to those of you with only one child but not through choice...

[ellymae]

...and particularly to those whose partners have been the reason why you only have one child, how do you come to terms with the fact that you will never have the family set up that you always wanyed and dreamed about?

I have always wanted 2 children, or more importantly have never wanted just one child and i have no reason to believe that years ago my DH felt any differently. We have a wonderful DD who is 22mos and in an ideal world I would love to have another child within the next year. However, DH has made it clear that he doesn't feel he is capable of having any more children and the subject is pretty much closed.

Now I am not looking for help in trying to persuade him to change his mind as he has valid reasons that I don't really want to go into, I'm looking for help in how I can start to try and come to terms with his decision.

Does the pain of not being able to have more lessen over time, am I always going to be hit by reminders throughout life of the family I will never have?

I have read a number of the other threads about one child families and I know that in time I will come to appreciate the benefits of having only one but the pain is still quite raw for me, so if you could indulge me with some support that would be great

[NellieKnott]

Thank you, Gunners. I appreciate your thoughtful post.

[Gunnerbean]

Bullersbychildren/NellieKnott, I feel I must apologise to you most wholeheartedly because on reading my post I feel it was very harsh -and particularly the last bit where I said you wouldn't be missed if you didn't come here again .

I now realise that you and I are of the same view in wishing that there were a few more of us around here who are happy to shout from the rooftops that we are more than happy have just one child by choice.

I have to say that I don't resent the presence of people on this board whose experience of having just one child is somewhat tinged with sadness or regret. I guess that both you and I just have to realise that, like it or not, we are very much in a minority in wanting just one child.

As I said on this thread here:

this thread

(which I'm not sure if you contributed to), I very much believe that the experience of having one child by choice and the experience of having it thrust upon you by circumstances beyond your control can be vastly different experiences.

In many ways, I have come to the conclusion sicne being around this board for a few weeks that a lot of the issues that arise on the one parent family board could just as easily be dealt with on an infertility board. This is because infertility seems to be an issue which crops up time and time again with regard to the issue of one child families (what with it seeming to be the primary cause of why a lot of people end up with a one child family).

However, I do find that as infertility has nothing whatsoever to do with why I have just one child that I often don't find I have much in common with many of the parents of only children here. I don't share some of the feelings they have and I have never been through the range of emotions that they have. There's nothing wrong in that, it's just that we've had different expereinces. So in that respect, I don't always feel that parents of only children are that much of a homogenous group.

In that sense, having just one child is not what gives us something in common - rather, it's what's informed that decision that does.

I think that this is not something that can be said to happen with regard to people who have 3 children instead of 2, or 4 children instead of 2 or 3 (IYSWIM) because it's only having just one child which seems to evoke the negative feelings that it does.

I have rambled a bit but I hope you get what I mean.

Anyway, I am so glad to find another person who has just one child by choice and is perfectly happy and comfortable with that choice.

[TrulyMadBadandDeeply]

I heart the rabbit - does s/he have a name?

[Littlefish]

We posted an offer today to the estate agent

We'll just have to wait and see now, but they will undoubtedly turn down our first offer.

We have someone coming round for a second viewing of our current house on Wednesday

[daisy99divine]

Truly - oh, you are so wise
SameDay - good use of the rabbit
Littlefish - how is the house?

[TrulyMadBadandDeeply]

Bullerby/Nellie

Not for the first time, the problem here seems to be that you can't really hear what other people are saying. They are expressing some painful emotions and the tone of your remarks is 'Get over yourself. One is fun'. Well, yes, it certainly is for you, for me and for many others. But slapping down those who feel differently doesn't help them and just creates the spiteful atmosphere that some of us linger in the tea room to avoid.

If you think there should be more threads saying 'three cheers for the only child' then the answer is in your hands.

[Littlefish]

I have seen positive discussions about onlies. However, this particular thread was from a mumsnetter asking for support. As such, your interjections have not been particularly sensitive. I think that's what people are trying to point out.

