So worried I am going to regret having only one child

[rivadiva]

DH and I have DS who is nearly five.

We always thought we would have another but we both found the adjustment to parenthood difficult. Looking back, think I was depressed TBH. Two years past, then three and here we are at four and a bit years and we still haven't gone for number two.

We love DS so much (even though he has a few "issues" and can be very demanding and challenging). Life is pretty good in lots of ways and we are a great little family unit.

However, there is a little voice in my head that won't go away. I can't seem to close the door on having another baby. It's as if because I always thought I would have another and the intention was always there, my brain won't accept that it's not happening IYSWIM.

In my heart of hearts I would like to have another and have always seen myself with a daughter (no guarantees obviously). I always look at families of four and wonder how it feels. I just feel as if I would be more complete somehow.

Obviously, time is not on my side and the age gap with DS would be quite big so not great for him in terms of having a playmate.

The stupid thing is, I don't even like the baby/toddler stage. Found it incredibly hard and dull. In moments of head banging frustration (which all parents have I know), I've even thought parenthood is totally overrated. I'm just not sure if I could go through it again-think I would go insane.

I was even thinking should I adopt. There are so many older children out there who need a loving home (DH wouldn't consider it though).

All these thoughts go round and round in my end. I have talked it through with friends but I just can't seem to take the "plunge" as it were!

Has anyone ever felt like this and had another or not and regretted it? Or have two with a big age gap?

Can anyone help me make sense of this? Or even better-tell me what to do because I am incapable of doing anything. I feel like I am frozen and can't say "no, that part of my life is over" or "yes, let's try for another".

why would someone have a baby when they have bickering, marriage problems and money problems? They say this is for the sibling, or for them as they just can't face closing the door, but what about the child they bring into the world.? Into a money tight, tired, depressed argumentitive house hold.. It reeks of selfishness on the mothers part to me. It's all want want want. As a human race we don't need any of your Sophia's or Lilly's , Maxes or Harrisons. What you are doing is purely for yourself, for your own need for love, a role, a place. What for a world is this to be born into with old parents?

Bit harsh! Did you get out of bed on the wrong side of bed this morning!

Blimey mountains...what upset you?

Surely posters can raise their valid concerns about big life changing decisions and the impact on their life without fear of being attacked? Isn't that the very point of mumsnet to talk honestly with people about things we might not be able to discuss with people in real life? To try and find support and helpful advice from people who might be struggling through the same thing or have done in the past

anyway thanks for your comments .. v helpful.. I'm sure all the "old selfish mums" on this thread who have had the odd argument with their dh and normal money worries feel massively enriched by your damning comments ...

Hi Rivadiva,

Not sure if you’ll still be on here being almost 10 years in but just been reading all of these posts as I’m now in exactly the same position and in limbo about what to do for the best. Would be interested to know if you ended up going for it or not and how things are for you now??

@Willduncme83.. hi, I too started reading this thread not realising it's 10 years old! It looks like @rivadiva has gone which is sad as I would have loved to know whether she eventually decided to go for dc2. By the sound of her last post she had found peace in her one dc and didn't want to risk rocking the boat. I'm in the same boat as Riva. DS is 5 and I'm battling with guilt about just having one but he hates the idea of a baby in the house and at 46 time has almost run out ..although I'm sure I'm still ovulating I'm terrified of trying as there are so many risks and things are perfect how they are

@BooseysMom yeah I think she must have gone.....I know what you mean, our DS is 3, 4 in July and whenever I mention possible babies he’s less than impressed! We’re so so close too I’m so scared of losing that bond we have and like you say everything is so much easier now.....relationship strains, finances, routine, sleep lol!! Do I rock the boat and just go for it or just be happy with what we have?? Such a hard decision as I constantly have that niggle which I don’t think will ever go away. I’m 36 this year too so feel like if we’re going to do it, it needs to be now or never.

