The positives of one a child family

[dramarama6]

My child is 18 months and as yet I have no desire for a second and actually I've been thinking a lot lately about just sticking with one.

I had a difficult pregnancy so am worried about going through again but this time with a child. We are comfortable in our current financial situation but adding another child would stretch us. I love my child more than anything but I find being a mother hard and testing, I like having a balance with my work and a little time for myself (as don't have family close by) and I also have issues with anxiety which I've got under control at the moment.

Is it selfish to just have the one out of choice? Will be child be at a disadvantage?

I know people will say that only I can make the decision but it's helpful to air these thoughts. I can see the benefits to my child of financial security and more of our time but worry as we get older they'll be lonely. However, I worry with two I'll struggle.

I really don't see the problem at all. I'm an only child I loved it and still do. People do looked shocked when you tell them don't know why but they do. And I have one child. I do have a step son he lives with his mom and we have him in holidays.
I love my step son I've watched and helped him grow from a toddler to a preteen but I must admit I have zero desire to have another child to the mix. It's chaos when he is here dinner arguments sofa arguments bedtime arguments. I'm not saying it's down to my stepson in anyway at all just I don't think I could cope with another. My son is very happy independent confident child with an amazing imagination so I don't worry about him being lonely.
Don't let people tell oh he will be lonely he won't be. Xx

I'm an only child. It's never really bothered me, I do have problems with sharing though

That being said, I have two dc and wouldn't have had just the one.

Money. Teenagers are expensive. I am on a Facebook group with other parents of university students, and just lately there have been far too many posts from parents who are worried because they are unable to support their student DC through university.

I'm currently 20 weeks, had a hard time conceiving and am having a complicated pregnancy, and already I feel like I might just do this the once! I like the idea of having a family but remaining financially ok and being able to provide adequately for one child through all stages of life, which we can do now but like you, another would be a stretch. I do feel a bit sad at the prospect of my child not having a sibling but know several well adjusted only children who seem to have done just fine. I also have a horrible relationship with my older sister and always have done so it doesn't always work out that you're best mates. Who knows though, I may change my mind when she's actually here!

It’s fine. Only problem is people telling you that it’s a problem.

People will tell you that a child without siblings will be a spoiled little ratbag. DS and two of his pals don’t have siblings and they are really nice boys - considerate, funny, laid back.

However - I’m one of many and (not pointing any fingers) one of us was particularly indulged and spoiled...

I'd say if you go for just the one, make sure they have plenty of opportunity to develop skills such as sharing and empathy. I think that having a sibling teaches you important things about competition, conflict resolution, compromise, etc and, most importantly that the world doesn't revolve around you. Only children do get used to having undivided attention from both parents.
It may just be a reflection of my social group (although it is pretty wide and varied), but the 3 most "difficult" people that come to mind are all only children, even though they are quite different from one another.

Not really - I am an absolute doormat and run a mile at a whiff of conflict. People say I am kind and laid back- but I’m really just a doormat. I used to be a therapist. As I said before - I am one of many.

I see a lot of overindulged selfish kids - it’s just the way some kids are treated these days!

I know a few only children including my other half and all seem fairly well adjusted and outgoing as adults - of course we all have our issues. I have also noticed that they tend to build strong friendships although that could be a coincidence.

I have siblings and don't think I'm particularly well adjusted because of it. It's great having siblings as an adult but as a child we weren't close and I don't think it made me any less shellfish as we argued all the time.

I have had some issues with anxiety and depression over the years, it's managed well now and there are things I'm working on but I do worry that another child would push me into a worse place. I'd probably cope as I always do but maybe wouldn't be very happy. Then I think that it would just be a difficult stage to get through and worth it down the line.

I think if there wasn't the stigma attached to wanting an only and people didn't tell me it was selfish of me I wouldn't worry for my child so much and question my decision - i'd stick to one happily.

Selfish not shellfish

I hate the way people will launch into a ‘you’re being selfish, the poor poor wee lonely wean...’. They don’t know why you have one child - could be a load of really personal reasons that is none of their business. I wish people would just keep comments to themselves (and as kids we heard the opposite ‘wasn’t your TV working?’ Comments at out large family).

We have one by choice and the positives are, more money so he can do any hobby he likes (which is fortunate as the hobbies that he has are bloody expensive!), as a family we have more money to do the things we want to do, entry to attractions/ meals out are cheaper, he gets plenty of attention, there’s no worrying about treating them equally, he is good at being around adults and having adult conversations. I’m sure there’s lots more benefits.

The downside is that he’s never engaged in much imaginative play as he’s got no one to play with. You’ll be his entertainment as there’s no other children!

It is nice to have siblings sometimes, but it all depends on how the relationship develops into adulthood too. I love having a sibling I can rely on for various things, especially as an introvert I don't have any close friends I could rely on like that.
As your parents get older you've always got someone to reminisce with.

However I wouldn't base my decision purely on that. You do have to think about your own mental health and money situation. I have 2, and have always imagined 3 but I honestly don't think my mental health could take it so we are staying with 2.

FWIW both my parents came from large families and neither of them are close to any of their siblings now.

I've had a mixed experience with this.
My birth to 7 I was one of three.
From 7 onward I was only child except at weekends.
At weekends I'd visit my mum and her partner who had 3 kids.
At weekends, my 2 brothers, me and mum's boyfriends 3 kids. 6 kids every Saturday 11-7

I hated Saturdays. Every week there was arguments that ended up with pushing and shoving. I loved the 'in the week' time and being the only kid in the house.

