How do I justify only having one child?

[ottilieorange]

The plan was always to have two, but a recent diagnosis of bipolar disorder in me, and issues with money and earning potential, we just feel like it's best to stick with one. Our son is 18 months.

But I feel guilty for not providing him with a sibling. How do I stop him being alone in this world when he's older/missing out on that sibling bond.
Are there any parents of just one who could give their perspective?
Or only children themselves?
It's not an option to have more. Is there anything I can do/put in place to ensure he doesn't miss out.

Thanks :-)

A sibling is no guarantee. People who have siblings can be alone if the sibling moves away or dies, or if they don’t get on. Close friends can be as good as siblings. Marriage partners and children of your own are as good as siblings too, if not better. I don’t think it’s something you need to worry about.

A sibling doesn't mean anything. I have one sibling we aren't close, I only see him when I visit my parents once or twice a year. Never speak to him otherwise. Have more of a relationship with his partner.

My dd1 was an only child. I had her very young. She did have lots of cousins I am one of 6. It didn't seem to affect her.

23 years later I had dd2 (a surprise arrival)
Dd1 died when I was 7 months pregnant. Dd2 is also an only now. She is the same age as my nieces and nephews children. She has lots of friends and goes to lots of clubs.
It is what it is.
My siblings are close but we can also fight with each other.🤣

You don't need to justify it. Just be at peace with the decision, which to be honest, I think you're there with your measured post.

He'll be around children his own age at nursery/school. He won't miss out on anything if you're giving him the love, attention, support etc that he needs.

My ds is an only (currently deciding if we are able to have a 2nd) he's just turned 3, no friends or family with children of a similar age. So apart from nursery 2 days a week, he's with adults exclusively. It's not had a detrimental effect on his confidence or ability to play with other children AFAIK. Although there are certain things he does that when you mention he's an only it becomes obvious and not just those typical "threes"

Just be at peace, which I think you're at, and your son will be fine :)

Life has no rule book. Who do you feel the need to justify yourself to?

Tbh lots of mums regret having the 3rd and 4th child but continued anyway to plan their kids knowing they had difficult circumstances. I notice people with 1 child consider more carefully the practicalities of having a 2nd! Although I think to want a 2nd is reasonable also.

I'm 1 of 4. I have an only and unlikely I will have more..if I'm honest I love babies and I loved the baby stage. However DS is 7 and I'm single so I can't see it happening and I don't want to start again. I would love him to have a sibling but I myself am happy with my lot! I'm 31 so I'm not sure I have that 100% I'm done feeing.... you never know what's round the corner OP.

Just enjoy the baby you have.

My brother and I either ignored each other or fought until I went to University.

I have just one child. At the time of birth, I lost a lot of blood and they were in distress so it was a little bit touch and go. It took me ages to get pregnant in ther first place and the thought of doing it all again seemed too risky.

Sorry about the loss of your DD1. Your post is interesting and a great example of not knowing how life will turn out.

So sorry to read this.

You don’t need to justify it to anyone but yourself.
To yourself - this is the right decision for your family’s well being.
If you son ever asks why he’s an only - families come in lots of shapes and sizes and you are an only child but you have cousins/grandparents/aunties/friends/godparents/all these important people who love you and want to be in your life.
If he ever asks as an adult you can tell him the truth - with a bdp diagnosis and tight finances it felt like the best decision for your family.

My daughter is an only. I’m not close to my siblings and my husband isn’t close to his full brother, plus we feel too old to cope with the sleepless nights again.

How do you feel about the bipolar disorder diagnosis? I was diagnosed as bipolar but found my emotional regulation, impulsive spending and moving from job to job were all symptoms of me having ADHD. The bipolar meds didn’t really do anything for me other than help me sleep but I’ve found taking a stimulant really helps to stabilise my moods and life.

I only have the one, was widowed young, I never moved on and have no want to despite being in my early 30's. My son is 8.

Top tips

• Clubs and sports (outside school) teaches networking making friends with new people, sharing outside the classroom, being a team player, company after school some evenings.

• Prepare to be play mate some days, always have an activity/board game in the cupboard that can be brought out for a fun time together.

My OH is an only and has never been ‘alone in this world’. He had his parents, then his last long term relationship and now me and his own children.

My DP is an only and I genuinely don’t think he’s affected by it. He’s much more confident and can chat to people easily, I always say it’s because he had to make friends on holiday!

My DD is my only. There are advantages too - more of my time, more attention.
My DH has older kids so she has older siblings too and that wider family network. Both DH and I are onlies too. I enjoyed my childhood.

I don't think you need to justify anything. There's nothing wrong with having one child. I have one (would've liked more, but it never happened). My dc is very happy and sociable. Lots if friends and is very well liked. She does have 2 cousins similar age. These cousin ms both have older siblings of the different sex and they don't do anything together and aren't very close. A sibling is no guarantee of a loving, close relationship. Don't feel guilty for your child not having one.

I'm an only child. I used to moan when I was younger and say I always wanted a brother or sister but I'm fine because I don't know any different.

I still had/have friends who I see and some seem like family anyway.

I know loads of people who have siblings and don't talk to each other so I don't think it always makes things better.

My son was an only child for 6 years. I was convinced I wouldn't have anymore but it happened. I wouldn't change anything and love seeing them together but I never thought it would happen.

Of course it is an option to have another. You have unprotected sex (maybe many many times or maybe just once!) and 9 months later a baby turns up.

What you are actually saying is that it is not in the best interests of your son to reduce the financial, practical and emotional resources you have to expend on him by having more children.

And that is all the justification you need.

In my head I always assumed I'd have 2 or 3 children. Then the reality of actually having 1 bit.

Stressful pregnancy, ongoing health issues, that first year of no sleep, the 2nd year of continual colds thanks to nursery, the years of having no money due to nursery fees and loss of career opportunity because, well the patriarchy doesn't like women with babies having careers, and let's be honest, on 3 hours sleep, they've got a point.

Once was enough. A second would have broken me, mentally and physically. We have a very social and happy DC who has no interest in another sibling.

It's not mandatory..

To who? I have a sister and I haven’t spoken to her in 2 years, don’t understand why people assume siblings will be close.

I have a sister who lives abroad and I never see 🤷🏼‍♀️
I mean I literally haven't seen her for 4 years and I don't know when I will again. It would be easier to be an only child as I wouldn't have a complex mess of emotions to deal with surrounding this issue.

I have two brothers. One has lived the other side of the world for for 30 years so I see him very rarely and the other wasn't in contact for 20 years (now happily resolved). So it isn't a given that there's going to be a close sibling bond in later years. I mean, I love my brothers but we're not physically close or that emotionally entwined.

And you don't have to justify it.

You would be an utter fool to have another child just because you think your existing child needs a sibling (they don't). They may end up hating each other.
Think of all the positives of an only child. You'll be in a better position to afford nice things/activities/tutors. Your child won't have to share your attention, won't be competing.

Only child here, never lonely as a kid. I was pleased not to have a sibling as all my friends with sisters argued all the time.

DS isn't getting a sibling

He won’t miss what he never had!