How to accept being a one child family not by choice?

[Jingles85]

Hi all

Im almost 41 and have a DD who is 3 1/2. Shes an IVF baby who took over 7 years of IVF to appear, with many years of trying naturally before that. The IVF journey was long and traumatic with 2 losses along the way (ectopic and 11 wk MMC).

Last year we tried for a sibling with our 2 remaining embryos from her round. I was so hopeful but ultimately neither stuck. So we are a one child family not by choice and im really struggling.

Before anyone suggests adoption, this is absolutely something we have deeply considered but ultimately i dont think its right for us. My main sadness and grief is for my child not getting to experience siblinghood (im one of 6 kids so its so alien to me). I know in my heart that wanting another child for her sake is probably not a good motivation to enter the world of adoption. It is its own difficult journey and the adoptive child deserves so much more than that. We spoke with a social worker about it a few months ago and one of the things that the adoption charity emphasised (and rightly so) is the need for couples to be energetic and enthusiastic for the adoption journey as its a tough one. We had to admit to ourselves that our traumatic path to our daughter has really stolen our energy.

I am just really struggling to accept our circumstances. A few years ago i would have given my right arm to just have a baby at all - i just never anticipated that once we achieved that i would feel the same intensity for my child to have a sibling as i once did for us to become parents in the first place. I worry so much for her that she will be lonely or feel resentful towards us for not trying harder. We have small and scattered extended family and I feel so guilty for not giving her a better family structure.

I guess im wondering how other one child families not by choice balance this, or how other only children/now adults feel about this. I feel like im ok and then i see a pregancy announcment and im floored again. The worst trigger are celebs in their 40s having babies. Im perimenopausal and i just dont have it in me to do IVF again but feel selfish for this. Help!

It’s a process and I have to be honest I go through phases.

I had DS naturally at 30/31 after 9 months of trying and was about to start the process of blood tests and looking into what was going on. The pregnancy was tough for me as I had POTS and my migraines were out of control- up to three a week where I was bedbound and vomiting non stop; I was fainting a lot and whilst not seriously ill I was very incapacitated. I then developed an autoimmune disease when DS was 5 months old and it took years to get under control and I was really really unwell- I was a SAHM but DS had to go to nursery because I was too unwell to look after him safely.

Time passed and I never really got stable enough to come off meds to even try to get pregnant, I’ve now got PCOS and other gynae issues. Also I was brutally honest with myself that I am just not well enough to look after another child, especially if they were to have SEN or health issues of their own.

I’m approaching 40 and it’s hit me again as I know I’m reaching the end of the fertile years so to speak. I try and acknowledge my feelings and it is valid to feel sad about how things have turned out but I also look at the positives- I am very lucky to have DS, we have a nice life where DH and I have a good balance of our own interests and family
time in a way that would be harder if we had multiple children to look after. DS has had some health issues and we’ve been able to afford to go privately which again if we had
more children might not have been the case.

Sending a hug, you aren’t alone.

Well, this made me cry! thank you so much for writing this. You're so right about that strong desire keeping me going/becoming a survival strategy. I remember thinking once i gave birth it would be so lovely to have a quieter brain and feel less driven and anxious and oh boy was I wrong! Within a week or two I was immediately back on the hamster wheel planning on when would get back to IVF clinic to try again.

Now when i feel those pangs of sadness when i think about my child not having a sibling i feel that hamster wheel start back up and its like my brain is trying to find a plan to fix it. It's exhausting!

Will definitely take that advice on board- would love my brain to relax! Thank you!

@Twilightstarbright im so sorry to hear youve had it so rough with your health. its really difficult to actively choose to put your own health needs above the desire to keep trying for more kids. Sending a hug back!

Thank you! I never know where I fit in really because most only families not by choice aren’t due to parental health and I feel a lot of guilt which I’ve worked on in therapy. All we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other right?

We were the same having had DS at age 41, not easy etc. I’m over the sadness now though and in the end I found you simply have to find gratitude for what you have. He’s happy, healthy and we get to spend truly quality time together. Holidays are fabulous and we each choose a day of our favourite activities and food which he gets really excited about. We invite his friends over a lot and at Christmas we have a party with his friends and their parents (as our wider family is small too).
we are in London where there are a lot of single child families so I do urge you to try to find others in the same boat - there are loads here!

I can relate so much to so much of what you said!
Especially saying about how you felt as soon as your LO was born you were straight into thinking of future ivf! I feel like infertility has taken over the last 6 years of my life!
we’ve recently had 3 transfers and all failed or were miscarriages and we’ve decided now that we are done!
we’d always had desire to give our daughter a sibling and to have a second child, we’ve loved every moment of it and were so hopeful to do it again! Our last transfer failed a few weeks ago and we’re now trying to focus our energy on our 3 year old. It’s soo tough but trying to look at the positives of being able to give her more time and more experiences tailored to her hobbies etc!
This definitely isn’t what we wanted for our family and having had a miscarriage at 9 weeks recently, it has been really devestatinf but I’m hoping it’ll mean I can have a brilliant relationship with my little one and provide her with everything she needs!

