OAD but pregnant again

[NavyPeer]

Attempting this thread again.

Just to make it crystal clear- I am posting in ‘one-child families’. I am seeking responses from those who are part of a one-child family. Last time I tried this thread, I was bombarded with stereotypes of only children before the page filled up. It was about to turn nasty so I got the thread pulled. If you are not the parent of a OCF, unless you are 100% supportive- don’t bother posting. This isn’t ‘Am I Being Unreasonable’.

Disclaimer over. Phew.

OAD. Unexpectedly pregnant with the apparent ‘perfect’ age gap.

Me and my husband love our lives. We have a great sex life, babysitters are easy to get, holidays sans toddler have been planned this year, we have ample time for our hobbies, lots of time to channel into our own business. I look great, have energy, still happily breastfeeding the toddler. So many pros. We were one and done.

But this social conditioning of ‘children need siblings’ have got to us. It’s so hard to make the right choice when you have experienced so much external pressure about number 2, and told ‘you will change your mind’.

A little handhold, or any words of wisdom would be appreciated. We are waiting for the dust to settle a bit because I am still quite early. Just want to make sure if I terminate I have zero doubt.

i don’t want another baby, but I’m so scared of regret.

Sorry you’re in such a tricky position OP. Your reasons for wanting to be OAD are similar to mine.

would you only be wanting the second child for the sibling element? The only thing I would say is the sibling relationship is not a given - I know plenty that are different characters and no contact or not a key part of each others life (the experience in my family and friends) although it does sometimes work out really well, I’m not sure if it’s down to parenting or just how well they naturally mix. I posted about this yesterday and I would be worried of having a second just for sibling and feeling resentment and regret if they don’t get on well. I think the second child should be wanted for themselves not as a companion for the first - just my personal opinion…

have you tried envisaging what life would be like with 2 and what it extra sacrifice it would require?

Picture yourself in 20 years, what does your family look like? The baby years are relatively short so try to think more long term about what you want.

Thank you for responding.

i think i like the idea of a big family, i think its lovely for some people- but I’m not willing for the sacrifice it takes to have that big Christmas table. It’s a bit dent in your prime (20s/30s/40s) and even then, they might just all move to New Zealand, so even then- no guarantees.

I know there are no guarantees with siblings. Out my friends, the bad situations vary from sibling sexual abuse to just downright apathy. But I know some very very close girl-girl siblings who do spa days together, holidays and are genuinely best friends. I think if someone could promise me the latter, I might make the sacrifice.

i think I have very different priorities too compared to a lot of people. We have financially planned for her savings, school fees and are actively holding onto a second property either for her, or for a deposit. No child needs these things and children can be happy and loved without them- but I had a miserable time in a sink school and struggled as a young adult to establish myself, so I want to do what I can

And not just finances. But my attention and time too. I’m sure I’ll have enough to pour out for another child. But I’ll have an empty cup for myself. And I don’t want that. I don’t want to be a frazzled mum even if my heart is full of love. I appreciate my quiet time and hobbies. I’m in my prime and I want to enjoy that.

it’s just all such a huge risk for no guarantees of that ‘friend for life’.

Me, DH and DD.

no one is missing

I don't think either option will come with zero regrets and what-ifs. It reads as if you are certain that you want only one child but you want somebody to say that it is absolutely the right thing. Nobody can really. Terminate or keep but both options will come up with (hopefully, small) what-ifs. So put that concern aside, focus on what you really want and then plan how you will proceed. Any regrets that come up you will get through.

You sound really clear about what you want. That’s beautiful! Listen to yourself and make that choice for you and your family. Stay OAD.

I think this is a very good point.

How old are you OP?

I was OAD until DD was 3.5. For a lot of the reasons you mentioned. I changed my mind - in part through reading the adult only child threads on here. Most of them would’ve preferred to have a sibling even knowing they might not have got along. There were a lot of reasons for this, many very compelling.

I will also add I have 2 family members who had onlys relatively late in life (late 30s and early 40s). Both were very happy with their decision at the time, but the kids are now in their 20s. The parents are in their late 50s and 60s, and constantly worry about their child not having any blood family one day, their future grandkids not having any aunts/uncles/cousins on their side of the family and so on. They begrudge not having ‘big family Christmases that everyone else has’ despite the fact they weren’t willing to put the work in to make it happen.

So, that’s the flip side. You already seem to be aware of the benefits - which are also important - so it’s up to you to weigh it up.

Sorry, just saw you've already responded to this. In that case it sounds like you already have your answer. Perhaps your uncertainty comes from the fact that social pressure is telling you you should want more than one?

For what it's worth, a friend of mine terminated a semi-planned second pregnancy when she was confronted with the reality of having to do pregnancy and baby years all over again. As far as I know she still feels that it was the right choice, although I can't say there isn't some regret there too.

It depends on the no 2 child. If they are difficult then it will add difficulties.
OTOH
My daughter always wanted a sibling. I now regret not having a second.
It's very hard to advise. But I think if there's two kids. They are a team. And you are a team. And they learn to share.
Also they argue with each other not with just you.

