has anyone stuck to 1 because of partners wishes?

[rabbit54]

We are sticking to one because my DP says absolutely no to another. I would love to have another DC. We have an easy life, space, and money to do so. My DP is a fantastic father. Our DS was not the easiest baby due to being early and a long bout of illness and so lack of sleep. However, our DS's personality is relaxed and now nearly two he is very well and great. So, has anyone else had to agree to one because the other partner does not want to? And how have the years faired after the decision?

Rabbit, sounds like it's not been to find people to arrange playdates with.

Does he go to nursery at all, even for a few hours a week?

I know it's a way off but when your son turns 3, he will get a free nursery place for 12.5 hours a week and he'll make lots of friends then and get interaction there. The playdates should hopefully naturally follow on from that.

"Whereas a child on their own can't make the same atmosphere and so it can seem a bit quiet and dead with one child"

Not with my DD - she is bursting with fun and energy and our one-child household is full of noise and laughter! Maybe your DS takes after his quiet father or is afraid to make too much noise for fear of upseting him. You need to show your DS how to have some fun, make noise, dance, sing, laugh

My DS does make loads of noise (i gave the wrong impression). It's that when another adult or child comes round he gets really excited.

He also goes to nursery two days a week but no playdates have come from that even though i already know two lots of parents. This is because for usual reasons that they see their family alot, have other siblings and work more.

This posting is helping me. I am sorry if its dragging on. I am trying to come to terms with not having another child. This makes me weepy, and angry towards my DP. I manage to contain myself the majority of the time. He says he will never change his mind, but he has never driven a project or made a change to his life in his life time. I am the one that researches and organises all the big projects about the house, DIY, work, nurseries, in our relationship. So, I cant just feel this is another one of those occasions.

ok, I am going to leave this issue on the shelf for a couple of days as i have to work from home, intensely for a couple of days, thanks everyone

Don't worry about "dragging on", it's good to get all these things out of your system.

Even as someone who wants only one child, I have gone through a fair few ups and downs about it all. There's so many negative ideas out there about one child families, that it does sometimes feel like somthing to come to terms with.

Maybe your DH will change his mind, maybe he won't ... but if he doesn't, I hope we can show that it can be really nice with one child and that it's not all bad.

Am now at the point where we are very happy with our little family of 3 and feel that there are a lot of unspoken benefits. It's really helped chatting to other one child families on here too.

My DH told me he only wanted one after having No 1. I was furious as I had left a previous relationship after that partner told me 2 weeks before wedding whilst he knew I wanted children (note the plural) he would only agree to one. I decided to bide my time and not make a fuss and see if he would change his mind. He didn't. I was by then 40 and decided I have choices 1) leave DH and try to find DH no 2 and have baby No 2 .. unrealistic I thought as clock was ticking. 2) settle just for 1.. I couldn't do that we would have split up as I would have been so resentful 3) stop taking contraceptive without telling him see what happened and if I got pregnant then let him decide what he wanted to do as options 1 and 2 both involved us divorcing which I didn't want to do. I got pregnant .DH was cross.. v cross. However 4 years later I have 2 lovely DC DD the youngest being the apple of her daddys eye.. and we're still married

Dinnertongiht I feel like that just now. Desperate to have a second child, really desperate. It just isn't happening though.

I spoke to a friend tonight who has just the one who is now 8 yrs old. She went through all this and then her relationship broke up so did not have another one. She said the main benefits to one is a calmness once her DS mates gone home, and a closer relationship with the one. Her DS does not miss out on any companionship. So, this is interesting, but I like the noise of kids. Maybe I would like their playing, bickering all the time though, who knows. Are then any people out there who has been a single child who has decided to have only one?

