Tired of feeling so guilty having one child - please knock some sense into me!

[Livefreely]

I have a 7 year old - happily married and our child (we like to think) is a very balanced, happy child. Despite both of us working full time we have a lot of flexibility and prioritise time as a family.
Rather than focus on how lucky we are to have what we we have, enjoy our life, be grateful we are all well, all I do is continually dwell on how my child is unfortunate and not having a happy life because of not having a sibling.
I feel I overcompensate by having so many playdates, busy at weekends seeing friends and then in the Summer holidays its even worse because I feel guilty if they are playing on their own even for half an hour.
I feel if they had a sibling I wouldnt put myself under this constant pressure.
Why am I doing this to myself? Why do i feel they are having a terrible childhood when I know she is content and we are doing our best as parents?

Oh I've also been able to maintain my career which in my mid-40s I'm now reaping the rewards of.

We have an only too. Not out of choice but for health reasons and a very traumatic time getting him here. It really kills me sometimes that he won't have a sibling, to the point I feel jealous and very sad (though happy for them too!) when I see others with children, pregnant again etc. It's also very hard when reading comments on things like MN about how sad it is being an only. I hope with time I will feel better. I hope you OP find peace with it too.

@twistyizzy thank you for the message, and I agree with your comments entirely. I’m starting to realise it’s me projecting perhaps how I feel rather than anything she has said or feels!
I don’t worry about the future, I have no doubt she will become a wonderfully strong independent woman, I think I just fill my head with images of all my friends who have 3 or 4 kids having this fabulous time together over school holidays!

I worry about this too. My DD is 4 and I feel pressure to have another to give her a sibling, even though I don't really want another child. It's nothing to do with finances, I just don't want to go through it all again.

That's why I feel guilty I think, because I feel it's for very selfish reasons and my DD will resent me for it when older.
It doesn't help we don't really have much contact with our siblings so she doesn't see her cousins much, we live rurally so no neighbouring kids to play with, and playdates are few and far between. I hope that changes a bit when she starts school.

We have an only (dd15), though not through choice (infertility). I think sometimes it is harder for the parents to accept it as obviously the kids don’t fully know the difference and we’re using rose tinted spectacles, assuming the relationships would be perfect.

For the most part our life is great, we can easily take a friend with us on days out or holidays (taking 2 of DD’s friends away with us soon). We also have holidays with friends and on our own. I guess the younger years are quite full on, when you have to organise things but this does get easier.

Fundamentally, you need to work to accept the situation if you aren’t going to change it. I had to learn to accept I wouldn’t have a second child and I was determined that I wouldn’t let it ruin my time with my dd, after all it took us a long time and a lot of treatment, to have her. I wanted to enjoy her to the full. It did take time but acceptance came. Maybe it’s different if you’re choosing not to have more but you need to redirect your thoughts every time you find yourself feeling negative. Whether that is to counter the negative or just to think about what to have for dinner, doesn’t matter but you can’t dwell on it. Gradually, you’ll find it reduces until its minimal (hopefully anyway).

Best of luck, your Dc is very lucky you’re so thoughtful and caring.

We only have one child, it's bloody brilliant. She's happy, we're happy, no regrets- she's a teen now.

My sibling was abusive and caused me a lot of trauma. I know thankfully this is unusual, but it simply isn't the case that a sibling is a guaranteed bestie that plays nicely together and keep in touch as adults.

This is silly, OP, you’re projecting and catastrophising. It never occurred to me to have more than one child, and it’s equally never occurred to me to overcompensate by cramming his days full of play dates.

