Pros of having One child?

[Newmum26]

We have a DS who will be 3 in a few weeks. He is our world and I'm a stay at home mum so he gets slots of time and love and we get many comment on how advanced he is which I believe is partly down to me and DH being able to put time to him.
I'm really swaying towards just having the one child, I've been thinking about it for a while now we always thought we weren't fussed about having any kids then when we tried for DS and he came along we couldn't imagine our life with out him. Then we thought we would like two.
But now I'm just not sure, we are so happy as a family of 3, and we don't feel 'incomplete' like you hear so many people say with a second child 'our family is now complete'
But I'm worried about the effects of him being an only child, all the things you hear 'he will be spoilt, he won't have good social skills with others, he will be lonely' and I'm sure there are many others.
Can anyone share with me some pros of having only one and if the cliche comments about having one were true for your only?
Thanks so much 😊

But I'm worried about the effects of him being an only child, all the things you hear 'he will be spoilt, he won't have good social skills with others, he will be lonely' and I'm sure there are many others.

Those comments are ignorant nonsense. Only children quite often have very good social skills - with adults because they are likely to spend more one on one time with a parent, and with other kids as they have to make friends outside of the family.

Whether a kid is 'spoilt' is down to parenting, not the number of kids.

DH and I have an only child, and we have thought about having another child. In all honesty there is the slimmest of slim chances chances that it will actually happen, so we are focusing on the fact that we have a lovely, happy DD.

For us, the pro's are that:
We give her as much of our time as we can.
She can do hobbies that interest her, and the cost is reasonable.
She is, already, becoming independent (I can leave her safely playing while I WFH (because of the current situation).
We can be spontaneous and do things that we might have to consider if we had 2 children.
We can save for our future and hers.
We have friends in the same position so she won't be short of "cousins".
She won't have to worry about paying university tuition fees as we've already got a savings plan in place for those.
We should be able to help her buy a car and give her a deposit for a house.

We do not spoil her, she knows how to socially interact with other children, she has lovely manners, and isn't lonely so although I understand that this is a worry for you, you can mitigate all of the concerns you have.

I would say that the most important part of your post is that you are happy as a family of 3. Why spoil it?

As long as you are willing to give him opportunities to socialise, he can only gain as an only. You can follow his interests without having to drag another child around. You can give him your undivided attention.

Only have a second child for you, not to give your first a sibling. If you don't want a second it isn't compulsory. One is fine.

I have one DS that is currently 5. The chances of me having a child probably won’t happened. Having one child obviously means it’s cheaper so cost wise it’s better. I have 3 other siblings and honestly I think it’s better to have a sibling when you see other kids playing and they have their own siblings and your child doesn’t it’s not a nice feeling. Later on in life friends come and go but there’s a good chance you will still have a connection with your sibling. Rainy days or winter time when your at home more the way my child enjoys playing with playing with my neighbours children who all have at least one sibling when they go inside I do the playing it’s not the same as having a sibling.

No amount of fancy materials could ever replace having a sibling bond. I loved having a brother... my sisters are a lot younger so we are not overly close. If I could go back I’d of had another when DS turned 3.

But I'm worried about the effects of him being an only child, all the things you hear 'he will be spoilt, he won't have good social skills with others, he will be lonely' and I'm sure there are many others.

A lot of these you describe are personality traits. we have an only who is the definition of social butterfly, he has a wide and varied group of friends and makes friends easily.

TBH I think its quite sad to think your child is so inadequate you need to create a playmate for fear he can't do it himself.

I’m an only - as an adult the financial benefits are really noticeable and although you’re a long ways off that i think it is something that people don’t generally consider. There is also zero competition, which again is very obvious as an adult. I have friends who have very antagonistic and toxic relationships with their siblings. Although overall of the people I’d know I’d say it’s a three way split between - actively bad, sometimes really awful, relationships with their siblings, really nice ones and indifferent ones.

Personally, I don’t wish I had siblings, I have always had lots of friends and don’t suffer socially. I have really close friends and I’ve been able to choose them! I am very independent and I really like that I have very few obligations to family - ie no visiting my nieces nephews at half term etc. I do feel free in a way I know that some of my friends with a lot of family don’t. There is a lot less family drama to deal with when you have a small family! I personally like this but obviously don’t know any different and i know some people really thrive in close family situations.

I don’t think there’s a ‘better or worse’ situation but being an only child has never been an obstacle in my life, and I have a few other only child pals who are really successful. There is absolutely no reason to have another child to ‘save’ your existing one from the terrible fate of being an only if you don’t want to!

Also if anyone comes out with the ‘spoilt and antisocial’ line just send them this!

