Anyone else think that siblings are overrated?

[Anonforthisparticularpost]

I am probably one and done. One thing I frequently see posted on MN, is people saying that they had a second child so the first child would "have other family" once they and their partner are gone.

I think this is nice if it happens, but it's an overly optimistic and romanticised view of sibling relationships as adults.

I have a brother, and he adds very little to my life, not in a nasty way, but in a practical sense. As an adult, I may as well be an only child.

Our parents have always taken great pains to treat us equally, so there's no golden child scenario to create a sibling rift, nor has there ever been a dramatic falling out, my brother just doesn't really give a toss about staying in touch with me.

I am a couple of years older, and we got on as kids until he hit his early teens, when he decided to reject all things academic. His choice, and it's fair enough, but it has meant that he and I have had very different lives and interests since then.

As adults, he has never contacted me to keep in touch, so texts to maintain any semblance of a sibling relationship always come from me, and he just generally can't be arsed.

He's now moved with his partner to a country in Southeast Asia, and doesn't have any interest in asking about his nephew (my toddler DS), or in keeping in touch with me unless I message him.

This context makes me scoff a bit when people say I should have a second DC to guarantee a lifelong family member and companion for my DS.

I think I agree OP. That said I do think family is terribly important and by that I mean grandparents, aunts, cousins. My sibling has been an extremely difficult person in my adult life and doesn't fulfil any of the hopes and expectations one would have for a sibling. But my cousins do play those roles in my life.

This context makes me scoff a bit when people say I should have a second DC to guarantee a lifelong family member and companion for my DS
Do people really say this? It's obvious nonsense, but then so is "siblings are overrated". There are no guarantees, either way.
Most people find siblings more positive than not.

I'd be lost without my siblings. I'm
Autistic and don't mix. DH is military so away lots. My DS and DB and their spouses have helped me loads with the kids. You like what you're used to I guess.

Plus we have Birthdays, Christmas, Easter together.

Oh God yes. I never missed having a sibling. As my parents were pretty hard up, I also had a lot of opportunities they would never have afforded with more than one child.

When my parents were very ill I found it hard doing everything on my own. Then a few years later DH's parents were ill - and it was even worse as every day was an opportunity to fall out with his siblings over who was doing what, who was or wasn't pulling their weight, who knew what the parent wanted best and so on and on and on.

At that point I was so glad my parents had been one and done.

I don't expect my brother to do anything when that happens to me (my parents still are in good health, and hopefully will be for the foreseeable future).

However, he will definitely leave it all to me to deal with, if they do have health problems as they get older, which is why this supposed benefit of having a sibling seems to be a bit of a joke to me.

Also someone that has a sibling but I might as well be an only child.
Despite that I still would like my child to have a sibling. I think I've been unlucky with my sibling, hopefully it will be different with my children because if you are lucky enough to have a nice sibling it's a best friend for life.

That's fine if that's how you feel but some of us have great siblings and families all get on. My sister is my best friend and my dns are close to me and my dc. My dc get on with each other.
We're all the products of our experiences but don't dismiss it for all of us.

We didn't mind it all being left to us. We did mind it all being left to us with a continuing commentary about how we were doing it all wrong.

Thinking of my mum, dad and husband - all have/had a lot of siblings. One of them ended up estranged from all of them, one barely tolerated them and one professes to like them but wouldn't contact them from one year to the next without reminders.

I have not seen the model of lifelong friends and supports, and they had to be psyched up to endure a family Christmas.

My brother and I don't have much in common and didn't see each other much for a long time (I moved away). But since we got older and my mum's needs changed, we absolutely have each others backs, respect and care about each other, and help each other as much as we can.

My late DH and his sister were really good friends, as were and are his cousins and their siblings. My daughters, as different as chalk and cheese, nevertheless have always loved each other very much and do a lot of stuff together.

Of course there are no guarantees, but if your instinct is to only have one child yourself, of course you're going to focus on those sibling relationships that aren't positive. And that's fine. But as a generalisation, I think it's false.
I don't know anyone who had/has an actively negative relationship with their sibling (apart from short term squabbles in their teens etc). I know a few (usually who've moved a distance away) who don't really gain much from having a sibling. But most of my friends seem to get along with and value their siblings.

I love having siblings. I don't see them often and we are all very different but I know they are there. And when my parents died it meant a lot to have someone who really understood and to share memories with.
Of course there are no guarantees and no one should have a second child just to give their child a sibling you have to want one for themselves. But I am very pleased I grew up with siblings and I'm pleased I had more than one child.

