Have another baby?

[Kiwi98]

Hi all,

I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is soon to be 7. She goes to her dads every week Thurs-Sat and often goes on holiday with him in the 6 week holidays. I’ve been with my Fiancé for 5 years and we enjoy having the dynamic of family time and couple time.

I was 100% one and done. But ever since she has started school 2 years ago I have been on and off thinking of having another baby. I have done a pro’s and cons list which is quite equal on both sides. But I know the biggest thing holding me back is losing that quality time/me time.

I have no village to help. I’m no contact with both of my parents which will never change. My grandma would be able to help for a couple of hours but no over night stays. My partner’s dad lives in spain and his mum is still working full time, and looking after 2 family members. So realistically a break would be a rarity. Something I’m not used to with my current situation.

I have no one to talk to about this. I’m thinking of going to therapy because the dilemma genuinely bothers me morning until night every day. But until then I wondered if anybody could offer some advice?

Thank you ❤️

How old are you? I never wanted to be “one and done”, I always wanted more, but I have my DD (now 11) and I’m grateful for her.
My circumstances changed and now I’m 42 and have made the decision to not disrupt my life with my fiance and DD. The idea of starting again makes me feel tired just thinking about it! My fiance has two of his, and has been a dad since he was 19, it’s definitely time to just enjoy our time together as a family. Occasionally I get a big hormonal urge, and he understands that, it makes me sad sometimes but it’s definitely the right decision for everyone.

Can you afford a second one including childcare? Do you have a spare bedroom?

If you're thinking about it, do it. Wait too long and the decision will be out of your hands.

What does DP feel about it? It’s not his choice but it is an important factor which you haven’t mentioned.

My friend recently spoke to me about going through this and feeling very torn. She has decided not to have any more. She told me it helped her to consider if she never had another baby would she be sad or would she just be grateful for the family she has and make the most of them. She decided she loves her life as it is and although she will always wonder 'what if' she doesn't feel sad at not having another. If you do feel sad at the idea of never having another or feel like something is missing then I'd say go for it.

If your pros and cons list don't look too serious either side, you need to do what your gut is telling you. If your can comfortably give another child a life and you want that child, you need to let yourself make the decision. Are you always so indecisive or have you only just started considering it? I think for most people, especially those who already have children, they can decide fairly easily if they want another.

The fact that you enjoy your time off so much suggests that having another baby, where that would not be the case, is not a good idea.

I think the questions I would be asking myself are (I am quite practical so apologies 😀)

• financially how would this work? how does our money work now and how would he feel paying for more if on mat leave? Would you go back to work or be financially vulnerable?
• Who would look after the baby - nursery/ nanny? how would it be taking time off when baby is poorly?
• Household chores - it has to be 50-50.
• How would it work with your older child
• Could I really cope for the next 10 years without me time? How important is this and does it make me happier?
• How would it change our relationship?
• Is the house/ car big enough? Os there a bedroom each?

If you are 50 - 50 I wouldn’t . If I had my time again I wouldn’t have any . I think we have them to fill a need in us which might be a bit selfish. The world isn’t a nice place now . Sorry I’m a negative ninny

If you really wanted one you'd have one no matter what.

You haven't listed what the pros and cons are but children with different Dad's are most likely to bring challenges over money and holidays.

I wouldn’t. Sounds like you have an ideal set up.

How old are you? Does your partner want a child? Would he be a good Dad?
Can you afford it?
I think sometimes you just have to go with your gut about these things, basically do you want another baby yes or no?

What does your partner think?

Tbh I think it sounds like a no. If you really, really wanted one then I think you'd be less worried about the free time thing.

I wouldn't. You can start to do more interesting things with her at this age - have a baby and she will have to only go on holidays etc that are suitable for someone at least 8 years younger than her, assuming that you aren't pregnant yet. I'd focus on her. Also, is this a fiancee with a wedding date set or the sort of fiancee that strings you along but you never actually get married?

I don’t think this is good advice.

personally no ! You are in for a shock if you do after having so much support the first time around , you may not get lucky with such a good dad this time around

My circumstances are different but the dilemma was the same. Divorced, three children, was relatively young when I had them (early twenties) and met my now husband in my late twenties. He had no children, but always said he was open to the idea.

We discussed at length, for YEARS about having another but ultimately, much like you, we liked the fact that every other weekend, the kids go to their Dads and we get a break and to have some us time. We have no local family, my family were no help even when we did live nearby and his parents have already had 4 grandchildren from my SIL that they helped extensively with - and they told her if she had anymore they couldn’t offer the same help again. Plus financially it would stretch us. We could do it, but it would be a pinch.

Now, my youngest is 8 and my eldest nearly done with secondary, they all sleep until at least 9 on the weekend and just thinking about having another makes me knackered. I love the phase of parenting we’re in. If your major concern is about giving up that free time, my advice would be don’t do it. I realised I was over romanticising the idea when me and my husband talked about it, having a cute small one again… when in reality having a tiny baby that inevitably means little sleep for years, nappies, prams etc plus we would need a bigger car… nope.

The decision’s out of her hands if she does it now, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right decision. In fact, if she does it right now, she’s robbing herself of however many fertile years she has left of decision time through panic.

What does your partner want? He is the main person you should discuss this with. I have to admit, I am glad that I had been sterilised for many years and probably getting too old when I met my 2nd husband. I love our lives together, enjoying time with both our grown families and also our time as a couple but I do think had circumstances been slightly different the pull to have a baby together would have been strong.

I don’t think this is true.
I really wanted a second, but the reality of life is we just couldn’t have afforded it.
Not everyone can just have a baby and screw the consequences.

We're youbwith your daughters dad when pregnant? How did you feel you'd cope that time?

I think if you’re worried about a break before you’re even pregnant then having another child probably isn’t for you.
My breaks are some mornings when the kids are at school & when the kids go to sleep at night. I don’t want or expect help from anyone.

I would also consider how you would feel if a child was born with disabilities, complex medical needs, additional needs etc. This could then result in a life time of providing round the clock care. With no village to support you, be prepared that this will very likely fall to you and impact not only your life but your daughter’s life, your career, finances and your relationship. I do not agree with the irresponsible comments above essentially saying just go for it with no regard for the consequences. Any child is for life but one with additional needs will invariably need more and potentially throughout their life.