I have one who is now 8 years old. DH decided he didn't want any more shortly after DS was born and I was devistated. I have been on the brink of leaving a couple of times and I struggle with it every day.
I love DH deeply but can't help having some resentment toward him over this. We have plenty of space and although we don't have much money, I have done the sums and don't think we would struggle to have another.
I have ups and downs, at the moment I am a bit more down than up I get very broody at times and lately it has been worse. I have just turned 30 and I think the old clock is ticking more loudly than it used to.
I have lost count of the number of people that have told me to have an 'accident' and believe me, I have come very close to going down that route. However I just feel that a child should be wanted by both parents, not forced on someone that doesn't want it. That's not to say I don't pray for a genuine accident to come along or, obviously, for DH to change his mind.
Every now and then he seems to start softening to the idea and I get my hopes up, but it always ends up in dissapointment.
I have tried various things to help come to terms with the 'decision' and after a long time I gave away/threw out all the baby stuff that I had been keeping 'just in case'. DH wouldn't let me get rid of the pram though and it just sits under the stairs (folded up behind loads of stuff). He said we should keep it so that we could give it to someone in the family when they came to need one (as it is a really good one, which I mainly only paid out for because I wanted something to last for a few kids!!). I sometimes think maybe if I could get rid of that last thing I would accept it as final.
Sorry for the sob story...just feeling sorry for myself at the mo!

Stuffedmk I am really sorry to hear your problem. It sound like your DH has less excuses than mine - at least we are old and tired. I presume you have shown how you feel to him? What are his reasons?

He does worry about money (he was willing to consider fostering due to getting paid) But it is mainly due to the fact that he likes life as it is. He likes the time he has to himself at times with only one, and the space he has for whatever hobbies he fancies. he likes that when DS is grown up we will still be young enough to 'enjoy life'. We have sufficient funds (although not a lot) to pursue our own interests aswell as buy whatever we feel our son needs with a few treats added in here and there.
He has never had a good relationship with his father and felt resented as a child. He is very concerned not to let that happen to the next generation.
He is very aware of my feelings.....he couldn't escape them if he wanted to lol.
He recently had his heartstrings pulled when DS said he would like a brother or sister. He actually said he would get me pregnant if I wanted (for DS's benefit) but that he really didn't want another kid and as long as I didn't want him to do anything it was up to me Obviously that isn't really what I would consider a change of heart so didn't take him up on the offer.
He is so good at talking me round with his sensible sounding reasons that when all I have is a 'need' or a 'longing' that is all emotion based it is hard to argue.

I should say that in every other respect DH is very caring and giving and this is the only thing that we really don't see eye to eye on.
If that were not the case I'd have been gone long ago!

stuffedmk. really difficult one. Is any good at taking chances in life? You see my DP just doesnt make changes in his life. He thinks in the now. So that's why i am convinced my situation with him is partly he just cant take the plunge. Your DH?

stuffemk. p.s. I feel my DP has become quite precious about our DS to a point where he cant imagine another one - does that resonate with your DH?

Oh gosh. I sort of wish I hadn't seen this thread. After 2 years of nagging, my DH has finally agreed to dc2. Our DS is 3.5 and I've been desperate for another baby since he was a matter of months old.

Now I'm worried I've pushed DH into another baby and it makes me feel sick.

Like others on this thread, I prayed for a genuine mistake that would result in a happy accident of a pregnancy. In fact, I mistrusted myself so much that I came off the pill and told DH we had to use condoms. I couldn't trust myself NOT to accidentally on purpose forget my pill. So I made contraception a joint effort. I was terrified that DH would always have suspicions if we did accidentally fall pregnant.

We have plenty of funds to support another child, although space would become an issue after a couple of years. In theory, we can afford to move to a bigger house, but DH is ultra conservative when it comes to money.

But I can't ignore this consuming desire for another child.

Confused now.

rabbit54 - Yes, both your posts resonate, DH worships DS (a good thing, obviously lol) and he has come closest to agreeing to another one when DS expressed dissapointment at not having a sibling, but change is not good as far as he is concerned. DS was planned, and he seemed fine with it but tries to say that I (somehow) knew that he wasn't really ready but pushed him into it. He only expressed any worries when I was about 7 months pg so how I was supposed to know I have no idea . Anyway he says "that one turned out ok" but he doesn't want to 'risk' it with another. He is happy that DS doesn't disrupt life too much (ie. he can pretty much do what he wants, when he wants)another one might mean he has to make changes. Don't get me wrong, he is a great dad and does loads with DS but, epecially now that DS is a bit older (8yrs) life is fairly calm and relatively easy.
He always gives it the old "it's just your clock", "we have to rise above those instincts and use logic and reason", "blah, blah, blah!!!" "that's waht seperates us form animals" etc.... As you can imagine that speach changes somewhat if I dont fancy sex ...."we are all just animals after all"!!!!lol

