OAD but pregnant again

[NavyPeer]

Attempting this thread again.

Just to make it crystal clear- I am posting in ‘one-child families’. I am seeking responses from those who are part of a one-child family. Last time I tried this thread, I was bombarded with stereotypes of only children before the page filled up. It was about to turn nasty so I got the thread pulled. If you are not the parent of a OCF, unless you are 100% supportive- don’t bother posting. This isn’t ‘Am I Being Unreasonable’.

Disclaimer over. Phew.

OAD. Unexpectedly pregnant with the apparent ‘perfect’ age gap.

Me and my husband love our lives. We have a great sex life, babysitters are easy to get, holidays sans toddler have been planned this year, we have ample time for our hobbies, lots of time to channel into our own business. I look great, have energy, still happily breastfeeding the toddler. So many pros. We were one and done.

But this social conditioning of ‘children need siblings’ have got to us. It’s so hard to make the right choice when you have experienced so much external pressure about number 2, and told ‘you will change your mind’.

A little handhold, or any words of wisdom would be appreciated. We are waiting for the dust to settle a bit because I am still quite early. Just want to make sure if I terminate I have zero doubt.

i don’t want another baby, but I’m so scared of regret.

I hope I am not coming across inappropriately but at the moment I am going through secondary infertility. My husband is completely happy with one child but was also happy to try for a second because I wanted to . So I can see both sides. My husband has 2 sisters who he hardly ever talks to. I am close to my own sister and I am struggling because I would like my child to have a sibling they are close to. However I know there is no guarantee whatsoever of that being the case . I’ve been reflecting on this a lot and I know there are so many benefits to being OAD, despite longing for another I love all the one on one time I have with my child. My sister has 2 children 2 years apart and her house is chaotic in comparison to mine. My dc is only 3 and a half but seems perfectly content without a sibling and hasn’t questioned it (yet!). He loves visiting his cousins and adding to the chaos ! Sorry that you are in this position at the end of the day you need to do what is right for you and your family. I wish you all the best with whatever decision you make.

I didn’t ready your other thread but I would have thought that opinions from people who were in similar situations to you and chose to have more children, would be more/as beneficial as single child parents.

I have 1 child.
Due to circumstances, I didn’t have any more and at the time I didn’t want any more.

It is something that I regret.
My DD hates the fact that she has no siblings and has done since she was about 5yo (now 16).

If I had my time again, then I would absolutely have tried to find a way to have a sibling.

I would not have wanted one, but if I knew what I know now then I would have made that sacrifice for my child.

I'm so sorry you've had some incredibly unhelpful replies, OP. Please do continue to seek support.

I completely understand where you're coming from- I am also OAD, and if I found myself unexpectedly pregnant (which luckily isn't going to happen to me as I'm in a sperm-free marriage!), I would almost certainly also opt for a termination. I couldn't bear the thought of having a child I regretted having. You know what you want out of life, which is a great thing, so have the confidence to stick to your guns. Sending lots of love x

Thought I’d add my perspective as I was in a very similar situation to you recently.
OAD but unexpectedly became pregnant in December of last year. I have a 2 year old who would have been almost 3 when the baby was due, so a good age gap. I’m 35, happy, in a good place after a struggle with PND after my daughter was born. I come from a big (but extremely dysfunctional) family myself, with 5 siblings. Before becoming pregnant, I was so certain that I didn’t want another child.
When I discovered that I was pregnant, I had a phase of really, unexpectedly, wanting the baby; I imagined us as a family of 4 and for a while was excited about the prospect. My daughter has gorgeous relationships with others and she’d make a lovely sister; I know myself how valuable sibling relationships can be. I let myself sit with it for a while and it was a hard decision- really hard- until the initial excitement wore off and I realised I’m happy with what I have and all the reasons for having one still stood. I adore my daughter but struggled terribly with PND and I also just very much enjoy having a full and active life as an independent person outside of being a mum; having one feels like the right balance for me. That said, I could imagine another life where I would be happy with a second baby too.
I was around 10 weeks when I had the termination. The best advice that I was given was that every huge life choice comes with doubt and regret- and I knew in my heart of hearts that I’d only want to bring another life into the world if they were 100% wanted. Yes, it’s possible that I may regret the termination but I’d never want to be in a position where I regret having a child. In the end I just had my gut instinct to go on and I’d be lying to you if I said I hadn’t had pangs of regret and doubt since then.
I am confident and happy with my decision and love our life as a family of 3 for all the reasons you listed in your original post. For me the abortion did come with what ifs and a process of grief/mourning which I’m still processing to some degree. I didn’t expect this, as I’d always thought of abortion as a clear cut choice and a means to an end. So allow yourself to feel all the things, give yourself space and time, whatever you decide.

