to those of you with only one child but not through choice...

[ellymae]

...and particularly to those whose partners have been the reason why you only have one child, how do you come to terms with the fact that you will never have the family set up that you always wanyed and dreamed about?

I have always wanted 2 children, or more importantly have never wanted just one child and i have no reason to believe that years ago my DH felt any differently. We have a wonderful DD who is 22mos and in an ideal world I would love to have another child within the next year. However, DH has made it clear that he doesn't feel he is capable of having any more children and the subject is pretty much closed.

Now I am not looking for help in trying to persuade him to change his mind as he has valid reasons that I don't really want to go into, I'm looking for help in how I can start to try and come to terms with his decision.

Does the pain of not being able to have more lessen over time, am I always going to be hit by reminders throughout life of the family I will never have?

I have read a number of the other threads about one child families and I know that in time I will come to appreciate the benefits of having only one but the pain is still quite raw for me, so if you could indulge me with some support that would be great

MadBad - Actually, I think the One Child Family topic is one of the most depressing on the board (and I was one of those who - several namechanges ago - requested it!). Just about every thread is about coming to terms with the disappointment of having only one child. Try starting a thread celebrating the one child family and see how quickly that turns sour.

I didn't say OP should snap out of it, T42 asked me a question and I replied.

How odd, Bullerby, because the Tea Room that you don't like mentioned started exactly because we wanted somewhere to celebrate having one child!

I don't think thoughtful post are sour and I don't think people are unhappy with the child they have. It is simply possible for some people (not all) to feel more than one emotion at a time

As the great Dolly Parton said, "laughing through tears is my favourite emotion!"

T42 I love Holland and Austria analogy!

Show DH this thread. Does he realise how much you're giving up by going along with his wishes?

I am really happy with my fabulous ds. However, there is part of me that is sad that he will never be able to prove what a good big brother he would be; I also worry about the pressure he might feel under to 'perform' - it certainly struck me, as an only, that my inlaws had grandchildren (bil's) but mine didn't... and there are so many other things similar - school etc.

Clearly, this doesn't bother some people - and it may never have crossed their minds.

There may be lots of other reasons for wishing for a second child (or third, or fourth).

I do find it insulting to have it suggested that, just becuase I really would have liked a second child, that I don't celebrate the fact that I have a child. After the problems I had related to ttc and getting to have ds, I would be the last to complain about having him - he is my miracle.

Bullerbychildren were you Mulanmum before? Hi, I remember you, if you were.

I think we all have similar stories ellymae. The point is that it takes time to accecpt the 'loss' and then to feel grateful for the child.
We are all tiptoeing through the tulips together in the tearoom - to quote Dolly again!
You are not alone

Lovely analogy t42 tu-lips to you, mwah mwah [big slobbery one]

Hi Zazen - yes tis me! Think I might go back to Mulanmum as some time has elapsed since the Time of The Thread of Which We Do Not Speak

Yes, hello, your posting style is familiar.
I think it's best not to re-visit old names - especially if people were upset, don't you think? New year and all.
TBH BBC I read your new name as bulliedbychildren initially - hope you're not being .
Did you do something special for the Chinese New Year?

I've never recognised anyone before from 'long'? ago
Does that make me (m)old-ish ?

ellymae - where are you going on holiday? Sounds very exciting!!!

bullerby, i think the tone of the thread is skewed because I deliberately aimed my question at mums who had not chosen to have just the one child. In time I will no doubt want to hear people celebrating the joys of just having one but that's not quite the support I need right now.

daisy you are absolutely right in swinging between the emotions of sheer joy with the child you have and despair that you might not get the chance to experience it again

T42 its not as glamorous as its sounds...we're going to Ibiza for 8 days in May. We've been to Ireland twice since dd was born to see family but have driven over in the car and been able to take everything but the kitchen sink. This time we'll be flying so I'll have to do some downsizing with the packing!! Only trouble is DD is allergic to cows milk (and a fussy eater as well) so I'm just wondering how we are going to manage food-wise. Still as I said in my earlier post, why worry today about things that are in the future. She's going to be retested for her allergy around her birthday so you never know she might have grown out of it by then.

Ibiza sounds lovely - enjoy!

We went to Tunis last year (as loads of mn know). We got into the routine of getting up quite late and hanging around the pension garden. The cleaner's little boy came with her and so dd and he became best friends for the week. I bet your little one finds a good little holiday friend too.

i didn't know about the tearoom, or rather, that's what is what about? have been here nearly 3 yrs and just thought it was 'chat'.

thanks

pc - it is just chat, but mostly with other people that also have onlies - so questions of whether you have sibling stand-ins, friends with siblings around, the best way of dealing with issues for onlies etc - no one is judgemental why you've got only one etc. See link below. It would be nice to see you there - do poke your head in - do a little bit of reading through first (if you can stand it) - you will see strands of reality woven in amongst the fantasy. Every one is very friendly there too!

Ellymae

I think we are all mentioning the tea room becase it has been an enormous help (to me, certainly) in accepting my perfect family of three and I don't find it negative at all.

