to those of you with only one child but not through choice...

[ellymae]

...and particularly to those whose partners have been the reason why you only have one child, how do you come to terms with the fact that you will never have the family set up that you always wanyed and dreamed about?

I have always wanted 2 children, or more importantly have never wanted just one child and i have no reason to believe that years ago my DH felt any differently. We have a wonderful DD who is 22mos and in an ideal world I would love to have another child within the next year. However, DH has made it clear that he doesn't feel he is capable of having any more children and the subject is pretty much closed.

Now I am not looking for help in trying to persuade him to change his mind as he has valid reasons that I don't really want to go into, I'm looking for help in how I can start to try and come to terms with his decision.

Does the pain of not being able to have more lessen over time, am I always going to be hit by reminders throughout life of the family I will never have?

I have read a number of the other threads about one child families and I know that in time I will come to appreciate the benefits of having only one but the pain is still quite raw for me, so if you could indulge me with some support that would be great

[Buda]

Hi ellymae - has your DH said why he doesn't want another? For my DH it was because he didn't really 'get' much out of DS til DS was a bit older. Certainly wasn't overly hands on when DS was a baby. Now he is a fab Dad and totally adores DS. I think HE regrets not having another one too. That may be worth talking about with your DH.

If you can get some counselling together it may help with talking things out and acceptance of wherever you go from here.

[Bullerbychildren]

A plea. Can tearoom devotees limit their plugs/invites to one per thread instead of hijacking every one-child discussion.

Thank you

[Littlefish]

Why? I don't visit the tearoom, but I don't have a problem with the inhabitants inviting as many people as they like, as often as they like. They're just being friendly!

[mistlethrush]

Thanks LF!!! ... you know you'd always be welcome!!!

[daisy99divine]

Bullerby
Sorry, I really hadn't thought that being invited onto another thread could be annoying

I only came onto Elly's thread because T42 put in a link, so it sort of made sense to explain where I had come from, but I can see it might have been irritating for you

seriously, I wasn't trying to hijack the thread, just often issues take more than one thread's life to think about or ruminate upon - no offence meant and sorry Elly (or anyone else) if you have felt bullied at all

[Bullerbychildren]

Just a plea - feel free to ignore!

[boccadellaverita]

Bullerbychildren

Nobody's trying to hijack or curtail anyone's discussion. The reason we mention the tea room so often, I guess, is that it can be a place to mull over or return to issues without starting a new thread. Some people have found that helpful. And (speaking for myself) I wanted to dispel any notion that the tea room was the sort of long-running thread where you have to have been in from day one and newcomers are ignored. Hence the open invitations.

I'm sorry if any of that bugs you.

[teafortwo]

Bullerbychildren - The big criticism of the 'one child family' topic was it would be non-inclusive. As a result of this we have been eager to be as inclusive as possible. Maybe a little too eager when it comes to the tearoom! - I am really sorry to have annoyed you!

I suppose, I feel particularly bad for starting all this! It has been mentioned lots on this particular thread because I really felt for ellymae but didn't have the experience to help her so I put a link in the tearoom - because I knew some of the mners that hang out 'in there' would be in a perfect position to offer advice. They hopped over... and tearoom invites and cross-referencing followed!

I am so sad to have annoyed you in doing this... it never occurred to me we would be annoying anyone and am deeply sad it did!

Buda - What a story you and your husband have! I hope you don't mind I had a sneaky peak at your profile... your ds is a real 100% smasher and a million times over worthy of all the traveling to the IVF clinic and treatment you did!!! Bravo you in having such a fantastic fun loving boy!

Littlefish - Any developments on the house? I've been thinking of you lots! You must be absolutely on the edge of your seat!!!!

Lastly, and very importantly - Ellymae - please tell us... How are you feeling now?

[Buda]

teafortwo - I don't mind you looking at my profile at all - that's what it's there for! Thanks for comments re DS. He is a smasher. My beautiful boy (although he is at the 7 going on 13 stage now - all cheek and eye-rolling and muttering 'whatever'!)

[Littlefish]

Snow permitting, DH is going with the builders and the estate agent up to the house today to try and get a really rough idea of how much all the necessary work will cost. Once we've got an idea, we will know whether we can afford to put in an offer. We've got a private viewer coming to look round here on Saturday, so I'll be off to buy lots of lots of flowers!

The house was looking particularly beautiful in the snow when I drove past it yesterday. .

[mistlethrush]

Lf good luck with house issues today - hope it all goes smoothly.

[Bullerbychildren]

T42 and Bocca -I'm not annoyed (hence the in my previous post). Just one plug per thread is all I ask!

I've been in the tearoom and it's too busy for me, I don't see any relevant discussions just lots of talk about muffins and George Clooney. It looks great fun but far too chaotic for this mum of an only .

[teafortwo]

Littlefish - I think you should light the fire, have lots of flowers, bake something just before they come over and... brew coffee!

When my Mum sold her place, she did this every time, and everytime she got an offer!

• Funny hey?

[boccadellaverita]

Bullerbychildren - What you find in the tea room depends on when you drop in. People initiate a discussion of a non-muffin, non-Clooney issue as and when they feel the need Which is quite often. Chacun a son gout!

[teafortwo]

Bullerbychildren - ok, point taken and understood.... so... so....

