So worried I am going to regret having only one child

[rivadiva]

DH and I have DS who is nearly five.

We always thought we would have another but we both found the adjustment to parenthood difficult. Looking back, think I was depressed TBH. Two years past, then three and here we are at four and a bit years and we still haven't gone for number two.

We love DS so much (even though he has a few "issues" and can be very demanding and challenging). Life is pretty good in lots of ways and we are a great little family unit.

However, there is a little voice in my head that won't go away. I can't seem to close the door on having another baby. It's as if because I always thought I would have another and the intention was always there, my brain won't accept that it's not happening IYSWIM.

In my heart of hearts I would like to have another and have always seen myself with a daughter (no guarantees obviously). I always look at families of four and wonder how it feels. I just feel as if I would be more complete somehow.

Obviously, time is not on my side and the age gap with DS would be quite big so not great for him in terms of having a playmate.

The stupid thing is, I don't even like the baby/toddler stage. Found it incredibly hard and dull. In moments of head banging frustration (which all parents have I know), I've even thought parenthood is totally overrated. I'm just not sure if I could go through it again-think I would go insane.

I was even thinking should I adopt. There are so many older children out there who need a loving home (DH wouldn't consider it though).

All these thoughts go round and round in my end. I have talked it through with friends but I just can't seem to take the "plunge" as it were!

Has anyone ever felt like this and had another or not and regretted it? Or have two with a big age gap?

Can anyone help me make sense of this? Or even better-tell me what to do because I am incapable of doing anything. I feel like I am frozen and can't say "no, that part of my life is over" or "yes, let's try for another".

Hi rivadiva - just wanted to share my experience. DD1 was a very difficult baby. She cried almost constantly till she was 1. She is so lovely now though, very sunny, smart and easy going. She completely wore me out as a baby and it took alot out of me. Dh and I went through a very difficult patch, there really was no question of us having another baby. Our relationship gradually improved and we tried again when dd was nearly 5. Dh was very aprehensive of the chaos it would bring and I was worried that I couldn't love another child as much as I love dd1. We now have dd2 and she is a complete joy. She is demanding, but I find it easier this time around. DD1 has a love/hate relationship with her sister, she is finding it hard to share her mum and dad! Even if they don't play together as children, I am glad she will have a sister to support her. Dh and I have no regrets, I am so glad we were blessed with another child, I feel very lucky to have her. I would go for it if I was you and if it does happen, so be it. I think it's one of those things you shouldn't over-analyse, especially if you are on the older side. Good luck, whatever decision you make, I hope it brings you peace.

Wow, what a great discussion and sorry to hijack it, but I was about to post someting very similar. However my worries are slightly different so i thought they could be a useful addition. Our dd is almost 2 and a fabulous little thing. Normal challenges but nothing out of the ordinary, sleep is sometimes good something bad, most of time wondefully behaved, sometimes naughty, basically everything you'd expect from her age. We didn't think we could have children although very much wanted one so overjoyed at dd.
By reading these other posts, I suspect I may end up falling down on the I'll regret it if I don't but life with dd is managable (in amongst dh and I both running our own business, which is obviously stressful right now) and still having some time to ourselves. And here is lies the issue. Dh believes it is very important for both of us to have time out, his comes in the form of golf, which as any golf widows will know, takes a whole day out of the weekend. This may sound trivial, but sport is an important part of his life and stress relief so my worry stems much more from whether we'll work as a family vs a couple with a child. WOuld love so insights from those who have gone on to have 2 and the difference it has made to day to day life.

Hi rivadiva, your post struck a chord with me too. I currently have one child, dd who is great. tbh I have never been broody and dh and I came to a compromise to have dd. She is fab and we adore her, but sometimes I feel bad that she is an only and will probably remain so. dh would have another but I am not sure I could face pregnancy, birth and the baby stage again. I know it's for a short time but I'd dread the thought! The decision was delayed anyway as before dd went to school we couldn't afford another. Not sure we could now! Plus I am over 40. I suppose the bottom line is, I don't really want another but I feel bad for dd and dh.
from your post though, I think you might regret it if you don't go for it again...

