So worried I am going to regret having only one child

[rivadiva]

DH and I have DS who is nearly five.

We always thought we would have another but we both found the adjustment to parenthood difficult. Looking back, think I was depressed TBH. Two years past, then three and here we are at four and a bit years and we still haven't gone for number two.

We love DS so much (even though he has a few "issues" and can be very demanding and challenging). Life is pretty good in lots of ways and we are a great little family unit.

However, there is a little voice in my head that won't go away. I can't seem to close the door on having another baby. It's as if because I always thought I would have another and the intention was always there, my brain won't accept that it's not happening IYSWIM.

In my heart of hearts I would like to have another and have always seen myself with a daughter (no guarantees obviously). I always look at families of four and wonder how it feels. I just feel as if I would be more complete somehow.

Obviously, time is not on my side and the age gap with DS would be quite big so not great for him in terms of having a playmate.

The stupid thing is, I don't even like the baby/toddler stage. Found it incredibly hard and dull. In moments of head banging frustration (which all parents have I know), I've even thought parenthood is totally overrated. I'm just not sure if I could go through it again-think I would go insane.

I was even thinking should I adopt. There are so many older children out there who need a loving home (DH wouldn't consider it though).

All these thoughts go round and round in my end. I have talked it through with friends but I just can't seem to take the "plunge" as it were!

Has anyone ever felt like this and had another or not and regretted it? Or have two with a big age gap?

Can anyone help me make sense of this? Or even better-tell me what to do because I am incapable of doing anything. I feel like I am frozen and can't say "no, that part of my life is over" or "yes, let's try for another".

I have a six year age gap between my two. It was a bit of a shock going back to the baby bit but I'm glad we did it. But you have to do it for the right reasons, not just because you think you should have more than one child.

I'm fighting broodiness at the moment. I don't want another child but can't bear the thought of never being preggers or having another one, if that makes sense.

A friend of mine really summed up the feeling well when she said about deciding to have another DC: 'It feels as if you have passed an exam ok, but now you are having to sit it all over again'. Not that anyone is judging!

Hi RivaDiva, like you I hated pregnancy and the whole baby thing, was bored and frustrated, and that was with an easy first baby who slept though a 6 weeks, had long naps and always a smile for everyone. I resally hesitated about going through this again but took the plunge... And it´s been so much easier, pregnancy passes in a flash when you´re busy with another child,and having a baby is so much more of a pleasure second time round! DD2 is not an easy baby but family life has only got better. I feel much more relaxed about everything and baby has a big sister as entertainment and teacher. Take the plunge if you dare! Good look!

rivadiva wrote: "In my head, I feel a bit of a failure for only having one child (which I know is a lot of rubbish) and wonder if having another child would make me somehow "more acceptable" to other mums"

on so many levels.

I only have one child but I don't feel a failure, just very lucky to be a mum when so many women who would desperately love to have a child are unable to.

And I couldn't care less if that makes me less acceptable to other mums - they'd have to be pretty bleedin' shallow to find me unacceptable for only having one fabulous, gorgeous, loving child.

Hi rivadiva - If it is any help I have loved every second of being a Mum. My pregnancy was great, I loved the new born phase and am still loving it now milkfortwo is a toddler. However, being a Mum of more than one makes me feel very stressed.

I think, for me - what will be will be - I have some friends who have a 9 year age gap and it looks lovely - maybe I will do that one day, maybe not.

I suppose you and I should live our lives enjoy the here and now and it is only then, not when we are stressing "What is best what is best' that we will find ourselves deciding properly and for sure.

Bullerbychildren, you are SO right-what you have posted is spot on and made me cry. I hope I haven't offended anyone who is struggling to have a baby (or indeed anyone on this topic).

I love my DS so much it hurts and am so proud of him. I want him to have a fantastic childhood and if that meant him having a brother or a sister if he wanted, then I would gladly do it. The trouble is, he doesn't seem that bothered. He is only four though and probably doesn't realise what he is missing out on. He loves being with other kids and his cousins and when I see him giggling and having fun with them and then being on his own, I feel sad for him (although he seems fairly happy).

