Tea Room the Fourteenth

[amberlight]

Welcome to the 14th instalment of the Tea Room. It's now officially spring, and we've moved the tea room to a Gipsy caravan pulled by the tea room horses, which is making its way up the countryside in an effort to follow spring. There are of course hedgerows filled with spring flowers, Mellors the handsome gardener/driver/handyperson, the usual virtual Bishops, and the assorted animals and characters from previous tea rooms. All are very welcome to join in with us parents of one (or indeed more!) for general chat and the occasional very odd conversation. Climb aboard, grab a cuppa, enjoy the view, relax!...

Sorry, x post so missed your explanation, Bergitte. Am that you feel strong enough to risk all that again and very much in awe.

Car ..... puppy ..... open bowels .....

Would anyone like an Easter Bolly?

Wow Bergitte, that does sound hard, you have had a really really hard time . I have to say I can see how a person may not want to try again after those experiences.

LittleO ate sooo much chocolate today ! He lay in bed saying he feels ill and can he go to the doctor. He said he won't eat chocolate tomorrow

Sorry, Bergitte, I had meant to say earlier that I think one of the most difficult decisions with treatment is knowing when to stop. You clearly have had such a difficult few years that none of the choices feels completely right, just now.

We've managed not to make ourselves sick on chocolate. Will try harder tomorrow.

Yes, deciding to stop was harder than deciding to start. DH would have gone on, but my first reaction after the last miscarriage was no, I can't go through that again. DH loves babies and is very good with them and we have just been out with friends with DD2 who adores DH and always staggers straight for him. Please tell me I didn't do the wrong thing!
Off to bed now, happy Easter to all (particularly those who believe in such things, Amber).

Racing - To the extent that I can be sure of anything (walk a mile in your shoes and so on), I am sure you didn't do the wrong thing. You had a very gruelling time and getting off the treatment wagon and concentrating on your life with the elliptical and adorable Wriggle, MonsieurSerpent and the Aged P is, it seems to me, a good and wise choice. It's great that MonsieurSerpent is in tune with babies but even the cutest baby mutates eventually into a child and then a teenager.

oh Bergitte - when you right it down you can indeed wonder how anyone can cope with so much at all let alone keep going - but it sounds like you have sensibly decided to at least reflect on the situation - and agree with Racing, as you also can tell - it's not the pups fault

Racing, you did the right thing. Many days and nights your plate and cup is full. That your Monsieur can have some good times with other babies is a blessing, but Trowel, as ever, says it and says it well

For me I found the hardest thing was the "promise" of something else always around the corner- just one more try, one more treatment, one more, one more. I have decided hope is a seriously overrated virtue that has no place in my life....

I haven't shared my pregnancy path because I fear it would make me too easily identifiable but DaisyBloke and I had decided we were past the whole trying thing, we were starting to explore the reality of being childfree for life - trying to recapture any life away from endless infertility treatments, and so for us the step that resulted in DaisyBoy was our very last ever step. This has meant that for all I have pangs and angst I have never thought I would have another, and reaching that end point was, I have to say, a huge relief.

You can't hasten the journey to get there, perhaps some people never do, but for me letting go of ever even thinking of trying for another child has, eventually, been hugely liberating....

I think for us it was a very complex path. We're both on the autism spectrum, as you know, and therefore have to be 100% sure that we have the resources (of every and any kind) to be able to handle any given situation. I also have arthritis in my back that means huge pain if I'm carrying different weight differently. I also had endometriosis for years which left me in a bit of a mess internally,and had a lot of chemical treatment that mucked around with fertility.

We lost our first one to ectopic pregnancy in which I nearly also lost my life.

DS was a 'happy accident', very soon afterwards and I can honestly say the best thing that has ever happened to us, for all the challenges we went through with him and with us trying to cope with no outside assistance from services and having to rely heavily on friends (thanks, friends! )

But although we did have an attempt at considering a second one, we just couldn't risk putting more load on our family than we had already been through.

Have we regretted only having one? Nope. He's wonderful.

