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Original poster

Shall I be Mrs DHname, Ms MyName or what?

79 replies

SenoraPostrophe · 26/09/2005 19:55

so, it's coming up to our first anniversary and I still haven't decided whether to change my name.

The kids have DH's name because it's very unusual, my name is slightly nicer, but harder for Spanish people to spell. Googling my name brings up lots of results, Googling my name with DH's surname produces none. It sounds silly as a double barrel, and we're not posh enough for that anyway. Part of me would love to have the same name as my family, part of me thinks that is letting down the "cause".

what do you think?

also what did you do?

also if I keep my name, presumably I should be Ms. Should i also write snotty emails to sites which do not give me that option?

OP posts:
hermykne · 26/09/2005 20:13

senora
i was double barrelled before i married and after 5 yrs i decided to go with dh's name - pure handiness, easier to sign , easier to say to people on phone, and before chip and pin easier to sign for!

keep your name if you want- thereisnt really any advantage really to being a mrs dh bar acknowleging your married and commitment in my opinion.

WideWebWitch · 26/09/2005 20:13

MI's have 2 hard to pronounce double barrelled I think! Oh, I see what you mean Janh, Senora,all the others have the same name do they? Ah. On;y just read the snotty emails bit, yes, you should def do that bit!

motherinferior · 26/09/2005 20:14

Jan, my kids have his name, then my name, non hyphenated; 15 letters of multicultured unspellability.

Original poster
SenoraPostrophe · 26/09/2005 20:14

HMB - it's a Scottish tradition . Lots of scottish/Northern English names started as surnames.

It's in my family too, but my name is quite clearly a surname, and anyway Spanish law restricts you to 2 names (kids would have been firstname middlename someoldsurnamefrommyfamily surname if i'd had my way).

OP posts:
motherinferior · 26/09/2005 20:15

As far as I was concerned they got my name, and his if I felt like it as well. Can't be doing with this 'he impregnated me so they get his surname' attitude myself

motherinferior · 26/09/2005 20:15

As far as I was concerned they got my name, and his if I felt like it as well. Can't be doing with this 'he impregnated me so they get his surname' attitude myself

motherinferior · 26/09/2005 20:15

Erk. Sorry.

Original poster
SenoraPostrophe · 26/09/2005 20:16

Jan - you know our surnames - it just sounds silly! (and would increase the unspellability of their names too).

OP posts:
motherinferior · 26/09/2005 20:17

Nothing wrong with unspellability IMO.

Original poster
SenoraPostrophe · 26/09/2005 20:17

MI - I agree. they only got his surname because it is extremely rare and he cares about that sort of thing. If his name had been as common or commoner than mine they'd have had mine.

OP posts:
teeavee · 26/09/2005 20:18

we're not even married but I could never be bothered to change my name.
ds has his dad's surname - juts because in france they cannot hanlde anyone having a different name from their fater's or their mother's, so too much hassle to argue

Original poster
SenoraPostrophe · 26/09/2005 20:19

and unspellability is all very well when you are fluent in the language...I spend hours saying "p for....errrr. pig, no English word...er pamplona" (obviously i say it in Spanish)

OP posts:
teeavee · 26/09/2005 20:21

I can't even be bothered to get marired, never mond change my name!
ds has his dad's surname - just because in france they simply cannot handle anyone having a different name from their father's or their mother's, so too much hassle to argue.
I have given him 2 middle names though, so he could adopt one of them, if he wishes, when he's older, and then he wouldn't have to carry either of our names - he'll have one new name all to himself! I like that idea.

Janh · 26/09/2005 20:28

Families having random names isn't a problem here any more, so if it isn't a problem there either that the kids' name is different from yours then I wouldn't bother changing for now.

Does that help?

(I changed mine mostly because his is more melodious. Not sure what I would have done otherwise.)

(I will just mention again the girl I know whose parents gave her a name that was a mixture of both theirs, but who insisted aged about 12 that she wanted his. I think they may have got married at some point between her registration and her insisting on changing...but anyway I'm trying to think of an acceptable similar form of your 2 names but there isn't one! )

laligo · 26/09/2005 20:29

i'm also a ballbreaking bluestocking and would rather throw myself under a horse than change my name! I was born with it, it doean't matter that it was my dad's, the point is it's mine. IMO you should only change your name if you'd be equally happy to see your dh change his to yours instead.

otherwise i do feel it is letting down the cause! i find the name change thing such an insidious little "oh it's so harmless" thing when in fact by doing it you are saying that as a woman you and your identity just don't matter as much. rant, rant.

having spouted polemic though, i'm not married so i don't have to decide. and ds has dp's name because it's obvious i'm his mum, i gave birth to him; i want his name to show who his dad is.

motherinferior · 26/09/2005 20:31

Nobody seems to boggle at the Inferiorettes' combination of their parents' names. Or if they do, they do it quietly and politely behind our backs.