I am an only with loving and supportive parents and I was also spoiled materially with ponies etc. My father was also an only and as a result I was also spoiled with attention and material things from grandparents who doted on their only grandchild. Despite all this I always felt something was missing and I was adamant from quite a young age that I would have more than one child. I went on to have two and they are very close and look out for each other and I am very thankful for that as I know it is not always case. I think being an only can be problematic in cases. I think I had unrealistically high expectations when I started having relationships as I was so used to being the centre of everyone's universe that anything less felt like I was being short changed. Also as an adult it was a lot of responsibility dealing with illness and death of parents on my own. I have a fantastic husband who was always there for me but it wasn't the same as sharing the responsibility and the loss with a sibling. I had a high flying career before I had my children but I continued to progress very well after having two and materially we are very comfortable and can give them all the opportunities they could wish for. I don't think my career suffered at all by having two children. I believe having more than one takes the pressure of expectation off significantly. I was definitely far more relaxed when my DD came along and on reflection I think we had PFB syndrome with my DS. My only slight regret is that I didn't have three. Saying all that, it is different for everyone but more than one was definitely right for me.

@PraiaPerfecta but you were spoilt, that's why your expectations were high, not because you were an only child.

We plan to only have one and I think it's inevitable that you will occasionally have pangs of guilt. But for me personally, I'd feel far more guilt dividing my resources among more children. Upending my son's life now when it's so good. Potentially ruining it or making it a thousand times harder if the second child had severe additional needs. Not being able to give my son everything I possibly could, or make his life in future more comfortable. I do believe that love multiplies when you have a second, but nothing else does so by definition he'd always be getting half of what he does as an only.

I wish I was an only child. I don't have one single happy memory with my sibling and remember my entire childhood as pretty miserable because we never got along and fought every single day, which impacted on my relationship with my parents too. My sibling has added nothing but negatives to my life, and won't be any support in future when my parents are ill or pass away.

As a parent to an only child, you do have a responsibility to facilitate their social lives for them a bit more. But if you're doing that, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

My dh is an only. His parents put no pressure on him re marriage and or grandkids and i won't be putting any pressure on my only.. his dad has died but when/if his mum gets ill i will obviously help so he's not alone.

I have a single 12 year old and honestly it's fine. I really recommend Susan Newman's books as she has done a lot of research into only children and has some great advice on parenting an only child successfully. Only children have the same outcomes as the oldest child with siblings and their mental health is better than average. You have nothing to feel guilty about as long as you facilitate their wider network, don't over parent them and don't make them feel responsible for you.

The most important relationship to any child is the one they have with you

I felt like this when my DS was younger, especially during the school holidays. However now he is 14 I don't feel guilty at all. Life is very different (in a good way) with a teenager and he loves being an only. Over the summer he's spent lots of time with his friends in town, going to the cinema, golfing, sleepovers, playing football at the park, skiing at the dry ski slopes near us- all arranged himself. We holiday with friends quite a lot too which is great.

Also if like me you struggle with 1 why do it again? My mum had 2 kids and made it quite obvious she hated motherhood

Right there with you OP!

Dd would love a sibling, she's quite shy but loves to be running round with other kids. She just struggles to make that first step to get involved and I think having a sibling would help her be a bit more outgoing.
I'm a massive introvert and trying to make friends with other parents so she can have play dates is sooooo out of my comfort zone.

I could hear the neighbours kids splashing around in the garden the other day and felt so bad for dd being on her own.

If things had worked out we would have had another one but sadly, for whatever reason it just never happened for us.

I console myself with the fact my brother is an arsehole and thank god she's not had to navigate the pain of having a sibling who causes nothing but drama!

The material spoiling was pretty irrelevant. It was the emotional intensity that caused the problems for me. My emotional expectations were high because my I had four adults who only had me to focus all their love, attention and unspoken expectations on. It was weirder because of the only grandchild situation. My children are also in a strange situation as only grandchildren on both sides as his sibling has no children. However, although my DC are very close to their grandparents and adored, they don't have that laser focus on them that I had. I never told my parents about how I felt about being an only child. It happened because of fertility issues and even as a young teenager I felt it would be cruel to say how I really felt. I have never had friendship issues and back in less PC times, people frequently commented that I wasn't a typical only child. However, when romantic relationships started, wow it was a different story. It's obviously not a bad thing to have a high bar regarding how you want to be treated but my expectations were ridiculous and I really had to learn how to share people. On the flip side, I think being an only child builds strong resilience and independence and these are great things to have. It also makes me appreciate my own children's relationship more. It's the little things like taking them on holiday when they were little and they always had each other to play with and not ever needing anyone else. I always had to seek out other children to play with and felt lonely even with my parents around. I think I am fortunate that my children are very close even as young adults. I may have felt very different if they hadn't had that relationship.

