How to accept being a one child family not by choice?

[Jingles85]

Hi all

Im almost 41 and have a DD who is 3 1/2. Shes an IVF baby who took over 7 years of IVF to appear, with many years of trying naturally before that. The IVF journey was long and traumatic with 2 losses along the way (ectopic and 11 wk MMC).

Last year we tried for a sibling with our 2 remaining embryos from her round. I was so hopeful but ultimately neither stuck. So we are a one child family not by choice and im really struggling.

Before anyone suggests adoption, this is absolutely something we have deeply considered but ultimately i dont think its right for us. My main sadness and grief is for my child not getting to experience siblinghood (im one of 6 kids so its so alien to me). I know in my heart that wanting another child for her sake is probably not a good motivation to enter the world of adoption. It is its own difficult journey and the adoptive child deserves so much more than that. We spoke with a social worker about it a few months ago and one of the things that the adoption charity emphasised (and rightly so) is the need for couples to be energetic and enthusiastic for the adoption journey as its a tough one. We had to admit to ourselves that our traumatic path to our daughter has really stolen our energy.

I am just really struggling to accept our circumstances. A few years ago i would have given my right arm to just have a baby at all - i just never anticipated that once we achieved that i would feel the same intensity for my child to have a sibling as i once did for us to become parents in the first place. I worry so much for her that she will be lonely or feel resentful towards us for not trying harder. We have small and scattered extended family and I feel so guilty for not giving her a better family structure.

I guess im wondering how other one child families not by choice balance this, or how other only children/now adults feel about this. I feel like im ok and then i see a pregancy announcment and im floored again. The worst trigger are celebs in their 40s having babies. Im perimenopausal and i just dont have it in me to do IVF again but feel selfish for this. Help!

It’s a process and I have to be honest I go through phases.

I had DS naturally at 30/31 after 9 months of trying and was about to start the process of blood tests and looking into what was going on. The pregnancy was tough for me as I had POTS and my migraines were out of control- up to three a week where I was bedbound and vomiting non stop; I was fainting a lot and whilst not seriously ill I was very incapacitated. I then developed an autoimmune disease when DS was 5 months old and it took years to get under control and I was really really unwell- I was a SAHM but DS had to go to nursery because I was too unwell to look after him safely.

Time passed and I never really got stable enough to come off meds to even try to get pregnant, I’ve now got PCOS and other gynae issues. Also I was brutally honest with myself that I am just not well enough to look after another child, especially if they were to have SEN or health issues of their own.

I’m approaching 40 and it’s hit me again as I know I’m reaching the end of the fertile years so to speak. I try and acknowledge my feelings and it is valid to feel sad about how things have turned out but I also look at the positives- I am very lucky to have DS, we have a nice life where DH and I have a good balance of our own interests and family
time in a way that would be harder if we had multiple children to look after. DS has had some health issues and we’ve been able to afford to go privately which again if we had
more children might not have been the case.

Sending a hug, you aren’t alone.

Well, this made me cry! thank you so much for writing this. You're so right about that strong desire keeping me going/becoming a survival strategy. I remember thinking once i gave birth it would be so lovely to have a quieter brain and feel less driven and anxious and oh boy was I wrong! Within a week or two I was immediately back on the hamster wheel planning on when would get back to IVF clinic to try again.

Now when i feel those pangs of sadness when i think about my child not having a sibling i feel that hamster wheel start back up and its like my brain is trying to find a plan to fix it. It's exhausting!

Will definitely take that advice on board- would love my brain to relax! Thank you!

@Twilightstarbright im so sorry to hear youve had it so rough with your health. its really difficult to actively choose to put your own health needs above the desire to keep trying for more kids. Sending a hug back!

Thank you! I never know where I fit in really because most only families not by choice aren’t due to parental health and I feel a lot of guilt which I’ve worked on in therapy. All we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other right?

We were the same having had DS at age 41, not easy etc. I’m over the sadness now though and in the end I found you simply have to find gratitude for what you have. He’s happy, healthy and we get to spend truly quality time together. Holidays are fabulous and we each choose a day of our favourite activities and food which he gets really excited about. We invite his friends over a lot and at Christmas we have a party with his friends and their parents (as our wider family is small too).
we are in London where there are a lot of single child families so I do urge you to try to find others in the same boat - there are loads here!

I can relate so much to so much of what you said!
Especially saying about how you felt as soon as your LO was born you were straight into thinking of future ivf! I feel like infertility has taken over the last 6 years of my life!
we’ve recently had 3 transfers and all failed or were miscarriages and we’ve decided now that we are done!
we’d always had desire to give our daughter a sibling and to have a second child, we’ve loved every moment of it and were so hopeful to do it again! Our last transfer failed a few weeks ago and we’re now trying to focus our energy on our 3 year old. It’s soo tough but trying to look at the positives of being able to give her more time and more experiences tailored to her hobbies etc!
This definitely isn’t what we wanted for our family and having had a miscarriage at 9 weeks recently, it has been really devestatinf but I’m hoping it’ll mean I can have a brilliant relationship with my little one and provide her with everything she needs!

I can relate so much to your post. We were lucky (I'm now well aware how lucky!) to have DD quite easily. But number 2 didn't happen for us. We tried IVF which we found out didn't work the day before my 40th birthday (was a shit birthday as you can imagine). Turning 40 really hurt as it really felt like 'well, time's up'.

We're a few months on and trying to move forward with our lives. But things, like learning a friend is pregnant, will set me back.

A couple of nights ago, my DD got upset saying she was lonely because she didn't have a brother or sister like X, Y, Z friends. It absolutely broke my heart. It's the first time she has expressed wanting a sibling and my heart breaks that I can't give her that. 💔

Just wanted to add on here that I’m in the same position. Had DS at 37, then DH didn’t want another, and he finally came around to the idea when I was 42. Had a miscarriage a couple of years ago and now 45. Facing reality is hard, especially since my DS would LOVE a sibling, and I think would really benefit from one. But life had other plans. We also considered adoption but are probably not going to go ahead with it for the same reasons as you. I think all we can do is remind ourselves that life doesn’t always turn out as we imagined it would, but we are very fortunate to have the children we have, and we can put our efforts into enjoying them.