Tired of feeling so guilty having one child - please knock some sense into me!

[Livefreely]

I have a 7 year old - happily married and our child (we like to think) is a very balanced, happy child. Despite both of us working full time we have a lot of flexibility and prioritise time as a family.
Rather than focus on how lucky we are to have what we we have, enjoy our life, be grateful we are all well, all I do is continually dwell on how my child is unfortunate and not having a happy life because of not having a sibling.
I feel I overcompensate by having so many playdates, busy at weekends seeing friends and then in the Summer holidays its even worse because I feel guilty if they are playing on their own even for half an hour.
I feel if they had a sibling I wouldnt put myself under this constant pressure.
Why am I doing this to myself? Why do i feel they are having a terrible childhood when I know she is content and we are doing our best as parents?

You really shouldn't feel pressurised, it's your choice. I am an only child and honestly the only time I missed having a sibling was when first my mum then dad died. It would have been good to have someone to share the grief with.

I also had an only child, a son who died, so perhaps that should be a consideration.

There is really no right or wrong, only pluses and negatives which, all things being equal, even out, so please don't punish yourself over it!
Seeing as she is an 'only' though, don't worry about leaving her to play on her own. It's fabulous for the imagination and can therefore be a plus point rather than a minus point!

Sorry I know this is the one child topic board and I'm barging in. I just wanted to say I have 4 and they have spent probably...70% of their summer holidays bickering. I feel like I can't do enough to entertain them and days invariably end with me ranting to DH when he gets home. I can't wait to go back to work 🙈 alas, as a teacher I brought this on myself and will always have the school holidays off. I genuinely find a classroom of kids easier to manage.
You're not alone and I know our experience of parenting is very different, I just wanted to let you know whether you have one or many more, you'll have times where you doubt yourself. It sounds like you're doing a great job and your child is growing up in a lovely stable environment.

Hated my brother as a kid, NEVER played together, beat each other up, fought constantly, he stole my stuff as we got older, we're fine now but not close.
I have an only, she's 8 and very happy as an only (we ask!) she has lots of friends so has playdates but also has plenty of weekends etc doing things with us.
We have a great life as a family of 3.

Also why are people so invested in others family size ? I'm not interested in how many kids people have got as I don't believe the more the better. I feel people have more kids due to society pressure and not what they want.

We have one child (by choice).

Occasionally I add her lack of siblings to the litany of parental guilt I feel, and she sometimes tells me she wants a sister (that ship has sailed).

But over all, I have no regrets, she is loved, we have time to spend with her 1:1, we have enough money to provide her with opportunities and experiences which would be impossible (for us) with a bigger family, she has lots of friends, we have a close family network.

All in all, I'm happy with our choice. But I too sometimes feel the pang of societal expectation.

I'm the same. Terrible things have been said to me about my choice. Lots don't realise I had fertility treatment and was in an abusive marriage. I'm not willing to discuss these things in a public domain so 🤐

Wow, are you me, OP?
I've commented before on these threads. I have an only, she'll be 7 before the year is out.
I had terrible dark early years with her and once I got my life back I never wanted to do it again. Despite people constantly asking me if having another for a long time (!) I have made peace. Some people are meant to have multiple children, I am not one of them.
I also feel like a person in my own right as well as being a mother and like to have chance to be that end pursue some hobbies.

You sound like I'm amazing mother! Bugger society!
If society wants me to have 2 kids they much they can come and look after them 😅
It sounds like your daughter is well looked after ,has lots of friends and attention .
Siblings aren't all that.
You will be fine x

This thread says what the reality is if you are a single family BY CHOICE.. not because you have no choice..

Building a ‘family’ as an adult only child www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/5145758-building-a-family-as-an-adult-only-child

I have two kids, like chalk and cheese. Don't really entertain each other and if one is happy doing something the other one isn't.

I'm an only child and never once felt I was missing out on anything. You don't know what you don't know. My mum didn't go out her way to entertain me either. I spent alot of happy time by myself playing and I developed an amazing imagination! I found making friends quite easy and though I developed some social anxiety as a teen I still moved out when I was 18, went to uni, spent a few summers backpacking in different parts of the world, got a good job and am married with 2 kids now. Being an only made me highly independent, I don't rely on anyone and still need my alone time. It never once occurred to me that not having brothers or sisters was odd. Please don't feel guilty

I have secondary infertility and IVF is not a plan for me.
I am a type of a person who just never compares to others to the extent of thinking that their life should be mine. Why? I am very happy ( as the child also who loves being the only - keeps repeating it almost every day)

I can tell you the amazing family weekends we have, the adventures, the laughs ( my husband is so joyful and comedic) but you can imagine. Live your life !!!