I don't know why you would feel guilty about anything. An only child is just the same as any child in most ways. Siblings may or may not get on, there's no guarantee. Playing alone is fantastic for a child's imagination, don't be afraid to let your child have that time, it's brilliant for their brain development. Mixing that with some play dates and they will have a really healthy balance. I'm happy that we only have one dd as we feel that, for us, we'll be in a better position to help her in life both emotionally and financially.

There's not a right or wrong number of children to have.

@UpTheMagicFarawayTree absolutely agree with everything you have said, it’s quite irrational really, I’m surrounded ( unusually) with so many families who have 3, and from what I see they enjoy each others company, enjoy playing together, I’m sure it’s not like that most of the time but that’s where I feel guilty, the long holidays particularly when so much time is spent without other children and I worry it’s boring for her. Of course I do my best to facilitate playdates, friends come and stay over with their kids etc but can’t do that all day every day! Lol

@spiderplant56 i so relate to your comment about hearing neighbours who have multiple kids playing together and feeling guilty mine doesn’t have that unless I ask people over. Summer holidays are definitely the worst for feeling like this.
as you say though, absolutely no guarantees! I have no worries about the future, she will be a strong young lady I hope, it’s more these early years 😊

I can relate to this about hearing siblings playing together in the garden and feeling sad for my only child but I also think we only hear the half of it. I have friends with two children or more who are constantly breaking up arguments or having to referee because one child wants to watch one show whilst it’s too young for the older sidling and this leads to more arguments. They are constantly driving across the city to different activities and they feel completely pulled in different directions trying to keep everyone happy.

Although I would have loved more children I also appreciate that I don’t feel that level of guilt and I can concentrate my attention solely on one child. I look at others and often envy their bigger family size or the picture perfect 2 children photos on social media but I also hear from friends they wish they could give their children the same attention as when they only had one.

I have two brothers who barely tolerate each other and were never close even as children so I know that it’s not always as rosy as my overthinking imagination would lead me to believe!

I think ultimately we always feel the grass is greener!

Yes she's an only but she has two parents who are there for her, we can afford for her to do any hobby she likes, to have a tutor if she needed, go on holidays and spoil her if we wanted. We can afford to save for her future.

I have friends with multiple kids who can't afford to do these things and sure they wouldn't change it, as they love their children they also see the upside of only having one!

At the moment dd would love a sibling, but chances are if we had one she'd soon want them gone again when the attention isn't fully on her! And I hope that when she's older and we explain our infertility she will understand why we didn't have another. We know how lucky we are to have her!

Do not worry OP!

EVERY only child I grew up with seems so much more confident as an adult compared to ones with siblings.

I've read that your character is defined by your relationship with your siblings and not with your parents.

So many siblings IME (including my own sister) grow up defined by how their parents loved them in comparison to their siblings.

That doubt is just removed with an only child.

Just to put it into perspective - also one DC a similar age. Single parent, no support. Few play dates and no family around. My child is incredibly happy and loving and has a great life. That’s all that matters. Plays on own or with me and is incredibly imaginative and content. You need to relax

I'm a great mum of one, would be an ok mum of two. (I just don't have enough time and I can't stand bickering).

I love that my child doesn't have to compete for my attention. It's funny that both me and my sibling chose to have onlys. I think we both felt that we didn't really get a lot of parent time and positive attention. We get on fine as adults but we are very different.

😕