The positives of one a child family

[dramarama6]

My child is 18 months and as yet I have no desire for a second and actually I've been thinking a lot lately about just sticking with one.

I had a difficult pregnancy so am worried about going through again but this time with a child. We are comfortable in our current financial situation but adding another child would stretch us. I love my child more than anything but I find being a mother hard and testing, I like having a balance with my work and a little time for myself (as don't have family close by) and I also have issues with anxiety which I've got under control at the moment.

Is it selfish to just have the one out of choice? Will be child be at a disadvantage?

I know people will say that only I can make the decision but it's helpful to air these thoughts. I can see the benefits to my child of financial security and more of our time but worry as we get older they'll be lonely. However, I worry with two I'll struggle.

We have an only child, 5 yrs old. From the age of about 3 they have really noticed that they don't have a sibling and comment on it all the time, say they're lonely and trying to organise constant play dates is difficult.

We are currently ttc our second child. Not just for our existing child but we feel the dynamic of our family would be better with another child and I really want to do it again. Which surprises me given that I was adamant for 4 yrs that we weren't having any more!

I think it's easy to have an only child in the first couple of yrs but as they start to get older, their whole focus and attention is on you and it can become quite intense. I also think there is an element of loneliness. Not for all, but it's been the case for our child.

I also think that some children are perfectly content to be only children and others always hanker after a sibling. That's been our experience anyway.

I'd give it a bit of time, she's still only 18 months! I was 100% sure I didn't want another at that point. I'm glad we will have a bigger age gap (if I get pregnant) as it will make things far more manageable.

Having said all of that, you do whatever feels right for your family. Only children are of course, wonderful and there are many pluses to stopping at one.

I grew up with a sister who has turned into a spoilt brat and is getting my parents (in their 70's) to buy her a house, a brother who still lives at home and is distinctly odd and hates me.

My sister and I tolerate each other, but only just. She is entitled, lies and behaves in a deluded manner.

My DD is a beautifully balanced, emotionally mature, completely empathetic very intelligent and happy child. She absolutely is content with being an only child, 100%. She also can have the benefits of expensive school trips etc. which I never had as 'x' needed this or that.

The thought that siblings provide happiness is odd. My sister was spiteful and vicious and my brother a hideous burden. Jealousy prevails, nnot always, but IMO often. If you parent properly why would a child be spoilt?

Ds is 6 and we arent having any more through choice.The reasons are:

1.i had a terrible pregnancy and birth.

2.We can afford within reason to go on holidays we want,days out,treats without worrying about cost.

3.Im 40 now and wouldnt want a 7 year age gap between children at totally different life stages.

4.Ds cant fight and argue with himself 😉

Loads of benefits! Just look at the studies that have been done into one-child families.

Here's just one of them:
www.google.com/amp/s/www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2019/11/11/children-no-self-centred-siblings-says-myth-busting-study/amp/

You have to do what feels right. We are have a DD who is nearly 2. I made the decision very early on that we wouldn't have any more. I had PND and a traumatic birth and wouldn't put myself back there again. She has a cousin who is 5 months younger and they will grow up together, she attends nursery 3x a week, so I am not concerned that she won't be able to share etc. and will have lots of contact with cousin.

Financially we do not need to worry so much. We can afford to do more things.

And, if I am being very honest, we wouldn't be able to cope with 2 - we both work long hours and being older parents too (in our 40s) are absolutely shattered most of the time so we don't have the energy for another!

I am an older parent because of fertility issues. I want to try for a second because, as older parents, we won’t be around for as long as we’d like and it would be nice for my son to still have some kind of family when I’m gone.

researchaddict.com/only-child-benefits-research/ is what I meant to post. Huge list of studies based on actual research, not nonsense like that posted by a previous poster.

Following as I'm currently pregnant and expecting to have just the one. TBH in an ideal world we'd have more but (suprise suprise) the world is not an ideal place and in the circumstances one is right for us. I'm buoyed by the fact that DNephew is an only and he is honestly the nicest kid I know (he's 13 now).

Mum was an only child (WW2 put family plans on hold). She was extremely kind and generous. Very very outgoing. Dad was quite and one of 4.