As a grown up I married someone with 3 kids. That was chaos daily. Mornings screaming of getting shoes on, night time screamings of get pyjamas on. Rows over Xboxes and he did this and she did that.
Divorced.

Now I live alone with my little girl and peace reigns over our little home. She's never naughty, a bit slow at getting dressed sometimes, but there's no blazing rows and no yelling and stress.
Wouldn't swap it for the world.

Basically. TL:Dr version.
IME Being / Having only child is far more peaceful and calm.

It's absolutely fine to only have one child. Many, many of us are only children and grown up to be caring, generous, successful etc ... just like our other human beings who have siblings.

My nan was an only child. Most generous person. My mum is an only child, again, such a lovely generous kind person. My son is an only child and we always had children play round our house and he’s never had a problem with sharing etc.
Whereas I know plenty of spoiled ratbags old and young who have siblings.
Agree with pp. we have a very calm house and son is happy to play on his own or with us.
It’s been a joy to all be together over the lockdown whereas I know some friends and family are struggling with siblings fighting.

I got a lift from a friend with her two sons in the back and they spent the whole journey to and from our destination arguing. It felt alien to me.
Our son has no one to argue with so just chats to us and asks us questions or goes off in his own little world singing to music.

I'm an only. I have an only through choice. I love being an only. I'll happily potter alone or spend time with friends. I do need a substantial amount of alone time though as that's what I'm used to. But lots of people are like that with or without siblings. My husband is middle of three and hates it. He only wants the one child as well. Our boy is only 11 months but he is happy and easy going and has always been OK playing on his own. So we're sticking with one. Plus financially it means we can maintain the lifestyle we enjoy and hopefully financially support our boy with school, uni or whatever if he needs it. Didn't even cross my mind that having one child was selfish.

I have two but often envy my friends who have only one! Their lives seem much more balanced, and calmer. Not that I'd wish away either of mine but it's definitely a valid choice.

My best friend has just the one and the child loved it.

Or rather loved it before Covid, now she's struggling a lot as she's quite isolated with just the parents in the house, and they have to WFH so don't have time to play with her. But will probably love it again once she gets her friends back. In the meantime they've had to get a part time Nanny just so she has someone to hang out with a few hours a day. But hey ho, you do what you have to.

I had 2 back to back and the reason I have 2 is because I saw her having very little ability to play alone from the beginning. The mother is constantly having to do stuff with her, baking, crafting, playing dolly's etc. The mum was saying the weekends are the hardest part of lockdown because she spends the entire weekend having to play with her DD non stop and she's exhausted after a long week at work.

You may argue that that's just parenting! But I'm not that kind of parent tbh. I need some downtime. So I do a lot of supervising from the kitchen table with a cup of tea whilst they rampage around the house together, screaming their heads off and causing an absolute mess.

But on the other hand my friend has a much tidier house and much less screaming!

Hi @dramarama6 - I had very similar circumstances to you. Difficult pregnancy/birth and ongoing anxiety issues.

We have one DD, who is now 15. I have never regretted having an only child. The baby/toddler stages were tiring and challenging, the preschool/primary school years fantastic 😊 The teenage years have been really difficult (struggles with my anxiety again) and I am very glad I just have to go through this once!

I don't think DD has been disadvantaged by being an only child. She is very sociable and generous. And it has definitely been easier financially just having one 👍🏻

So please don't feel pressure or judged. What's right for one person does not necessarily suit everyone else. It is your life, and your family, and you and your DP will make the right decision for you. Your DC is still very young so you may feel differently about having another child further down the line. If not, don't worry - one child families are just fine 😊

Sorry, but I can spot an adult only-child miles away: they are self-centred. Not in a nasty, deliberate way, but they just can not help themselves. If they have been taught to love and share, they do share with that person only (usually, their mum or parents), but that is all.
There are circumstances when it can't be helped, but I would try and have a sibling for an only child.

@ChangeMeAlready

I accept that's your opinion but that's not my experience. My partner is an only he is more well adjusted and less selfish than I am. I'm the one who's had mental health issues most of my life while he hasn't and is much happier than himself. It's views like yours which I find difficult to deal with because it makes me feel like I'm being selfish and that I need to put pressure on myself to provide a sibling.

Happier in himself

@ChangeMeAlready the most spoilt people i knew had siblings. Actually a few came from big families( not that there is anything wrong with big families) . With big families there is the issue of scarcity- if you have limited resources, you are less inclined to share. For an only child, it often does not occur to him or her that there are limited resources. It applies to society too- the people usually railing against benefit claimants don't tend to be higher rate taxpayers either.

Would you rather OP have a child because of stereotypes and then come back on mumsnet a few years later saying she is struggling because of money. And the obviously some smug know it all would say- why did you have a second child you can't afford. I only mention this because OP raised the finances issue. in my experience, if you think you can't afford it, it usually would be 10X worse because there are costs you haven't thought of. And lots of people on this site have shared- if you can't afford a baby, you can't afford a teenager.

I have an only DD. I only ever wanted one. She has never asked for a sibling.

She isn't spoilt she isn't lavished with whatever she want.

I am the eldest of 3 - the constant noise and arguing throughout my childhood may be a reason I only wanted one.