@Willduncme83... i feel sort of guilty mentioning babies and big brothers to DS as it's projecting my worries on to him. I just hope that he won't turn round in later life and blame me for not having a sibling. But I don't think he will as my family aren't close so he doesn't have experience of relatives. We've toyed with the idea of getting him a dog but are not really in the position to get one..same as another DC really. But i think at 36 you have a good few years left to decide. I was 41 when I had DS and regret leaving it so late but the right time never presented itself. What would be your main fear of having another? Mine is obv my age and my DH being out of work currently. So it's going to be just us three by the look of it.
Good luck xx

I do. I had my only lateish in life and didn't want any more until recently ... so the realisation came to me much later.. all the very good practical reasons for stopping at one that I've clung to for the last few years have been suddenly overwhelmed by emotional and probably hormonal thoughts that I should have tried for another and now it's probably too late. It feels like every month my body is going are you sure? Are you really sure? I am going to try now but I think it will be very unlikely to happen given my age and dh's reluctance

Good luck! I think my advice would be you will never know if you made the right decision but if you have a nagging feeling that won't go away and you are thinking about it every day like I was you probably aren't done and should get on with it before it's too late

@BooseysMom I bet your DC will be absolutely fine if you just stuck with one....to be honest I’m an only child and loved it and have never really craved siblings and I think it’s meant that me and my folks are really close which I love. This is another reason I’m so torn as I know if we stick with one I know we can afford the holidays for him, classes, nice things, quality time together etc where as if we have another he will miss out on a lot of this and I’ll feel guilty but then at the same time I worry that he’ll resent us in later life for not having another sibling (which is silly after what I just said about me being an only child)
I do get broody though too so it’s not just for him that I want a second, it does make me a bit sad to think I’d never do all of that again however I know the strain it put on us as a couple last time and to do that again worries me.
Ahhhhhh honestly I feel like I just go round in circles!! One min I’ve definitely decided let’s go for it....you only regret what you don’t do after all, and then a few hours later I’m like no we can’t...too much change/stress/worry!! Just feel like we need to decide so I can stop thinking about it although I do feel like if we don’t that the niggle will always be there

@yesaha.. I feel the same ..I have crazy hormonal surges and I'm only guessing I'm still ovulating but at nearly 47 I'm really risking too much. So stopping at one is the only option I think. I wanted to wish you luck for the future whatever you decide.

@Willduncme83.. you are making complete sense with what you say. I feel exactly all the same things. Its like a constant battle between hormones and reality!! I know we can't have another and things are perfect as they are and yet there's that annoying niggle that just won't go away!!. I feel even more of a strong surge every cycle now and worry about what they say about the possibility of conceiving twins when you're over 40. Omg what a bloody dilemma it is!!

Is rivadiva still around? I would love to know what she decided as everything resonates with me

Does anyone go from thinking I really want a baby to this is not the best idea? I have spent a long time deciding to try for another .. hence my age! And I can go from thinking yes this is absolutely the best thing to do to omg this is scary and I'm opening myself up to loads of pain, worry and stress .. in the space of a day!

I definitely think hormones have an effect because I feel very strongly around ovulation time that this is absolutely the right thing to do and then my worries kick in after that and I think just be grateful for what you've got...

If only I could stop worrying!

@BooseysMom it really is a dilemma! I guess as people keep saying to me what will be will be....and we’re very lucky to have the DC that we have, just sometimes wish I could switch my brain of from thinking about it 🙈🙈
@Hmmm123 literally that is me everyday, from one extreme to the other!

@Wilduncme83. I'm an only too and v close to parents. I think that has influenced my decision ...