Wow, what an Easter! .

Bit too much conversation for me to backtrack over everything everyone is saying, but I had a very strict religious upbringing, and wonder if that has an impact on my sexuality. But am happily married to DH, so I guess it doesn't really matter. Had to explain what "gay" meant to DD the other day. Some of the kids at her school are using it as an abusive term, although the teachers are trying to clamp down on it. She thought it meant unhappy . I kept it quite simple and non-judgemental (not that there is anything to judge, I hope you know what I mean...).

DH has 2 sisters and he always felt very strongly that he should carry on the family name. I think he'd have wanted to keep trying till we had a boy! As it was, we had DD then DS, so I didn't end up with too many . Not sure I could cope with more than two anyhow! Noise levels would be unbearable!

Daisy - It sounds as if our journey was along the same path as yours (but at a different time, as TrowelGirl is several years older then DaisyBoy). The magic that led to Trowel Girl was our last dance in the treatment ballroom, too. I had spent so much time lurking on a childless/childfree message board that I was quite in tune with being childless/free - so much so that I was in a state of shock when I found myself to be up the duff! So although I did have a wibble when she was about one, I never really had any expectation of a second child.

Yes, the playground usage of 'gay' to mean pathetic or contemptible is very unpleasant. I am hoping that it will move on, as teenage slang always seems to, although I guess it takes longer to filter down to primary schools.

Would anyone like a chocolate muffin (can you spot a theme here) with the strong and bracing drinks which Amber has, as ever, so kindly prepared for us?

I am having chocolate crispies as we speak - I should not be here but am on a Major Downer, as MrT and I HAd Words about his "support" today.
THe lack of sleep is having a large effect on my temper and health - started another itchy cold last night so as soon as I laid down I couldn't breathe - had to get up again. Went to bed around 4:30am . Have only done about 10% of second index and have about 26hrs left to complete (should NOT be here, did I say that already?)

Anyway, I expect IABU but to me, support is allowing me the time to do this work, which has only been sporadic, and not whinging that "he did miniT's nappy in the morning, AND cooked dinner AND hoovered my car for me without being asked" - yes, but I did the laundry (or he'd have no clean shirts or grundies for tomorrow) and fed miniT his lunch blah blah - it's not about point scoring, it's about TIME. If he'd asked me how he could help me achieve my deadline, if he'd just said "don't worry about miniT, I'll take care of him today, you just get on with your job" - it would have been support. But all I get is point scoring.

IABU, aren't I. I just feel ill, tired, stressed and am not going to finish in time and I am here for brain release instead of Getting On With It.

I think YANBU Thumb. I can't bear point scoring (we have friends that are in this spiral of 'I had DD for 26.4 minutes, so you must have her for 26.4', 'Ah, but I had her for 15.7 more the other day' etc and it drives me insane).

Have some chocolate, tell DH that you just need the space to complete your work, and that he and MiniThumb can have a nice day out together, bye bye, and you'll conquer the index.

DH and I fully expected to be childless - we had put a firm limit on the number of miscarriages we were prepared to have, and were reaching that. I met too many people who kept trying one more time - but it's difficult when getting pregnant wasn't a problem, and people are very bad at understanding that. None of my RL friends have had any trouble at all getting, or staying pg, and tbh, it drove a bit of a wedge between us.
I am always amazed at the strength of people here who went through so much for their DS/DDs

Cmot is absolutely right, I think, ThumbChick. Incidentally, I know a couple who used to do that tally thing, only about driving, ie "you owe me 56 miles of driving because I drove us to MIL's" and so on.

wow - after a flurry activity on my part I've gone all silent on you. I'm in awe of all of you and the things that you've been through - our journey was quite differently difficult. You all had to deal with your own disappointments - which must be hard if you begin with the expectation that you find your bloke (although clearly not quite as straightforward - ha! - I like bad puns, sorry - as all that for many of you ) settle down, and the kids just turn up. We never had that expectation, so the question was always about 'how'.