Teens are super hard with an only I think.

This happened to me many years ago, contraception failure.
I chose not to go ago ahead with the pregnancy and had a termination.
17 years on, I've never regretted it.

i don’t want another baby, but I’m so scared of regret.

Better to regret not having another baby than to have another and regret having them.
I think that you know the answer.

I onew I'd regret having them, and that's just no way to have a child.

It’s unrealistic to expect zero doubt I think you need to just see which is the better option for you and accept that with both choices you will feel unsure or possibly have regret later

I’m coming from the angle of having multiple children. However, DD1 was 6.5 when DD2 was born so an only for a long time.

I would say don’t have more children unless you are certain you want them. DD2 is a gorgeous little person and so loved but it’s hard work having two of them to juggle. To make matters more chaotic, I’m imminently due DS. DH and I knew we weren’t OAD though and had more because we wanted more and not just to provide a sibling for DD1.

There were many benefits to sticking with 1. Financially, logistically, socially… If that’s what you want, then that’s what you should do.

I have 3 children , a 3 year old set of twins and another 22 months younger than the twins . Sometimes I nearly break with what life throws at me looking after them but I've got a very close friend who only has one child the same age as my twins and she is dying for more and can't have , her child is not as socially interactive as mine and doesn't enjoy being with other kids and she can't really leave him much whereas mine are used to sharing and other kids and social interactions because that's what they've grown up with so are better at mucking in .

You don't need to bow to what society thinks a perfect family is as everyone's perfect is different, as long as your only child grows up interacting with other kids it's age and is often socially with other ppl don't feel pressured into other kids .

My husband has a close friend who is an only child and he's one of the most level headed lovely ppl I know so the stereotypes of only children being loners is bs and only true if their parents let them be that way .

All that said seeing these kids all grow up together and seeing the bond then share is absolutely amazing to watch and nurture so there's deffo pros and cons with both situations! You do what feels right for you !

I hope you don't mind me posting - I found myself in a similar position a few years ago! Funnily enough, I'd also posted on this board about whether to stop at one and also got a lot of stick from people saying "oh your poor dc as an only" and the like. But nevertheless we'd decided we were "OAD"....then had an accidental pregnancy!

We went ahead and had dc2. I wouldn't change it and would probably be in a lot of therapy if I'd aborted (I had one when I was 20 and am honestly still not over it aged 40 and regret it a lot)

Although it is harder work, my dcs love each other a lot. We don't have much other family so I am glad they have each other.

I know you've said that you only want one child parents to reply, which i understand. However, I wonder if you will you only get the answers I think you want to hear by doing that, which I think is to tell you to terminate the pregnancy? You really don't need anyone's permission to feel that way. It isn't what I would do but I am not you.

If you have this much anxiety about the impact on your body, sex life, hobbies, cash flow and holidays of having a second child who you are no doubt imagining being a similar experience to your first, then how would you cope if the second child is disabled or a very bad sleeper or has a chronic health or educational condition that takes up way more of your time than an average child- or the pregnancy is twins etc.

I think you know your answer.

You can’t have everything you want. It doesn’t sound like giving your DD a sibling is enough of a reason in your mind to give up all the other stuff you list and not once have you actually suggested what the other child might actually add to your lives just by virtue of being themselves. Children shouldn’t be born to provide for someone else.

I would only say how will you feel if and when your 3/4/5/6/7 year old asks why they don't have a sibling ? Most only children do and at least go through a phase of wanting a brother or sister. If you are happy to answer that truthfully or otherwise then do what's right for you. But just be aware the question will come.

Most children ask for all sorts of things though it’s only society that makes one child families stop
and question if they should have another. Treat it the same was as if a child asks for a puppy/horse/16 ice creams before dinner

Right, not quite the same maybe. I have no skin here my DCs are adults but they do ask why we stopped at 2, what our reasoning was etc. This is likely to be a persistent question very possibly right through adolescence , not really in the same league as ice cream before dinner. How old are your DCs out of interest ?

Honestly it sounds very clear that you don't want a second. A termination is not nice in any circumstance so I think it's normal to feel uneasy about it and I'm sorry you're faced with that decision. If you go ahead with DC2, you will be ok and will manage, I think you know that but do you want to? It sounds like no, and that's ok, you don't have to.
We were going to stop at just DD for a while and I think she would have thrived as an only. We had DS then. They tolerate each other at best. I adore them both, they were both much wanted but if I would have had him only for the "sibling bond" Id be very disappointed.

Having a younger sibling who is/was a selfish pita, and whose wants & needs were always put first, I wished I had been an only child.

@NavyPeer It honestly sounds like you have already decided. It doesn't matter what "society" deems. Do what is right for your family.

Picture your child when you and/or DH are needing support. Would your only child prefer to have the support of a sibling?

Picture your child if you and DH were to die young. Would they prefer to have a sibling for support?

@NavyPeer

I think if you reread your OP gently the answer is right there.

And when the dust does settle I’m sure it will be clear to you.