Teafortwo, have just read what you posted on another thread about it being a head or a heart decision. My heart says yes but my head thinks there is too much at stake-and I've got no desire to go there again-how do you reconcile the two??

Awww, riva, didn't mean to make you cry. I'm lucky in that I only want one child so I don't fret about any of the issues that are troubling you. And your love for your DS shines through your posts. My DD loves being with friends and cousins, too, but she also loves having time with Mummy and time with Daddy and time with us both. And then there are other times when she can play - for short periods - on her own. Actually, when I type it out that sounds ideal .

Good luck with your decision!

riva I agree on the front of head v heart but I think if solely head no one would really have children especially after knowing what is involved

my dd keeps talking about siblings growing in my tummy which I think is because a few of our acquaintances and friends have had children recently, I expect that she is used to the idea of people having siblings from us, both dh ans I are one of three

at least dd's pregnancy was completely trouble free if not worry free given that she came after 3 miscarriages

but like it has been said I do not want this doubts and sometime anguish to stop me enjoying what I have I feel I need a decision and then live with it

Someone I am close to has two beautiful, intelligent and fun loving boys. They both look like the baby on the fairy liquid bottle. 1950s Cuties!!! Her house has three bedrooms (one each). Both parents have successful jobs. They are an ideal family. Her head is saying to stop on the children front BUT her heart is saying to have another just incase the baby is a pinky - she'd love a girl!

I think family size is something, whatever size your family ends up being, modern women have to battle a little with themselves over. Your feelings are quite normal. You mustn't think you are strange or different. Your not!

So... can you afford to push all the 'what ifs' in your head aside and go for it? Or are the 'what ifs' the biggest pull. My gut feeling is you will end up pushing (excuse the pun ha ha ha!!!) the 'what ifs' aside.... but I am just someone at another computer only you can and will know what you want to do.

The only suggestion I could think of is linked to what I said earlier - Could you give yourself a break from it? - e.g We def. won't try before June - whatever. Then you can think about other things and the 'yes' or 'no' will come to you while watching ds on a swing or at lunch with friends or during salute to the sun at your yoga class (Do you even do yoga??? Ha ha ha)!!!

I think if we think about things too much we can't see the wood for the trees. Maybe just be a bit and see how you feel and what happens.

If you dont mind me asking Riva, how old are you? I probably would have waited even longer if I hadnt have been 36.

there is 21 months between me and my younger sister, and 6 years between me and my youngest sister. I love them both, but I'm extremely close with the youngest one, and still can't get on with the middle one. hmhm.

echo a previous poster though, she was 3 to me until she went to secondary school, and then I felt a fierce protectiveness towards her. she's awesome.

I know I posted this earlier but the things you are posting are exactly how I feel ... only with the added pressure of not being able to afford it. I had convinced myself before Christmas that in the new year we would just go for it and if it was meant to be then it would happen. I was concerned that we were both getting older and totally over-thinking the issue. If I had had a chance to stop and think last time I wouldn't have ds but he was unplanned so fortunately I didn't have a chance to chicken out! We are now back to square one though as financially things are not great so have an extra excuse to add to my repertoire!

I was talking to someone today who was saying that their dcs were out playing in the garden and I hated the fact that ds (nearly 4) doesnt go out in the garden to play all that much (in this weather) as he is on his own! It made me feel really guilty. I know it is only minor and as he gets older he will do things on his own more but it doesnt seem fair.

Hi all.

Haven't been on recently but no nearer really to making a decision.

Bodiddly, for you. It's difficult enough trying to decide without having the financial implications to ponder over too! I know what you are saying about the garden thing too. I always feel sorry for my DS when he's out there as he just potters round on his own. He talks to himself when he is playing as well (I've only just thought about this)-friends of mine think it's really cute but I'm just wondering whether it's because he has no sibling to talk to...