Actually, a couple with a child are a family.

I can only tell you my own experience. Have 4 yr old DS and 8 wk old DD. I felt exactly the same as you (uncannily so). Having my DD has so far been a completely different experience and a wholly wonderful one. I am 100 times happier and more relaxed this time, and am enjoying the baby stage so much I am even considering persuading DH into having a third! I am so glad we had a second, I cannot tell you.

I'm not sure that nagging will fade.

Part of the problem with deciding to try for a second (if you're 'on the fence'), is that you can think of every reason why it is not a good idea. And often those reasons are tangible and concrete based on what you've experienced/found difficult with your first.

But, not every pregnancy/birth/baby are the same (obviously), and it is possible that a second could be different and easier. But often the feelings of anxiety and dread seem more 'real' than the nebulous 'should we' or 'what if' or 'wouldn't it be lovely'. Also, human nature makes it easier to imagine the downside based on what we have found difficult in the past, than to imagine a wider wonderful unknown world of emotion.

I say this as a Mum of an 'only' who tried very hard (with fertility treatments) for a second, but was not successful. I wish it had happened, but have no regrets because I tried and have accepted it wasn't 'meant to be'.

Maybe, as others have suggested, you should try for a second and see what happens. How old are you?

Amandathepanda - I take your point but I do think the dynamics and practicalities of family life are then different going from 3 to 4. I don;t mean in anyway to devalue one child families as I am one!! What I'm trying to find out from others is how things changed from one child to two and what people think you need to make it work for everyone.

ljhooray - I think going from 1 to 2 is hard to begin with. My dh has a very stressful job with long hours, so alot of the childcare is down to me. DD1 has found it hard as I haven't got as much time to spend with her. However, I found from when she was 3, she has wanted me to play with her all the time. She always wants me to play pretend games. I also made a real effort to socialise outside school, so that she could have other children to play with. DD2 is still a baby, so too young to be a playmate for dd1, but I feel less pressure in needing to arrange playdates. Hopefully as dd2 gets older, she will be more company for dd1 and so take the pressure off dh and me. What I'm trying to say in a long winded way, is that day-to-day it will be harder in the short term with two, but I think will get easier as they get older, so giving you and your dh more time for each other.

Hi

I had an only child for nearly 11 yrs .We, unlike you, were very keen to have a second child but due to fertility problems it just never happened.

DD was a very happy well adjusted only child and didn't hanker after a sibling at all.I had given up and never really thought about it anymore.

When I was 39 I suddenly found out I was pregnant after yrs of nothing.We were all completely shocked-especially dd.

She did find it quite difficult to adjust but after a few months was in love with her new brother and roll on 6 yrs their relationship is a joy to watch.

I guess my point is ,yes ,our family life was great before ds came but it's even better now .I think if you have a desire deep inside you for another child it is the right thing to do.

Thanks vinegar, great insight there and kind of as I suspected. I think I had visions of both us dealing with one child or another and never having a moment to stop where as the reality of two children playing together (and of course independently) could actually be very different.
Would love to know how you get out the house though, I remember what an event it was when dd was a baby! (I'm sure you're a lot more laid back with number 2!)

ljhooray - Going out with a baby is easier second time around. I did have help for the first couple of months. My family live abroad, but my sister came and stayed for a couple of weeks. Then mil stayed for a month. After this I started taking dd2 with me. Because of the age gap, it is easier in a way. However, I have to do the school run and take dd1 to various activities after school and parties at the weekend. It is daunting to begin with, but then it becomes part of your routine and it really isn't that bad, you just have to be a bit more organised. I have recently done a 11hr flight by myself with both of them and that was fine too. I think the thought of it is scarier than the reality. It's not plain sailing, but time seems to be flying by second time around and like MrsMattie said, I am so glad we were able to have a second.

hi - have just noticed this thread - haven't got a great deal more to add, except to say that i felt exactly the same as you for the first 3 years of dds little life - then decided with dh that we really wanted another child. after nearly a year of trying, it isn't seeming very likely (although ggirls story has given me hope!!) and i wish i'd listened to the 'voices' in my head that were asking for another much earlier......

good luck in whatever you decide!!

