Tired of feeling so guilty having one child - please knock some sense into me!

[Livefreely]

I have a 7 year old - happily married and our child (we like to think) is a very balanced, happy child. Despite both of us working full time we have a lot of flexibility and prioritise time as a family.
Rather than focus on how lucky we are to have what we we have, enjoy our life, be grateful we are all well, all I do is continually dwell on how my child is unfortunate and not having a happy life because of not having a sibling.
I feel I overcompensate by having so many playdates, busy at weekends seeing friends and then in the Summer holidays its even worse because I feel guilty if they are playing on their own even for half an hour.
I feel if they had a sibling I wouldnt put myself under this constant pressure.
Why am I doing this to myself? Why do i feel they are having a terrible childhood when I know she is content and we are doing our best as parents?

What were your reasons for not having a second?

@politicalintrigue at the time money was very tight and we had spent 45k on childcare from 12 months until school at 4. Lived in an expensive area for childcare.
Couldnt bring ourselves to go through that again. No family nearby to help with childcare either

Try to take a step back and not give yourself such a hard time. Your daughter doesn’t know any different to the life she has and you say yourself she is happy and balanced. A sibling won’t make a difference now anyway as she is already 7 so don’t use that as a stick to beat yourself with either. It sounds like you are a great mum, and very considerate of her needs, she doesn’t need to be entertained all of the time and some quiet time and independent play will be great for her development too. I say this as the mum of one, I’m going to give her the best life I can and I don’t feel guilty for a lack of siblings, it’s just the way it is and our unit of three works perfectly for us 😊

I think it’s the societal expectation to have a second that may play a part and stigmas out there about only children, it makes you feel as though you’re doing a disservice to your child by not ‘giving them’ a sibling.

I’m considering sticking at 1 and think I will feel guilty either way, guilty if I have a second because I’ll be taking away time, attention, energy, resources from my 1st, and guilty if I don’t have a second!

Are you and your husband only children? Does your children have access to wider family like cousins? I would prioritise those relationships over play dates

there’s 7 years between me and my brother and we are very close

in fact i need to bloomin call him for a chat, and this thread has reminded me of that!

but money aside, you wanted another child?

Heyooo happy only child here! Had a great childhood, reading/doing my own thing didn't need entertainment all the time

There's a lot of social stigma around only children ... MIL once commented 'poor CuGwawa, she doesn't have any siblings'

except

1. She and FIL both hate their siblings
2. DH and his sister don't get on.If she died tomorrow it would have zero impact on his life. Not kidding.

Meanwhile in my own family I've had other sibling/inheritance drama with aunts and uncles.

My inaws definitely aren't too bright.

Have another child if you want one, as a whole human. Not as a companion for your daughter
second child could make her life worse . If they don't get on, severe SEN etc. you don't know what the future holds.

If she had a sibling they might play together well or they might fight all the time. Playing alone is an important skill for a child to have.

You’re doing great having lots of play dates, your child will get lots of social contact at school too and at any hobbies she attends. It’s ok to have family time as well, time to connect with parents is also very important. £45k on childcare is insane and that’s £45k that’s coming out of the family budget so that could have a huge impact on your daughter.

It’s great that she’s balanced and happy, the societal expectations to have a second can be toxic at times.

I honestly can relate to everything you have said so much. I have a four year old boy who is happy, healthy and thriving yet I constantly seek validation from this page that I’m not alone in worrying about my only child.

He has never asked about brothers and sisters, he has a happy life with friends, preschool friends, cousins and soon to be new school friends and yet I constantly beat myself up. We experienced two losses last year and have since decided to stop the constant wheel of trying/sadness/trauma to have another baby. We both know we would only be having another baby to give him a sibling and in all honesty I think he would hate having to share the attention he has from us now and the family unit of 3 we have built.

You don’t miss what you have never had and I really hope that I can leave the guilt behind and focus on everything he does have. I honestly think the love he is given (and having a mentally well and happy mum) will mean more to his childhood than a sibling. I hope you find peace with it soon too. You sound like you are a lovely mum xx

It’s not always necessary to have siblings. Would you be able to double the amount you pay for childcare? Also, more money on food/clothes/shoes/school uniforms in a few more years.

I’m from a big family- 6 children. None of us in contact now. DH’s son was an only child until he was 16 and he is successful and happy.

I am a perfectly happy only child.
DH has two siblings, and there is always a row or a drama going on about something. It’s exhausting. I think when the remaining parent shuffles off, they will have minimal if any contact, so dont be assuming your DC is missing out on sibling relationships because they’re not guaranteed to be harmonious.

Also, teenagers - the expense is huge, so be glad you’ll be able to give your child a good life. Plus future uni fees/driving lessons/house deposits, all more realistic with one child.

What a useless comment!

OP, are you feeling like this because you actually would have like another but finances wouldn't allow? There's a difference between not wanting another emotionally and not wanting another for other reasons.

In any case, people often wonder 'what if' but you can just search on this chat forum and see plenty of posts about people deeply regretting having another child.

So glad I've found this. Contemplating a 2nd but don't know if I can do it !

Wow OP, are you me?! I can relate to everything you have said. We have a 7 year old. We considered having another one when he was 4 but as time went on we realised that the age gap was getting too big for us personally and we have a very happy life as the 3 of us with plenty of friends and cousins.
School holidays are the worst for mum guilt. I feel bad if he has a day without seeing other children but then also guilty if we’re here there and everywhere without any downtime. I am coming to realise that parenting is constantly questioning your decisions! 🤯

@melsw yes to the summer holidays being the absolute worst for mum guilt! I know it’s so irrational really because whst matters is being a good parent and role model and being as present as you can for your child which I really hope I am. And I am maybe projecting how I feel when she seems perfectly fine so it’s my worries getting in the way. Silly reallly when written down!

@BippityBopper thats a very good point. Definitely more head over heart decision initially- I definitely didn’t want to put us in an extremely difficult financial position in order to have another child and potentially jeopardize my marriage as husband wasn’t sure about a second at the time and I would never do anything unless we both agreed.

I had siblings and our DC have siblings and we all played alone more than together overall. If you're meeting up with friends lots she's having better play mates than an age gap sibling for playing with anyway.

@user98265374687 you are so right- in fact my husband can’t stand his brother, they are so different and only speak and see each other on a few occasions!
I think it’s being surrounded by so many who have 3, it’s thrown me a bit as they appear to be so contented and make it look so easy when I really struggled in the early years having one

This!!!!

I have just watched my mum have all the care of my beloved late gran dumped on her. She has 3 siblings. May as well have been an only child, their lives carried on and hers (and mine) was ruined. I am an only and having seen that I won’t be having a large family.

@lazysummerdayz im an only child, husband has a sister but no children yet but she does have a great relationship with both sets of grandparents.

I was one and done never been happier.
He`s 20 now and im free.

I'm an only, my dad was an only, his mum was an only and DD is an only. DH has a sister but they've never been close.
I have never, ever wanted a sibling and DD is fine. She is sociable with a good variety of friends but also likes her own space too.
Being a family unit of 3 is great: holidays are cheaper as is housing as you only need 2 bedrooms. Being an only grandchild is even better and DD is utterly spoiled time wise with my parents.
We have been able to comfortably afford 1 child in a way we could never have afforded 2. Yes it requires more effort around arranging time with friends but I don't regret only having 1.

I wish I'd been an only child. My sister is a hateful bitch who has stopped at nothing to make my life miserable since I can remember.

Siblings don't necessarily like each other is my point