For many people, having a single child has not been a choice, whereas, having a larger family has been. Of course the two areas are going to be different therefore.

I applaud you for being completely and utterly comfortable with your single child. Maybe that's a position that we will all get to one day. However, it may not be. There is room for both views, however. In the meantime, perhaps those of us who are here without choice want and need time to reflect, consider, grieve and talk, before we are able to move on.

[NellieKnott]

Who the hell are you samestuff?? I've never heard of you so wouldn't miss you either

All I've said is that I wish there could be SOME positivity on this board. Take a look at the list of threads in the onlies section - it's one sad dilemma after another. Whilst there's a place for that here we should also be able to concentrate on the positives of being a one child family. But if we try then people "piss on our bonfire" as Gunners put it. By way of contrast look at the Larger Families board where there is lots of fun and laughter. Admittedly most are larger families by choice however there are plenty of lone child families by choice but we don't have a voice here. I think most avoid this board because it is depressing.

Instead of hurling unwarranted personal insults at me you should ask why we can't have positive discussions about onlies.

Bullers

[samestuffdifferentday]

I second what Gunnerbean said Bullerbychildren. Especially the part about you not being missed on this thread. Or anywhere, actually.

Ellymae, I wish I could think of something to make you feel better but I can't. So I'm passing the tearoom rabbit on to you.
And a few hugs.

[Gunnerbean]

"Just about every thread is about coming to terms with the disappointment of having only one child. Try starting a thread celebrating the one child family and see how quickly that turns sour."

That's probably because if you do start a thread celebrating the one child family people immediately come onto it and start on with all the old cliched crap of how will the poor only child cope alone with his/her aged parents or how sad that they will never experience the joy and fulfillemnt of having siblings. Another take on it is to trot out all the hackneyed old stereotypes about only children being weird/odd/selfish/spoilt/or socially and/or emotionally retarded etc.

I admit that there are not too many around here like me who have had an intentional only child but when I opened a thread enquiring about it, there did appear to be about 14 of us.

Whilst I am more than happy to smugly celebrate my wonderfully perfect small family to ayoe who'd care to listen I realise that I may do so at my peril. It seems there are no end of people on this site who will happily crawl out of the woodwork to piss on my bonfire!

As I concluded on the thread to which I referred to above, it doesn't appear that there are too many people who do have intentional only children so inevitably there will be a lot of people around with just one child who do feel sad and unfulfilled at not having more. That's a fact but if people want to have a dedicated place to come where they can discuss any issues around having an only child without fear of judgement why on earth should that bother anyone else? Who is is hurting?

It's simple Bullerbychildren, if you think this is such a miserable board - don't bother to visit it. I'm sure you won't be missed if you don't.

[trixiethepixie]

Ellymae. My ds is 15 months and my dh doesn't want another either. Without sounding horrible ds wasn't planned and while he loves him to bits, he doesn't another kid. I went through a really horrible pg and ds was prem.

Ds was in NICU and SCBU too for a month and I didn't get to hold him until a day later and it's awful. No first cuddles, having to go up and down to 'visit' your baby and asking permission to hold them. I know how heartbreaking it is.

I would love have another but I respect dh doesn't. It's difficult though.

[ThumbLoveWitch]

brightongirl, that is a shame that your DH feels he is too old at 44! I have a friend who got together with a man who was nearly 60 - he had had his family, he said, but she was mid 30s and wanted children. They now have 3 - he is now 65 and couldn't be more thrilled with his new family. But each to his own, I guess.

[brightongirldownunder]

Hi Ellymae. I'm in exactly the same situation and my DD is 22 months too. Wish I'd dragged myself over to the tearoom before as I've had so many days where I look at DD playing on her own and desperately wish there was another bubba there with her. DH is 44 and is adamant he is too old for more kids, even though I'm 36. Wish I could just be grateful to have finally had a beautiful child after so many years of trying, but I just can't settle with it. Maybe I'll chat to you there when I head over to introduce myself.