Mind you, we were also getting close to the end of the road when DD (must find her a nickname, other than C) showed up. One mmc before that too.

Anyhow, had a lovely day yesterday - took C swimming, which she likes, and over to tea with her nana, aunt and uncle - she totally played to the gallery and stuffed her little face. And then today was the opposite - just a bit cranky and off all day (me, rather than her) so the yelling over getting dressed and throwing food on the floor somehow that little bit harder to bear. Also she tripped and fell while chasing the hoover round, and DP and I both ended up with a surprising amount of blood on us (cut her top lip ). Then DN and SIL turned up - usually lovely, but sometimes I'm not in the mood for her. She's one of these very organised mothers and I think she thinks we are a bit lax with C. So she will start picking things up off the floor (a book, which wouldn't be there if we had a problem with either of the girls damaging it) because her house is baby-proofed to the nth degree. ANd then told C to stop doing something - I think she was scrunching up a piece of drawing paper. I don't mind her disciplining C, but she was just playing and exploring! She's 14 months old! Ours isn't and amazingly so far C hasn't really gone for the drawers or cupboards (they are black lacquer stuff, so I think she just gets preoccupied by looking at herself ). I'm just venting - she's lovely and very good to us - just wasn't in the mood for a visit at 10 mins notice just because it suited her schedule.

DP is currently on a career break, so in effect a SAHM although she is trying to take a new direction. I'm an academic so my time is relatively unstructured. THis is good most of the time (although we have had to draw up a very rough timetable - it just saves us time and energy - so I have C Tuesday mornings, DP on Friday afternoons etc) but I occasionally feel like we are falling into the 'your turn' 'my turn' trap.

On the sexuality spectrum, I agree - I think every one of DP's siblings has tried the same-sex thing at some point - but on the one hand social norms and expectations are very powerful things, and on the other, I am clearly at the wholly gay end of the spectrum, despite attempts to conform to normality until I was 24 . It's one of the great regrets of my life that I didn't get myself together earlier on that score.

Anyway, have utterly failed to do most of the work I had planned for the weekend (I sympathise, thumbchick - are you a copy editor/author? freelance?) and have to cut 3 pages from a paper I'm giving in Venice (yes you can be ) and finish a book review before bed. So better stop typing and start working

Dh does point scoring which drives me nuts. Thumb, YANBU.

I have a day at the ILs tomorrow, which means lots of "when you have your next one..." I explain that their son doesn't want anymore and get lots of, but it is cruel etc. Apparently I am a bad DIL if I can't change his mind.

I am unsure if I could cope with a second one. My MH issues have made this very, very difficult.

Eek. Wishing you strength for tomorrow, Roslily. Is your MIL always so, ahem, forthright or is it only on this one topic? Anyway, it must be exasperating for you.

And a predictable for DrivingMissCrazy's trip to Venice.

Is it wine o'clock yet?

Def wine o'clock.

Am v impressed that you haven't committed crimes against your PIL as yet Roslily - I would have. On one memorable occasion MIL told DH that it was cruel not to give DS a sib - DH blew up rather spectacularly, and she has never mentioned the matter again.

Am very stiff and sore today - had a v hard riding lesson on Saturday, and then took DS swimming on Sunday - which would have been relaxing, but the flume was open and so I had to climb up that 17 times. Could do with a long bath, but it's not usable yet.

we don;t seem to have too many demands from MiL for the "next one" since SiL2 had a MMC ( as I had had pre boy) followed by baby a year later. SiL1 has been unable to have any kids and has adopted. MAYBE, just maybe MiL is learning a bit of tact around her childrens reproductive experiences. This is the woman who was heard to refer boy as our first proper granchild tho... all teh older ones are adoptive or maybe coz they lived abroad, any how they didn't "count" for some reason!!!

Evening all. how teh chocolate fest going... boy is learning to barter, two of his kinder mini eggs for one of DHs marzipan and choc eggs...

Working tomorrow and much of teh rest of week, so may not be here much. An out door event in April, we dont; normally do this kind of thing till June, so boss and I are feelinga bit out the loop, hope we catch up quickly.