I can relate so much to your post. We were lucky (I'm now well aware how lucky!) to have DD quite easily. But number 2 didn't happen for us. We tried IVF which we found out didn't work the day before my 40th birthday (was a shit birthday as you can imagine). Turning 40 really hurt as it really felt like 'well, time's up'.

We're a few months on and trying to move forward with our lives. But things, like learning a friend is pregnant, will set me back.

A couple of nights ago, my DD got upset saying she was lonely because she didn't have a brother or sister like X, Y, Z friends. It absolutely broke my heart. It's the first time she has expressed wanting a sibling and my heart breaks that I can't give her that. 💔

Just wanted to add on here that I’m in the same position. Had DS at 37, then DH didn’t want another, and he finally came around to the idea when I was 42. Had a miscarriage a couple of years ago and now 45. Facing reality is hard, especially since my DS would LOVE a sibling, and I think would really benefit from one. But life had other plans. We also considered adoption but are probably not going to go ahead with it for the same reasons as you. I think all we can do is remind ourselves that life doesn’t always turn out as we imagined it would, but we are very fortunate to have the children we have, and we can put our efforts into enjoying them.

Hiya lovely, I just wanted to comment in solidarity. I am 39, have an almost 4 year old. Husband is 43. Had our fourth baby loss last year - a baby girl with turner syndrome, and for various reasons following an extensive set of fertility tests we decided to end trying completely and accept being a family of one and done. I also haemorrhaged quite badly after the ERPC last year and after a few years a lot of bad luck (with some amazing luck with our one and only in between) I am simply too exhausted and anxious to keep going, and my husband is feeling old and battered by it all.

So here are the things we doing to help us move forward:

• We both went on anti anxiety meds earlier this year - not necessarily a general bit of advice but it was the best gift I gave myself. My anxiety and anger had become crippling, it was affecting my sleep, how I was as a parent etc
• Counselling - did a mix of couples and individual counselling. It was helpful. Although I will say it’s taught me more to live with grief then detach completely
• I am kind to myself - far kinder then I ever was before. For example, unless it’s a really close friend or family member, I have distanced myself from anyone I know might be trying. Tonight a friend I’ve grown apart from posted a picture on Insta where she’s clearly expecting her second and I just muted her stories and forgave myself for needing to do it.
• I have made friends with other one and doners
• I surround myself with people who are realistic about parenting two or more - it’s easy to romanticise what we wanted ie two kids, but actually in today’s world it’s incredibly difficult. And while I don’t use other’s hardship to make myself feel better, it does help just knowing that the grass isn’t always greener
• I look at adult only children and realise how confident and self assured they are - my husband and his best friend being prime examples.
• I keep a list of the benefits of being one and done in my notes on my phone and read them when low. For me those are - I’ve got my physical health back, because my husband and I are able to juggle one child easily enough that we can still prioritise our own needs and be present parents. Financially we are way better off and that freedom is lovely. We had savings for a second lot of nursery fees that are now going towards other things. I am a much more present parent - I feel that being one and done enables me to stop and breathe when parenting is difficult. I just get to remind myself we’ll not have this time again and to try and cherish it even in the tough moments. My career has thrived but I am still able to work flexibly and give my son all he needs. I have time and money to have fun and see friends and do nice things.

None of these are gospel, and I still have my low moments trust me. Tonight I wondered what I’d done wrong that everyone seems to be able to have multiple kids except me! And the fear of losing my son is something I’ll forever need to work on. But overall I think I cope pretty well with the card we’ve been dealt. And try to believe that we’re exactly where we need to be to thrive. While many people are happy with multiple kids, many are also struggling so much. So I just have to trust I have all I need and that comparison is the thief of joy.

anywho that was a ramble. Sending love and light. It’s a hard road but you’ll get there x

@Limon22 thank you so much for taking the time to reply. The night before i read it i had a bit of a wobble re ivf/adoption and fell into a spiral over it all, so reading your reply really helped stabilise me. im so sorry for what youve been through. It sounds really traumatic.

Thanks for all your tips too - I really love the idea of having a list of benefits in my phone to read when i feel low. I will definitely be doing that.

I really want to connect with more one child families i just barely know any! all of my friends bar one have multiple kids and cannot relate. Are you part of facebook groups or anything?

Sending hugs and a huge thank you again :)

That sounds so hard

I have more than one but I can see in many ways how lovely it would be to have all my time and money for just one. My eldest would definitely have benefitted from that.

For example me having loads on one to one time to teach her crafts or support music practice, taking her on trips related to her interests that we can’t do with multiple kids. She would love to bring a friend on holiday, and has been away with a friend, but we can’t bring a friend each for all three kids!

I know people say their kids ask for a sibling because t my eldest frequently asks why we had to go and have the others :-/

@Limon22
"comparison is the thief of joy"

So, so true! I need this as my mantra as a reminder!

Awh I am SO glad I replied at the right time and you found it helpful. It’s so hard.