Parents with multiple kids often look miserable to me and as if they are barely keeping their heads above water. Only children seem to behave better too. I couldn't handle two bickering, screaming children running around constantly. Having more than one, especially close together- looks like hell.

I dis like have siblings as a xhild. As an adult it makes little difference to my life.

My dad is an only child and he has the most friends out of anyone I know, you can have friends who are far closer than family and you choose them yourself. He is still close with people he met 50 years ago etc.

Siblings can be good or bad obviously but don’t forget things like, they could marry someone you hate etc. Which happened with DH’s brother, they used to be close until his brother married a woman who was nasty and so didn’t want to spend time with him as much as she was always there.

When I was a child we moved around and travelled a lot so I think it was nice to have a sibling through all that to have a sort of constant companion, though we did fight a lot and my (older) sibling teased me horribly at times though I don’t think they realised the effect it had on me (self esteem issues etc).

I’m an only child and I only ever wanted one child as well. I feel that the closeness I have with my mother is because it was just her and I and I couldn’t imagine sharing her with anyone else. Plus I want everything we have to go to my child so she doesn’t have to split or share. We can also afford the very best for her educationally etc as it’s just her.

I think people like to always say that it’s mostly positive having a sibling and there’s a few odd cases where it doesn’t go to plan.

From looking at friends, family and colleagues I would say it’s actually about 20% that see having a sibling as a really great thing and have that wonderful close relationship into adulthood. No matter how far apart these siblings are they have a great relationship. I would say there’s about 20% who have actively fallen out with their sibling or just don’t like them, never have and never will, they’d have preferred to be an only child.

The rest don’t necessarily dislike their sibling but they aren’t close. They have shared experiences but there is this duty to stay in contact and be there for each other because they’re siblings. Sometimes it’s one person doing more of the work, my FIL speaks to his sister once a week. His sister is always the one to ring, she talks at him and he doesn’t listen but they keep this up because they’re siblings. Or my dad, he likes his siblings but they’re all busy. They mostly text about the care of my grandma and even though they live close to each other probably only see each other a couple of times a year. All would be devastated to lose their sibling but they don’t have that close relationship that is always bandied about.

I think the duty of a sibling is actually the problem. We have this narrative that everyone needs a sibling and that siblings always need to be there for each other. I’ve seen my mum’s friend say to her daughters that they must always stay together because they’re family. DH feels he can’t stop talking to his brother because they’re siblings, if it weren’t for that he would have nothing to do with him. I think if we’re honest, we should have subsequent children because we want them and have the mental and financial resources to parent them but not force this relationship. If it happens organically, then great.

My sibling was severely mentally ill. I would rather have been an only.

No one can say ‘siblings are overrated’ because it’s entirely subjective.

My two adult daughters are very different but love and support each other and will be a source of comfort and continued family contact when we are long gone. My nephew who is an only child is an odd, lonely boy who acts like a cynical old man because he’s only ever been around adults.

All subjective narratives and evidence of nothing.

I'm sure that there are plenty of people you could find who don't get on with their siblings to prove your theory but on the whole most siblings seem to get on really well together.

I wouldn't be without my db and dsis - it is really grounding to have that shared history, to have that bond with them as adults and build a larger family as cousins come along and the tribe gets bigger, and then as a source of support to each other when we have had losses in the family.

But of course, MN is rife with people who would trade in their siblings for a pony and a bigger bedroom.

Think it would be interesting to see if failed sibling relationships occur in different proportions for Brother/Sister, Sister/Sister, or Brother/Brother, and then to apply age gap as a factor as well.

I think parenting style would be the more likely differentiating factor for sibling success than sex and age differences

I agree OP. I know plenty of siblings who are close, but also many that have nothing to do with one another as adults. Have a second child if you want one, but don’t assume they’ll be lifelong buddies!

Thinking about people I know - nearly all of ‘no contact whatsoever’ are from three sibling families.
I know some very close families of four siblings though!

Anecdotally (from my own experience and what I have observed from friends), it's the brother/sister combo that is least likely to lead to a strong sibling relationship in adulthood.

My female friends with strong sibling relationships have sisters, but those who have brothers have a similar experience to me: their brothers can't be arsed.

My violent autistic sibling made my life hell. I wished they were never born and have never forgiven my parents for putting my sister and i through it.

That's part of the reason I only had one child. I was lucky to have had a NT healthy child. J didn't want to risk my luck again.