Eek, 17 times up the flume! Mainly on this subject the PIL are like this. They don't believe that he won't change his mind. His brother has 3 kids and they are considering a 3rd. It is just hard to listen to, as I really want another.

Thanks all for the IANBU votes - I was getting a bit uncertain myself.

roslily, that is rough - you should maybe suggest they address their remarks to their son and him alone, since he is the stumbling block in the situation. If they can't do that, then they should just shut up entirely as it is out of your control.

DMC - I have co-edited a text book with a colleague over the last 1.5 years and it is due to go to press this month, if I can ever get the bloody index finished (STILL shouldn't be here but miniT is being Obstructive - however, MIL is taking him out for the day in an hour or so)

at 17 times up the flume, CMOTD! Wow. Impressive stamina. about the lack of bath though - I remember our first few weeks here and not having one, really rather irritating

OK. Am going now

Giving a paper in Venice?!

Hmm. Giving a talk in a rather seedy building in South London isn't quite the same. Want to swap, perchance?

Morning all. Kettle's on. So's a large fried breakfast, since the Government has decreed that this is the way to lose weight (no, really).

ha! amber have done my fair share of talks in grotty locations - where in Sarf London (I'm from there!). So all plans in disarray here as DP's aunt has just died. It's all a bit complex - there's a family farm involved, which she didn't own but had the right to live on. No-one has a home down there any more and her house is uninhabitable (rats ), so all sorts of complex arrangements need to be made. Not helped by the fact that I am going to Venice on Thursday morning and DP can't drive. Plus my feckless, useless MA students have bailed on me yet again today - so why did I spend half of Easter preparing my class ?

thumb well done! indexing is really sucky, and actually harder if it's your own book. All those categories and sub-categories start to merge What's it about? [nosy emoticon]

pissing with rain here again - just hoping that the leaky roof holds out; hope that you all have a good day today

Hi all,

My laptop broke!!! I am in an internet cafe! I can either pay myself and have it fixed in two days or hand it over to the insurance people and get it back in 3 weeks ! I think I'm going to have to pay...but if I'm not here for a few weeks you'll know why.

Off to Geneva conference tomorrow anyway and then another one in Spain the week after so I'll have to leave without my laptop [sad too attached to the internet emoticon].

Hope you are all well. Good luck with the work Thumb, sorry you missed all of easter. It was a wash out here except Saturday so all our easter plans went out the window. LittleO did have his 1st horse riding lesson though!

See you all in a few weeks....

DMC, so sorry to hear about your DP's aunt and attendant difficulties - was it very sudden/out of the blue?

I could tell you what it's about but it's too easy to Google it so I'd be outing myself in a fairly major way. Not that I don't trust you lot here but open forum and all that. Let's just say it's a topic designed to bring certain branches of complementary medicine more into the conventional camp and we're hoping that it will be a core text book (lots of royalties) in the field. That's all you're getting out of me. I couldn't let anyone else do it though, they just wouldn't have known enough about the subject (plus I was advised by a friend who co-wrote a textbook on epidemiology, who had a pro do theirs and then had to re-do it herself).

Must go away again!

thumb sounds interesting, but take your point about our friend google. I hope it sells well for you. Often thought about doing a textbook type thingy myself - partly for the money I must admit. Though doubt there's that much money in 'blankety blank' (also small field, me well known in it, RL identification too easy)

And thanks - she was old, diabetic, and losing her mind, so not really that surprising. And died peacefully at least. And really not a very nice person, but it's the last link to a farm that's been in their family for over 300 years so it is the end of an era. And now DP and all her siblings (5) will fall out over what to do next (ah, yes, yet another upside to onlies!!). It's in a beautiful place and DP and I would love to do something with it - convert the farmhouse, rent it out, plant trees, but we've no capital and the rest of them just want to sell. I think it will break DP's heart - anyhow. Onwards and upwards
must go away too, C squawking and wanting to play ball