birth mother - when she discovered her birth name, she decided she didn't want to take it any further because she so disliked the name.

It is a big thing, discovering something like this about yourself. Does your mum know anything about the circumstances around your adoption, and do you feel this is something you can talk to her about?

I can understand why you are feeling unsettled and I will be thinking of you.

I have a brother and sister who were taken into care before I was born. Every now and again I think of them but the fear of the unknown prevents me from trying to find out anything about them, it is the unmentioned secret in our family. I also think it would be unfair of me to lumber then with our family history when they may have a blissfully happy life.

On a more humourous note when I went to get a copy of my birth certificate when I started uni, I couldn't find my record anywhere. I asked for assistance and the lady helping me asked if it was at all possible i had been adopted. I told her that I didn't think so and explained about my elder adopted siblings. She obviously thought I had been adopted and had never been told the truth so she took me to a little room to speak to someone over a cup of sweet tea. It turned out that my Mum was so overjoyed at my arrival she just couldn't be bothered registering and only did so when she realised she couldn't get child benefit - so I was registered nearly six months late and was therefore in the wrong book!

Edam, have you tried a tracing service?
Also, I'd like to talk to you re how much someone charges to set up a media website! (please don't get too excited, doubt they can afford much )

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Christie that is a lovely story, I have tears in my eyes reading it.

I am so glad for you and your mum that you have a relationship now

Good luck lillibet

xxx

So glad for you Christie, that's a heart-warming story.

Aloha, yes, we tried a private detective with an excellent reputation but sadly she didn't get anywhere - it's very difficult because Maureen Cecilia wasn't born in the UK (probably Eire) and there are no wedding certificates for those full names, just for Maureen Murphys (and it's a very common name). And post-WW2 she could have ended up anywhere in the world, the US or somewhere. She did find one possibility but the lady is dead and her family really didn't want to think it might be the case so wouldn't talk to us - had that old-fashioned 'she could never have given her child up' reaction. Don't think they understood that women were forced to give their babies up.

But we weren't sure it was her anyway because her job was a book-keeper and this lady's job was something different - in those days why would someone change career when they were already well-qualified (for women in those days when career opportunities were restricted).

Will email you re website.