Why do people say such rude unhelpful things because I have one?

[Enchanted82]

I’m feeling so sad and could do with some advice.
we are one and done,(DD8) it has always felt the right decision for us for many reasons and I never yearned for another but…. Others make such horrible comments and it really gets to me and I feel I am failing because my daughter doesn’t have a sibling. Things like ‘she must be so lonely’ how horrible she had nobody to play with during Covid’ ‘ I guess she is very close to grandparents because she doesn’t hsve a sibling’

isn’t the most important thing in life being safe, loved and having parents who love one another? So many children don’t have that.

we do everything we can to help our daughter lead a full life, develop friendships, spend time doing hobbies and with friends. she has parents who support and love her.

I'm sorry people are being such dicks. You are of course right - I doubt this will help you but parents of large families also get stick. You can't really win - too old, too young, too many, too few, both girls, both boys, what a shame. A woman's place is in the wrong.

I have one dc but I've never had that issue.

Is it family who make comments? Neighbours? Friends? Do you come from a large family or a community where large families are the norm?

It sounds like your DD has a lovely life. Don't feel bad for a second.

I get this all the time too OP. We are one and done, DS is 8 and I still get comments about when are we going to give him a sibling! Strange how nobody ever says it to my DH though. I just ignore them now. We are so happy as a family of 3 and have never changed our mind after we decided to be one and done (pretty much as soon as he was born).

I just think these people must have such boring lives or regret their own choices if my choice has such an impact on them!

People have too much to say about things that are nothing to do with them. I don't see why they think it means being lonely, or why they think having a multitude of siblings automatically means they all get on well and are the best of friends. My daughter is an only child and like you we have tried to ensure she has been able to develop solid friendships, and also encouraged team sports. She would also have had to share a room with a sibling and she would hate it 😆

Thanks for the lovely replies. I feel people look at me and my daughter and just feel sorry for us which really upsets me. I hope that’s in my head!!
it seems many people think any sibling of any kind is better even if they don’t really get on.

You are blessed to have your daughter so if anyone makes silly comments just say we feel incredibly lucky to have a child, not everyone is blessed with children. Ignore ignorant people.

Because they're idiots. You know they're idiots. If it helps, I'm a lesbian single parent with one birth child and one adopted and we are different ethnicities and people say crass stuff ALL the time. Especially to my adopted child. To her face. I have grown a very thick skin!

The 'lonely only' thing really baffles me because we all know so many happy onlys and many for whom life with siblings was and is hell. There is no family structure that guarantees happiness.

BTW I had two siblings, a year either side of me, and I had a miserably lonely childhood with no friends. Even my siblings didn't play with me!

I’m sorry people are being so unkind.

i had an accidental second but i had planned to be one and done.

i don’t want to project, but being in the absolute trenches with two small kids has convinced me that all nasty ‘lonely only’ stuff in this day and age is just people justifying their own choices.

i love my bonus baby but having him has been of great sacrifice to my mental health and my daughter definitely has a worse mother (for now). I miss the days of balance and where me
and my husband could give 50% each and still have a big chunk left for our own hobbies and self-care. Everything is nuts now.

I am sure it will all be fine in the end and I will regret nothing, but I do feel a little wistful when I see a family like yours walk down the street. Three muskateers!

one child families are becoming more common so I hope you hear these comments less and less.

I don’t know why they say it, I think sometimes people don’t really think before they speak. We are one and done, and people always ask “just the one child?”. I don’t think they mean anything by the word ‘just’ but it does suggest you are lacking in something by having one child. I catch myself saying it too - just the one! - although have been trying hard not to say that now as we absolutely feel complete as a family. I also do make a point to people about the use of the word ‘just’ when they use it in that context. I can imagine it being quite hurtful to only kids to hear a suggestion that they aren’t enough. I’ve not heard anyone say anything purposefully negative to me about having one. In fact, another mum at the school was chatting to me the other day and she was saying how the calmest, most well adjusted adults she knows in life are all only children. She has 2 boys 😄. So there are people out there who have good things to say about only children even when they have more than 1 themselves. As long as you know you are giving your kids a good life and they have lots of love and other opportunities to hang out with kids, then I wouldn’t take any notice of people being rude or thoughtless about it.