You really can’t generalise and say that all single children are selfish or ‘odd’ (oh yes I’ve heard that).

Loads of children are - in reality - ‘only’ children for a while when they are the eldest and there is a gap. You are telling me that children aren’t learning about sharing and communicating with others in the first 2,3,4 years of life until a sibling comes along? Nonsense.

And as for lack of empathy - I remember taking DS to a kiddy gym when he was 2. One day another child banged her head and he put his hand to his head, said ouch and went to hug her.

Now generally small children don’t play ‘with’ other children (the play alongside each other). It’s just how they develop - at that age they don’t completely understand that you can see them when they cover their eyes, or that you can’t taste how cold their ice cream is when they lick it.

I come from a large family, and we’re all likely to have two or three kids. However, I can see the advantages of one (especially right now!)

The only issue imo might be less people to share the load of elderly relatives. Please, if you have one child don’t be overly dependent on them for visits and care as you get older. Make sure you have financial and social support in place for when you are elderly. It’s hard enough in a large family and is very tough on my friends who are only children.

One sibling shouldered most of the care of my parents - due to geography and crappiness. My parents made sure that they didn’t ‘need’ anyone - my grandmother was the same.

DS is an only. He's sociable and plays lots of team sport. He's never asked for a sibling. We had a dog for many years so knows responsibility. He's not spoiled in terms of material things but does get time.

I have an adult friend who has two fifty-something siblings who were nowhere to be seen when their mother started with dementia and eventually had to go into a care home. Friend did all the care, visiting and picking up the financial gap.

You just can't say how people will turn out.

True that.

I should also say that if it doesn't work out and I can't conceive then yes I'll be sad, but also happy to just have one for all of the benefits that it brings!

Yes, one of those research articles in that link says there is no difference for an only child in terms of time spent caring for elderly relatives. IME one person tends to shoulder most of the responsibility, and if you're the only woman then unfortunately it's most likely going to be you. The gender gap in caring for relatives is massive.

My mum has two brothers but did almost all the care for my elderly grandfather (but had to justify and fight with one of my uncles who didn't agree with anything but wouldn't lift a finger to help). In some cases, it's probably easier as an only child as you don't have to try to appease other siblings.

@ChangeMeAlready bloody hell, that is such a strange thing to say, or maybe you have just had bad experiences! Or perhaps your post was a trolling one. I have 3 close friends who are only children and are nothing like you describe. Both my in-laws are only children too and couldn't be more warm-hearted and generous.

Or argue when they have bloody stupid ideas.

I'm an only child. Never been a problem. I have an only child. The only thing I dislike is my family is me,dd and my parents who are in their 80s. My dd is 23 and says she would like two.

I'm astonished at these people who've insinuated it's a selfish decision to have an only child. Owing to serious health issues I had recurrent miscarriages and a stillborn before being lucky enough to to have my DS. It's absolutely none of anyone's business however if someone gave me this bullshit I may be tempted to point to multiple children being the selfish decision in this day and age. My boy plays by himself with his toys as happily & imaginatively as any kid, yes he does want me to play with him a lot but that's fine by me.

I'm astonished at these people who've insinuated it's a selfish decision to have an only child.

So am I. Let's face it any decision to have no children. one child or 7+ children is selfish.

Unless a woman is pregnant against her wishes (as a result of rape or other circumstances) or has had an unplanned pregnancy, having children in the 21st century is a choice.

Its clear from the answers on this thread that it is an emotive issue for many people, with those that have with bigger families wanting to justify having more than one just as much as anyone with an only.

There's a myriad of reasons that someone may choose to have one. In my case financials and issues with mental health that are currently well managed.

What I resent is the pressure society and other people put on parents of only children to have more.

People doesn't do the reverse and criticise those having a second or third child. They certainly don't do it so openly anyway. As soon as you have one people are already asking when you'll have another.

I also think many people who haven't experienced mental health issues such as post or antenatal depression or had a physically difficult pregnancy or birth can't emphasise and understand just how traumatic that can be. I'm not saying everyone lacks empathy but many do.

Don't do the reverse that should have said

I am an only and have an only. I am normally very positive about it but just now I wish he had a sibling so he has someone to play with!
Too late now to plan my family based on a world pandemic though.