I have 2 DSs but from an original position of wanting none. All i can say is to echo those who say you are unlikely to regret another whereas you probably will regret not havibg another.

I was struck by those saying with hindsight they had depression. At least 2nd time round you can have appropriate suport/medication in place in case you need it. You wont be caught unawares this time.

If bf was difficult (whispers) you dont have to bf, you can mix or ff feed. Not a bad thing if it helps your head.

Hi all!

Thanks so much for all the posts. Sorry haven't been on again sooner.

Clement, thanks for your story. I'm so glad it worked out for you.

Have been thinking and going round and round with my thoughts as usual and I feel at the moment I am coming down on the side of wanting to try for another but can't seem to get much further than that!

It's like some great big mountain that I need to climb. If I could just get going and start climbing I would probably be half way up before I know it and think, "that wasn't as bad as I thought it would be!". However, it just looms in front of me and I just think "I CAN'T"!!! (IYSWHIM!!)

I beat myself up all the time about being selfish because I like my life and we are happy but there is always that "What if?".

I'm probably going to get flamed here as some of you have said I would regret it if I didn't go for it but wouldn't regret it if I did-I don't know if that is true. I think I could have another child and it could totally change things. I'm terrified of having another and regretting it and a child picking up on that. I don't know if I have enough patience for two or whether I would feel resentful for not being able to spend as much time with DS. I worry about DS feeling resentful and jealous too.

I suppose there are no guarantees in life and I could go on endlessly speculating as to how our lives would change but I will never know unless I just start climbing that mountain...

I'm so glad that other people have come on here to post. I've never met anyone in RL who feels like me about having another child. I wish I just KNEW without a doubt that it was what I wanted and could just get on with things. I feel like our lives are in limbo.

Rivadiva, both me and my best friend (who has one dd) are completely confused too, so you are most certainly not alone (as this discussion proves!)

The patience, upsetting the balance, resentful about time - you know when I think about it, all these things went through my mind when I was pg with dd! And despite the sleep deprivation, the terror of those first 6 weeks and the huge change to my life, did I cope? Yes. Did I do more than cope and enjoy it? Yes. Did I do even more than that and have a happy healthy bright little dd? Yes. All from a starting point of thinking there was no way I could do it! So you know what? I think I'm gonna step into the unknown again! My choice is to wait until dd is gone 3, as I would like her to be able to be an active part of the changes in the family and by that age, many children are becoming more able to manage their emotions, so I hope she'll be able to adapt to the changes a little better (although I'm sure they'll be times she wishes she had us all to herself and I suspect vice versa).
I joined this thread still pretty unsure but having reread everyones concerns , I've come to the conclusion that if I worried about all these things first time around, I would never have become a mum!

I am an only child and because of my own negative experience I felt rightly or wrongly it would be selfish to only have 1 child (ie it was 'healthier' to have siblings.) I have enjoyed being Mum to DS but found him wholey fulfilling and really did not long for another child. DH wanted another child and because of my experiences as an only I reluctantly decided to 'try' for another when DS was 3.5.

I have found the first year of DDs life extemely hard, much harder than when DS was at the same stage. I don't regret my decision but it has been no picnic and I feel as if my life has gone backwards, this at times has been depressing.

On the plus side, I love her as much as DS, he absolutely adores his sister and I am sure in the long run it will have been the right decision for us all. However.. I have felt it has been extremely demanding for me personally and I have not enjoyed the first year with DD as much as I did with DS (DD is lovely it is all to do with 'personal' feelings IYSWIM). It is one of the hardest decisions I have had to make alot harder than deciding to try for my first. Good Luck.

I am also going to be brutally honest here - while I rarely resented having to get up in the night with DS I have resented it much more with DD. I am more lonely - there is less time FOR 'groups' because of school pick ups etc. I am more tired. There is no 'novelty' factor to see you through.

Sorry if I am being negative but in the worst case scenario you feel like me. ie it is not 'easier' the 2nd time around, it is 'harder' but not impossible - just more of a 'sacrifice' IYSWIM.

Thanks lj and izy.