[Jacksmama]

I heart racingsnake, she has a lovely way of putting things.

[Racingsnake]

Maybe got a bit over emotional there.

[MadBadandDangerousToKnow]

Racingsnake - that is a beautiful post and very humbling.

[Racingsnake]

Ellymae

I think we are all mentioning the tea room becase it has been an enormous help (to me, certainly) in accepting my perfect family of three and I don't find it negative at all.

We look at our pain and grief together so that we can move on. Most of the time we just have fun. One tea roomer said, 'we stand together so that we can hold each other up when we need to'. If we don't look at our feelings, face them and recognise them, we will never move on. It helps enormously to realise that others have felt/feel exactly as you do.

I quite understand that you feel that coming in would be tantamount to admitting that you will never have another child (although, really, it isn't). I used to get so angry with people telling me to 'accept it' before I was ready to. Simply admitting the possibility of never having another child would have been a sort of bereavement.

Just because some of us have chosen one child and are happy and some of us have had to come to accept and enjoy our mum-of-only status doesn't mean that you will have to. It just means that you can be happy, whatever happens.

[mistlethrush]

pc - it is just chat, but mostly with other people that also have onlies - so questions of whether you have sibling stand-ins, friends with siblings around, the best way of dealing with issues for onlies etc - no one is judgemental why you've got only one etc. See link below. It would be nice to see you there - do poke your head in - do a little bit of reading through first (if you can stand it) - you will see strands of reality woven in amongst the fantasy. Every one is very friendly there too!

[piratecat]

i didn't know about the tearoom, or rather, that's what is what about? have been here nearly 3 yrs and just thought it was 'chat'.

thanks

[teafortwo]

Ibiza sounds lovely - enjoy!

We went to Tunis last year (as loads of mn know). We got into the routine of getting up quite late and hanging around the pension garden. The cleaner's little boy came with her and so dd and he became best friends for the week. I bet your little one finds a good little holiday friend too.

[ellymae]

bullerby, i think the tone of the thread is skewed because I deliberately aimed my question at mums who had not chosen to have just the one child. In time I will no doubt want to hear people celebrating the joys of just having one but that's not quite the support I need right now.

daisy you are absolutely right in swinging between the emotions of sheer joy with the child you have and despair that you might not get the chance to experience it again

T42 its not as glamorous as its sounds...we're going to Ibiza for 8 days in May. We've been to Ireland twice since dd was born to see family but have driven over in the car and been able to take everything but the kitchen sink. This time we'll be flying so I'll have to do some downsizing with the packing!! Only trouble is DD is allergic to cows milk (and a fussy eater as well) so I'm just wondering how we are going to manage food-wise. Still as I said in my earlier post, why worry today about things that are in the future. She's going to be retested for her allergy around her birthday so you never know she might have grown out of it by then.

[teafortwo]

ellymae - where are you going on holiday? Sounds very exciting!!!

[zazen]

Yes, hello, your posting style is familiar.
I think it's best not to re-visit old names - especially if people were upset, don't you think? New year and all.
TBH BBC I read your new name as bulliedbychildren initially - hope you're not being .
Did you do something special for the Chinese New Year?

I've never recognised anyone before from 'long'? ago
Does that make me (m)old-ish ?

[Bullerbychildren]

Hi Zazen - yes tis me! Think I might go back to Mulanmum as some time has elapsed since the Time of The Thread of Which We Do Not Speak

[zazen]

Bullerbychildren were you Mulanmum before? Hi, I remember you, if you were.

I think we all have similar stories ellymae. The point is that it takes time to accecpt the 'loss' and then to feel grateful for the child.
We are all tiptoeing through the tulips together in the tearoom - to quote Dolly again!
You are not alone

Lovely analogy t42 tu-lips to you, mwah mwah [big slobbery one]