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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

Original poster

has anyone stuck to 1 because of partners wishes?

66 replies

rabbit54 · 27/10/2009 22:08

We are sticking to one because my DP says absolutely no to another. I would love to have another DC. We have an easy life, space, and money to do so. My DP is a fantastic father. Our DS was not the easiest baby due to being early and a long bout of illness and so lack of sleep. However, our DS's personality is relaxed and now nearly two he is very well and great. So, has anyone else had to agree to one because the other partner does not want to? And how have the years faired after the decision?

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BeehiveBaby · 27/10/2009 22:10

I did the opposite. I refused to accept an only child would be the result of our first accidental but welcomed pregnancy and did not let up until DH relented. Marriage now crumbling ....

Original poster
rabbit54 · 27/10/2009 22:14

wow, sorry to hear that, do you think you pushing him into second child was the beginning of the end?

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BeehiveBaby · 27/10/2009 22:20

Yep, for sure. We are really badly organised and quite poor (therefore, cramped) though, so it has really taken it out of us. All worth it IMHO though. I have a sister 18 months younger which informed my decision immensely.

It can't just be the sleep thing stopping your partner though surely?

paddingtonbear1 · 27/10/2009 22:20

hi, our dd is 6 and we are sticking to one - but in our case I have said no to another, rather than dh. Before we married I didn't want children, but we discussed it and I agreed to try for one - otherwise we would not have married. dd is gorgeous and I love her to bits but I still don't want another, which fortunately dh has accepted. We are all close, dh and I still have a great relationship. I hope he doesn't resent me later but so far that hasn't been the case. I take it you've discussed it with your dh? Why did he not want another? Your ds is still very young, it is possible he will change his mind in the future.

Original poster
rabbit54 · 27/10/2009 22:28

i am 40 yrs old and so dont have time for DP to change his mind. but i am pretty sure he wont change mind. he does not want another because he does not make changes in his life in general. He also likes to read on an evening. he is 48 yrs old. his reason for not wanting another is his age and money. We have no mortgage and both have savings, he has big savings. so i think he just doesnot want the work of a second child.

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Original poster
rabbit54 · 27/10/2009 22:31

also i know i want a second child mainly for myself, but also doesn't a single child get lonely? Do two children play together like everyone tells me?

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BeehiveBaby · 27/10/2009 22:32

He has no other children?

Original poster
rabbit54 · 27/10/2009 22:33

no, I am his first serious relationship

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BeehiveBaby · 27/10/2009 22:34

Mine entertain eachother, yes, but I won't deny that being with one on the occasions it happens feels very calm and relaxed in comparison to the two of them.

Original poster
rabbit54 · 27/10/2009 22:36

well, my DS who is 22 months wants us to entertain him 97 percent of the time, which we do

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choosyfloosy · 27/10/2009 22:37

I would say from my experience that yes, a single child does get lonely and yes, two children play together. I would also say from observation that a lot of people have a very tough first year with their second child, and in general the noise level with two children is higher!

For dh and me it was a mutual decision to stick at one, but dh really struggles with the general noise and disruption that children IMO should be allowed to make, and I think that was a factor for him in his decision.

I am a bit more relaxed about the decision now ds is at school, but I am always going to feel we denied him something he would have loved to have. However, I felt that having two parents who are basically healthy and living together was also worth having, and there was no guarantee about that with a second child for us

BeehiveBaby · 27/10/2009 22:37

Just wondered, my DH has one more than me, which was good leverage!

It is such a difficult one (sorry for stating the obvious!). My BIL is dithering over timing of a first....'let's give it 5 years...enjoy each other...etc'. My sister is 33!

Original poster
rabbit54 · 27/10/2009 22:38

If your marriage is crumbling do you think the love you have for the second child has been worth it in terms of forfeiting your love for your DH. Also, if my relationship crumbled I would have no where to live as he owns the house, and at the moment i only work temping part time, so i would lose a lot for the sake of a second child

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Doozle · 27/10/2009 22:43

If loneliness is your main worry, it doesn't have to be that way. I have a 3 year old DD who will be an only and she isn't lonely at all. We always see friends and have playdates arranged so it's just not turning out to be the issue I thought it might be.

Also it's nice to come home after seeing friends to be just the 3 of us and I think she also appreciates her time on her own.