Anyway... I was wondering, what would you do if you were ellymae? Have you got any ideas, similar stories or thoughts to give her?

[daisy99divine]

LittleFish
I too have been thinking about your house, I so know the feeling of something else to focus on and think about. Stopping thinking about having a child is almost a bereavement in itself

Good luck on the weekend and let us know how you get on

Elly - are you still there and ok?

[amber32002]

Well, we only have the one lad, and I was certainly very sad indeed that there wouldn't be more. It was quite a story, involving ectopic pregnancy, arthritis and a consultant who told me that having another child was a Bad Thing. Not to mention that dh and I are both ASD, which means there is so much more planning and coping to get to the same success as others can manage.

Did the pain go? Yes. Have we got a lovely, well adjusted lad? Yes. Has he ever asked about having a brother or sister? Yes, but it hasn't devastated him. He has good friends that more than compensate for it, and a family who are always there for him when he needs us.

Holidays? We share with friends.

It works.

[mistlethrush]

Amber

[ellymae]

thanks again for your replies. Right now I am battling with the worst case of sinusitis I have ever had and feel like I need to chop my head off! It's not helped that the in-laws (only babysitters near us) are away on holiday this week so I am trying to cope with an active toddler at the same time. Good job I've only got one to deal with really!!

Amber its good to hear that things work out and I know that should we not have more children then we will make it work out too. DH has very valid reasons why he doesn't feel he could cope with more but you could largely say that they boil down to fear. Fear of conception, pregnancy, health risks etc to name but a few and I know that given the opportunity to talk things through in the right environment he could potentially come to terms with his fears. That is obviously for us to work on, and the reason for coming on here was I just needed to start preparing myself for the eventuality that he doesn't.

I think the best coping strategy I can employ is to do what I did when DD spent all that time in the NNU - that is take 1 day at a time. She's not 2 yet so although she is naturally facinated by babies and sees her friends with baby brothers and sisters she hasn't reached the age of wondering why she doesn't have one. So why worry now about what I'm going to say to her when she asks? We're only just going to be taking our first overseas holiday this year and we'll be too busy soaking up the experience with her so why worry about how I'm going to cope when she gets bored of having to spend 2 weeks with just mum and dad for company

for me, knowing the kind of person I am, the heartache will always be there but I will just learn to deal with it better

thanks again for sharing your stories, it really does help to know that other people understand how I feel. Right, DD is having her afternoon kip and so I think I'm going to go and have one too!

[mistlethrush]

... 'some children have brothers adn sisters - they have to share mummy and daddy - but you've got me all to yourself'

?

[Bullerbychildren]

T42 - not really any to offer ellymae. My opinion is one child is perfect, cherish what you have and don't waste time nuturing any hurt you have. But that doesn't go down well on this topic where popular opinion seems to be one child = not enough, not fulfilling, not normal

[MadBadandDangerousToKnow]

Bullerby - Have you actually read much of this topic? Or really attended to what people are saying on it?

I think probably the majority of people agree with you that we should cherish what we have and not dwell on what we don't. Lots of people have said something similar in the past and I can't see any evidence that their views haven't gone down well, even if not everyone agrees with them. It takes time, however, to reach the kind of acceptance you describe and I don't think it's helpful or supportive to insinuate that anyone who is still feeling disappointment or pain at not having another baby should just snap out of it. Better, I would have thought, to offer them some constructive ideas or even just a bit of empathy.

Nor, as far as I can see, is it popular opinion on this topic that one child = not enough, not fulfilling, not normal. Some people obviously do feel like that but rather more (as far as I can tell) feel that one child = quite enough (especially if there have been fertility or miscarriage problems along the way), very fulfilling and perfectly normal (although not the average or norm).

[Littlefish]

Saw the house again today and have fallen completely in love with it. We're going to put in an offer on Monday, but it will be a very low offer because of the ridiculous amount of structural work that needs to be done before the house is safe to live in. The vendors will just laugh at our offer, I suspect

[cmotdibbler]

You can but offer though - in the current climate, I doubt that they will get that many offers on a house that needs serious work doing. We made an outrageous offer on a house that needed a lot of work, and they turned it down in a good market as it had only been on a week. We noted that it actually sold for the same amount in the end

It's a shame the meetup has been postponed - was hoping you'd have house pics to hand roung

[teafortwo]

madbad - what an interesting post.

I like to think of family size as a plane destination to a new place to live.

If you want to live in Holland and your plane lands in Holland and it is as great as you thought it would be - then you will feel your life is next to perfect and idyllic.

If you wanted to live in Austria, but, there was some change of plan during flight and the plane lands in Holland instead, and there is no chance of getting to Austria, in-fact there is no way out of Holland - you have to live in Holland - you are bound to cry for Austria, feel bad when your friends in Austria e-mail to tell you how great the skiing is and to find out when you are joining them and it will take some time to notice the windmills, the tulips, the kindness of the people and the beauty of Holland. Of course it is a different kind of beauty to Austria but it is still extremely beautiful.

What if on-top of all that you keep hearing rumours that there might be a way of getting to Austria - but it will be a difficult journey and could be dangerous.... and anyway after falling for Holland you worry that Austria might not be as great as you originally thought it could be....

Yes - that is how I think about family size.... [pondering emotion]