OAD but pregnant again

[NavyPeer]

Attempting this thread again.

Just to make it crystal clear- I am posting in ‘one-child families’. I am seeking responses from those who are part of a one-child family. Last time I tried this thread, I was bombarded with stereotypes of only children before the page filled up. It was about to turn nasty so I got the thread pulled. If you are not the parent of a OCF, unless you are 100% supportive- don’t bother posting. This isn’t ‘Am I Being Unreasonable’.

Disclaimer over. Phew.

OAD. Unexpectedly pregnant with the apparent ‘perfect’ age gap.

Me and my husband love our lives. We have a great sex life, babysitters are easy to get, holidays sans toddler have been planned this year, we have ample time for our hobbies, lots of time to channel into our own business. I look great, have energy, still happily breastfeeding the toddler. So many pros. We were one and done.

But this social conditioning of ‘children need siblings’ have got to us. It’s so hard to make the right choice when you have experienced so much external pressure about number 2, and told ‘you will change your mind’.

A little handhold, or any words of wisdom would be appreciated. We are waiting for the dust to settle a bit because I am still quite early. Just want to make sure if I terminate I have zero doubt.

i don’t want another baby, but I’m so scared of regret.

What I mean is that OP should just treat that question as something to dismiss like the examples I have rather than give herself guilt and worry when that question will come - a quick ‘we only wanted one dc’ and end of conversation is enough.

My dc range in age from 2 to 18

And IMHO, the only reason for having a child is because you want to have that child.

Op can make sure there’s financial provision for support and I’m sure there’s wider family and her dd will likely have friends

No guarantee of this though

i’m an only. I never asked for a sibling, nor wanted one.

i know i vaguely once asked why I didn’t have one at about nine or ten. I grew up in an area where most people had at least three, or lots of blended families- and I remember my mum explaining that if she had chosen to have more children, there would have been less money for holidays and presents and it would have been trickier for her to go back to university.

i understood completely, and I still agree with her now.

i’m not in her boat, and potential DC2 will not live in an overcrowded house and we would have ample money for holidays and presents but I just don’t want to do it again.

i am satisfied

DD can have as many children as she likes and I will help her out

This assumes that siblings are ALWAYS helpful

they aren’t

my mum is one of three and her brothers pay no attention to their mum leaving the drudge to her

my dad was one of four and two of his siblings also opted out of caring for his dementia-suffering mother. They showed up at the funeral teary having done fuck all for years for no good reason. My dad doesn’t speak to them any more.

my husband also left his home country and his sister will be providing elder care

i can think of many more situations

siblings providing ‘support’ are a weak, weak reason to have kids. Not even on my pros list.

Right you must have very complient DCs if they would accept the sort of dismissive answer at 4 or 5 nevermind 14 or 15. Mine wouldn't they woould keep asking. TBF all the only children they knew growing up had a narrative around this by year 3 or 4 so 8 or 9. eg: " mummy had a very tough time having me, she needed a ceasarian, thars why I don't have brothers and sisters", or " mummy and daddy wanted another baby, but it never happened". Other DC will and do ask.

But if she does ask me I will say:

’I only wanted you. No more babies. When you are a big girl you can choose to have no babies, one baby, or ten. That will be your choice’

Exactly the type of narrative I mean. What will you say ? How will you feel if it is a cause of sadness for your DC ( it is for some, not for others but it is possible).

You explaining that you are an only yourself makes a lot more sense, it's natural to want to replicate what feels familar. Maybe that's your narrative.

That sounds great. Be ready for whhhy though and it may be revisted or not as in your own case. Nobody can say.

Her asking me why she doesn’t have any siblings does not feel me with panic

She may as well ask me why we don’t live in a mansion or why we aren’t Brazilian.

As I’ve said, I will tell her I just wanted her. She can make her own choice and have as many kids as she wants when the time comes.

I’m a bit confused why you’re posting as you sound like you’ve confidently made up your mind?

i asked for a handhold as the dust settles, not someone advising me what to do.

A good way to know how you really feel is write ‘one child’ on on piece of paper, ‘two or more’ on another piece and get your husband to lay them out randomly and you pick one. Before you pick your brain will automatically tell you what you want and your reaction to the piece you actually pick will tell you what to do.

Good, good luck to you hope it all goes as well as possible.

You said you were worried about regret, in which case there must be some kind of positive to having another, because if there were none you wouldn’t have to worry about that. What kind of hand hold were you expecting if not people sharing their own good/bad experiences? I wish you well whatever you decide.