Original poster
rabbit54 · 27/10/2009 22:44

Hi Choosy
I think there's alot of similarities. My DP would not cope with noise and disruption of two but that if i forced him to have another it could be the end of our relationship in future. so, i am trying to accept one on the basis that our DS will have two parents happy together loving him.

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Original poster
rabbit54 · 27/10/2009 22:46

good to know that a 3 yr old likes time on her own. I cant imagine at moment our 22 month spending time on his own longer than 5 mins

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BeehiveBaby · 27/10/2009 22:49

Definitely worth it but pretty nightmarish at the moment TBH. Nowhere to go due to finances and stuck 400 miles from family because of his DD1. If I am brutally honest I saw it as a consequence and not only decided that DC2 was more important to me, but that should the marriage fail, at least DCs would have each other.

Original poster
rabbit54 · 27/10/2009 22:50

sorry have to go to sleep but please keep posting your opinions and i will read in morning. Mumsnet is bloody useful

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MissingTheSecond · 27/10/2009 22:51

Yes. Not quite so clear cut as OP's situation as we don't have much space/money and I'm not sure how well I would cope with two, but still feel horrible about it and think all the time about what dd might be missing.

Sorry not much help, but I sympathise.

choosyfloosy · 27/10/2009 22:53

DS's social life is incredible - possibly I've fallen over my feet here as he is really poor at entertaining himself - he is used to the morning at someone's house, someone else round for the afternoon, and looks aghast if there is nothing else planned for the evening! I can well imagine there are single children who are better at enjoying the time to themselves. Although I have a sister and brother, they were both much older than me, and I remember loving the time alone, in fact I still do and really need space a lot of the time.

Rabbit, ds is showing signs of getting better at playing by himself, but really the first signs of this in our case weren't until he was around 3.5 [brutal truth emoticon]. The first trickles of him being able to read are starting to happen (thank God for the Beano which doesn't take much reading).

sticktoyourgins · 28/10/2009 07:27

It just seems so wrong for a woman to have a child with a man who has made it clear he doesn't want that child whether it is there first or their second.

Adryath · 28/10/2009 14:37

Two children don't always play together nicely - it depends ona lot of variable - i.e. agesage gap between them, sexes, interests, temperments, moods etc. As far as playing nicely/amusing one another goes, they can also squabble and fight in equal measure which can cause stress levels to rise.

Only children aren't always lonely either. They can play out or in with friends, have cousins on hand to play with too.

I have a neice and nephew (9 and 11) and they have their own separate intersts and friends and seem to fall out more than they get along when they are together.

When they go out anywhere or on holidays they are always looking for other kids to make friends with rather than being content simply to play together.

I think that very often people with more then one child are lazy when it comes to giving their children opportunities to meet and play with other children preferring to think to themselves that they're company enough for each another.

People don't seem to appreciate that sometimes siblings get sick of the sight of one another and crave outside company.

BeehiveBaby · 28/10/2009 15:13

That is very true Adryath. DD2 is 2 on Monday and has no friends! I am rubbish....DD1 had millions at this age and had made real connections with several. Have invited all the circa 2 yr olds I know in an attempt to amend the situation!

Original poster
rabbit54 · 28/10/2009 15:17

To Adryath. When i see other people's children together both children seem to be wanting me to play with them on a separate basis, vying for my solo attention. But at the same time the children are aware of each other and so give the house a much stronger sense of play. The children both bounce hyper, playful energy around to keep up a strong playful atmosphere. Whereas a child on their own cant make the same atmosphere and so it can seem a bit quiet and dead with one child. If we had another one it would be 3 and half by the time the baby was born??

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Original poster
rabbit54 · 28/10/2009 15:42

I have been reading loads of threads about one child. And people say that as long as you do lots of dates with other children its ok to have one. Ever since my DS was born and is now 22 months I have struggled to find enough mates and children to play with, even though my DS has been to loads of play groups, nct meets and singing groups etc. I dont have any relatives. My DP has relatives but hundreds of miles away.

People dont have the time like i do to meet up. This is because i don't work much at mo (living partly on savings), dont keep the house immaculate, dont iron,etc. My partner works part time and shares chores with me. so when we are with our DS we do lots of things with him.

Other people are busy with relatives, other siblings, house work or paid work.

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