Thanks for your honesty izy. I really value that. I would rather people were brutally honest and tell me their experiences in a totally truthful way.

I don't feel as if I get that with my RL friends. They are always a bit vague and end with saying things like "well, you'll have to make a decision soon".

What you are saying in your second post is exactly what I am afraid of. There are so many reasons not to have another baby and in my head only a couple for having another-ie-a sibling for DS and my worry over regretting not having one.

So basically that is it...a long list of cons and two pros. I just know I would find it hard. FGS, I found it really hard with DS and like you say, there is the novelty factor with your first.

I was in your position about 4.5 yrs ago. We had a nice life, dd was an easy child, I was just about to start looking for a job, but I kept thinking about another child. Dh & I just couldn't decide one way or another. I just wanted to look into a crystal ball. We eventually decided we would let nature decide. I fell pregnant the very first time we didn't use contraception.

Ds is now 5 and dd is 10, they have a joyous relationship, ds was much much harder work than dd and life was a bit of a struggle, a shock even maybe at the beginning. But when ds comes and jumps on top of me and fling his arms around me, I know it was all worthwhile. Also because he was December born, my time with him before he started school just seemed to fly by. It is a very true saying that there are not babies for long. We can finally go out and do things now without carting around all the baby paraphenlia

Yes but to play devils advocate a bit, I dont regret it. I just (sheepish emoticon) am looking forward to when she starts nursery so I can get back a bit more time to myself (I am a SAHM). This was the stage I was at with DS when she was born and I relished his growing independence.

Because I enjoyed his early years and not so much this time with DD, the sense of achievement I felt with him has been lost. I dont know if this makes sense. Anyway.... good luck.

Hi all. Haven't had much to add lately but have been mulling over everything that has been said on here.

Fimbo, thank you for your post. I'm so glad that you don't regret it and that your two get on so well.

The last time I posted I was feeling more positive about another. I have to say, I'm back to where I was before.

It really is taking over my thoughts constantly and driving me mad.

I'm feeling regrets about not just going for it when DS was younger. At least they would be closer in age and I would be nearly done with the baby stage. I'm just kicking myself now.

Having said that, I feel positive about our family unit. I love it being the three of us and feel like we are a little team. The thought of upsetting that dynamic terrifies me. I feel like I could ruin it for all of us. Perhaps that's whats stopping me........no, I don't relish the thought of a baby either (sorry, thinking aloud).

I'm never going to be able to make a decision am I??

this is a big deal for us now for similar reasons I guess
my dd is 4 in the summer, I really went under when she was born but looking back it was a huge change and I was very lonely, new are no one I knew had children etc.

we tried again twice but I miscarried, last time in late September, am now 40 and so time is running out

but I always felt divided about going for a 2nd child part of me really wants another and part of me is terrified of losing myself again for a couple of years, now I feel balanced and happy again and am very scared of upsetting the balance but I am also worried about regretting not trying again

then again I really like the way we are now

sorry for long, not very helpful post

Hi sfxmum, sorry to hear about your miscarriages.

Thank you for posting. In a funny way it helps to know that I'm not alone in my dilemma-I was starting to think I was a bit weird and no one in RL has ever mentioned feeling the same as me. In fact, all my friends have more than one except for one (which wasn't through choice).

I feel like a bit of an oddity. I feel as if others wonder why you don't have another and speculate as to whether you have had problems conceiving. My DS is in a very small school and I'm not even sure if there is another only child there. On school photo day he was on his own and there were all these other children having pictures done with their siblings. It made me feel sad.

Sorry, I'm probably not helping you either am I?. Just helps to come on here and type everything and get it out of my head instead of it going round and round....

p.s. I also felt the same as you when DS was little.

I have only felt "normal" again in the last year or so. I enjoy the fact that DS is at school and I have time and have found myself again.

I wonder if it would be very different next time as we would know what to expect/would not be such a shock etc.

I did feel resentful/tired/bored/stressed/frustrated a lot of the time and am scared to death of going there again.

In my head, I feel a bit of a failure for only having one child (which I know is a lot of rubbish) and wonder if having another child would make me somehow "more acceptable" to other mums.