anyone else have a domineering mother?(long sorry)

[spacecadet]

..and if so how do you cope?
my mum has spent the last 33 years belittling me, she sent me to live with my dad when i was 13 so she could start a new home with my step dad who hated kids, ive never had a brilliant relationship with her, she always behaves as if ashamed of me and when i was a single mum would wal;k ten paces in front of me when she came to visit, never told anyone when ds was born because she was worried what people would think. the only time she seemed remotely proud was when i married dh.then when i gaoined weight, it was moan, moan , moan, she never tells me i look nice and never helps me, she would nt even come and stay when i had ny miscarriage in march, as she said it was a blessing in disguise, ive broken the news to her that im preg again and she has gone up the wall, saying, we will never be well off and have nice things etc if we keep having children!, we are fine financially, dh has a good job, we have a nice home and are about to have an extension built, but she is always looking down on us, she constantly makes snide remarks about how much money they have etc(im an only child) and keeps saying we will never have luxuries like theydo, but i dont want them, the reality is, she is dead miserable, she spends all day cleaning her vast, immaculate house because she is bored and has no social life.last night on the phone she had a go at me saying i was fat, yes i am , but im preg now so cant go on a diet, she kept harping on about how, i must start dieting as soon as the baby is born and said she was ashamed to be seen with me as im so overweight, we are having dd christened next month and dm said, what are you going to wear? i told her i had a nice out fit which i could still get into it which had a white top and she said, oh no,, not white, your too fat!(im a size 18, so yes i am big)we had a massive row and i told her that she had better stay away from dd;s christening, and come and see me when i was thin and would meet her approval, i today had a text from her sayiong shes not coming to chriostening and is going to tell the rest of my family not to bother either(my aunt and 2 uncles), i havent stopped crying all day, should i cut her off, or put up with it?

I think of my mother as ill, because she is really. In the same way that the writer of that piece describes her mum as having a personality disorder, I think of my mother that way. This way I no longer expect (and certainly never hope) that she will ever recover and ever be the mother I hoped she'd be when I was young.

I think parents like this who, for whatever reason, find it impossible to express or perhaps even feel love for their offspring infantilises us as adults. It took me absolutely ages to grow up and get a grip on my life as I think I always wanted her to miraculously wake up and, well..blah blah, I'm sure you?ve had the fantasies too. I'm well past that now thankfully. And of course while I was messed up it gave her all the ammunition she needed whenever she needed bucking up herself. When you take control of your own life, they loose the power to hurt you.

My older sister has nothing to do with her. I see her (out of selfishness more than anything else as I don't want to be bitter like her IYSWIM) maybe two or three times a year and always have a pre-arranged pick up ready. I never give her the chance to have a drink as this gets her going, or will ever leave her with my son unsupervised. I don?t want her not to see DS though. It?s not my job to punish her either, IYSWIM (again).

She doesn?t have to know this. She's old and can't have much time left and I would hate to be the one to burst her bubble that it's her who is at fault and not the rest of the world. Like I said, she's ill, irredeemably so.

My older (but middle sis (now 40) is still stuck in the needy stage unfortunately.

Whatever decision you come to Sparky, it will depend on your particular circumstances and only you can be the judge of that. But FWIW, I think what you need to do is render her powerless to manipulate you. To do that I think you have to give up the hope that she will somehow change. I mean, who knows she might, and it might be a wonderful surprise, but I'd be better if you actually didn't really care.

I hope you start feeling better soon. Just wanted to let you know it is possible to do this without it tearing you apart.

Just smile, be polite and grit you teeth until she's gone. Then just forget about her.

That's what I'd do anyway.

Good luck tomorrow sc. Have something you have to go out for as well. Get dh to start getting coat on when she has arrived - you're all going out, how nice to see her but you're all off to a friends or whatever....

Naming ceremony sounds good and the important people will be there - you, your dh & kids - this is what you need.

mt and milward thankyou for your excellent advice, dh works weekends so when she brings dd back im just going to say, sory im really busy, hope you dont mind if i get on with what im doing. will ring register office tomorrow re naming ceremony. mt i plan to put a lot of distance between me and dm from now on(apart from the 230 miles there is already), i have just realised, thaT im not actually bopthered if i dont speak to her ever again

Good for you. My life woudl be alot less complicated if I never saw mine either, but I try to do my little bit

Good luck tomorrow!

thanks!

Hope all is going well today for you sc - you are strong xxx

i survived the dd drop off!

Yey!! {{{{hugs}}}}

First day of the rest of your life!!

Well done sc - as mt says the rest of your life starts here!! Loads of best wishes xxx

thanks everyone who has given me great advice, its taken me 33 years to realise that just because someone gave birth to you, it doesnt give them the right to treat you badly, and i dont have to put up with it..yay! i feel free

Took me longer sc - good for you - enjoy xxx

Hurrah, am really pleased for you sc!

thankgod i never went to live back near her, i think if i ever return to wales, i will go down the peninsula where its too far for her to come.

SC, Im glad you are feeling better. You were saying about your DS's god-mother having cut him off, I think that it's rather sad when people let the children suffer. My DD's god-mother was a great friend of mine, we were inseperable for 14 years. Her 16 yr old & 6 yr old are my god-daughters & I make as much effort toistay in contact as I can. The 16 yr old was kicked out of home 3 months ago, so I see her easier than the 6 yr old. I am not sure when I will see the youngest again, but am told she is clingly & very tearful having lost her step-father, me & her sister over the last 2 years. I send her letters & try to call but her mother is very hostile.

Ironicallly, my DD's middle name is that of my ex-friend. I loved her & cared for her so much thant I gave her the ultimate honour! Thank God I didn't give DD the name as a christian name!

Good Luck, if you go with the naming ceromony. Once you have met some good people, maybe then you can consider a christening. But maybe, by then yuo'll be once bitten, twice shy. I am SO wearly of new people now!

Lots of hugs

How bloody sad that all of us have such crap mothers. We could form a sisterhood!

Good luck SC! x

lol monkeytrousers,im soo not like my mum, and determined never to be.(she is so cold)

Can I join?

Can I join?

Cor, you're keen!

She mush be a right hag! hehe

(Idea for a new thread - horrible mother insluts)

Oh, that was a Freudian slip wasn't it?!

lol monkeyt - I have stopped contacting my mother - she can ring when she wants. She forwarded some post the other week & addressed the envelope to my dh!!! Funny thing is she doesn't know I'll be having a baby in september & everyone will know before her. She probably wouldn't be concerned in any case as she's not bothered to ask how her only grandchildren are. I would love to know how she explains herself & family (!) to others??

Good thing about mumsnet is I know I'm not alone in having a mother like mine - I feel stronger & better about things. Sorry for everyone else dealing with this issue though.

Did you read the Burchill thread Milward? When she kicks off she always reminds me of my mother. Totally up her own arse and utterly deluded!

mt - I haven't will check it out
sc - hope you're ok today xxx