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/may/31/truth-about-only-children-insular-confident-worry

Just wanted to say that my experience with my friends who are only children is that they are the most sociable types and have lots of friends.

The two issues i see when deciding on only having 1 child by choice is:
Are you an extrovert enough to host play dates and push your DC and yourself into mingling with others.
Are you happy to always needing to entertain your child? Siblings can eat together and play together when older without supervision, an only child needs parents a lot more to play with.

I don’t think the stereotypes about what an only child turns out like are true or helpful

I am an only child. Pros - lots of attention, undivided resources, and I'm good at entertaining myself. My social skills are pretty good and I'm not spoilt. But it was lonely. Even though I spent huge amounts of time at friends houses, there was still a lot of time to fill just with parents, especially on holiday. Adults aren't as good playmates as other kids. I have three kids who are very close and play together all the time. Our house is full of noise and fun (and admittedly also crying and shouting sometimes!). My heart aches for not having had that experience. My house as a kid was so quiet and adult. I know we have lucked out to have children who get on like a house on fire, but without a sibling you never even get a chance! It's also very lonely dealing with elderly and inform parents without anyone to share the load.

I have the same dilemma. My DS is almost 3 too. The main reason I feel we should try for a second baby is because I was an only child for 6 years and all I ever wanted during that time was a brother or a sister. When my parents finally conceived my sister I remember being so excited and happy. I'd hate to deprive my DS of that.

I have one, having another not happening for us.

Adore my DD and would love another but having gone through thoughts financially it is a lot easier with one, and can devote time and energy.

My bestie had no siblings so I was lucky enough to do lots of trips and extra holidays with her and we have a super deep bond now. I would do the same, take friends on hols so she wasn't lonely etc

The part I dread for her having lost both parents is handling grief and emptying house. I've found enormous comfort doing that with my brothers and we speak often to remember our mum.

I'm an only child. Can honestly say I loved growing up as an only, never felt lonely at all and would have hated siblings. I'm very independent and strong willed, always preferred adult company and am fairly antisocial; although I would say the few good friends I have are all friendships that began in childhood and I've made the effort to maintain throughout my life.

That's basically my experience of being an only and knowing others who are; we've all invested a lot of time in building strong relationships with others outside of our families because those bonds are important when you have less family around.

DS is also an only and we have no plans to change that. DH was one of three and has antagonistic relationships with both of his siblings, so is fully on board with giving DS a more positive experience as an only child.

We have an only and won't be having any more due to infertility. In saying that even if I wasn't infertile, I don't know if I would have another. I'm delighted with him, feel totally complete.

I do worry about the loneliness thing but then again I grew up in a big family and although we get on great now, there was a lot of bickering and teenage angst when I craved a quiet house. Likewise DH has several brothers and sisters but only keeps a relationship with two of them.

I think the spoilt antisocial thing is nonsense. Think of all the spoilt adults you know. Are they all only children?
As for anti social, I have to work very hard at being social and I think its because I always had older brothers and sisters to speak for me, tell me what we were going to play, basically make my decisions for me.

Families come in all shapes and sizes.

I have a similar situation. We have one boy aged 4 and despite trying for a second we were not successful and I had multiple miscarriages. Two children families were all I knew and I just always assumed we would have 2.
However, time is ticking. I am soon to be 38 and my husband is 44 . We love our son and know that we can offer all our energy and love to him.
I cannot help but feel guilty that he will not have a sibling and feel that I should keep trying to give him one. He loves younger children although I am aware the novelty would wear off.
Is anyone else in the same boat? I feel alone in my emotions as my husband just says he wants what I want. I am grateful for that but cannot help feeling responsibility to give my son a sibling. Is anyone else in a similar situation?

My sister stays at mine occasionally with her only child and I’m not generalising based on her but I found their dynamic interesting niece is 12 now and my sister is very much her mate and her entertainment, I’m very much a parent and I’d have struggled to be childlike whereas my sister is very different it comes naturally to her to do whatever is asked of her by her daughter in order to keep daughter happy

I'm an only child. My parents had me late. I hated it as a child, I found it lonely, and really wished for a sibling. It's shit having to care for elderly parents without anyone else around. Sorry - probably not what you want to hear.

@EmmaOvary not at all. Thank you for your viewpoint, that's why I posted.

My best friend has an only, I have 3 under 6. The pros for an only are clear - financially it's huge (my childcare bill is ginormous, I need a 7 seater, have 3 kids in pricey rear facing seats, holidays are a fortune etc etc), and there is no denying she can give her daughter extra time, and sit with her to do reading and writing etc, whereas mine get me flitting around between them all and less 1-2-1. They get bedtime story en masse and have to take it in turn to choose a book they love, so only get their favourite book twice a week etc.