That's fair enough. There is a pregnancy choices board on here too. Think if you've actually decided and just need a handhold that would be a bit more appropriate than this board but don't know.

I hope everything goes OK

I'm perplexed as to why you felt
the need to post if you are so sure of OAD ? Surely if this is what you want and what your husband wants then what others have to say is irrelevant.

The 'disclaimer' is even more peculiar.. that you only want responses from OAD posters .. which basically means you want confirmation of your choice rather than opinions ? Why do you need that , if your decision is made ? If it's your decision then own it. There is no wrong or right .

For my part I have no other opinion as I am one of three with three of my own who were fabulous kids, great fun teens and seek each other out to spend time with .. but my mother died last year at 85 still furious and sad that her wealthy parents with time and sufficient resources didn't want more as it was 'too much effort' (even though she was mostly raised by a nanny !) her biggest complaint was the loneliness of having no one in later life to share worries about parents with.

I really don’t understand your post

I am likely to have a termination. Which is a horrible thing, no matter your reasons.

You don’t see why I have specifically posted in the one child families forum about my current dilemma to hear from other mums from one child families who may have been in the same boat, or can appreciate what a tricky situation this might be?

This assumes that siblings are ALWAYS helpful

It does, Yes. But I think you always have to start with the assumption that people are good. To think otherwise would make the world a horrible place to live in.

It might not work out that your children are best mates, supporting each other through life's ups and downs, long after you've gone. But without a sibling for your DC, you've completely ruled out any support and companionship from the start.

Clearly it was pretty confusing as you have nothing supportive to add, yet you have still posted.

a barrage of posts like yours made me pull my last thread because I found it really upsetting

deleting this username and coming off this site

I can’t deal with this

OAD families have no support

everyone has been pestering me for number 2 since my first one was cut out of me, everyone

you have clearly ‘assumed’ that only children go through life without companionship and support

what utter nonsense

I am OAD, i had an accidental pregnancy recently and it really highlighted how happy we are with our lives and i terminated. No regret, was very early so the termination was easy and straightforward.
My daughter is 7, has never asked for a sibling, doesn't want one. She has a great life, lots of friends and playdates, nice holidays, plenty of activities, days out and as she's gotten older things have gotten easier too.
All the best OP, do whats right for you and your family not what society says.

Hand hold from me. One by choice here. Personally I've never regretted that decision. DD 7, such a delight. All of the benefits you mention just get better and better. Termination would be my decision but I'd still need that hand hold.

Ruled out support and companionship?! I get more support and companionship from my friends, husband, colleagues, aunts, uncles, cousins, than I do from my sibling!

Finances/time/energy - all valid reasons as far as I’m concerned. I know I’d be a better mother to 1 than 2. I’ve seen plenty of parents thrive with more than one child and genuinely enjoy it - but I know my capacity and just know i would be a very stretched parent of 2+ and be like those stressed parents you see losing their patience. I don’t want to split my resources and want to support financially in the way you describe. I have seen so many people with 2 children have the strain on their relationship and by the time the kids are grown the connection as a couple is dead. Of course this is not true for everyone.

If you have a second, you are GUARANTEED to have to split your time, energy etc. If you have the 2nd for sibling factor, there is a good chance but no guarantee they will be best mates and a constant source of support. I think a lot of adult onlies lament the lack of sibling which of course is their experience but they imagine a perfect sibling relationship which is not guaranteed and sometimes it can be a negative! If I could be guaranteed a positive life long sibling relationship, I would be more swayed towards having a second.

I have not decided completely about the 2nd but strongly leaning towards OAD until I want the second child for the second child, not as an accessory.

i have many close only friends who are resourceful in making friendships and very well balanced.

With regards to care, I will not expect a child to take care of me. I will save separately for my care and retirement and create a death document for my child to make dealing with the admin easier. Hopefully she will have a partner or network of close friends by then to support her.

in my family and friends group, there are big families where all the care has still fallen on one child causing resentment.

a sibling is not a magic bullet to magically solve all our life problems.

it sounds like you are leaning to be OAD which is fine - you may feel unease either way so take the time to sit with the feelings and locate why you are feeling doubt - is it societal pressure or another longing for a child?

I can recommend Reddit boards ‘one and done’ and ‘should I have another’ which have been great for me to follow as I work through my own thoughts on this.