anyone else have a domineering mother?(long sorry)

[spacecadet]

..and if so how do you cope?
my mum has spent the last 33 years belittling me, she sent me to live with my dad when i was 13 so she could start a new home with my step dad who hated kids, ive never had a brilliant relationship with her, she always behaves as if ashamed of me and when i was a single mum would wal;k ten paces in front of me when she came to visit, never told anyone when ds was born because she was worried what people would think. the only time she seemed remotely proud was when i married dh.then when i gaoined weight, it was moan, moan , moan, she never tells me i look nice and never helps me, she would nt even come and stay when i had ny miscarriage in march, as she said it was a blessing in disguise, ive broken the news to her that im preg again and she has gone up the wall, saying, we will never be well off and have nice things etc if we keep having children!, we are fine financially, dh has a good job, we have a nice home and are about to have an extension built, but she is always looking down on us, she constantly makes snide remarks about how much money they have etc(im an only child) and keeps saying we will never have luxuries like theydo, but i dont want them, the reality is, she is dead miserable, she spends all day cleaning her vast, immaculate house because she is bored and has no social life.last night on the phone she had a go at me saying i was fat, yes i am , but im preg now so cant go on a diet, she kept harping on about how, i must start dieting as soon as the baby is born and said she was ashamed to be seen with me as im so overweight, we are having dd christened next month and dm said, what are you going to wear? i told her i had a nice out fit which i could still get into it which had a white top and she said, oh no,, not white, your too fat!(im a size 18, so yes i am big)we had a massive row and i told her that she had better stay away from dd;s christening, and come and see me when i was thin and would meet her approval, i today had a text from her sayiong shes not coming to chriostening and is going to tell the rest of my family not to bother either(my aunt and 2 uncles), i havent stopped crying all day, should i cut her off, or put up with it?

why aren't the godparents coming?..is it because of her?
can't you change the godparents?
Don't let her spoil your family's day.

I just posted on the domineering mothers thread but it sounds like my mother came from the same mould as yours. Mine told me for years that I was ugly(I'm no oil painting but I'm not bad), fat(6ft and 11stone hardly fat!) and useless( can't think of a comeback but I know I'm not). It took me a long time to realise that she was taking all her insecurites out on me because I was everything she was not. I only see my mother when she sees my ds and then we only make small talk. I told her what I thought of her attitude and now she knows not to say anything or I will stop her seeing my son. It's harsh but it has given her a reason to hold her tongue.
Hugs for you as I know it's hell to have a she devil instead of a mother

sc - have to go has dh will be back from work trip abroad in a few mins. Will be back later xxx

I would push the godparents - it is an honour to be asked to be a godparent so if they don't have a good reason for not coming I'd give them the elbow and tell them why. Can you get other ones?

thanks spursmum
helsy, tbh, i dont really have any friends, and little family, dh only has his dad, so i dont know who to ask. what a disaster

aww spacecadet I really feel for you, your not alone my mother isn't domineering as such but belittles and critises me at every opportunity, I could be here all night with some of her comments the phrase I can never win springs to mind, when I was pregnant with DD she went on about how fat I was even though I told her the night I had DD the midwife said what a neat little bump I had and she's see a lot of bumps. Every time I see her she tells me I've put on weight, then after DD was born I lost a stone and she told me I looked too skinny!

She constantly critises the way I am bringing up DD, hopefully we will move an hour away soon and she won't be round as much. She lives in her own world where she is always right.

Don't know what to suggest but please don't cancel DD's christening because of your mum.

i thought living 230 miles awy from her would help, trouble is she rings me!...i wonder if some mothers were put on this earth to just critisise their offspring.

sweetkitty, fancy your mum telling you, you were fat when preg.mind you my mums doing the same thing.

Mum's very similar- won't hog your thread by going into details but I put it down to her not being able o let go- she literally wants to tell me how to live my life and can't accept that I'm an adult. It's very hard

i promise i will never be that with my own kids.

sorry you are having so much hassle with your mum and family. hope it all blows over and your mum sees some sense.

don't suppose there is a vacancy for a Jewish godmother that you've only met once in RL

aw bless you mts!, you would have been a far better god mum too

Hope you get things worked out for the christening xxx

so do i!

spacecadet, my mother is in no way the same category, but still has created a lot of issues for me. Mainly with the whole 'I will say whatever I feel like regardless of your feelings - but woe betide you if you try to do the same'. She has not been the best of mothers, although in some ways she provided everything she could for us. Just not unconditional love or approval. However she is a great granny, and after much councelling (for me, not her!) I can now cope with three of four days of her company without wanting to scream! It helps that I have brothers and sisters that I can moan to.