It' quite a dated attitude. The average number of children is no longer 2.4, it's something like 1.7 (don't quote me). This will become the norm everywhere in the coming years. Where do you live? Is it quite a traditional place? (not meant patronisingly). In London were I am nearly all the families I know are one-child (and nearly all the mums have their DC at around 40 incidentally). It's completely normal. I know a handful of 2 child families through the school, and no-one with more than 2.

Just in case that helps you feel less of an outlier!

I'll be completely honest; I do often wonder "why?" When families only have the one child, but I accept that's rude and judgemental so I'd never ask in real life or make my thoughts known.

The families I've known where there's an only child have either been because of fertility struggles or leaving it very late to have children. Well, there was one that didn't really want them, had one, and pretty much regretted it, so was definitely not having another. Her child is a horror too now he's older, nasty boy with a terrible attitude - but I can understand where it comes from.

Same here. No-one has ever been rude to me because DD is an only child. I do have a few friends with only children as well though.

In our case it is because we couldn't have any more so that usually shuts people up, but I never encountered rude comments in the first place.

Why, though? It's just in your head that a family with one child is a family marked by loss/fertility struggles, or a parent who has discovered too late she didn't really want children. For many or most, it's a completely ordinary choice. It simply never occurred to me to have a second child, whether before or after we had DS.

I'll be honest, I find it quite strange that so many people opt to have more than one child. But I don't assume they had a second child because of contraceptive failure, social pressure or some ill-thought-out assumptions about only children being spoilt, selfish Little Emperors. I assume they made the decision on grounds on which most of us make decisions most of the time -- 'This is what works for me.'

OP, people's weird comments about being the parent of an only child are absolutely nothing to do with you and your daughter, and everything to do with their own issues and assumptions. Feel free to reply with 'I'm embarrassed for you that you thought that was an acceptable thing to say out loud' and move on. Their shit is their shit.

We've had the comments too. Many years ago when DS was only little someone even said "but if you don't have another and something happens to DS you don't have a child anymore" like I'm going to have a just in case child 😡

I have one and have never had any comments - perhaps it depends where you live? I live in a small block of flats and out of the five families that have children - four of them have one child. So it's nothing unusual round these parts!

Yes, like you'd carry a spare pair of knickers or something, or were some medieval queen who had to churn out an heir and a spare before she could hang a 'RETIRED FROM ACTIVE REPRODUCTION' sign on her marital bed.

People are weird.

They are thoughtless OP, i have 1, also a daughter age 8 😁 and haven't had any of those comments, i don't quiz people why they had 2 etc?! Each to their own.
I love having 1 and she has no interest in a sibling.

OP I could have written this myself! All though my girl is only 2! I definitely don't want another! For my personal reasons ( having a horrendous birth with her didn't help) but I just honestly feel overwhelmed and so stressed with my DD on the daily and I refuse to add more to the mix to make it worse. Plus I really don't think we could afford another one with the cost of living as it is now! Just having her we are/ I'm happy! Please do not let anyone judge you! Your preference, your life! 💐💐💞

This is absolutely fucking vile! I'm sorry you had to endure that! People are assholes when they want to be!

@LateQuartet and @Yorkshiremum80 exactly! Should you have three in case something happens to two of them?! Nonsense.

I empathise! I had a CAB DRIVER basically telling me mine was screwed for life as I’d denied them a sibling. FFS. It’s like some last taboo…. Think it’s a hangover from olden days when you needed more to work for you/prove how wealthy you were, and some other cultures still look down on one.

Sorry, it’s hard to take after a while! Especially when mine begs for (an impossible to come by) baby brother or sister

@chocolatelover91 our reasons were all of the reasons you mentioned. I know, I need to get stronger and not let other peoples judgment get to me. Like you say, it’s not their life so why do they care?!

I have have one that is grown up and moved out.
You can imagine what some have said to me when they hear im 38 and an empty nester.
I really dont care either i laugh at.

Because people can’t butt out. Whatever you do someone will always pick and question and criticise. Enjoy your daughter x