HOWEVER, in this lockdown, she has said so many times it's the one time she's wished for a sibling for her DD and feels like the advantages of a sibling outweigh all the cons. My house is filled with laughter and chaos and them putting on shows and playing mums and dads and hide and seek, and I can honestly say my kids are loving lockdown life and really enjoy each other's company. Every time we do a FaceTime or zoom call, her DD is nearly in tears watching my DC play together, because she's such a sociable little girl and misses other children desperately. I suppose it wouldn't have ever usually been a problem - with school and play dates etc, her DD had a great social life, and it's only since lockdown occurred and they have their life of only the three of them, that they feel there's now a big gap where a sibling should be.

Honestly, I think it really depends on the child and their personality traits and how they grow as a person (to adulthood).

I have an “only” child who is now 7. She’s not expressed any desire for a sibling. The lockdown has been the first time I have worried about her being an “only”, but actually she has been fine and is happy enough at home and doing well in the current difficult circumstances, despite being a very outgoing, sociable child and a real lover of school. There are a few children that I know of who are struggling with things like anxiety and the change of routine at the moment with lockdown and they actually all have siblings.

There’s nothing wrong with having 2,3,4 or more kids. There’s nothing wrong with having none. And there nothing wrong with having one.

My child, and yours, could grow up and decide they didn’t like being an “only”. Or they may not. We know what we know. Not everyone has a strong sibling bond. My husband and I have three siblings between us and we made the choice to stick with one child.

Thank you everybody. It is such a hard decision to make and you these experiences is helping me feel a bit better about it all. X

Just found this thread and prob no one will read it but i just need to get it out. Lately with the lock-down i've been feeling awful about DS not having a sibling. He himself hasn't expressed any desire for one ..it's all in me, my fears he'll be lonely and it's my fault. Others have said it's shit having to care for elderly parents alone and that it's good to have siblings to remember your parents. Then i feel like an utter failure as we had DS late and although we tried we never conceived again. He was my miracle, born just 3 months off my 41st birthday. The midwives said they'd be seeing me again soon and at the time i thought not a chance! but as time went on i felt we must try but our circumstances changed and we could never afford it. I suppose i just need to get it written down and ask for reassurance. Thanks to anyone who reads this and feels like posting

I totally understand and that is exactly how I feel. I am 38 this month and that also worries me. Sorry I cannot reassure you but I know I have the same concerns x

Having just sat here with tears rolling down mine and dhs faces, in fits of laughter at our DD's escapades this evening, I can honestly say, I am so SO glad we had a 2nd, after saying we wouldn't have another. They are absolutely hilarious together, and I can't imagine how quiet the house would feel with one child. (Although I'm sure this must be nice sometimes!) We decided 100% DD would be an only very early on, and then had a surprise pregnancy when she wasn't yet 2... (Failed contraception and morning after pill, so she was determined to stay) I never would have agreed to a 2nd baby, and felt we were happy and complete before her arrival, but she has added a whole new indescribable dynamic to our family. I loved being a mum to dd1, but being a mum to both of them is an even more rewarding experience, and the joy you get from watching your children interact and love eachother is the best feeling in the world. When they tell me they love me, its a wonderful feeling, but when I hear one of them tell their sister they love them, it completely melts my heart. Just pure sibling love that cannot be replaced by any other relationship. I didn't have siblings growing up, and like a pp said, it's only since being an adult and having my own children that I can see how much I missed by not having that. I didn't feel particularly lonely growing up, but I always wanted to be at friends houses rather than at home, and spent alot of time out with friends. Home felt very quiet, and strangley I always felt like I had to act like an adult there. I loved being at my best friends, she had a big brother and younger twin siblings, the house was loud and fun and silly, and everyone always had someone to play with. I think I spent as much time there as I did at my own house for many years. From a young age, my parents would let me bring a friend on holiday for company which was nice. I must have given them a hard time when I was on my own, as I can only ever remember holidaying with a friend tagging along! We were completely sure we were going to be a one child family but surprise baby has made us both wanting more, and if finances would allow we would definitely try for a third now.

@ISawATiger.. lovely for you i'm sure but you obv haven't bothered reading my last post. I'm not the op and i posted here for reassurance..however now feeling suicidal. If you read my post it's above the one before yours, the one which was very sensitive to my circumstances

BooseysMom, is from a large family and non of us have contact with each other, it was horrible growing up with them.
Our parents are getting older and are disabled, I'm the only one who cares for them, the only one who gives a shit.

Having siblings is not always a fairytale like people make out, for lots of us it's a burden.

I have an only child and I'm happy with that.