I have friends that have cut off their mothers and say it's the best thing they have done, and others who have restricted access under strict rules. You will need to think about what's best for you and your family. I recommend a bit of councelling to get your feelings about her out of your system, but recognise that's not for everyone.

With regard to the christening I would think seriously about calling it off until you meet people who you would really like to be god parents, and that you feel would have a special relationship with your dd. You can always ask the priest about having a blessing if it's important to you to have something now.

There are many people out there who would I am sure like to be your family's friends, and provide way more support than family who are always going to take you mother's point of view over yours.

If you don't take action you risk destroying yourself just because you feel that you ought to be nice to your mum. It really doesn't sound like she deserves it!

Very sound advice from Nooka. Don't tie yourself up in knots to go ahead with a ceremony you don't need to, when the people you feel should be supportive of it (and you), aren't.

Your mother sounds awful. You don't need to cut her off completely (over 200 miles away sounds quite sufficient! but is there any way you can screen her calls or be unavailable?

My mother's fairly ghastly and whenever she starts to irritate me and my antennae start vibrating, I say, "listen, I must run, the kids are in the bath and I can hear them shouting/ flooding the place" (the fact that the kids are "in the bath" at 4.30pm has so far gone unnoticed!) Is there any strategy you can employ to deal with this ghastly character?

nooka, thankyou for that advice, i am seriously thinking about what to do with dd's christening at the mo, and am thinking long and hard about the dm situation
caligula-i do have caller display, so why do i still answer her calls??!!

Nooka's advice is good. Tell your church the problem and see if a blessing could be done. Why have people as godparents who can't be bothered. Tell your relatives that you will wait until some committed god parents can be found. Call screen for your mother - call her when you're ready. Be strong xxx

i will call the vicar later.

Sounds good sc. I bet they have heard a few family situations as well! They'll be able to help - and no thanks to your mum & her meddling. Hope you get the answers you need and then you can plan a super day for your dd xxx

I haven't spoken to my mother for 12 years. She was a bully, a money grabber & self-centered. She told me when I was 16 that she never loved me because she never wanted me. (I have no memories of being told I was loved & certainly no physical gestures). I am gald she is out of my life as I have no need for her to be in it. I miss having a mother to share things with but I certainly don't miss her. She sent a card when DD (now 2) was born & I told my sister that I wouldn't stand in her way if she wanted to visit DD. We haven't heard anything since! No birthday cards, no xmas cards, no nothing! DD won't miss her because she knows no different!

With regards to the christening, please think carefully before you go ahead. I chose 3 god-mothers & 1 god-father. 2 of the god-mothers no longer pay any interest in DD. One of them was my best friend & we fell out so now she refuses to awknowledge DD. Ironically, her 16 year old daughter is the only god-mother who does still care for DD.

IMO a god-parent is somebody who will be there for your child, will love him/her unconditionally & do whatever is necessary to guide them in their life. I am a god-mother to 2 & take my role very seriously. IMO, if these people won't come to the church to have this great honour bestoed upon them then your child deserves better god-parents, if they are letting him/her down before the event, then what kind of influence will they be?

I wish I had found out what kind of person my so-called best friend was before I went ahead. She ended up telling me she resented my daughter for being more important to me than she was!

YOu can have a naming ceromony instead. From what I know about them you don't need to appoint a god-parent. This position should be reserved for special people, prepared to make the effort.

FWIW, I think alot of us here would be honoured to be honourary god-parents till you get this sorted!

melissasmummy-strangely enough, the woman i chose to be god-mother to be my ds has since fallenout with me and doesnt ev en acknowledge ds, so this time i thought i was safe choosing family!, i have looked into a naming ceremony, my register offfice, does naming ceromies, i wonder whether that would be a nicer idea.

I would cut her off. But I am fairly unforgiving I admit and I am sure it would be very hard to do. I just can't arsed with anyone who treats people like that - just because she is your mother doesn't give her some kind of license to be nasty!

I would hope that anyone who loves and cares for you would come to your christening no matter what!

I hope you work it out.

there were only going to be 6 coming anyway, so now it will just be me and dh and the children. bit of an awkward situation at the mo as dd1 is on holiday with my dm at the mo and is coming home tomorrow, being returned by dm, im dreading it as they are driving 230 miles to bring her home, what shall i say or do, i just want to tell her where to get off.