Izyboy, I am 41 this year so there are obviously no guarantees anyway. I sometimes think if I tried and nothing happened for a few months then I might either be desperately upset or relieved and it might help me decide either way.

teafortwo, I have already tried giving myself a deadline and saying "right, I won't think about it until....." but have done this a couple of times now and nothing changes. In any case, I still can't stop thinking about it when I not supposed to be (Situations and things people say get me wondering and imagining myself with another (or not)).

Over the last couple of weeks I have changed my mind probably more than a twenty times. Sometimes I change my mind several times over the course of a day. It's really taking over my life and it's draining me. I don't have room in my head for much else because this little voice is always going on at me.

I've come to realise that I am focusing a lot on the negative aspects of having another and not trusting that everything will be fine(or if it's not, then I'll deal with it). Maybe it's to do with the type of person I am (I can be a bit "glass half empty"-am trying to be better!) I can't get past all the thoughts of how hard I found it first time around and how it will be another four years of baby/toddler stuff before school.

Hi Riva just a quick point. I am not a child psychologist but I understand the talking to themselves a phase for all children - it is part of the learning to separate oneself, the development of a "sense of self" IYSWIM - it is not an indicator of loneliness but of wonderful and necessary development

My DS spent all yesterday afternoon talking to himself and there were three other children there to talk to!

Thank you daisy!

Riva, I've read all your posts and can totally empathise with everything you've said. I've been through the exact same dilemma as you and it's so hard.

A quick question for you to see if it brings any clarity ...if it was completely the norm in this country to have one child and most of your friends only had one, would you be happy just sticking with one or would you still be thinking about another?

Hi Doozle.

Thanks for your post. That is a really interesting point you've made and thinking it over I realised that yes, I probably would be happy. Does this mean I am thinking too much of what others think? I am probably am and I think this has influenced me to some extent even though I thought it hadn't!

Over the last few days, I have come to a decision. I just can't live with all these thoughts going round and round anymore and have decided that I should be happy the way we are as a family and enjoy what we've got. I've found myself relaxing more and just enjoying my DS. The bottom line for me is that I think if I really really wanted another child that I would have had another one by now or at least be trying for one.

I feel like a weight has been lifted and I feel happier. If, in a years time, DH and I had a change of heart and decided we wanted another and we tried and it didn't happen, then that's something we would have to live with. I can't live my life constantly thinking "what if, what if?". I have to live in the here and now. I also can't worry about age gaps, sibling jealousy or other peoples' opinions. I just have to do what is right for me.

I don't know if this will help anyone but you've all helped me so thank you for all your posts. I hope that all of you in a similar situation to me can reach a decision that makes you happy!

Riva - I'm so glad that you have found some peace for now.

Thank you cmotdibbler.

hi. please do have another... do you have much other family, does your child have cousins and such? i didn't and i needed it. my parents had only me for financial reasons. they considered adoption and obviously having not experienced it i can't say for sure but i think i would have appreciated this no end. i always wanted a sibling when i was younger to play with and so that my parents would not act like it was just them and make me feel like the odd one out, unintentionally making me feel insecure as they were right and i was wrong. and there was no sibling to also see it from the point of view of a child of theirs and so make me feel like i hadn't lost my mind.

you seem to want another child, and your child would probably appreciate it. i mean for me now my parents are getting older, who have i got? it's just me, and my daughter. i desperately want to give her a sibling. the love of friends has more conditions than the love of family right? and to have family of the same generation i feel is very lucky.

Riva, you know that's exactly how I felt!

I thought about it too and though I hate to admit it, I am (subconsciously)influenced by what others do and think. Wish that wasn't the case!

But asking myself that question did give me some clarity to realise that in my heart of hearts, I am happy with one though (even if that doesn't fit with the norm).

Melll I think you are idealising having siblings tbh.

There are loads of very happy onlies out there who have/ had marvellous relationships with their parents.

Is Rivadiva still on here? I would love to know what you decided. I feel like I am in exactly the same position and would love to hear from someone with the benefit of hindsight!

Have searched and she only posted a couple of times so must have changed name or gone

I really want to want another child and I think I do but I'm terrified by the baby/ toddler stage again