I genuinely cannot imagine changing my name. Even to something spellable. Especially to something spellable.

throckenholt · 26/09/2005 20:35

haven't read the rest - but I kept both. I am me as I always was for work (was there before I married), and anything that is just to do with me. For anything to do with the kids I am Mrs DHname.

It has never been a problem - except for today - I was trying to become a bank signatory for our playgroup - I signed as Mrs DHname because that is what they know me as, but when I got to the bank I realised all the official paper they would accept had me as Miss Me - bummer - had to come home and dig out lots of other bits of paper including my marriage certificate

weesaidie · 26/09/2005 20:39

Well I am unmarried but I don't think I would change my name. As my ex and I split when I was pregnant and were only just on speaking terms when dd was born, she has my name.

In fact we have never discussed how he feels about this! Probably because if I asked him he's just say, 'I don't mind,' or similar which would irrationally infuriate me!

paolosgirl · 26/09/2005 20:46

Didn't want to change mine at the beginning, but DH has a very unusual name (only family in Scotland with the name) so he wanted to keep it. Now I'm glad I did. We all have the same surname - part of the same gang! - and each of us has my maiden name as a middle name.
Hyphenating was not an option, as the 2 surnames are very odd, very long and sound crap together.

janeybops · 26/09/2005 20:59

I compromised and have Ms and dhlastname.

However, his name is worse than my original last name

Both are not easy to spell but mine was shorter - only 3 letters but amazing the number of variations people would come up with! Whereas I now have to spell out 7 letters all the time. Also it rhymes with a rude (ish) word - not good as I am a teacher!!

Why did I chnage it -lol??
It is nice though that we all have the same last name now though

marthamoo · 26/09/2005 21:05

There was a discussion about Miss vs Mrs vs Ms on Jeremy Vine's Radio 2 show today - it was hysterical. In their typically Daily Mailesque extremist way they'd got a feminist Ms (lesbian to boot) ranting on about how marriage was a dead institution, it was obscene to show oneself to be a chattel to a man by calling oneself Mrs...rant rant Mrs Angry rant. Then they had all these women ringing in and saying well, she's a lesbian so she's a lefty looney anyway, I love being Mrs - Ms sounds horrible blah blah ranty old rant. It was really funny.

So...er...I dunno, SP. I wanted to have dh's name and that's really why we got married - I wanted us all to have the same surname. But I don't think it really matters either way, it's whatever you feel comfortable with. I wouldn't have changed my name if dh had been called Phlegm or Erbeldinger or anything like that (apologies to any Phlegms, Erbeldingers etc...)

There, that was helpful wasn't it? Now you know exactly what to do.

philippat · 26/09/2005 21:08

I definitely think this a 'going with your gut feeling' one. I just couldn't change my name. Went double-barrelled for a while for a range of reasons but never felt comfortable so dropped it.

As an adult I've always been Ms, both Miss and Mrs say more about me than I'm willing for someone who-will-just-send-me-sheds-of-junk-mail to know about me. If web sites don't give me the option I select Dr or Sir , but I'd definitely say snotty emails, good thing!

dd is xx myname dh'sname.

Chandra · 26/09/2005 21:16

I have two names and two surnames but since moving to the English speaking world I just use one of each (while living in the US, people used to think I had been married twice so I simplified it)

Many women in Spanish speaking countries have battled for ages to keep their maiden names (for the simple thing that when you get married the word "de" + DH's surname is added to your first surname which sounds like Mrs (your surname) who "belongs" to (his surname). In Spain they keep their maiden names which I think is only fair. For many years I stood firm to keep my identity beyond marriage but I decided to use DH's surname for NHS documents since I got pregnant just to avoid confussions regarding DS. And it has started creeping in...

Now the question is... what process do you follow in order to change your surname?

lucy5 · 26/09/2005 21:20

You have to do what you feel comfy with. Pre dd i always said I would keep my own name, not that I would ever get married hahaaha! Then, when Pregnant I played with double barrelled and the names just didnt work. In the end I went with dh's name as I didnt want any confusion over who dd belonged to. I felt we should share a family name. I think these days you can do what you want.

QueenEagle · 26/09/2005 21:24

When we married, me and the kids double-barrelled our surnames with dh's. That way the kids got to keep the name they had before dh and me met but joined his on the end. dh changed HIS name too so we are all the same and have a quite unusual surname although by no means posh AT ALL!