We look at our pain and grief together so that we can move on. Most of the time we just have fun. One tea roomer said, 'we stand together so that we can hold each other up when we need to'. If we don't look at our feelings, face them and recognise them, we will never move on. It helps enormously to realise that others have felt/feel exactly as you do.

I quite understand that you feel that coming in would be tantamount to admitting that you will never have another child (although, really, it isn't). I used to get so angry with people telling me to 'accept it' before I was ready to. Simply admitting the possibility of never having another child would have been a sort of bereavement.

Just because some of us have chosen one child and are happy and some of us have had to come to accept and enjoy our mum-of-only status doesn't mean that you will have to. It just means that you can be happy, whatever happens.

Racingsnake - that is a beautiful post and very humbling.

Maybe got a bit over emotional there.

I heart racingsnake, she has a lovely way of putting things.

Hi Ellymae. I'm in exactly the same situation and my DD is 22 months too. Wish I'd dragged myself over to the tearoom before as I've had so many days where I look at DD playing on her own and desperately wish there was another bubba there with her. DH is 44 and is adamant he is too old for more kids, even though I'm 36. Wish I could just be grateful to have finally had a beautiful child after so many years of trying, but I just can't settle with it. Maybe I'll chat to you there when I head over to introduce myself.

brightongirl, that is a shame that your DH feels he is too old at 44! I have a friend who got together with a man who was nearly 60 - he had had his family, he said, but she was mid 30s and wanted children. They now have 3 - he is now 65 and couldn't be more thrilled with his new family. But each to his own, I guess.

Ellymae. My ds is 15 months and my dh doesn't want another either. Without sounding horrible ds wasn't planned and while he loves him to bits, he doesn't another kid. I went through a really horrible pg and ds was prem.

Ds was in NICU and SCBU too for a month and I didn't get to hold him until a day later and it's awful. No first cuddles, having to go up and down to 'visit' your baby and asking permission to hold them. I know how heartbreaking it is.

I would love have another but I respect dh doesn't. It's difficult though.

"Just about every thread is about coming to terms with the disappointment of having only one child. Try starting a thread celebrating the one child family and see how quickly that turns sour."

That's probably because if you do start a thread celebrating the one child family people immediately come onto it and start on with all the old cliched crap of how will the poor only child cope alone with his/her aged parents or how sad that they will never experience the joy and fulfillemnt of having siblings. Another take on it is to trot out all the hackneyed old stereotypes about only children being weird/odd/selfish/spoilt/or socially and/or emotionally retarded etc.

I admit that there are not too many around here like me who have had an intentional only child but when I opened a thread enquiring about it, there did appear to be about 14 of us.

Whilst I am more than happy to smugly celebrate my wonderfully perfect small family to ayoe who'd care to listen I realise that I may do so at my peril. It seems there are no end of people on this site who will happily crawl out of the woodwork to piss on my bonfire!

As I concluded on the thread to which I referred to above, it doesn't appear that there are too many people who do have intentional only children so inevitably there will be a lot of people around with just one child who do feel sad and unfulfilled at not having more. That's a fact but if people want to have a dedicated place to come where they can discuss any issues around having an only child without fear of judgement why on earth should that bother anyone else? Who is is hurting?

It's simple Bullerbychildren, if you think this is such a miserable board - don't bother to visit it. I'm sure you won't be missed if you don't.

I second what Gunnerbean said Bullerbychildren. Especially the part about you not being missed on this thread. Or anywhere, actually.

Ellymae, I wish I could think of something to make you feel better but I can't. So I'm passing the tearoom rabbit on to you.
And a few hugs.

Who the hell are you samestuff?? I've never heard of you so wouldn't miss you either

All I've said is that I wish there could be SOME positivity on this board. Take a look at the list of threads in the onlies section - it's one sad dilemma after another. Whilst there's a place for that here we should also be able to concentrate on the positives of being a one child family. But if we try then people "piss on our bonfire" as Gunners put it. By way of contrast look at the Larger Families board where there is lots of fun and laughter. Admittedly most are larger families by choice however there are plenty of lone child families by choice but we don't have a voice here. I think most avoid this board because it is depressing.

Instead of hurling unwarranted personal insults at me you should ask why we can't have positive discussions about onlies.

Bullers

I have seen positive discussions about onlies. However, this particular thread was from a mumsnetter asking for support. As such, your interjections have not been particularly sensitive. I think that's what people are trying to point out.

For many people, having a single child has not been a choice, whereas, having a larger family has been. Of course the two areas are going to be different therefore.

I applaud you for being completely and utterly comfortable with your single child. Maybe that's a position that we will all get to one day. However, it may not be. There is room for both views, however. In the meantime, perhaps those of us who are here without choice want and need time to reflect, consider, grieve and talk, before we are able to move on.

Bullerby/Nellie

Not for the first time, the problem here seems to be that you can't really hear what other people are saying. They are expressing some painful emotions and the tone of your remarks is 'Get over yourself. One is fun'. Well, yes, it certainly is for you, for me and for many others. But slapping down those who feel differently doesn't help them and just creates the spiteful atmosphere that some of us linger in the tea room to avoid.

If you think there should be more threads saying 'three cheers for the only child' then the answer is in your hands.

Truly - oh, you are so wise
SameDay - good use of the rabbit
Littlefish - how is the house?