bouncingblueberries - Your DH has not been tricked or deceived, you have made the decision together, even if it took a bit of coaxing. I'm happy for you that he agreed, and wish you the best of luck
Don't let yourself get worried about it, maybe he just needed a little time, and maybe he needed to feel in control of the situation. He sounds like he knows how to say "no" so just be happy and enjoy trying for dc2!!

I think the hardest thing is when DH agrees but doesn't really agree.
The last big talk we had on the issue ended with him giving in and saying I could have another (notice I say I not we) but he adds other, less pleasant things on the end. These include "but I am not going to do anything", and "don't expect me to be there for the kid or love it...", and "I don't want it, so basically I want nothing to do with it!"..."But it's up to you, I'll get you up the duff if that's what you want".

He then went on to say that he would probably be fine when it came but that he wouldn't make any promises, then left the decision up to me.

So he absolves any responsibility over the issue but makes me look like a b**ch if I say yes despite his warnings. And I am still left knowing he doesn't want one. Not much of a choice really. Mind you I consider calling his bluff constantly.

Anyway, sorry about that ...rant over! lol
He isn't generally such a ct b*d unpleasant person

I think the hardest thing is when DH agrees but doesn't really agree.
The last big talk we had on the issue ended with him giving in and saying I could have another (notice I say I not we) but he adds other, less pleasant things on the end. These include "but I am not going to do anything", and "don't expect me to be there for the kid or love it...", and "I don't want it, so basically I want nothing to do with it!"..."But it's up to you, I'll get you up the duff if that's what you want".

He then went on to say that he would probably be fine when it came but that he wouldn't make any promises, then left the decision up to me.

So he absolves any responsibility over the issue but makes me look like a b**ch if I say yes despite his warnings. And I am still left knowing he doesn't want one. Not much of a choice really. Mind you I consider calling his bluff constantly.

Anyway, sorry about that ...rant over! lol
He isn't generally such an unpleasant person

lol, oops, must remember to preview and edit lol

i have like yourself felt very very angry with my DP. I had another chat two nights ago and there was the first glimmer of hope which was nothing grand at all. however, i now feel all the feelings i felt for my DP before this issue rose its ugly head. so, the issue is making you say unedited things about your DP not him essentially. p.s. your bit about reason and animals and sex made me laugh. Men are lured into acts by women when men want to project a desire, but then men are intelligent ones in control with reason when they dont want to do what women want. i am finding this forum incredibly useful and made me pluck up the courage to talk to my DP about the issue and now I love my DP "to bits" again.

It is good to have somewhere where people understand.

Glad you are feeling better.

Maybe another talk is needed here aswell. At least I have vented here so that maybe I can keep the conversation civilised lol.

Well, I had another 'talk' with DH and he seems to be softening slightly. In fact he said he wouldn't be surprised if I turned out to be pg this month as he thinks on a couple of occasions (at what would be about the right time) he may not have got out quite in time if you get my meaning .
Anyway in the past if he has been even slightly worried he has insisted on morning after pill straight away, just in case. But this month he didn't even mention it until the subject came up.
So, at present I am sitting here, feeling a bit icky and feeling fairly sure my mouth doesn't usually produce such large quantities of saliva, and keeping fingers crossed that a genuine accident may just be possible.
Of course I am also trying to tell myself that it is probably all in my head lol.

Due on this weekend so will be spending this week madly trying to talk myself out of early testing.

hey you stuffedmk that's fantastic news!!! well fingers crossed. but he seems ok about the idea and that's the main thing. In my last chat with my DP a week ago i felt a glimmer of softening, really just a droplet of hope. but i spoke to a friend about it and she was saying she thought one child was more work cause you have to entertain them all the time. so i have decided that i am really going to pursue getting another baby. I would like to have my coil taken out in January. anyway i will let you know and please let me know after this weekend. My heart goes out to you and fingers crossed.