I am 2/2 and my brother disliked me quite a lot when we were children, and I actually felt a bit like an only sometimes, or wished I was, like my best friend was, whose parents had been in their late 30’s, early forties when they had her. My parents were 21/22 when they had my brother and me.

Our relationship became so poor after our mum died and it was revealed that he had subjected my ex SIL to do, and she divorced him. I have been NC since 2011, but still speak to and see my ex-SIL regularly. She is the best friend I speak of earlier, and I encouraged her to go out with my brother the summer we left school, as she told me she fancied him. Worst thing I ever did and I’m surprised she’ll even give me the time of day.

My children really have such separate lives...just different genders, stages of life, interests etc. They are not really company for each other. They have friends and cousins for company.

I hated being an only child. Even as an adult, I hate it. I have two because I couldn't bare the thought of my first growing up alone like I did. But I also had two absent parents... Maybe it would've been completely different if I had involved parents who actually gave a shit?

These threads always pull up the same stuff "well you can't guarantee siblings will get on"
"My sibling and I are best friends"
"I was an only and I was happy"
"I was an only and I hated it"
"I don't get on with my brother today"

You don't have much control about how your child will feel. All you can do is offer the best life you can for your child and hope somehow it works out

Thank you @TuVuoiFaLamericano I totally agree and actually there is so much in childhood beyond siblings or no siblings that is simply out of our control and you hope for the best! When I think about it there are so many issues to potentially face with children as they develop and get older? I know it’s silly just focusing on siblings when there are far bigger things to navigate as they grow!

At the age of 7 my sister and I were running around our large garden, her chasing me with the heaviest stick she could run with to try and smash my head. Our relationship has never improved.
research shows only children are happier in life - no competing for resources etc. They know they’re the favourite
experience tells me only children sometimes obsess about how much nicer life would be with siblings. A grass is greener thing. Sounds like you’re obsessing about a problem that doesn’t exist - your own post says as much

I love having an only child. For me health and the basics for life are what really matters. I have these for the three of us ....I cannot change what people think of me. So if they think they outdid me for having larger brood, ok. Bit their kids are not mine. Lol. How that makes me feel bad when I honestly give shot how many you've got ....my only still will be much more intelligent, beautiful and all that than your 10

You look at larger families and their poor looks and lack of gifts, intelligence and charm....so

I genuinely believe there are pros and cons to both and one is not better than the other. The experience will be different for each but the grass will always look greener without the full picture. I know I couldn’t be a good mother to more than one child and that is more important to me than providing a sibling. How many children you have has to be a decision the parent makes and not the child. It’s the same reason she doesn’t have a pony or anything else she asks for that would not work for us. Loving parents and stability outweigh the chance benefits a sibling may or may not bring, if you cannot provide both (which I can’t)

@OnlyheretovoteonAIBU agree 100%.

Sibling relationships seem a lottery.

mine were/are complicated. My DC get on OK but there have always been some issues between them and with family dynamics - teens now and it’s not easy.

i have guilt over many aspects of motherhood: wonder if you could be similar and if it wasn’t this it’d be something else! Am trying to work on it because in my case the guilt isn’t constructive/helping anyone.

don’t think it’s actually helping your DC to seek to avoid them being alone / bored at times.

It's the perceived stigma of only having one child that is causing you to feel this way.

That only children are spoiled, lonely, can only interact with adults etc. all bollocks of course.

Society is shifting though and so many parents opt just to have one these days. We did and so did many of our friends.

Raising children is bloody hard these days when there is so little family help available, both parents have to work to make ends meet not to mention the eye watering costs of raising a child and supporting them into adulthood.

I have had similar feelings of guilt myself but I've let go of that now. Mine is 9 and I'm giving him the best life I can. We're all just doing our best, please don't be hard on yourself, your daughter will be just fine.

She is 7 now, so even if you had another child, they would grow up quite separately. It's now a lot more common to have only one child so that's a big improvement. My niece is an only child. She's 30 now and told her mum she loves being an only and wouldn't have it any other way . She is very close to her cousins and happy to have her mum and dads undivided attention. It also must help financially right into adulthood to only have one .