We have three one child friends. I met one pregnant on Peanut (app for pregnant people, don’t love it; met an absolute mad woman on there once and had to seriously dodge her all mat leave, but my mate who’s one and done too is lush) and the other two are friends from nursery.

I also found lots more one and doners at work too - there’s a parenting networking group at work and met some there. (I work for a large company). Several of my female colleagues are one and done, had kids in late thirties. We live in London and I think due to the cost of the city having kids late and stopping at one is very normal.

I used to follow some one and done accounts on insta. It was helpful but over time I unfollowed. I think it was when the rawness of our new permanent reality has settled (new because beforehand I always believed we’d have another and it would just work out whereas now I know in my heart that isn’t the case), I just didn’t want to always be reminded of it. And I’m also not a lover of smugness. I hate people who boast about how easily they’ve had kids but equally I can’t stand people are so smug about being one and done. Insta accounts are targeting an algorithm of opposites so you rarely get a neutral view.

There are a few nice one and done groups on Facebook, I find that better as I rarely am on Facebook so only look at it when I feel I’d find it helpful.

Another thing that helped me is looking into the research around poor mental health in parenting and the impact of bad mental health on your children and the long term implications. I was a broken woman last year - cried everyday for six months and just lost myself entirely to anger and sadness. And I could see it was affecting my little boy in small ways. I think what hit me was that the three months after losing the baby girl was such a blur. And I just didn’t want to lose any more of my son’s childhood to trying, grief and trauma. It had to stop for him, and I had to get better for the baby I had that was living.

Also when you look around, most of my friends with multiple kids aren’t doing well. And im not happy about that, it doesn’t make me feel better I wouldn’t wish our fertility and loss journey on anyone etc. But the reality is unless you’ve a lot of money or a huge support network, life is hard and expensive for parents, people are also becoming parents much older now and therefore grandparents aren’t able to be as hands on because they’re older. However while it wasn’t what we wanted I cannot deny that we manage having one beautifully and far better then I’d have managed two. It’s balanced, all our needs are met. Mornings aren’t chaos, we’re not burned out. Life just feels moderate in a good way. And look as much as I’d have loved two, as I approach 40 and my husband 44 I know in my heart we would not thrive or be the parents we want to be if we had a baby now. No matter how grateful I would be for a second baby, I’d have to unpick and heal all my anger regarding our journey and how many years it’s taken. I’d feel exhausted and too old, and then that would spiral me.

It was a year last month since we lost our fourth baby. And honestly while I have lows around my period especially, the last few months the darkness is lifting. Plan things that make you happy. And just utilise the time and energy to do more of what you love. For me it’s health, exercise, seeing friends, travelling with my son and husband. Have things to look forward to.

You just do, life goes on, enjoy what you have. There are many people who have just one child for all sorts of reasons - and a few who cannot have one! You are blessed to have a child, have fun.

A lovely sentiment, but I think if it was that easy we’d all just be cracking on and having one. Decisions that are taken out of our hands are hard to accept and take time to heal from. It’s ok for OP to be struggling and needing tactics and strategies to cope. Grieving what we don’t have or have lost, doesn’t mean we’re not grateful for the children we have, or that we’re not enjoying them or not having fun. But you can still struggle. That’s not a sign of being ungrateful. Especially when we live in a world obsessed with pregnancy, that tells us constantly children need siblings, and social media full of pregnancy announcements and gender reveals.

I am I n similar position and similar ages (me and child) as I don’t have a partner. It’s funny as I thought the same that I’d be so grateful just to have one, but as soon as you have one you’re in family life school run etc frame of mind so you want more to join your gang so much and you want it for your child too. I didn’t know this before. If you’re not a mother at all then you can actually enjoy free time and travel and spoiling yourself etc.

I also feel so jealous of pregnancy announcements.

if helpful, one of my pregnancy yoga friends finally had her first bag by ivf at 42, she then tried again and gave up. She had a happy accident at 45, the first time she ever conceived naturally and is now a mum of two boys (but still grieving not having a girl! We’ll never be happy will we!)

She’s got cousins which is a blessing

We only have one child, he’s a teenager now and the three of us (husband, son and I) are so close. My relationship with my son is so strong, he confides in me so much and we have so much fun together. He and I have been away abroad for long weekends together and the three of us do so much together. Having only one child means all your parenting energy and resource goes to that one child, We both work full time in a demanding job but I’ve never felt that I haven’t been able to five him all the time and regent he needs from us. As an older teen he still wants to hang out with us as much as his friends. I genuinely don’t think this closeness the three of us have but would have been the same had there been a sibling in the picture. I’ve asked DS a number of times and every time he’s been adamant that he wouldn’t want a sibling (even when he was younger). On top of all this, the world is changing, the job market is tough, and cost of living is rising. I take so much comfort in knowing that if he struggles to find a job or afford rent or a house deposit, we will be able to support him far more than we would if our resources were split between more children. Another positive is we have traveled to so many countries, experienced amazing things and made amazing memories which we may not have afforded with more children (I know making memories doesn’t have to cost a lot but we love to travel). Please, please believe me that there are so many positives to having only one child.