@hmmm123 & @Wilduncme83... don't know about you but I've spent years in this dilemma and the fact I had DS is a miracle seeing as I was too scared to dtd more than a couple times each cycle! So I'm back in the same place now as 5-6 years ago as ttc no.2 is just not happening..and I really think that it's because I'm just not even sure I want another just as I was unsure about having kids right from the start! Does that make sense? Sorry to go on! I'm on a over 40 ttc thread and most the time feel like I shouldn't even be on it as i'm just not trying hard enough! I've just left the whole thing to fate which is why I'm 47 next month and only have the one! I'm an only too btw and love it

I'm in exactly the same position. Age 42 so time not on my side. Daughter age 4 years 5 months. Hated pregnancy with constant nausea and vomiting for 6 months. Ok birth but lasting birth problems. Husband ill with chronic fatigue for first 2 years. My daughter is such a dream. Happy little soul who never tantrums and sleeps and eats well. Yet can't shake off this feeling i may regret not having another. Although i am old and it took us a year to conceive my daughter anyway.

Hi, I have been in your shoes and posted on it a lot on here. Thread is called dithering something. I took the plunge last year, at 40. My baby is 6mnths now and the age gap is 6yrs. It’s been so hard but im grateful every single day that I took the plunge.

@lndnmummy thanks for posting and congratulations! How are you finding it? How is your 6 year old coping with a newborn? So lovely to hear that you’re glad you just went for it xx

@Perdita14... I hear you completely! I also can't shake off the feeling I'll never have another. We've been ttc for 3 years and nothing. We have an amazing son who's 5 and am now coming to terms with the fact he'll be a only child. This time i was convinced I was preg as I had very strong signs but now as time progresses i know it isn't and AF is coming. I have awful pmt and keep crying all the time! I had a great pregnancy the worse thing being heartburn but the birth was terrible and resulted in epiostomy and a 3rd degree tear. I was prepped for an emergency c section and so I can't even remember holding DS for the first time. I had to be stitched back up and have lasting pelvic floor issues. How was your birth? Sorry you don't have to talk about if if you don't want to. I always said that if I did it all again it would be so different. I'm 46 so unlikely now xx

Hi boosey. I feel for you secondary infertility is really tough. I work with ivf patients so see it all the time. My birth was fairly standard. Ventouse and second degree tear. A month after i got a fissure and it just wouldn't heal. Ended up in colorectal department and it finally healed. But bowels have never been the same since. I get hormonal constipation suddenly and that can often reopen the fissure. Happy days! Its a lot better now 4 years later. Actually just remembering all that is making me feel crazy for considering a second. You should try acupuncture for PMT. It works wonders.

P.s. I too was not even sure i wanted any kids at all. I really struggled with it because i knew it would totally consume me and it did. Every decision brings grief no matter which way you swing.

@Perdita14.. thank you for the tip about acupuncture. Sorry to hear about your fissure. Mine is just plain old pelvic floor although the tear went right into my back passage and the cocktail of laxatives they gave me at the hosp got me my own room!! They thought I had noro virus and closed the ward! I lost count of the number of times I said "never again". None of the midwives believed me tho!
Whatever you decide will have good and bad points. At 42 you're not too old though. You sound like me in that I was never sure and left it down to fate. I was never going to have ivf or anything. But the secondary infertility is mostly my fault for not trying harder. You say you feel you're crazy for considering another! I totally get that. It would def have to be c section if I did. But at 47 next month it won't happen and I'm terrified of anything happening if I did conceive. There's no easy answer is there?!

I always liked the idea of a second, and felt like it was something I should want, but I just didn't and could only see it making life more difficult and stressful. But there was always a bit of nagging doubt. Then a pregnancy scare, and the complete and utter terror that came with it when I felt like I was going to have to face something I knew I didn't really want. Thankfully I wasn't and the relief was overwhelming! No more nagging doubt. One can be perfect, and mine is. Also watching a friend's marriage crumble at the moment contributed to by the strain of a second, who doesn't get on at all with the first ☹️. So grateful for what I have.

Thanks for that RD. I suppose there is always the niggling doubt.. should we have another? Prob for mums with two too. It just seems more of an issue for us who have just the one and the decision seems bigger

@hmmm123.. hi! I've just left a msg on the 40+ ttc thread. I'm in the same position as you as we have one DC. The decision is a huge one and I totally understand how you feel. AF has struck and I just know I can't do this any more. This thread here is great for support though and you can always pm me if you need a friend. Good luck x