anyone else have a domineering mother?(long sorry)

[spacecadet]

..and if so how do you cope?
my mum has spent the last 33 years belittling me, she sent me to live with my dad when i was 13 so she could start a new home with my step dad who hated kids, ive never had a brilliant relationship with her, she always behaves as if ashamed of me and when i was a single mum would wal;k ten paces in front of me when she came to visit, never told anyone when ds was born because she was worried what people would think. the only time she seemed remotely proud was when i married dh.then when i gaoined weight, it was moan, moan , moan, she never tells me i look nice and never helps me, she would nt even come and stay when i had ny miscarriage in march, as she said it was a blessing in disguise, ive broken the news to her that im preg again and she has gone up the wall, saying, we will never be well off and have nice things etc if we keep having children!, we are fine financially, dh has a good job, we have a nice home and are about to have an extension built, but she is always looking down on us, she constantly makes snide remarks about how much money they have etc(im an only child) and keeps saying we will never have luxuries like theydo, but i dont want them, the reality is, she is dead miserable, she spends all day cleaning her vast, immaculate house because she is bored and has no social life.last night on the phone she had a go at me saying i was fat, yes i am , but im preg now so cant go on a diet, she kept harping on about how, i must start dieting as soon as the baby is born and said she was ashamed to be seen with me as im so overweight, we are having dd christened next month and dm said, what are you going to wear? i told her i had a nice out fit which i could still get into it which had a white top and she said, oh no,, not white, your too fat!(im a size 18, so yes i am big)we had a massive row and i told her that she had better stay away from dd;s christening, and come and see me when i was thin and would meet her approval, i today had a text from her sayiong shes not coming to chriostening and is going to tell the rest of my family not to bother either(my aunt and 2 uncles), i havent stopped crying all day, should i cut her off, or put up with it?

oh spacecadet
i don't have any experience of this, and to be honest i don't really know what you should do.
It doesn't sound like it is doing you any good having a relationship with her right now... but i'm not sure where that leaves you
How horrible to say that she will tell the rest of your family not to bother going! I hope you have sent invitations out to them all, and make sure you phone them and let them know that you would love them all to be there... don't let her win

thanks hyphenlover, i have sent individual invites, trouble is my aunt is very close to my mum and tends to side with her in arguments.

bump

Oh,you poor love!I am sending you big hugs from someone who has always FELT belittled by her mum but alot the time wasn't!
You are between a rock and a hard place nad I really feel for you.Good Luck with whatever you decide.

am tempted to divorce the old bag.

How old is she?

space cadet....your not my long lost sister are you????
Your mother and mine would get like a house on fire.
Just about to have supper.....I'll be back later to share with you my strategies for tollerating my fire breathing dragon...oopppsss I mean mother!!!

shes 57 dropinthe
jazmummy, i will look forwatrd to that!

Spacecadet, I don't have time to post just now but I wanted to post you this link. Hope it helps you as it did me. link

thankyou for that monkeytrousers, it makes interesting reading and is certainly food for thought, i have toyed with the idea for ages of cutting all ties, but i worry about how it will affect the children.

I have kind of found an imbetween way. I'll post tomorrow. Take care

thanks.

I would cut her off. Does she ever make you feel good about yourself? Is she going to be like this with her grandchildren too? How will they feel when they don't meet her approval?

On a more moderate note, maybe you could try to tell her how her behaviour makes you feel. She might change?

interestingly enough zaphod, she is very judgemental of the children, she want take ds1 to florida next year, but is taking the others, i did confront her at xmas but she cant see that shes doing anythibng wrong

She sounds like a total cow spacecadet.
She is very young (compared to mine)do you think she could be jealous of you?

Personally if she is messing you up I would steer well clear of her,until you are strong enough to cope.
If you are worried about the kids, well why don't you limit access? ie let her see them when it suits you, and for very short bursts.

Families, and particularly mothers, can be extremely dangerous.

After a major row with mine 2 years ago I now see her/speak to her when I want.. not when she does.

spacecadet - this is making your life difficult so go with how you feel. She has no right to call up others you had invited & tell them not to bother. She has no right to make such awful comments about you and your life.
My mother doesn't talk to me or my sister anymore. Her choice. She is a difficult person and through out childhood made life difficult with her belittling commments and by always blaming others for her situation and doing nothing about how we lived. I escaped to uni and worked to support myself. She was never proud of our achievements and even said that I was just a housewife so why would people listen to what I have to say. Her health got bad in 2003, I took her to my doc but she never went to see her own gp to sort out her treatment. I called her gp to tell him the prob and she found out & decided not to have anything more to do with us. She told my sister I was preventing her from seeing her grandchildren which is a complete lie. Luckily my sister knows that. I feel so much better & in control not having her dragging me down with her complaining and lack of support. She never came to help when I was preg with dd3 & needed help - this time she doesn't know I'm preg. I could write loads but I'll spare you!!! -
Best wishes with this - hope you sort out a solution that feels good for you. Put your family first. Plus congrats on your preg

its easy in a way to keep her at arms length as she lives 230 miles away, she tends to have the children to stay a lot, during holidays etc.actually i got her age wrong, she is 56 next month, not 57,i dont know if shes jealous, material things seem to be more important to her.

milward-after years of put downs, i have started to believe that i really am the useless failure shes made me out to be, i wish i could be free, i wouldnt miss her.

You don't have to have this stress in your life. Do what you feel best. I feel better not having my mother all the time putting me down and just not being happy for me. When we were moving to an area that I wasn't happy about (but love it now!) she was so pleased - made me very sad. Be with your immediate family as they are the people most important to you. Don't allow your mother to get to you. Best wishes xxx

thanks milward.

take care of your self spacecadet - you're important to your immediate family & yourself. Don't listen to what she says. I tell my dh if I ever start to be like my mother to tell me!!! - luckily he doesn't think it will happen. I've learnt from my own bad experience of my mothers way of doing things how important it is to praise my kids & hug them, how to be happy in my relationship with dh, just how to enjoy life in general & be who I am. I've learnt alot from her & the difficulties & unhappyness she put me through. Feel for you this xxx

dh has been saying for ages, i should cut ties with her as he hates seeing me get upset, dont know what to do about dd's christening now though

SC - could you organise it just inviting everyone. Send your mother an invite so she can't complain she wasn't invited. If she doesn't come then it's her problem. If she tries to stop others coming then hopefully they'll be as shocked as you are at her behaviour. If she comes & comments on anything that makes you uncomfortable - tell her she's out of order - always wish I'd told my mother that her comments were not to my liking. Get your dh to be between you & your mother & have as little to do with her as possible. She can stay in a hotel or with other relatives rather than your house if necessary. You are more important then her convenience.

ive sent invites already and she is booked into a hotel, trouble is, now she says shes not coming, which frankly i couldnt care less about, but now the couple of other family members who were coming, who are my mums brothers and sister arent coming now, so i dont even have my godparents for dd, i will have to cancel.

Gosh sc - this is awful. What did the god parents say on why they weren't coming?