unexpectedly pregnant - how does that happen when we are one and done ?

I have 5 year old DD conceived via IVF and it took me a while to accept being OAD but I’m now really happy with it.

DD is confident, has loads of friends and has never asked for a sibling. She is quite happy being our one and only and it means we can give her all our time and energy. She has a few friends who are only children so it’s not that uncommon anymore.

It’s ok to only want one child. She will be fine :)

It’s like they said in Jurassic Park …..’life finds a way’

And the stereotypes start. Boring.

Hand hold from me OP. You don't owe anyone another human.

I hope that this doesn't come across harsh or blunt - it isn't intended that way.

Based on your answers to things you have been asked, you have heartfelt reasons, and logical reasons, in one direction - which is termination. It isn't an easy decision to make regardless if you feel it is 'right' and that the lists all stack up in that direction - but generally children should be 'wanted'.

Other than the fact that the pregnancy has occurred, and the thought of terminating feels very sad and is hard to come to terms with - this for your future would not be wanted.

For me it isn't relevant if your child asks about a sibling, if they will have sibling support etc - before the accidental pregnancy none of that was relevant and would have occurred if it occurred - the key factor is if you want a second child, and if you want your future to change from what you planned.

If you do not want that, then I think you have your answer

I do wish you well, I know it is not easy even if you feel quite certain in what you must do

I must admit, that's what stood out to me on this thread, as a few people have said they were in the same situation and terminated.
If people are so sure they are OAD, why are they not making sure they won't get pregnant again. What happens if it happens a second, third or fourth time - will people just keep having terminations?

It jumped out to you did it??

did it not cross your mind that I’ve had a contraceptive failure?

DH’s vasectomy was booked for mid-April but let’s forget that too

oh no, I’m obviously shagging with wild abandon and using abortions as contraceptiom

what a sick thing to imply with someone struggling with termination

I think in your heart you know. My advice is that if you decide to terminate, don't tell anybody, not because there is any shame but because it's your private business.

I never said it jumped out at me, but when several people claimed to be OAD, but had got pregnant and then had had to go through a termination, I wondered why they hadn't chosen a permanent method of contraception.

There is no guarantee that siblings are going to even like each other, let alone become friends for life

Dont be having another for convention sake, you have children because you want them, not to make up numbers

Have and enjoy your one and only and enjoy YOUR life at the same time

We have one life, its short

I'm so sorry you're having this conundrum OP. I'm very very much pro-choice. Before having a baby I did think if I got pregnant and didn't want another I'd terminate. Then I had a baby and that made the idea of terminating myself so so much harder. You know that pregnancy could become another of the little being you adore more than life itself. Deciding to be one and done is easy when another is hypothetical, so much harder when the pregnancy exists. Guess thats no help to you but just sending you love as you make the difficult choice. You need to decide what's right for you and your family. Could be to terminate, could be the unexpected extra one!

My dd is an only, she's now 18yo.

I think she would have liked a sibling and I feel sad I couldn't give her that. I also think there's quite a lot of pressure on an only child as they're the sole focus.

Personally in your situation I'd think it was meant to be and go for it. All of the things that are currently perfect in your life will still be perfect with another child.

I have an only child. And yes from 5 she wanted another.
and she wants one now too. At 16.
It is hard to have two. But. I wish I'd done it.
I think she'd be happier. And I think now I would be. They are a team. I loved it and it was easier from 5 till 10.

But then I'm not you. It's your decision. Plenty of only children are very happy.

Not sure what the issue is. You are oad so just end the pregnancy

I am an only child and my DS is too. We have an incredible bond and I have never regretted having just one.