How do I justify only having one child?

[ottilieorange]

The plan was always to have two, but a recent diagnosis of bipolar disorder in me, and issues with money and earning potential, we just feel like it's best to stick with one. Our son is 18 months.

But I feel guilty for not providing him with a sibling. How do I stop him being alone in this world when he's older/missing out on that sibling bond.
Are there any parents of just one who could give their perspective?
Or only children themselves?
It's not an option to have more. Is there anything I can do/put in place to ensure he doesn't miss out.

Thanks :-)

You don't have to "justify" anything.

We have one child because we wanted one child. It is best for us as a family, we don't have to justify it to anyone. Those with 2 or 3 or 4 children don't have to justify it, why would we?

Read this. Feel better. Hang on to link and apply liberally to all those still in the dark with opinions about your entirely valid description.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Only_child

You don't have to justify it at all.

I never have, nor did my mother.

As an only of an only I've never regretted my decision or that of my mother.

I simply didn't want another child. I was content with one child and given the close relationship I had with my parents (as did my mother with hers) I've never thought of it as a "suboptimal" outcome.

There are so many myths about only children, most of which are rubbish. I wasn't lonely, spoilt or deprived of socialisation. Neither was my mother, nor my son (he's is a third generation "only" and perfectly happy).

Whatever your reason, it doesn't matter.

Be the best parent you can be to the child (or children) you have is the only duty you have and if that involves not having any more, so be it.

I would have been a stressed and snappy mum to two, I'm quite chilled and fun mum to one. I know my limits. I don't need to justify it to anyone.

Our triangle family is awesome, having one is so good, there are more adults than children so I don't feel outnumbered, the home is calm, outings and days out are calm, I can give him all my attention and don't feel split. If I want to spend an extra long time putting him to bed and spend 40minutes chatting, I can, without the guilt that another child is missing out.

Also - Me and my sister are not close at all, we don't spend time with each other just see each other at family occasions. My friends are like my family.

Blimey OP lots of people have only one child, it’s a lot better than having more than you can handle.

You don’t need to justify anything, just put a bit of effort into play dates and encourage him to value friendships.

I have an only child and I worry about this too. But recently, my sister came to visit several relatives including me. She’s nice some of the time, but it’s obvious that she thinks she’s superior to me and I’m sick of her patronising attitude. I’ve realised that if we weren’t related, we wouldn’t be friends. Her visits usually leave me feeling deflated, because we simply don’t click as well as I’d like.

DD is four and I think she’d like a sibling, but preferably one her own age or older! She gets bored playing with younger children. Luckily, we live on a street where there are a few other children her age, and several of her classmates live nearby. I used to feel for my friend’s daughter (who’s several years older than DD) as she’s an only child who grew up on a street with no other children.

Exactly. There's absolutely nothing wrong with having one child and many positives!

With due respect @AsterixInEngland, I don’t agree with any of your examples as they’re founded on assumptions that just aren’t true in my (albeit limited) experience.

“you don’t raise an only the same way than siblings. It’s too easy to always be at their beck and call in a way you would never do with several children”
I grew up with friends with siblings whose parents were far more pandering (or “at their beck and call”) than my own ever were. Likewise, other parents I know compared to how DH and I behave with our only.

“They will start their strong relationship with adults rather than children, because they are more likely to be surrounded by adults (unless you have family with children similar age close by. That won’t be the case for everyone)”
I didn’t have other family children close by, but was always good at making friends as a child. There were plenty on the street where I grew up that I played with regularly. I was always encouraged by my parents to find someone to play with rather than relying on them to entertain me. Also, I know plenty of families with large age gaps between their children who would presumably still have this issue with their oldest child?

“And then you have the issue of growing up and becoming an adult. Who is supporting the parents as they are getting older, wanting to move away is harder as an only child (no sibling still around the parents)”
This makes a lot of assumptions about family relationships. As it happens, I’m estranged from one of my parents and not particularly close to the other, though I do like to ensure they’re supported and doing okay. I don’t feel any pressure around doing so, nor would it have any bearing on a decision I might make in future to move away, etc.

Conversely, DH who has two siblings feels a lot of responsibility for his divorced parents. Having siblings didn’t help him much, as they both moved away and do nothing to help 🤷🏼‍♀️

Being an only child doesn't mean you are alone in the world.

Having siblings doesn't mean you are not.

Very common to have one these days. A sibling does not guarantee they will be be close in later life.

Don't worry OP. Being an only child is more common now than when we were young. There's honestly no need to provide a sibling for your son, and anyone who suggests otherwise is a bit old-fashioned IMO.

Also both me and DH have a sibling we hardly ever see!

Parents have more children because they want more children. No-one who actually thinks it through would have more children because they wanted a sibling for their child, because it’s almost unheard of for siblings to have a close relationship.

The children who apparently beg for a sibling (and tbh I think that is often parents projecting that it would be nice rather than children actually being desperate for a sibling) do so because it’s cool to imagine having a baby brother or sister. A child cannot possibly understand what having a sibling means, and when the baby is born the relationship rarely works out as everyone had imagined it in their head.

I had planned to have more than one but due to secondary infertility this wasn’t possible. Deciding to stop trying didn’t actually leave me devastated as it would some, and now that my DC is older I am glad I don’t have more children. The dynamic would have been totally different, and tbh unworkable.

My ex has more children with his new partner and my DC have no interest in having a relationship with them. Ex sold it as providing them with siblings, meanwhile dc see them maybe 2 or 3 times a year. The relationship isn’t going to progress as they get older. It’s unlikely that they will lean on each other as my ex grows old, etc. so having children was entirely for his and his partner’s benefit, and his telling DC that it was because they deserved a sibling was said purely to undermine me, even if he believed it in his head and resented me for not having another baby with him.

I’m an only child with no cousins, never had an issue with it

@GiltEdges , I am not sure how you can tell me that MY experience as an only child and as a parent of two dcs is not true and are founded on assumptions that just aren’t true....

I mean thats' how i lived being an only child. If you didnt fair enough but plese don't tell me this is not my experience.

There's nothing to justify. There's no guarantee that there would be any strong bond between them, a younger sibling is not a ready-made playmate.

I'm an only child, and very glad of it. When I look at the relationship between friends and cousins with siblings, there's not a whole lot to envy. I wasn't lonely. I share well. I have friends. I'm not spoiled.

On previous threads about Only Children, there's been couple of people who pop up to say that the only children they know are weird because they act older than their age and talk a lot to adults. Personally, I don't think that "mature and articulate" are particularly bad traits, but there you go.

But you talk about your lived experience as if it’s universally applicable, which it isn’t. You actually say in one case that it will “ALWAYS” be the case.

I simply pointed out to you as an only child myself and as a mother of an only child, that you’re wrong about this.

Well yes.
if you have two or more children, the parents will divide their attention between them. That’s actually one if the reasons why people say it’s great for the child to be an only - they can have all their parent attention confused
are you saying that’s not the case?